NBR Family Anxiety

ShanRum3

I just need to vent. This afternoon is my Grandpa's 80th Birthday party, and My Mom, Aunts, and cousins will all be there. One Cousin in particular who can't have kids will be there and I'm worried about what her reaction to seeing me visibly showing will be. I love her like a sister but she is very withdrawn when anyone in the family is pregnant, however, she's not like that with her friends. I'm just worried about how she'll react... I hate for her to feel like it's being rubbed in her face, because it's totally not... I have refrained from posting any kind of updates, other than our announcement, on social media, so as to shield her from it as much as possible, because I know it's difficult for her.
 My DH also will not be going to the party, because several of my family members aren't overly fond of the fact that he's a SAHD. That is a decision that we made 11 years ago when our babysitter (my stepmom) gave us the shaft and we decided that my job was better, with benefits and higher pay, so if one of us was going to stay home, it would be him. I feel like this will just add fuel to the fire, making them think he's just lazy, and give them more to talk about. It's almost to the point where I dread going, but you never know, this may be my Grandpa's last birthday, and I would hate to miss it.
I would appreciate thoughts and prayers you all could spare today for strength to go and enjoy the celebration for what it is, and not worry about other peoples opinions.
Edited because I posted before I was done typing.

skelly70

It sounds like you've made an effort to be very considerate of your cousin's difficulties, which is kind. That being said, it also isn't realistic to be at a family gathering and not have a new baby come up as a topic for discussion. Could you get there a little bit earlier than your cousin so she won't be present for the initial gushing over your pregnancy?

As far as your DH being a SAHD, props to both of you for making the choice that was right for your family. I'd say stick it to 'em and wear that decision like a flag. If it seems like he's hiding, it makes it look like you think there's something wrong with your decision. You are doing what's best for your kids. No one can argue with that!

ShanRum3

@skelly70 I'm always early, but I'm pretty sure my cousin will be there even earlier, since she is making the cake, and helping with setup.   I have tried to talk DH into coming and explained that it makes him look worse, but he's not a huge people person, especially people who are not supportive of our decisions. It sucks, but I feel like it's not worth fighting about. Thanks for the kind words!

nanner26

Like @skelly70 said, it sounds like you are very aware of her feelings and are trying to be as considerate as possible. You can't be responsible for how she feels because it sounds like you are trying your best. Avoiding her might make things more awkward. What's going to happen when you come to the next family gathering more pregnant or with your child? It seems like you really care about her, but at a certain point there's not much more you can do and you have every right to be at family events like she does. 

If you're husband being a SAHD works for you guys, don't worry about what they think! It's a decision you both made a long time ago. Good for you guys. 

bananers

Maybe you can wear something that doesn't flaunt your bump, and when people bring up your pregnancy, politely answer their questions or acknowledge their congrats, but if she's within earshot maybe try to steer the conversation elsewhere. 

jamiesc58

@ShanRum3 I hope the party went well for you.

My dh is also a SAHD. It made sense for us just as it did for you. I feel the same way about our families judging but try to just let it roll off my shoulders. My MIL asks why I am not a SAHM? Why would that be any different? Because he is a man and I am a woman? We do what is best for our family.

ShanRum3

@jamiesc58 You know, it went really well. Thanks for asking! I just walked in and hugged my cousin and talked to her like normal, and things were great. Her mom didn't even say 1 word to me, but who cares. I sat with another cousin and before we went inside, he and his girlfriend asked me how I thought our cousin was going to react. I just told them that I have done my best to shield her from things that might be reminders and cause more pain to she and her husband, but that in this case, there was nothing I could do. My one Aunt did ask where DH was, and I just told her, "he doesn't like to be around people, and especially people who look down on him." She said she was disappointed he didn't come, and that he should just ignore those people.
I know they say the family dynamic is changing, and more dads are staying at home, but why is there still such a stigma attached to it? It's so frustrating!