Hi all I lurk here a lot and I have responded a couple of times, but I figure it's time for me to intro especially now that there is going to be a weekly check in. I so love the community on the bump. My story is I had a mc at 8 weeks in 2015 and I'm now KU at 13weeks.
Back in november after I had been TTCAL for 5 months I found out my BFF was pregnant with her 2nd after her 1st cycle trying (same with her 1st child) and while of course I was happy for her, as all of you know it stings more then can be expressed in words when a close friend gets KU and you are not, and maybe even more if you've had a loss. I found out she was KU because I went to her house to visit and she was acting very strange and it was obvious to me (and my DH) what was going on, so I called her a few days later and asked if she was KU. I was happy for her, but after a month or so it seemed to me in my sensitive state that all we ever talked about was her pregnancy, she'd send me text updates about about the baby and after awhile it became so painful I just started to pull away because I was so overwhelmed by the situation.
She was the only person I told that we were TTCAL because we were excited that we would be trying together and she's my BFF. After her BFP as I distance myself from her and the situation, I stopped calling and texting in December, and for 2 months afterwards I heard nothing from her, no texts, no inquiry into how I was doing, just silence. In the meantime I was so blessed to get KU but I couldn't tell her because I was still so upset about the overwhelm of emotions I had been feeling since november. My birthday is coming up and she started to try to make plans with me and I couldn't take not telling her how hard it's been for me.
So I emailed her and I tried very hard to use non-blaming/confrontational language that I learned from a therapist to tell my story. I tried to explain how hard it was for me to feel like I didn't have her support when it felt like we only talked about her pregnancy. I also mentioned that I wished if she wasn't ready to tell me about her BFP (which I totally get) I wished she would have postponed having me over because it hurt to find out that way, and that it matters to the person struggling how they find out about a BFP. I mentioned that she probably never even though to ask me how I was doing TTCAL because she has never had a loss and has never had to try to conceive and I tried to express how heartbreaking that was.
Well it didn't go well and she responded by saying that she hopes I get the support I need from a support group and that because she has a child that I can't expect much from her. I feel like I have always tried to put myself in her shoes of being a mom with a young child, and I only wanted her compassion and understanding of what it might be like to be in my shoes and how much those months where she didn't think to ask me how I was doing hurt me. Granted I should have spoke up sooner but I was just so hurt and in a messy emotional state. She was also offended that I was trying to tell her how to announce her pregnancy, because she didn't announce it, I asked her and she didn't want to lie to me.
Granted I'm not perfect and I probably made some mistakes in communicating with her and I'm probably way over sensitive, but is it too much to ask for compassion? She seemed very offended by me bringing up my feelings, and told me she wouldn't be comfortable hanging out because I have called her out and she now feels uncomfortable. Obviously I can't tell her side of the story, and maybe I was offensive, but I was trying to come from a loving place. So I just apologized if I was offensive, and for causing her stress by communicating my feelings and I agreed I wouldn't be comfortable hanging out with her either and wished her the best with her pregnancy.
TTCAL and PGAL are really messy emotionally and I just don't know how I can understand her side better. I'm just not comfortable sharing my life with her if she's not willing to meet me in a place of compassion. My feelings about this didn't magically change when I got KU, and I feel like I need her to understand me before I can go on being her friend. Am I being unrealistic? I haven't been able to sleep and I've been crying non-stop and I'm just so heartbroken that I wasn't successful in helping her to understand me and that for now I don't think we can continue this friendship.
I'm sorry this is so long and if you have an insights please share them with me.