Marriage / relationship issues

lindseystans

So friends have told me once you have a baby your marriage is hard. I've been told the first year is the hardest. My husband and I are really seeing what they're talking about. We fight all the time. Before baby we rarely ever argued. Mostly we argue about baby stuff. I feel he doesn't help me enough. I feel like I do 95% and he does 5%. He's never once woken up during the night (7 months now, she's still waking), never takes her to my parents / picks up while we work, on weekends he golfs or naps - not always but mostly. Actually we have to have my mom or his mom come stay the night when I'm traveling for work bc he doesn't wake up to our LO crying. Seriously!? We both work. I could totally see if just he worked I would be doing it all bc that would be my "job", but heck no! I work too so I'm tired too. I cook dinner, pick up / clean the house, do laundry and I'm always the one with our LO. But it's bc I want to be! I LOVE every second with my LO. It's what makes me so happy. I want to spend every waking moment with her. I always question why he doesn't want to spend as much time with her. He's gotten better for sure. BUT I still just have so much resentment / wondering what the heck!? Why am I doing so much and you're chillin on the couch watching tv? My mom says it will always be that way, the woman always does it all. 

Anyone else experiencing this?? Okay rant over.

dsalz676

Hi. I'm having same issues , however, I don't work. I need help. That's it. I don't care if you have job and I have a job , or you dont or I do. You can't put off being a parent. Its 24/7. My hubby realized that he is a you know what and being selfish. But time will tell and action speak better than words . we all need rest. No matter how many jobs you have. I Can't help you but mention to him how selfish he is and you need help. Silent treatment works . sometimes. _:) good luck. We mothers need it. 

nicflo2120

Im going thru the exact same thing. I dont work because when i went back to work he had to help out and he was tired all the time we both were so we decided i would stay home with baby. He doesnt help at all even when he has his days off. Other day i asled him to feed LO and he refused to eat when my husband tried to feed him till i grabbed him and he ate then my husband was like well wth why didnt he want to est when i fed him im like because maybe you dont even spend ANY time with him so hes just not having it when you feed him. Ugh it sucks because thats been an issue in our marriage is baby stuff. Mine still wakes up at night too and i do everything 

AKOL0

I don't work and my husband isn't as bad, but we argue quite a bit. On top of the baby, we just bought a house and it needs work. So we are stressed over money. It doesn't help that I never get a break from the baby. He gives me maybe 30 mins a day but I'm still in the room trying to relax. When he has her he usually sits down and watches TV instead of playing. I had him feed her her purees the other day. He wasn't doing it the way I do and he was getting upset if her attention wasn't on food. So I was getting upset because I am able to feed her while feeding myself. 

To make matters worse, our baby is pretty needy. I have to give her my attention basically 24/7.  She is still waking up 2-3 times a night. Thankfully besides the feedings (which only take 7 mins), she'll stay in her crib 10 to 12 hours. 

Good luck mama's. Hopefully it'll get easier after the babies turn one. 

mamaklemond

Hang in there mommas. It is tough, we just had our 2nd in July, 2 babies in 2 years and the first one came just 11 months into our marriage. It is hard. My best advice is don't try to micromanage him when he does try to help out. He will feel like you're being his mother, not his partner and our husband's want a partner. Put him first. Yes I love love love spending time with my boys but my husband has to be my number 1. After all he IS my partner, he needs to be shown that. I work 3 to 4 days a week so I definitely relate to feeling like 90% of the house "work" and baby duties fall on me. But I find that when he helps and I don't nag at him or try to tell him how to do it he does it more often. After all, he is their dad. He can parent how he sees fit too. And that's why he must be my number 1 bc our boys need us to parent together as a team!

dsalz676

I agree about the micromanaging hubby. Did it and didn't work out. Just let it be and things will flow like it should be. Great advice.

lilyan1522

I don't want to speak for everyone here but I think it is VERY common that the mother takes on more duties with the baby. I would guess it's rarely 50/50 and I think this stems from the feeding (breastfeeding) aspect. It's so vitally important (always) but especially in the first few weeks/months and it creates a natural bond that a father has to work more to have. Also, as our nanny says, "men just do things differently from women". I think we like to have things done our way and we tell them they're doing it wrong and then they get even more discouraged. I know It's tough for me to sit back and let him do things his way, but I try to as much as possible. I find myself doing more housework than him, playing with the baby, and just being motivated in general, but I honestly think some of it is my fault bc I am so type A that I feel like I have to do it all. He has never once refused to do something I asked him to, I just think honestly sometimes he doesn't know how to help. Maybe try giving specific tasks instead of just saying can you help me. I know that works much better for us. I do wish he would be more self-motivated, but I find our relationship works much better if I let him be himself and tell him the things I need him to do. I don't think he's being lazy or non-helpful on purpose. Plus, moms are just superheroes. Period. Sorry this post is so long haha

lindseystans

nicflo2120 said:

Im going thru the exact same thing. I dont work because when i went back to work he had to help out and he was tired all the time we both were so we decided i would stay home with baby. He doesnt help at all even when he has his days off. Other day i asled him to feed LO and he refused to eat when my husband tried to feed him till i grabbed him and he ate then my husband was like well wth why didnt he want to est when i fed him im like because maybe you dont even spend ANY time with him so hes just not having it when you feed him. Ugh it sucks because thats been an issue in our marriage is baby stuff. Mine still wakes up at night too and i do everything 


Yup! Same thing happens in our house. LO won't eat with him or go down for naps with him but does with me. I tell him all the time it's bc you're not around! You don't do anything with her, duh. 

lindseystans

Thanks for the responses ladies...I used to micromanage about everything, but that didn't work as you would guess. I have stopped doing that. I 100% agree that I feel like he doesn't know how to help, he sits in the couch and doesn't even realize he should be doing something. It doesn't cross his brain to do laundry, dishes, cook, play with LO etc. I have to ask. All. The. Time. I guess I'll just keep asking? It sure gets annoying and old though. as I sit here typing this he is napping...just got home from golf. Typical. 

dolly0132

I could have written this! I thought having a child together would bring us even closer BUT we have never argued this much!
its like we argue over the same old stuff, ok I haven't gone back to work yet but still looking after the LO is a full time thing and housework/washing etc gets on top of me.
He would never think to do any himself I have to ask things and also he has hardly any patience with our daughter he can get her to nap but I think he just bores her to sleep lol.
Its good to rant sometimes!
And also friends have told me their partners/husbands got more involved when the babies grow up a little so they interact more

krissyberb

My husband and I actually had a conversation about this last night.  I've been back to work for almost 4 months now, but our LO is just going to be starting childcare in about 3 weeks  I figure that we're going to lose 1 1/2 hours a day with adding pick up/drop off time and getting his stuff together.  My husband wants to help but doesn't know what to do or how to prioritize.  If I just told him to help more, it wouldn't do anything.  We're going to try working together on a list of things that need to be done to keep the house running (eg, cleaning, laundry, bills, grocery shopping, get LO ready in the morning, etc).  Then decide together who is going to take responsibility for what.  I also realized that one of the reasons I'm feeling frustrated is that I feel like my husband gets time for himself, but I don't get any "me time."  I feel guilty about leaving LO because I work. 

Youngwithra

Having same issue too but I don't work. I totally understand and don't expect DH to help out especially Sun-Th when he works ( he works graveyard) but on his days off I do expect help! Not happening. We have arguments. I'm always in a bad mood with him. I recently started going to school Saturday's... I'm gone for 6 hours so he's been staying with our LO. One Saturday he took the baby with his mom and came back home. I expected him to at least clean up the house since he didn't have the baby with him. WELL house was still a mess with I got home. today he stayed home with the baby and by the time I got home I was able to notice he was tired lmao I think he sees how it isn't easy as he thought. FYI I love every moment I have with my LO. 

dolly0132

I love every moment too and want to be with her all the time and like pp said question why he's not the same, especially as he works so his time with her is more limited.
Is it just a mother thing? And will he be more interested when she's older?

ChristinaWild

We had a similar issue the first few months, and as insane as this sounds, lists have made all of the difference in our world! I keep a running of list of things that need to be done. Whenever I'm juggling the munchkin and trying to do 700 other things, I just kind of point to the list and ask my husband if he would mind helping with some of it. It kind of lets him decide what he can handle, and keeps me from feeling like I'm the only one doing house stuff. Good luck! I hope it gets better!!

dsalz676

Sometimes the partner has this " what if I do it wrong" mentality. Hubby didnt want to feed baby her first food because he thought he would mess up. Gotta keep positive and be a good coach. 

NewMumzy25

We don't have too many issues, we argue a bit but it's not much to do with baby until I am overwhelmed with everything else going on in life. We also just purchased a house it needs a bit of work. My brother in law loves with us and doesn't do much. He sleeps all day and watches tv or games all day. He will sometimes help me with the baby bit I cook and clean and have a very needy baby who is used to constant attention and expects it. We're havjbg trouble financially and I want my brother in law to understand better cause we support him. I'm dealing with two family members that are dying of cancer and have less than 6 months to live and I'm a 3 day drive away and in a different country wishing I could be there to say goodbye.  

My husband didn't fully realize just how much I deal with in regards to our little man fussing and needing attention till last week when he took a couple days off work. He got a taste of what I get in a day by myself.  It's not easy, I do however get help from my hubby when I need it. There are things where he has less patients than me or hasn't done it and I think is scared of how it will go so he says he doesn't know how and I will do it. But he helps with other things where he can and is doing more seeing how rough it's been for me the last couple weeks finally coming to terms with my family member dying and then I get told another is going to go soon too and I'm just breaking Down.

It's rough but communication works for me I tell my hubby I'm struggling and need help and he will do something even if it's as simple as running me a bath and taking the baby.