Just a dump to get it out of my head. It's such a strange mix of feelings. I'm ashamed, embarrassed, sad and a little bit empty. The thought of having to tell everyone is exhausting, and I'm dreading how quickly I'll inevitably have to get back to normal. I have this urgency to get pregnant again, to restore what I already had going, but I know that's not ideal for me right now.
I get this knot in my stomach when I think of the other women I know enjoying the easy pregnancy I thought I'd have. I feel stupid for thinking this would be easy. I feel a bit broken, like this proves there is clearly something wrong with me and my first baby was a miracle, even though we didn't know it at the time. I worry that I will miscarry again and that will be it. I don't think I could go through it a 4th time, but I really don't want to be in that position.
I feel stupid. And then I feel stupid for feeling stupid. I know intellectually that none of these feelings or fears are based on anything. I know that this wasn't my fault. But somehow I can't believe that enough to make myself feel better. I hate that there was nothing I could do to have ended up in a different spot than I'm in now. I hate that the only thing I can do is accept it, because it is what it is and nothing I do can make me 11 weeks pregnant again right now.
I apologize for the dump, sometimes it's just helpful to write it all down so that it stops spinning around my head. I am sorry that you all are in this same position, but I am very grateful to have a place to go for advice and to know I'm not alone in this.