I know dear diary entries are frowned upon, but I'm feeling a mix of emotions that I just have to get out.
1 year ago this week our baby's heart stopped beating unbeknownst to me. While I am so grateful to have this little girl inside me kicking and prodding me and I'm so happy that she will be 38wks this week and we are nearing the end. I can't help but think about the one we lost. The baby who would have been 6 months old this month. I know no two women's stories are the same and others struggled and continue to struggle more than I have, but my heart is so heavy this week thinking we have been here before. I'm also scared to death that somehow being so close I wont make it to the end. I am so quick to panic when I don't feel her for a little while, and I've been in the position where I thought everything was fine and it wasn't. I know the chances of having a loss at this late in the game are slim, but I also hate that it is the first thought in my head when I don't feel her.
Anyway just needed to get that out. I just want to cuddle my little on the outside now where I can see that she is fine.
BFP 2/11/15 (EDD 10/13/15). MMC 3/30/15 D&C 4/3/15 "We will always love you"
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"