How to support a Coworker/friend in a early Loss?

Smashbox29

My coworker just found out she lost her pregnancy. She didnt yet know exactly how far along she was but she and her family are devistated. My feels are all over for her because I have been struggling myself on TTC so I was excited to hear all her experiences.

I however haven't dealt with anyone close to me losing a pregnancy and I do not want to sound inconsiderate at all to her in the future. Especially since I am TTC myself.

What is appropiate to say? How can I support her in this time of need?  I obviously know to give her space until she is ready and to have a good listening ear too.

If I am to find out in the future I am pregnant should I tell her first, as a respect thing?

Raincity

I just experienced an early loss and here are my thoughts. Be upfront about it, acknowledge it and allow her to talk about it. I had a few very well meaning friends who found out and then immediately tried to 'distract me' with cheerful funny things. The truth is, nothing was going to distract me.

A friend sent me a care package with tea, a nice mug, and new socks, and ginger chews: it was a beautiful gesture and it helped! Another friend walked me to a gift shop and I bought a tin of colored pencils and an adult coloring book. The more I colored in that admittedly sort of stupid book, it was like visible evidence that time was passing. That was helpful!

If she's interested in the 'science' of it, I'd encourage her to talk with a friend, you, a doctor, therapist, etc about how COMMON miscarriages are and how one miscarriage does not mean it's going to absolutely happen again!! Saying MC are common is not to dismiss her pain, it's to reassure her. 

Tell her about some podcasts that deal with miscarriage. If you do a search for the word miscarriage in apple podcasts, you'll come up with some great ones and they're very informative and therapeutic.

Honestly, just showing up and saying, "Thank you for telling me about what you're going through, let's talk about it, or intentionally not talk about it, whatever you wnat, I'm here!" is good enough. But if you'd like to go even further, you could buy her a small charm or bead or jewel and say, "I got this as a token, perhaps you can think of it, or carry it in your pocket until you don't need to any more, but this is to remember your pregnancy." 

Smashbox29

Thank you for your advice I appreciate it. You gave me great ideas!

I am also truly sorry for your loss and wish you and your family the very best

letyourheartbeyourguide

I'll just mention a few things that I hated hearing: "everything happens for a reason", "at least you know you can get pregnant", "just relax", or "I understand" (when said by someone who's never had a loss).

Listen. Say you're sorry for her loss. Let her know how much you care about her. PP gave some good advice as well.

Also it's really nice of you to think about your friend and how to best support her. Loss is upsetting and isolating and confusing, but having supportive friends helps lessen the weight a little bit.

Also @Raincity - I'm sorry for your loss. An adult coloring book and pretty colored pencils was basically what got me through the fog of loss this summer.

MRSCORKER

I recently suffered a very early loss/CP. I really needed people to acknowlege that I lost something. I've had a lot of people try to down play the experience as "not a big deal" because it was so early. I don't know how far along your friend was but coming from my experience, I really needed reassurance that what I went through was a loss and that it was ok to grieve. I agree with PP and love her ideas. Just acknowledging her experience as traumatic and letting her know you are there in whatever capacity she needs you to be is probably the best thing you can do for her. 

AL_TwinCities

******ticker warning*********

Tell her you are thinking of her and are here for her and if she ever wants to talk, you will be there to listen. I love the idea of a care package: tea, bath salts, etc. My family and friends didn't know what to say when I went through my loss but months later when I'd hear that they were thinking of me, that was so helpful. I don't think hearing how common MCs are would have been helpful - it wouldn't have made me feel any better.

penelope4612

I agree, it's so important to feel like someone is acknowledging that it happened.  Just saying "I'm sorry for your loss" and checking in later with "how are you doing?" makes it feel like someone out there knows it was a big deal and it hurts.  It also gives her the chance to open up if she's wanting to talk, but is noninvasive enough that she can just say she's fine if she doesn't want to talk.

Also agree with PPs, a lot of comments that people think are comforting are really not.  This includes:

-Everything happens for a reason

-God will give you a baby when it's time (or anything else along these lines)

-Just try to relax

-At least you know you can get pregnant

For a more comprehensive list of things NOT to say, please feel free to check out the thread on the worst thing someone said to you after your loss on the Miscarriage forum: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12582557/what-was-the-worst-thing-someone-said-to-you-after-miscarriage#latest

MNturnsVA

I have experienced loss but it was long ago & I was not in the best place in my life for a pregnancy to have happened. I dealt with that but am currently going through the struggles of bring 35 & TTC. It's been much more of an emotional roller coaster than I cede expected it to be. In a conversation with a friend about my situation she was very upfront & said she didn't know what to say. And I totally appreciated that much more than "don't stress about it" or "relax, it will happen". I think the PP have given awesome advice & ways for you to be supportive but if you find yourself struggling with any of those, just taking her to lunch one day & giving her the chance to just talk & you listen may be what she needs. Her favorite chocolate? Going to a yoga class with her? Gifting her a massage? I like all the other suggestions too though. Maybe fitness is something you both want to focus on so you can start with a daily walk on your lunch break together. Im sure she wants to hide from the world & wallow in her sorrows & she definitely needs to do some of that. But having a good support system to pick her back up, is key too. Very thoughtful of you. When it comes to be your time to announce a BFP, depending on how much time has passed, I'd probably just ask her up front (depending of course on when it happens for you). If you got a BFP next week, I'd prob hold off on telling her for a few weeks but I'd tell her in person & make sure she's one of the first in your office to hear the news from you directly.

MNturnsVA

@letyourheartbeyourguide-   I've been seeing a few things about the coloring books......I've been debating about going to get one for myself.  you really thought it was helpful?

penelope4612

@MNturnsVA - I got an adult coloring book around the time of my loss.  It gave me something to do when I didn't really feel like doing anything else, because I was too sad/numb, didn't want to think about the loss, and couldn't focus on reading, TV, the Bump, etc.  

MNturnsVA

@penelope4612-   thanks for your thoughts on this.  I had a pretty rough night last week and it affected my whole night.  I was pretty emotional over the weekend but I got  though. it.  Working  out is something that really helps me with stress relief but I'm doing some physical therapy right now and I haven't been able to work out the way I want too so I haven't been working out.  IF its not what I WANT to do, I'm not overly motivated to do it......plus committing so much time to the physical therapy doesn't leave much time for the gym anyways.  I'm hoping that will change soon.  I don't want to be in a crazy funk over the holidays and AF showed this AM so I'm hoping that will help with some of my emotions, however I have a feeling I'll have a few moments here and there.  I've been talking to DH about acupuncture too but I'm afraid of how much that is going to cost so I was looking for an alternative.  

MRSCORKER

@MNturnsVA I'm going to acupuncture for the first time today. I also assumed it was too expensive but I did a little digging online and found a great place near me that starts at $25. I don't know where you live obviously but Google saved the day for me!

MNturnsVA

@MRSCORKER- really?!?!   that's freaking awesome!!!!  keep me posted!! I want to know more....i'll have to keep looking

letyourheartbeyourguide

MNturnsVA said:

@letyourheartbeyourguide-   I've been seeing a few things about the coloring books......I've been debating about going to get one for myself.  you really thought it was helpful?

I felt similarly to what @penelope4612 described. It was mindless enough when I felt like I couldn't think straight or focus on anything. I really like Johanna Basford's books (I bought Enchanted Forest about a week after my loss, and my SO bought me Lost Ocean recently). They're very detailed, which helps because they require just enough focus/attention that I can't constantly think about other things. 

MNturnsVA

@letyourheartbeyourguide-  thanks for the suggestion.  I had just read that on a website this AM- they require just enough focus to forget about other things.  Before I jump on the acupuncture boat, I figured I'd see what people thought of these coloring books first and after they were mentioned I'd try to get a little more info.

skiingstark

Honestly nothing anyone said to me felt right, what I loved the best was when people would just bring/buy my alcohol or sweets. Those are the only thing that really helped comfort me otther than my DH. 
 

Tippy05

I had a co-worker just hug me and say "I'm sorry.  This is so sad, and it sucks".  That was perfect.  

There was no "let me know if you need anything" or "wanna hear something funny instead" or any other BS.  I just needed time and space and someone who understood that.  I know people mean well, but don't feel obligated to say anything at all.  There have been a lot of good ideas/suggestions already, just throwing my two cents in.

0SeaMonkey0

Thanks for posting this. It's been helpful. A good friend from high school lost a baby in August at just over 20 weeks. He was due in December. We've gone through the initial grieving phase, not wanting to talk, ten wanting to talk about it a lot etc. She has a lot of good support and has joined the Empty Arms Society which I think has been really good for her. Now that we're in December though, I know that it is going to open the wound fresh and she's going to need a lot of love to get past the due date. It's really good to learn from others who have gone through it too.

laurenlalap

For my I didn't like when people approached me in person at work, especially people I didn't tell about it myself. I didn't like having to talk about it when people walked into my office to offer their condolences. A few people sent me really heartfelt emails and I liked that. I could read them in private, cry in private and respond when I felt up to it.

monkeygirl32

If one more person told me that this was God's will or it was just meant to be, I was going to throat punch them.  Especially because in my town I see 7 out of 10 babies born addicted to drugs.  What was best for me was my friend just pretty much allowing me to cry in her arms one day I had a bad day.  She didn't hover but also kind of hovered by checking in on me every day.  Offering do to whatever I needed.  And although I didn't need anything in particular, just knowing that I had someone who had my back made me feel so much better.

Everybody's grieving time is different.  It took me about 2-3 weeks.  Her just being there for me meant the world.

FiancB

As someone that's going through it, last night it kind of struck me last night that I kind of really wish someone would bring us dinner or something. I really don't feel like cooking so that would be really nice. I think most people are trying to give us space but that's kind of hurtful and awkward. I wouldn't dream of asking someone to do something for me but it would be nice if someone showed up on my doorstep with a lasagna or something. As silly as that sounds. 

I think the big thing is to offer to listen and don't say anything stupid as mentioned above. Just listen and encourage her to keep talking, or just be quiet and watch a movie together or something. 

My friend is TTC as well and I'm preparing for the possibility that she will tell me that she is pregnant soon. She doesn't know I'm miscarrying yet. This is just me but I still hope to hear that she is pregnant and will still be excited for her, but yes a little sad too. I'd be more hurt by her hiding it from me.