My mouth will end my marriage. (Long) — The Bump
December 2015 Moms

My mouth will end my marriage. (Long)

So I complain about my SO a lot. I am upset that he doesn't seem to have a strong connection to our son, I feel like I do most of the taking care of our son and I feel disrespected when he doesn't help out with the daily house cleaning like he used to. He tends to check out and dick around on his phone for hours when he gets home and if/when I do give him our son to look after and he starts crying (the baby, not husband) DH won't do much to help smooth him so he ends up holding a screaming/crying baby in one arm and his phone in his other hand. Everytime I confront him about this he raises his voice and says he's trying. (Baby doesn't seem to see dad as a soothing presence) So I feel like DH is trying to continue with his pre-baby life and let me handle everything else (groceries, laundry,house cleaning) because his job and school are more important than mine. Well, trying to talk to him is like talking to a brick wall and I need to "watch my attitude" so I usually just hold it in until I break and lash out. Today I told him that my attitude stems from other things like the fact that I do most of the care for the kid. He lost it. He was pissed. 
Maybe be he will end up realizing that I'm right and he should step up all the time instead of when it's convenient for him. The days he helps it's mostly great. He will cook dinner but leave me with dishes, bath time, and bed time. 
I understand that he is stressed (finances, no sense of accomplishment, no feeling of self worth) but I am really getting tired of trying to be happy enough for the both of us. And if I mention counseling/ depression he just states he's not depressed and doesn't need it. ( Afghan war vet, avid gun lover, PTSD verified) 
Its just frustrating that the only time he seems to actually hear me is when I'm pissed off and yelling or when I say he doesn't help with his kid. I know I hit a nerve since his fear is to be his dad who wasn't there for him. But I just said what I saw. Holding your kid for and hour while your wife makes dinner or tries to get ready for work doesn't feel like being an active part in the Childs life right now. 
It seems like me stating what I feel and being angry will make my husband leave. 

Re: My mouth will end my marriage. (Long)

  • Alright, hubby has PTSD from Iraq and while it has been an issue it mostly hasn't kept him from helping. (He struggled a lot in the beginning when he'd suddenly be woken up by DS crying). I'm just saying this isn't an excuse. If he's struggling with it then he needs treatment if he doesn't want to be like his father. I know withdraw is part of it and it sounds like he's doing that some with his phone.

    What I had to do with hubby was talk to him but be conscious of my wording. I'd telling him things like that I felt unsupported, that doing so much was leaving me exhausted and I felt it was making my own mental health suffer. I acknowledge he was struggling and was stressed, that I wanted to help him as much as I could (if he'd let me) but that I needed his help to. It's a partnership which means helping each other.

    Maybe if he won't talk to you, suggest he get out where he can get a break but that he needs to come home and be present when he's there. Hubby found the VFW helpful for a while and they helped him get things moving with the VA hospital. He also worked with a lot of other exmilitary that were supportive so when he'd have issues at work there was always someone he could talk to.
  • The most frustrating part is when he shuts down. I will try to talk to him but he will be playing with his phone and just say ok. Or if he starts to get mad he just tells me he's done and he's not talking about it anymore.  He won't even look at me. 
    I only mention the PTSD part because I think it's what has contributed to him shutting down. I'm honestly not trying to use it as an excuse. He wasn't like this before so it's so upsetting to see the man that I married (post deployment) is not the man I have today. His emotions are anger filled. It seems to have just compounded over the years and he won't get any frigging help. 
  • I don't think you're using it as an excuse. I mean it shouldn't be keeping him from being the husband and father he very well could be. It definitely could be part of the PTSD and sounds a lot like things I've seen hubby do (and he's had to work on).

    I did go to the VA with hubby when he was initially valuated and they explained there are different types of responses to it. One is withdrawal. Hubby did this the worst during my first pregnancy and just completely shut down.

    I mentioned your post to him and he said unfortunately nothing will happen until he realizes for himself it's a problem. For hubby it was Fourth of July during my first pregnancy. Then one night when DS's sudden crying woke him up and I found him bent over the kitchen sink in tears. He said then that he needed help but I wish he hadn't had to hit that low for it to happen.

    It is frustrating. We got married post deployment as well and he wasn't like this immediately. He went through readjustment but that seemed normal. Stuff like remembering he didn't need to suddenly change lanes without signaling going under an overpass. But he gets stressed and shuts down and becomes this stranger.

    After he started looking into getting help I started sharing with him things I'd noticed. He hadn't even known it was as bad as it'd gotten. Sometimes I would just ask "is there a reason you do this?" He wouldn't have noticed he even did it. I don't know if he was having nightmares but he also wasn't aware that for a lot time he'd talk and thrash in his sleep.

    I think they figure out how to survive and get by and part of that is denial. No one wants to feel that broken. And I'm sorry if I'm rambling but this is something that I've really never had the chance to talk about.
  • @Mizuiro007 I completely appreciate your ramblings! It justifies to me that I'm not just a crazy mean person. I hope he will see it for himself. I really just want him to get help so we can move past this. I love him more than the world and I will fight for him but it's just so hard some days. Some days he is so caring and happy but others, a complete stranger in my own home. Each day I wake up wondering if it will be a good or bad day. Thank you for your advise and it's good to know I'm not alone!
  • Yes. My mom works in a group home for mentally handicapped and was talking one day about a class she had to do for work and how they talked about your can have PTSD sort of second hand from living with someone with it. It made perfect sense at the time.

    The way I've seen him sometimes has absolutely broken my heart and I want so badly to protect him from that. Then it's made me overly sensitive to the things I know are triggers for him to the point of causing anxiety for me. Last Fourth of July I was so worried about him with the fireworks that when they started I was the one that snapped. This year we agreed to get one of those signs saying a combat veteran lives here.

    Then I start to relax and something does happen to set him off. Like being able to go out for a while without event and suddenly being stuck in the middle of a crowded store with him looking panicked and telling me we need to leave. Some of it I can deal with. I learned how to calm him in his sleep and then he figured out he needs noise. Now he sleeps with ear buds listening to documentaries on his phone. He says the voices make him feel he isn't alone so he feels safer.

    Most times it's just too unpredictable and I don't know what to do. I support his wish not to take medications and see how hard he's working at it. Then other times I feel so helpless and frustrated that I wish there was more and maybe occasionally meds would help, like when heshe hyperalert and pacing the apartment like a caged wild animal.

    Anyway, no, you definitely aren't a crazy mean person. You're perfectly human. Any time you're feeling frustrated with it and need to vent or just want to talk I'm here.
  • Seek help for your child's sake, doesn't sound like a positive environment to raise kids in. 
  • This is my husband exactly. Honestly I've had enough and I'm sick of it. He went out with friends today for the second weekend in a row. I was livid. The weekends are the only time I get some help and he's not even here. I gave him the choice of counseling or divorce. I think he realized what an issue it is because I'm 100% serious about divorce. I'm doing it all on my own anyways. We'll see if he straightens up. Why are men so ridiculous? Step up to the plate and raise your kid. You aren't crazy and you are completely logical. 

  • groovylocksgroovylocks member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2016
    Our marriage is on the brink too. My husband is a very selfish guy. He makes up for it by also being dependable, responsible and very honest. But he's selfish. He's got a very high opinion of himself and a very low opinion of other people. During an argument, he called me a bad mom because I am night blind and so obviously can't see well enough to drive at night and when Olive had pink eye (something I mistook for an acute allergic reaction) I had to call my inlaws to help get her to the hospital)

    He doesn't think I'm a bad mom. He was angry about something (unrelated) so started trying to find ammunition. 

    I could write on and on about this kind of childishness. 

    He had a terrible childhood. He was basically raised in a restaurant by two neglectful parents before being shipped off at age 9 to care for a dying and severely abusive relative. I get it. He's damaged. I hate what happened to that little boy he used to be. I'm a mother and seeing pictures of him as a child, smiling less and less every year of his life, breaks my heart. 

    I'm not a shrink. None of us are (except for those of us who are.. and you guys can tell the rest of us what we need to do) If somebody is making your life hell and is unwilling to get help, you have EVERY RIGHT to give an ultimatum. To pull away. To put yourselves and your babies first.
  • If you are in an abusive situation then, absolutely, get out. Head for the hills!
    but if you're in an undesirable situation try to stick it out. Because parenting young children, and teens for that matter, is very very stressful. And there is no good place to put that stress - except for that one person you CAN assign blame to - the other parent. This is just the way it is. Very few parents are good at remembering they are on the same team when they are tired, stressed, hungry, unshowered & neglecting themselves. If the other parent can- let's say - pee by themselves - you are enraged- but pick any example. Don't give up the ship! It will get better, they will figure it out, talk it out, get a third party- whatever it takes. Because marriage isn't easy - add to that a terrible thing like ptsd- or generalized anxiety or depression- and it can feel like too much. Like it'd be easier on your own - and maybe it would be - I don't know- I just know that my dh & I have been on the brink a few times & im so glad we never followed through. 
    Take a break, go stay with friends, do whatever you need to. Keep talking, know you are not alone. 
  • Hubby wanted me to add in that it may help to get some counseling for yourself and that VFW can offer family support, so might help you as well as your husband. I know I've enjoyed when I've gone.
  • Let me just pre-face this with:I have ZERO plans to leave him. Yes he can be selfish but it's mostly from him just not thinking things through. Once shit hits the fan he is exactly who I want on my side. He has high anxiety but I would never leave him for it. He just needs help with it. I'm used to having to be his anchor but the added stress of a baby is what really did it. Yesterday after I got home from work we were able to talk. He really doesn't mean anything by his actions. They're not intentional. I just have to keep reminding myself that. 

    I really want want to go to the VA with all the resources but it's an hour away from where we live. And the nearest VFW actually closed. 
  • That's really too bad about the VFW. It's the same for us with the VA. There may be a closer clinic that could work. They won't let hubby change his care location because he has a CPAP and it's managed where he's at now (local clinic would just have to send him to the hospital and VA is a pain that way).

    If you have private insurance that would cover it, seeing someone through county mental health or private practice might be an alternative. They wouldn't have the same experience but it would beat that long a drive on such a frequent basis.
  • There is a clinic that his pop is at and that's only 15 minutes away. I set him up for it all last year and he has yet to go. He just keeps saying he has no time. He is a full time student (yay gi Bill!!) and he works on the side anywhere from 10-40 hours a week. I am pretty much waiting on a rainy day where he and I both have off so I can make him go. 
  • At least there's a clinic close. It sounds like it's still coming back to him needing to decide for himself that he needs the help. I think it's harder when it's just them withdrawing. They don't see it as being bad. Not like if they were violent or panicking. It's less obvious and easier to deny.
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