Intro and WWYD- BFF has never had a loss and doesn't seem to have compassion for me — The Bump
Pregnant after a Loss

Intro and WWYD- BFF has never had a loss and doesn't seem to have compassion for me

Hi all
I lurk here a lot and I have responded a couple of times, but I figure it's time for me to intro especially now that there is going to be a weekly check in. I so love the community on the bump. My story is I had a mc at 8 weeks in 2015 and I'm now KU at 13weeks. 

Back in november after I had been TTCAL for 5 months I found out my BFF was pregnant with her 2nd after her 1st cycle trying (same with her 1st child) and while of course I was happy for her, as all of you know it stings more then can be expressed in words when a close friend gets KU and you are not, and maybe even more if you've had a loss. I found out she was KU because I went to her house to visit and she was acting very strange and it was obvious to me (and my DH) what was going on, so I called her a few days later and asked if she was KU. I was happy for her, but after a month or so it seemed to me in my sensitive state that all we ever talked about was her pregnancy, she'd send me text updates about about the baby and after awhile it became so painful I just started to pull away because I was so overwhelmed by the situation. 

She was the only person I told that we were TTCAL because we were excited that we would be trying together and she's my BFF.  After her BFP as I distance myself from her and the situation, I stopped calling and texting in December, and for 2 months afterwards I heard nothing from her, no texts, no inquiry into how I was doing, just silence. In the meantime I was so blessed to get KU but I couldn't tell her because I was still so upset about the overwhelm of emotions I had been feeling since november.  My birthday is coming up and she started to try to make plans with me and I couldn't take not telling her how hard it's been for me.

So I emailed her and I tried very hard to use non-blaming/confrontational language that I learned from a therapist to tell my story. I tried to explain how hard it was for me to feel like I didn't have her support when it felt like we only talked about her pregnancy. I also mentioned that I wished if she wasn't ready to tell me about her BFP (which I totally get) I wished she would have postponed having me over because it hurt to find out that way, and that it matters to the person struggling how they find out about a BFP.  I mentioned that she probably never even though to ask me how I was doing TTCAL because she has never had a loss and has never had to try to conceive and I tried to express how heartbreaking that was.  

Well it didn't go well and she responded by saying that she hopes I get the support I need from a support group and that because she has a child that I can't expect much from her. I feel like I have always tried to put myself in her shoes of being a mom with a young child, and I only wanted her compassion and understanding of what it might be like to be in my shoes and how much those months where she didn't think to ask me how I was doing hurt me. Granted I should have spoke up sooner but I was just so hurt and in a messy emotional state. She was also offended that I was trying to tell her how to announce her pregnancy, because she didn't announce it, I asked her and she didn't want to lie to me. 

Granted I'm not perfect and I probably made some mistakes in communicating with her and I'm probably way over sensitive, but is it too much to ask for compassion? She seemed very offended by me bringing up my feelings, and told me she wouldn't be comfortable hanging out because I have called her out and she now feels uncomfortable. Obviously I can't tell her side of the story, and maybe I was offensive, but I was trying to come from a loving place. So I just apologized if I was offensive, and for causing her stress by communicating my feelings and I agreed I wouldn't be comfortable hanging out with her either and wished her the best with her pregnancy.

TTCAL and PGAL are really messy emotionally and I just don't know how I can understand her side better. I'm just not comfortable sharing my life with her if she's not willing to meet me in a place of compassion. My feelings about this didn't magically change when I got KU, and I feel like I need her to understand me before I can go on being her friend. Am I being unrealistic? I haven't been able to sleep and I've been crying non-stop and I'm just so heartbroken that I wasn't successful in helping her to understand me and that for now I don't think we can continue this friendship. 

I'm sorry this is so long and if you have an insights please share them with me. 

Re: Intro and WWYD- BFF has never had a loss and doesn't seem to have compassion for me

  • Welcome! I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and very excited for your new pregnancy! I'm so sorry your friend has not been as supportive as you would have hoped. As a close friend, I'm sure you expected more from her and I'm sure her responses to you lately have been devastating. 

    I am blessed that all of my friends that know about my loss have been supportive, but in different ways. I have found that sometimes when someone can't relate over such an awful situation that silence is the easier choice for them. I know that my friends care, and that they would rather not say anything than accidentally offend me. Everyone reacts in different ways and I'm sure I would have felt awkward before my loss of my friend had gone through one. 

    That being said, I'm very sorry that your friend isn't receptive to your explaining your feelings. I'm sorry she bluntly told you she can't give you support. I'm also sorry she's blaming you for "making her" tell about her BFP. (I get asked a lot by people and there are definitely ways around not sharing without lying!) Unfortunately you can't control how she acts, so all you can do is hope she comes around with time. I'm glad you have a therapist to help process your feelings. 

    This is community is super awesome. We started a weekly check in, and I've only met super supportive individuals here. So welcome, and hopefully you can find some support here from people who can relate. Hugs!
  • @Wishilivedinflorida Thank you so much for your kind response and supportive words, that means a lot to me. It's nice to here your viewpoint and you are so right I can't control her and I can only wait and hope she comes around. I look forward to being a part of the weekly check in- yay!
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  • I couldn't even finish reading your story because it makes me upset (probably the hormones).. It sounds like you did everything right in the ways of trying to make things right and confront her calmly with using the proper language and wording from your therapist. So PROPS TO YOU. You did great and deffinitely are the bigger person.  
    As for your friend, it doesn't sound like she tried AT ALL to be understanding to how you were feeling, which is incredibly selfish in my opinion, especially when YOUR the one that went through the worst possible life experience ever (loosing a child) and YOU were the one who is trying to make it right.
    i wish I had some useful advice but really all I want to tell you is to let her go and she's not the type of person you need in your life.. But maybe I'm just a ragging bitch and extremely stubborn. 

    Most of my friends and family are not very understanding and forget OFTEN how hard it is to continue on with a pregnancy after loosing a baby.. But everytime I calmly remind them that this is very emotional for me and I could use support, they always change their attitude around. I think any decent friend could see that you need them too, that's what friendship is about, being there for each other. <3 so WE on the bump are all here for YOU. Your not alone <3 you got this momma. 

  • kwrightnb Thanks for your reply and I have to admit I am pretty hormonal too and can be extremely stubborn! I'm sorry that your loved ones are not as understanding as you need them to be but I'm glad you speak up for yourself, I have a hard time doing that. Thanks for inspiring me! 
  • I'm got to the point where she said "because she has a child you can't expect much from her." Ummmm, dis you COMPLETELY MISS PART OF THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE?!?! Thanks for rubbing in that you already have one blessing while I am still trying to get my rainbow baby. I got so mad for you at this point.

    After my loss in April we had mothers day not long after and had a family gathering with my in laws. I was really struggling with the loss and not being able to celebrate the day and not knowing if I would ever be blessed to be a mom. My SIL made it quickly obvious she was pregnant with her second and actually announced to the family at the table, gave me a look of pity (I swear it was pity. It wasn't empathy) and then talked about how fast it happened for them and she had just gotten off birth control and weren't even really trying. She also has already been blessed with another child, and it was all a lot for me to take in. Then she kept sending me updates: "I went in for my initial appointment and I'm not 4 weeks, I'm 8 weeks! I didn't even know for two whole months isn't that awesome!" And "we got testing done at 10 weeks just so I could know the sex and I am getting my baby girl! How lucky am I?!?" And finally "here is a picture of my sonogram, isn't she beautiful!" All of this happened while she never asked my about my loss or my d&c. She would occasionally say "our son is so excited for you guys to have a baby so he can have a cousin!" Finally I had to tell her that I was thrilled for her (maybe not thrilled....) But that I was struggling with my own loss and if she wouldn't mind, send the updated to my husband and he would share with me when he knew I was in a place to hear the info and get to celebrate instead of being sad for my own loss. She was very receptive to this and apologized and has been respectful. Although, it did suck to be invited to her "sprinkle" and luckily I got my BPF that same week or it would have been harder for me to show up and put on a good face.

    Moral of the story: your friend is being selfish and probably doesn't even realize it. Or, she is selfish and you are seeing her true colors. My BFF is having fertility issues and if she had gotten pregnant before me I would have truly been so overjoyed for her. And I struggled with my BFP because I didn't want her to hurt that it hadn't happened for her yet. Luckily we had a lot of conversations about it and our plans for sharing and what we felt comfortable with. Because that is what true friends do. And my friends who haven't experienced loss are upfront with saying "I don't know what you are going through and I might need some direction, but I want to be here for you." Two of my best friends have never had kids and don't want to and have been WONDERFUL through my process.

    I'm sending huge hugs to you and I hope your friend either figures out how to be a genuine friend or she goes away and a better friend steps in to your life.

    Welcome to our board!!! We are so excited you are here.  :-)
  • @June2016BabyW Thank you, thank you for sharing your experience with me, it really helps me to put things in perspective. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that with your SIL but I am so glad she got it. I agree that perhaps I am seeing the true colors that I might have not seem before and I am happy that if that is truly the way she is that I can cut my losses now, or maybe we will make it work in the future. Yay for your friends that have been wonderful! Go them!
  • @createillumination welcome! That sounds awful! She sounds incredibly selfish. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I had a very similar experience. The day after my D&C my "friend" texts me her stick test. I get it, she's excited, I'm happy for her but she was completely inconsiderate of my experience. I needed to heal from my loss and she didn't get it. I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or what but she cut me off, deleted me from FB, IG, wouldn't respond to my texts. I got the impression she didn't feel that I was "happy enough" for her.  That experience taught me that some friendships truly do die. She welcomed a baby girl in December and I'm happy for her and wish her well but I do not miss her friendship. Our baby is due in July and from now on I intend to surround myself with people who are there for me through the good AND through the bad. I had other friends who were pregnant during the time after my loss and they were incredibly kind and understanding while I healed. You're right, TTCAL and PGAL is HARD and your real friends, even if they haven't experienced it, will show love and compassion when you need it.

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  • @Kellyj103 *ouch* a pee stick the day after your m/c? That breaks my heart that that happened to you, and your not-friend sounds crazy for cutting you out of her life. I agree I want people who will be there for the good and the bad, I have very few really close friends and to those that are my people I would do and give anything. Oh and my BFF cut me off her IG feed too (she couldn't unfriend me on FB because my account was deactivated before it happened, but I bet she would have.) Oh well, more room for the right people to be a part of my life. 
  • I'm so sorry to all you ladies that have such selfish friends.  I really only have three good friends and while they often don't say the right thing I know their heart is in the right place.  

    My in-laws on the other hand can be done right oblivious and awful.  When we were purposely left off a group text announcement of his cousin's baby they made sure to call us and send us the picture.  They thought it was a mistake we were left off.  Our babies would have been the same age and this was about 3 weeks after we lost our son.  Some people truly don't understand the pain of losing a child and are tone deaf in their actions.
  • Darn @EmmieAnn22 that freaking sucks! *hugs* 
  • my best friend knew my struggles and even knew what day I was testing (I did clomid and worked with a n RE for the last 2). I was testing on a Thursday and on Tuesday she tests us a bfp in a group text with the words "good
    morning". completely insensitive and I went insane. not to her, to my poor dh. (in retrospect that should've been a sign that I was pregnant, that pesky hormone rage). 

    all she talks about is the pregnancy and wants sympathy from everyone bc she's nauseous and I'm sitting here w no symptoms nervous as hell. I saw a very strong hb this week and I don't think I'll relax til after first tri bc a heartbeat means nothing. 

    she had spotting and had an ultrasound first also and threw that at me video and all. it's not a competition, I don't care what you do and I don't care to "win". the "winning" for me is a take home baby. The fact she got pregnant first try twice and gloats about it throws me over the edge. 

    i dont even think I'm looking for responses I just needed to vent to someone other than my dh for a change ;) 

    but yeah, people suck and don't understand. 
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