Pregnant after a Loss

How to respond to (probably) well meaning moms?

I feel like lately at least a handful of women who have recently had kids (but have never lost a pregnancy) have taken some kind of perverse pleasure out of trying to corner me and tell me about how terrible the third trimester/labor/having a newborn is going to be. I had a loss back in June after trying for a long time, no kids of my own, and am currently 15 weeks and cautiously optimistic.

I feel like telling them that no matter what happens I'm sure it's better than having a miscarriage, but that seems maybe overly hostile? It just feels like for some reason they are trying to lord over my how naive I am when right now all I want in the world is a healthy pregnancy/delivery/baby. Have you guys encountered this? How do you deal with it?

Re: How to respond to (probably) well meaning moms?

  • PlainJane8350PlainJane8350 member
    edited November 2015
    I would tell them that any time it gets hard, you'll just remind yourself how lucky you are to have your L.O. because not every pregnancy eends with a baby in your arms. I'd say it nicely, of course, but it's true. Who knows, may be they'll be more grateful.

    I had my rainbow baby in September and, let me tell you, I didn't find the 3rd trimester bad at all. May be because I've had a loss and the further along I got the less I worried, which they obviously can't appreciate.

    Labor was a breeze, I would do it again right now..with an epidural.

    And the first couple of weeks you're getting to know your baby, but you'll feel grateful and blessed. If you can not only handle a loss, but the New found anxiety and fear of trying again after that loss, a little crying won't scare you.
  • Not harsh at all. It's the truth. Maybe next time they will pause before they speak.
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  • Maybe I'm just really jaded after 3 losses but I'd have no problem saying it has to be better than a miscarriage. And, for what it's worth, it is. I'd be in labor over and over again if it meant I never had to go through another loss. And as far as being naive goes I feel like maybe they're the ones who are a little more naive. I'd say what you want to say just to maybe make them stop and think about how lucky they are to never have lost a baby.
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • Do they know you have had a miscarriage? I do have a friend who likes to tell me how awful being heavily pregnant will be for me. But she's just inconsiderate all around. Hell, I've had doctors tell me how awful it will be for me. However, nobody compares it to a loss and I don't even see the connection. I've heard other people say that they would never ever complain about any pregnancy related stuff, after their losses, bc they would be so grateful. I've long said that I get to be like anybody else, despite my history.

    Maybe they just see you as being pregnant and want to indoctrinate you into how they perceive their pregnancy, labor and early parenting is. You're in the club now. That being said, if you don't appreciate that talk, just let them know. A friend will understand. I think being PGAL is very different than never having experienced a loss. I was on a board where there were multiple women who had 3 healthy children, no losses, and were complaining about fearing a MC. I left that discussion!
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!




    BabyGaga
  • I get this a lot too, I just brush it off.  I came home from a friends house and realized I don't like being around new moms or people who are more pregnant than me because seriously all you get it just wait for this, and just wait for that.  I honestly don't care what havoc this kid gets into as long as I get to take them home, so kick away baby momma doesn't mind.

    I agree if I got to my breaking point I would definitely play the "miscarriage card".  I usually tell people I'm grateful for every movement, or I'm grateful for morning sickness because it helps me to know things are okay.
    BFP 2/11/15 (EDD 10/13/15). MMC 3/30/15 D&C 4/3/15 "We will always love you"
    DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16).  "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
    DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18).  "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
    BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21).  "Round 3 FIGHT!"
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