Pregnant after a Loss

connecting with baby?

I'm having a hard time connecting with this baby. I feel baby moving and will hopefully find out the sex next week. Last time, I felt so in tune with my little girl but this time, it's like I've put up a block and it's not real. Any mamas have tips on how to feel closer to this LO?
🌈  Preemie 2016  🌈
♥ Stillborn 2015 

Re: connecting with baby?

  • * Lurking from Pg after 35/Sept 16 I haven't introduced myself on this board.

    @mamabish I am feeling exactly the same way, I had an early loss at 8 weeks and it took a while to get KU again and I feel like I lost my way after my loss and TTC. I lost my trust in myself and my inner voice that was able to really connect inwards to baby. I'm 10 weeks now and I haven't had a u/s yet and I don't really feel connected to baby and I am terrified that there isn't even a heartbeat or viable baby even in there. Sometimes the anxiety completely overwhelms me and it make me so sad because I wish I could be happy and pregnant and trust that it will be ok, but I can't. I'm not sure if I will feel more settled if I will be able to see a heartbeat, but I feel so helpless when there isn't anything more tangible I can do about keeping the baby safe and healthy and growing. I am sorry we are going through this and I hope you can find some peace. I have heard a lot of stories about mom's who don't/can't fall in love until sometime after the baby is born, but it does happen. I am sure you are doing everything you can to keep the baby healthy and that is showing love to the baby too. 

  • 31 weeks with my rainbow here... and lucky enough to have 4 boys already... BUT.... feeling connected is a big struggle after a loss. I am excited and ready to meet Elijah but to say I'm connected may be a stretch. 
    You will find a happy place for you.... I promise. 
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  • I completely understand how hard it is to get lost in a pregnancy after a loss.  I have two children and interestingly enough didn't feel that connected with my first during my pregnancy... But the moment I laid eyes on him it was like lightening struck...I was head over heels.

    With my second I felt way  more connected during the pregnancy but then never had a lightening striking moment at or after birth... I had a lot of guilt over this in the first few months.  Maybe it was because I didn't get to see her for a while after birth as I had a c section which ended up taking longer than expected as they found something unexpected during the procedure, or maybe it was because her brother was sick and be neurologist around the time she was born, or maybe it was just that with a two year old and a newborn things were just so busy... Connecting with her even after she was born took time , but she somehow filled my heart with time and I love her fiercely.
    This time I don't know how or when I will connect with this babe, but I know that I will connect with and love them in just the way I need too even if not in the time and way I expect.

    I trust the same will happen for you:). Try to just let yourself feel what you feel even if it isn't what you think you should feel :)

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • My losses were early, so it has been easier for me to connect this time around. I know it's very different for you. I agree with @bgf1 that it's okay to feel however you feel. But it sounds like you want that connection, so maybe visualizing life after his/her arrival will help? I do that sometimes because as a FTM it's hard to imagine life after pregnancy. Finding out the sex was a huge turning point for me. I hope that helps you connect.
    TTC#1 since Jan 2015
    BFP 2/19/15  •  MMC found at 9 wks  •  D&E at 11 wks (age 36)
    BFP 8/29/15
      •  CP (age 37)
    BFP 11/18/15  •  DD born at 41 weeks <3(age 37/38)

    TTC#2 since May 2017
    BFP 10/18/17  •  MMC found at 8 wks  •  Misoprostal at 10.5 wks (age 39)

    BFP 2/16/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 4/13/18
      •  CP (age 39)
    BFP 5/07/18  •  MMC found at 10.5 wks  •  D&E at 11.5 wks 
    •  Testing showed it was a girl with Trisomy 22. (age 39/40)
    9/5/18 Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (4-5 follicles, one ovary had none and was very atrophied)

    RE says the low egg count is likely causing my recurrent pregnancy loss. Less eggs results in more aneuploidy.

    BFP 9/24/18  • 
    CP (age 40)
    BFP 5/11/19  •  Fraternal twins  •  MMC found at 10w5d (Baby A 6w, Baby B 10w)  •  Misoprostal at 11 weeks (age 41)

  • I have a 3yo DD that I felt so connected to during my pregnancy and just knew she was a girl from the start. With my rainbow baby that is 10 days old, I never felt that connection. I didn't take tags of any clothes until 37 weeks and still felt anxious with that. He is here now and I am still trying to wrap my head around having 2 kids. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just feel like his birth triggered the emotions and thoughts that a BFP would normally trigger, I just had so many walls up that I hadn't processed all those emotions. That being said, I was still completely prepared for him and love the snuggle bug to pieces. A loss opens your eyes of all the things that could go wrong and blinds you of all that could go right. It is a long 40 weeks, but at the end, you will love this baby every bit as much as you would have had you connected before his/her arrival.
  • I think as time goes on, the fear of MC declines, and you become more emotionally available. Of course, for later term losses, I think it is different and much more complex. Just know it will come. I still haven't bought anything for this baby (24w) but for no particular reason than I am overwhelmed. When I was emotionally "done" with worrying about MC, and Dr. Googling had driven me insane, a friend told me to start a registry. That helped me out. And then now I realize that I am actually having a baby and have shifted gears. In my mind I like to think I can make her kick, or will her to hear my thoughts. How's that for connection...
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!

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