Family trouble

asangell

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this post. Maybe just to get my story out there, maybe for some friendly advice, or maybe just some reassurance that they feelings aren't that far off from par.

My husband and I are expecting our first child on March 29th.  We tried for 10 months to get pregnant and had one early miscarriage, so we're so excited to be just weeks away from having a baby in our arms.

When we were about 9 weeks pregnant, my brother and sister in law announced that they were expecting too, due March 25th with twins. We announced a couple weeks later.

At the beginning of November, my brother and his wife tragically lost both babies to selective growth syndrome at 19 weeks. They as well us were devastated.

Since then I've tried to be careful around them both. I try not to bring up our pregnancy around them, waiting for them to say something first. In three months the most my sister in law has said to me about it was a snide remark about how the birthing classes we were taking were pointless since she made it through labor just fine without them. 

A couple weeks ago, they were talking about the trip they're taking out of the country the first week of April.  This upset me because if we're overdue at all, it means that they will miss the birth of our child.  Yesterday I received the news that my sister in law will not be attending my baby shower.

I understand why all of these upcoming events will be a challenge for them. Because we were due at the same time, these are all things that they should be going through too. But it still upsets me that they refuse to participate.  I feel that I have worked hard to be careful around them, and in turn have sacrificed some attention and special times with the rest of my family, and that's fine. But I can't help but feel that this is a prelude into how little they're going to be involved in my child's life, and that breaks my heart.

skruhmin

Careful with this.  People grieve in different ways.  After my miscarriage I could not be around babies.  My SIL was pregnant at the same time as me - I lost the baby, she went on to have a healthy baby and I couldn't even begin to be happy for her.  Things will be different when your baby arrives, but try to cut them some slack. 

asangell

Are you active in your niece's/nephew's life now? Really that's all I care about. Thank you!

skruhmin

Not at all.  But they've pretty much disowned our side of the family, so I wouldn't go based on that. 

flowerpower5838

asangell said:

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of this post. Maybe just to get my story out there, maybe for some friendly advice, or maybe just some reassurance that they feelings aren't that far off from par. My husband and I are expecting our first child on March 29th.  We tried for 10 months to get pregnant and had one early miscarriage, so we're so excited to be just weeks away from having a baby in our arms. When we were about 9 weeks pregnant, my brother and sister in law announced that they were expecting too, due March 25th with twins. We announced a couple weeks later. At the beginning of November, my brother and his wife tragically lost both babies to selective growth syndrome at 19 weeks. They as well us were devastated. Since then I've tried to be careful around them both. I try not to bring up our pregnancy around them, waiting for them to say something first. In three months the most my sister in law has said to me about it was a snide remark about how the birthing classes we were taking were pointless since she made it through labor just fine without them.  A couple weeks ago, they were talking about the trip they're taking out of the country the first week of April.  This upset me because if we're overdue at all, it means that they will miss the birth of our child.  Yesterday I received the news that my sister in law will not be attending my baby shower. I understand why all of these upcoming events will be a challenge for them. Because we were due at the same time, these are all things that they should be going through too. But it still upsets me that they refuse to participate.  I feel that I have worked hard to be careful around them, and in turn have sacrificed some attention and special times with the rest of my family, and that's fine. But I can't help but feel that this is a prelude into how little they're going to be involved in my child's life, and that breaks my heart.

As someone that has experienced multiple losses and grieved each of those in separate ways, you just need to give them space. So what if they aren't there when your baby is born? Do you really want them in the hospital room after you just completed the marathon of birth when you are learning how to be a mom, breast feed, bond, etc. etc.? It's a bummer that SIL isn't going to be there for your shower, but it is what it is.

You say you understand why these things would be hard for them with one breath and then in the next you complain about it. Doesn't sound very understanding to me.I think it's a little dramatic to say that this is a prelude to how little they will be involved in your child's life. Your SIL just lost two babies for crying out loud. Give her longer than two months to grieve for them.

I think you sound bratty. Just my personal opinion, not an attack on you. I am honestly just giving you the feedback that you asked for to maybe give you a little perspective.

asangell

Thank you. I can't imagine going through so many losses. I honestly don't mean to sound inconsiderate or anything like that.

skruhmin

And honestly it took me a year of counseling to even begin to heal.  Everyone heals in different ways and at different times.

flowerpower5838

Just remember that they are family and to be there when they are ready. Just because your world will revolve around your LO (and rightfully so), it doesn't mean that they will feel the same. Thanks for being receptive to our opinions - it means a lot.

asangell

I appreciate the feedback. I can only imagine what they're gonna through, so it helps to hear from someone who maybe has a better idea.

SarahFoley725

I'm sure that your SIL would love to be there for you, but she probably just can't. I have never experienced a loss, but my heart goes out to anyone who has. I am certain that they are taking this trip when they are specifically to not be home when their babies and yours would be born. It isn't to be mean to you or to say they don't care. It's to find something to distract them and hopefully allow them the heal. When they do see your baby, I'm sure that will be hard on them as well. Just give them some time and try not to take it personally.

KMKaiser07

I agree with everything the PP's have said. Our cousin had a baby right when we were losing ours and it took me months before I went over to meet him. They were also more concerned about us and our emotions than us meeting their baby. They wanted to know if there was anything they could do for us instead of thinking of themselves. Everyone grieves in their own way and it's pretty insensitive to be upset that she doesn't want to attend the baby shower. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't go. Doesn't mean she won't love your baby it's just extremely hard to have everything shoved in your face that you could have had but aren't. 19 weeks is a very long time to carry and fall in love with babies. I know how devastated I was at 8 weeks. I can only begin to imagine the heartache when you are halfway through. I also don't think it's a big deal if they are gone for the birth. A trip may be just what they need to continue to heal. Give them time to want to meet your baby. It's a tough thing to do when you've lost.

clairemwalker

Good on you for being considerate of her feelings! as pps have suggested, everyone grieves differently. They may have planned
their trip with that timing deliberately, as the pain associated with seeing your pregnancy will likely to be nothing compared to the pain of seeing your healthy baby in your arms when she has neither of hers. Try not to take it too much to heart, she will most likely come around in her own time : )

jenniferamcooper

I don't think you're being selfish and I think this is a great place to ask these questions.

Likely they're planning to be away from events like showers and births because they can't handle those occasions but also don't want to seem inconsiderate. Both of you are probably worried about the same thing.

I've never experienced a loss but I have a high rate of miscarriage with a medical condition I have. I prepped myself by reading about loss (morbid I know but I'm a researcher) and it's true that everyone grieves differently. A friend of mine experienced a loss when I was 8 months pregnant and I was shocked that she attended both my shower and came to the hospital. I told her to take her time and that if she can't physically be there for me I absolutely understand. She had a tough go and even after a rainbow baby she still struggles. 

I'm sure once they come out of the fog of grief that they'll be there for you and you family. If they feel guilty about it please tell them not to worry, baby won't remember aunt and uncle didn't visit til they were 2/3 months old  

My strategy about my friend was to be in contact but literally not talk about babies. We'd text back and forth about stupid things and I'd help her through panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, etc. But I didn't bring our situation up because it's not what she needed to hear.

Good luck!

ClaireBear90

Give them time and space. And more time and more space. We've been through some rough patches with friends who have had multiple losses. Sometimes it felt like the relationship was dying, but it wasn't. They will be happy for you as best they can and if they aren't able to immediately be a part of your baby's life, it's okay. Honestly, I think taking a trip out of the country soon after/while you are having your baby is a good idea for them and I'm glad they're able to recognize what they need right now.

At the same time, it's okay to feel disappointed and sad that they can't participate and be around you and your baby as much as you wish they would. But don't focus too much on your feelings or give them any reason to feel guilty about not attending the shower or being around for the birth. Be as supportive as you can and let them grieve however they need to for as long as they need to. They can still go on to have a great relationship with your LO when they are ready.

diablesse

Everyone already gave you great advice. I'm just adding my vote in there. You definitely need to give them space. It's great that you've tried to be as considerate as you can so far, but the hardest part for them is still to come - when they actually get to see your fat, squirmy little bundle of joy while their arms remain empty.

I had a miscarriage and it really does affect everyone differently. My SIL just had her baby last week and I'm so goddamn excited that our babies are only going to be weeks apart. Had l lost this pregnancy, I would have taken it much, much harder than the prior. 

kitteh81

I think that if you want them to eventually be a part of your child's life, you need to be as understanding as possible right now and not push them. Of course they can't be happy participants in your pregnancy right now. Honestly I think it's cruel to even  think that she would be psychologically or emotionally able to handle attending the shower or birth. I'm sure you're not trying to be cruel, but it doesn't seem like you're truly putting yourself in their shoes. Their children just died. That level of grief doesn't just go away in a couple of months. 

Cowboycorgi

My SIL lost her twins at 26 weeks, and then ended up having her son last year. She still is unable to attend my baby shower, which is perfectly reasonable. Baby showers trigger her, and I would rather her enjoy a day with my nephew than be tortured by having to smile when all you want to do is cry. 

She also took a vacation on her due date with the twins, and the 1 yr anniversary. If I remember correctly. 

I have 100% faith that she is going to love her niece absolutely when she arrives in March. If she needs to step away for a while, or from time to time, then I know it is for her own emotional wellbeing and has no bearing on my child or her relationship with her niece. Sometimes to be able to love eventually you have to take a step back. 

tJaffe

I can totally see where your SIL is coming from. Although this is our first pregnancy, we found out a few weeks after learning we were pregnant that my husbands very best friend had gotten his girlfriend (of 2 months) pregnant. We are due a week apart. 

I was upset at first because it had taken us 7 months to get pregnant and somehow she got pregnant on some birth control shot. I was so worried that we were going to lose our baby that we desperately wanted and that they'd get a healthy baby that they didn't even try for. I know that sounds horrible and selfish and yadda yadda but it's honestly how I felt. I remember telling my husband in the beginning that I would never be able to go around their baby if we lost ours. I meant it too. My whole world literally revolves around my DH and this baby now and he's not even here yet. 

I still get worried about it from time to time. As silly as it may be, being a mother is my biggest dream in life. I feel like I'm so close to getting that, and it could easily all be taken away. I still think about the fact that I will never be able to be around their baby if anything happens to ours. And I don't think that's anything more than normal response to a horrible situation. 

Your feelings of disappointment are valid. But your SIL feelings are valid too. Imagine how devastated you would feel if the situation were reversed. I think their coping with there loss, will continue to do so, and eventually be able to come around. Until then, you need to be understanding. Their needs to come to terms, accept their loss, and learn to move on are far greater than your perceived need of having your SIL at the baby shower or to visit baby in hospital. 

Synnovus

I think you already have gotten many good advices, but I'll add mine too.

Of course it's sad that you can't share this with your brother and SIL, but their need for space and time to grieve are greater than your need to share your pregnancy and birth with them.

My cousin had her son stillborn at 22 weeks two days before I gave birth to DS. I wasn't told until a couple days after I gave birth to DS. It made me so thankful for how lucky I was that I had a healthy baby in my arms, but to hold in my arms what she just lost shattered my heart. I was more concerned with how I could give her and her DH my condolences and show support with out hurting her more, than her being happy for me. As expected her and her DH needed quite some time (months) before they were able to meet DS. And when they did she had already let us know that she might need to step out and take a moment to her self if things got too emotional for her. All of this we were absolutely fine with. 

When we were TTC #2 I had three losses in a row. It was very difficult for me to deal with others pregnancies for a while. My sister got pregnant after my second loss (she too had one loss before that). It was very hard for me when she told me. I was happy for her, but got reminded of what I had lost as well as jealous that it wasn't me who was pregnant. When I got pregnant shortly after her we were so happy, but I lost again. After my third loss I was unsure of how I would react to seeing my sister visually pregnant. It went better than I thought, but I cried when I saw the ultrasound picture they kept on the fridge.

My second loss was a missed misscarriage that was discovered at 16 weeks. This was the worst loss mentally and physically for me. My body even prepared for the milk to come in and to have to physically deal with that type of bodily functions after a loss was very hard mentally. After a loss your body release the same hormones as after birth and the longer you have been pregnant before a loss the more your body will prepare for an actual baby being there afterwards.Your SIL probably dealt with a lot of that hard aftermath (which at the time are a very cruel reminder of what you lost) when she said that birth class comment and I would take it as a sign of her grief and not something personal to you. 

I too like other pp believe the timing of their trip is deliberate so they can be doing something else and get a little distracted from what they should have, but don't. Give them time and space to grieve and heal.