Holidays 2015- How'd we do ladies?

BornReady

Ahh the Holidays. A time of large family gatherings, questions about when you will start/grow your family and seemingly endless baby announcements and small children everywhere.

So...How'd we all hold up ladies? I know we still have New Years coming up, but I thought we might be able to check-in and vent in one place? 

Mine went better than expected. I felt pretty good. Got a few pangs of jealousy seeing some Facebook announcements, hearing my cousins talk about a friend who was pregnant and of course thinking of what it would have been like to be pregnant right now, but overall I was OK. 

ceclarlinetlo

I faired better than expected. With my my first loss I got my BFP last Christmas Eve so I was expecting to be a little sad. But it was actually seeing the pictures on Instagram of the babies who are the same age mine would have been that was the most tough. But we were still able to have some nice time with family. All of our immediate family knows about our two losses this year so no one asked when we're going to have kids but my brother (when I was holding my nephew born two weeks after I was due) asked if it was making my ovaries tingle. I just ignored that.

westcoastfoodie

I'm really trying to stay as positive as I can, but yesterday was rough. It could have been worse, but so many baby pics and a couple pregnancy announcements on fbook... they don't usually get to me but yesterday they did. My brothers and their wives gave me a necklace with my son's initials last night and I cried and told my mom, "I'm just so angry today. I don't want to be but I am. Just so angry." Felt good to get it out. Overall it was ALRIGHT. I know there will be better Christmases in our future and I was lucky to have my family around and their support.

I hope everyone else is finding some peace this holiday season, even under crappy circumstances.

penelope4612

On one hand, it was easier than expected.  I was dreading the "when are you guys having kids?" question after our loss, and it didn't bother me as much as I had thought.

However, I came home to discover that one of my FB friends (who I am not really friends with in real life, and old HS acquaintance) is on her FOURTH "surprise" pregnancy.  Yes, that's right, she has "accidentally" been pregnant FOUR times.  She posted a video of her kids finding out the news and they aren't excited (why you would post a video of your kids being unhappy about finding out you're pregnant, I don't know).  She's also one of those people who is always complaining that they are overwhelmed and posting about how her kids are driving her nuts all the time.  It was a bit much for me to deal with, and I'm still pretty irritated about it.  I may end up having to unfollow her.

chloe97

We had told all of H's family that we were KU on Thanksgiving and found out the Monday afterward that the baby's heart had stopped beating a few weeks earlier. H is extremely close to his parents, so they all know that I've been a mess emotionally. Luckily, most of his family avoided the subject yesterday when I made it clear I was not wanting to talk about it and concentrating on drinking all the wine I missed out on Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately my drunk FIL started asking me questions about when we could start trying again. I really didn't want to get in to about the date that I was expecting my next period and my ovulation pain with him, so I tried to brush him off with "next month". FIL is an only child and H's one sister has made it clear she will not be having children, so I feel like the future of his family line depends on my uterus and aging eggs. I love my in-laws, but I've made the decision to avoid them until we are well in to our next pregnancy. They've been very supportive and sweet, but I know all they want is a grandchild and until I can give them one, all I'm going to feel around them is pressure.

MissPrint1219

One word: UGH. DH told me yesterday he was "dark inside" and I think he was only half-kidding. For myself, I'm not sure how much of my bah-humbug has to do with the fact that it was 70 degrees here yesterday, or that I'm dark & twisty myself thinking about how different the day would have been, if only.

FireInWonderland

I got lucky, in a weird way. I didn't go home for Christmas because DH was working and we aren't going home for NY because DH doesn't have enough time off to justify the flight and the arguing over which family to spend time with (because his parents are really selfish about seeing us and my parents always have to take the high road). I haven't heard any announcements and I haven't been on social media too much. A few of my friends had babies this year and seeing their Christmas pictures was pretty rough. But other than that, I'm holed up until New Years and I plan on drinking until it's pink to look on the bright side - because I love craft beer and champagne. (Not too much, though!)

strickland8052

We had big plans to tell our parents that we were expecting on Christmas. Since our loss, that plan obviously changed so exchanging presents with them was extra tough. My parents know about loss so that went better because they understood. His parents don't know so I felt extra pressure to pretend to be normal.

We got through that land mine then it was time for extended family. My grandfather's girlfriend told us it's about time I get pregnant and that my grandpa wants great grandchildren. (DH and I are the only ones near ready to make that possible). That sucked but not as bad as I thought.

The worst was finding out that another one of my friends is pg and due a month before what I would have been. I'm really dreading when the August announcements start coming out. I may have to avoid Fb completely.

Overall it wasn't as bad as I thought. It feels like Af may be on her way, so I'm looking forward to a new cycle, a new year, and hopefully a new pregnancy!

Lovefor5inID

I didn't do so well...I continued to avoid my sister-in-law because she is pregnant along side me and she still has her baby (due in March)...I actually abided all family functions and stayed home-I didn't mind...slept...and thought of my sweet baby Griffin...the funeral home gave us a very nice ornament...doesn't make it easier. I hope everyone was able to get through with some positive aspects...

Cubslove12

My Husband's cousin is pregnant and also due in July. We had a Christmas Party with that side of the family the Saturday before my D&C (Tue). That made that party really hard... I was such a mixture of emotions jealousy and then feeling guilty for not being excited for them, it was really hard knowing they weren't trying for the baby, we were.... My husband is a fireman and worked Christmas, I actually ended up with a Sinus infection anyway so it was nice to stay home and be sick and avoid his other pregnant cousin. We did do Christmas eve with his parents and brothers, went to church and saw most of his aunts and uncles. That was about all the Christmas I needed. 

Aquarius923

It was tough. I'm only 2.5 weeks out from my 23 week stillbirth. My SIL is pregnant and though she was keeping it a secret, my MIL spilt the beans. I'm happy for her but it kills me. I just want to fast forward the next few months.

cammlyn

After 2 losses thus year some days were worse than others. But I managed. A few breakdowns but powered through.

What sucks was there were at the most random times. No real "reason" to trigger.

jlnauvil

Honestly, I never thought I would take it this hard. I got so angry everytime I saw someone announce they were pregnant. There was a solid 5 announcements I saw that day. I wrapped up my sons presents, and by the time my head hit the pillow, I started hysterically crying. I ran downstairs to my husband and he let me cry on the steps for probably 10 minutes. I think what frustrates me the most is that I remember that excitement of announcing, and I feel like it was ripped away from us. My sister in law is due two weeks before our baby was due and I honestly can't even speak to her yet. It makes me angry to see her name and she deserves to have a happy and healthy pregnancy, so I'm keeping my distance so that she can. I just am so scared it will take us forever or we won't even get pregnant again.
I just want to get this cycle over with so that I can start to track the best time to get pregnant again. I want my son to have a sibling. I want him to love and have a forever friend that sleeps right down the hall from him.
Since our loss, every milestone my son reaches makes me sad because I am watching him leave being a baby and turn into a little toddler. The whole mortality of that just brings it all back. I really thought I would be able to move on. But the holidays really had me feeling our loss, as I had to hide that baby's stocking and have an empty hook next to my sons.

jlnauvil

I know how you feel about your SIL. It's so hard. My MIL constantly brings it up to my that she is having another grand baby this summer. Ugh. I know they deserve to have this happy time but I just wish that they would just be silent to me about it.

MissPrint1219

I have to keep reminding myself that people don't mean to be insensitive. I was out shopping with my MIL right after Thanksgiving, and as we passed by the toy department, she just randomly comes out with, "If I had a grandbaby to buy for I could just go to town." This, 3 months after my last mc. Granted, she didn't know about the most recent loss, but she did know about the one 8 mos ago. It was all I could do to bite my tongue and walk away.

FireInWonderland

@MissPrint1219 - I know what you mean. I've actually come out and asked my MIL several times to stop bringing up baby stuff. We just opened her Christmas gifts today, they came late through the mail. Baby's first book - a book for the 9 months of pregnancy - with a note that says "This was SUPPOSED to be for my grand baby, hopefully we will get one soon. Get to the trying!" My husband shredded and threw the note away immediately, and then was on the phone in tears with his mother for half an hour about how insensitive she was and she just flat out didn't want to hear it. At least with other people they're kind and quiet about the loss. But this is why we didn't want to (and actually didn't) go home for the holidays.

strickland8052

@FireInWonderland - OMG! That is absolutely horrible! You are completely justified for not going home for the holidays. In fact, I'm not sure I would ever see her again after that.

ceclarlinetlo

@FireInWonderland I just can't even. There are no words in the English language to even begin. I am so sorry she did that to you two.

chloe97

@FireInWonderland Wow. I am absolutely shocked. She probably doesn't understand that by acting like this now, she is going to be less likely to see her grandchildren when they do arrive.  

My ILs are building their dream house and have been telling us since before we were married the features that they were installing for their grandchildren (H's only other sibling has vowed never to have children, so their grandchildren will only come from us). Before we started trying, I was only slightly annoyed and we got pregnant right away, so it wasn't a big deal. They quieted down a bit after the MC, but just started back up at Christmas asking about when we were going to try again, asking if our new car will fit car seats, etc. This is why I am avoiding them until we are pregnant again.      

cjs260

@FireInWonderland Seriously!? How ridiculous of her. That is absolutely atrocious and I am so sorry that happened. Ugh.

DH and I are finally on the road back home, so I finally feel safe again. I made it through with what I feel was minimal upsets. One party with two pregnant women and several infants, one episode of DH's grandfather referencing "when you thought you were pregnant" (excuse me but I WAS pregnant) and an episode in a small restaurant where I kidd you not were six pregnant women all within my line of sight. I went to the bathroom to get a good cry out so I could put on my happy face and finish my meal. I walked out of the stall to see this woman who had to be extremely close to her due date just smiling from ear to ear directly at me. I'm scared to know what type of moan came out of my mouth before I erupted in tears but I was able to escape. Thankfully DH had boxed up the rest of my food and had it waiting right at the door so we could leave.

This time of year is my absolute favorite, but this year I've just been going through the motions. I'm trying to get into the mindset of new year, new start but we'll see. Hopefully we'll all have a better 2016.

MissPrint1219

@FireInWonderland - Wow. Just WOW. It's one thing to be oblivious, but that's a whole new level of insensitive.

FireInWonderland

@strickland8052 she's in her early seventies and uses her age to excuse her behavior, but I'm currently not speaking with her. My husband says she's called to apologize several times, but, I'm done. I've heard the voicemails, and she doesn't take responsibility for her actions, she's just sorry I'm upset. Well I'm sorry she's insensitive. I will eventually get past it, because usually she's nice, but it will take time.

@ceclarlinetlo thanks. Hopefully she realizes what she did and it doesn't happen again.

@chloe97 I don't think she realizes how bad what she said is. Guess we will find out if a baby comes. With your ILs, have you told them not to talk with you about it? At least with my own mother, they said similar things until I told them how it made me feel and they stopped. I hope your ILs get the hint soon!

@cjs260 Like I said earlier, hopefully she realizes how bad her actions were and it doesn't happen again. As for the grandfather from your holidays, that was messed up and uncalled for. I can't imagine that kind of comment on top of all the pregnant women/infant sightings. Glad you're on your way home, and like I said in the other thread, here's hoping for a beautiful and healthy baby for you in 2016!!!

@MissPrint1219 I'm pretty sure she is oblivious. Otherwise, she would understand why her words were hurtful. Oh well, her loss if/when the grandbaby comes.

dpjennifer

@FireInWonderland I cannot believe your MIL!  That is beyond mean!

Thankfully my parents and MIL/FIL have been supportive of us and haven't brought up the subject, so that made the holidays not too bad.  However, I've found that lately I've been really upset and bitter a lot.  The holidays and everyone posting pictures about their babies and kids and people announcing just makes me feel like a bitter horrible person inside.  Hoping that this passes as we move into January and I can get back to my happy self!

ceclarlinetlo

@dpjennifer my advice for dealing with the bitterness is that when it first bubbles up acknowledge that it's there and just let yourself feel it. Don't try to ignore it or force it away. Don't feel guilty or bad for feeling that way - it's a natural reaction to the grief you've experienced - After the worst of the sting passes then you can think through what triggered it and talk yourself out of it and you'll know that you are not a bitter person - you are just grieving. Overtime you'll have less occurrences. This is what helped me through both of my losses. Its been a year since my first and 6 months since my second - out of no where I still have a surprisingly strong reaction to announcements or births every now and then, but the bitterness leaves much quicker than it did at first.

valleric

I made it through better than expected. I should be holding a 6 week old baby in my arms and instead I am left with an empty hole of sadness. Thankfully my close family all know about my mc in April and how it took a year of trying for that, so no one asked on Xmas. I just try not to think about where my baby should be now. It's too hard. All I do is hope and pray that I am blessed with a healthy baby in 2016.

FireInWonderland

@dpjennifer I agree with @ceclarlinetlo - if you're feeling that way then you need to let it all in. It took me a while to do the same but once I did I had so much less anger and bitterness and was able to feel the grief instead. That helped me to start moving forward again. I hope you can start moving forward again soon, and that the bitterness fades quickly.

As for my MIL, we will not be involving her in the future until later on in the process.

dpjennifer

ceclarlinetlo  and @FireInWonderland , thank you ladies!  I'm glad I'm not the only one who's felt these things!  I just sometimes feel so bad about feeling that negative at times!  But working through things like this is a process...    

FireInWonderland

@dpjennifer it is a process! I hope it goes by quickly for you and before you know it you've got a BFP and a healthy & happy 9 months ahead! In the meantime, you've got us to rant to and look to for support!