Into/natural miscarriage, long & graphic

mommy2owl

I am 24 with a 3 almost 4 yo ds. I have been begging dh for about 2 years now to ttc and last august he finally felt ready lol. I had my mirena removed and planned to wait another 3 months because I had heard of miscarriage right after mirena. I ended up having a cp the next month and I remember telling dh I don't know how women get through miscarriage bc that was pretty devastating to me. 
I found out we were pregnant on January 29th, 2 days before my birthday. We were very excited and went ahead and told all of our close family and friends right then, in about 2 weeks I had to buy some maternity clothes bc I couldn't fit in mine anymore. We also bought a couple things for baby. 
I was spotting after intercourse, but let it go twice bc it stopped quickly and was very minimal. It happened a 3rd time and was worse so I called the ob on February 23rd. They did an us and baby was measuring 6w4d instead of 8w, but I could imagine that I ovulated late, and baby's heartbeat was strong. The ob was confused but said there was no reason to believe I would miscarry. That night the bleeding got worse, which I chalked up to the us, and I saw a solid black ladybug. I know that's kind of random but I saw it and just felt it was a bad omen. When I woke up the next morning the bleeding was the same. I figured I'd wait to call the ob again until it got worse should that happen. I just knew something wasn't right, I wasn't having my usual symptoms. 
I decided to go about my day and went to the store. I'm very thankful that I had my aunt and cousin with me. On the way to target I felt like I needed to poop. And then I laughed and I knew the blood had increased. When I made it to the store I stood up and everything rushed out. I ran to the bathroom, thankfully my aunt had my ds. I wasn't expecting that amount of blood. Passing clots made me nauseous and by the time I could get up and clean the bathroom I physically felt better and I knew I had lost our baby. I called the ob from the bathroom and of course I cried. (Im a very private person and I don't cry in front of people. So this was horribly embarrassing to me.) Long shorter, I made it to the ob and they immediately did an us and told me everything was gone, baby, sac, all of it. 
I hate that I flushed my baby, I don't know that there was any other option but it sucks. Just sucks. I keep seeing all the blood and it's terrifying. The ob told me o was blessed it was so quick and easy. I was pretty upset about this comment until I started reading the stories here. I absolutely cannot imagine what some of you are going through,  and it truly breaks my heart. Dh is sad and very comforting to me, he's my rock. I'm finding strength in reading scripture. And I feel happy about ttc asap, but then I feel horrible for even thinking about that already. I'm having nausea, occasional breast tenderness, and phantom kicks. All of which bring me to tears, I wanted that baby so badly. Every moment of nausea I had seriously cherished bc I knew it was my baby. Now it's practically debilitating. I feel sore like I did after having my ds, not to the same degree but very similar. This makes me feel like I birthed a baby I couldn't take home. I go from happy to tears without any warning, but I can already tell I feel a little better. I'm a little worried about ttc again, but I know nothing will hold me back from having our rainbow. 

Sorry this was so long and a bit scattered, and that thank you for reading. 

Edit: I forgot to mention that I don't feel at all upset that we told people, they have greatly supported me, and I don't regret our purchases. I know they will get use one day and I will think of our angel baby. 

BrightenMySky

I am so sorry for your loss.  What an insensitive comment for your OB to make.  My OB was also not particularly compassionate, I feel like they forget that what's a routine medical event for them is so devastating for us.  Thank you for sharing here, and I especially like the comment you edited to add at the end.  Hugs.

mommy2owl

I'm sorry for your loss as well @BrightenMySky unfortunately I had to see an ob that I hadn't seen before. He also made the "At least you know you can get pregnant" comment, which I didn't need to hear, but I didn't feel like he was trying to be cold. He just seemed detached from the situation. I meant to have that last comment in there, lol. Right now I cry when I see what we've saved/bought and when I go into the room we plan to be a nursery, but I'm just going to continue to prepare the room once it's not so hard to look at. Thank you for reading this. 

AL_TwinCities

I'm so sorry for your loss. If your OB didn't have good bedside manner through this process, maybe it would be worth looking for a new doctor? Our birth center had amazing staff through the whole miscarriage - we were so grateful for them. The last time I had a miscarriage, I went to a clinic for a follow up and didn't love them - I'm so glad I left them and found the birth center. 

mommy2owl

Im sorry for your loss as well @AL_TwinCities. I'm seeing my regular ob for my follow up care, she's very nice. 

BlondePeanut

So sorry for your loss. I just experienced a loss this week. I was very early in, but my Dh and I were so excited after trying for many months. I had a terrible sharp pain, and felt like I needed to use the bathroom. When I went, a bunch of clots came out and I started bleeding. I felt the urge to push. The pain subsided after I passed a handful of clots and a floating blob, which I presume was the sac. I bled quite a bit. I didn't know what to do, and just flushed. I still feel guilty that I flushed my little bean, and I wish I would've buried him/her. My younger sister has a 1 yr old and my younger step brother does also, the babies were born a week apart. I feel like I am surrounded by pregnant woman/mothers....have a bunch at my work who are pregnant. With Mothers Day approaching next month, I don't know how I will handle it. I see my Dr next week for a check up, and I hope to be cleared to keep trying and that we can get pregnant before Mothers Day. I'm terrified my Dr is going to say something is wrong and this loss was the only pregnancy I will ever have, I am just so paranoid now. Being a Mom has been my dream. DH and I have been together 9 yrs, married for 4, and waited until he finished his degree to start trying last year. I always wanted to have kids, and I'm so scared that it won't happen for me.... 

citygirl17

Very sorry for your loss.  I just arrived on this board myself after experiencing a MC.  Never thought it would happen to me, but of course no one does.  I think of an early MC as my body actually doing it's job; shutting down a pregnancy that will not survive rather than wasting energy on letting it continue once it recognizes that the end result will not be viable.  I have one 2.5 year old daughter.  We were casually not trying / not preventing when I found out I was pregnant.  This has made us realize how much we really want another baby. When we're cleared, I think we're going to start really tracking cycles and trying now.  I'm excited for that.

virginiaham

I'm so sorry for your loss and agree about using a different provider (which sounds like you're doing).  We had put our announcements to our parents in the mail literally the day before we found out my hcg was going down, and I'm so glad that it was the extra push I needed to call them both that day.  They cried with me and were hugely supportive.  I'm so glad you're getting support in this.

joyful08

I am so sorry for your loss. That is definitely something your ob did not need to say. I have had several comments from family that were not helpful. My nephew who is 4 1/2 came up to me and said "you were just kidding about the baby in your belly aunt __?". I was so hurt but he's just a kid he didn't know any better. I hope you find some comfort. We are all here for you. 

BrightenMySky

@BlondePeanut I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you get some helpful information from your doctor and are cleared to start trying again when you'd like to do so.  I hear you on being scared that this was the one shot at pregnancy.  I keep thinking "if I ever get pregnant again," but of course I so very much hope it's "when I get pregnant again."  Hugs.

Hopefulmommy1980

I am so sorry for your loss.  People can say the most hurtful things without realizing it. Losing a baby is one of the hardest situations I have gone through. Be sure to take care of yourself

BlondePeanut

@BrightenMySky  Thank you, hugs back. I hope and pray we both will experience the joys of pregnancy again, and go on to have beautiful healthy babies. We have to keep trying to think positive and say "it will happen again", not "if it ever happens again".