Just needed to let it out - bad day post miscarriage and feeling stupid for taking a test.

diane2218

I will keep this as short as possible.  I'm furious at myself right now for letting anxiety and obsession sneak back in my mind.  I had been doing ok for many days...and now I feel like I just miscarried all over again.

Recently a family member got all excited about an upcoming family Christmas party - for my husband's side of the family.  This party and the summer picnic with the same group, I love seeing everyone...except my husband's one uncle.  The only thing he has ever..EVER said to me are comments like "Pregnant yet?"  "When you are two....you know....*inappropriate gesture and smile*" or my personal favorite, screaming my name at a wedding dinner across the table and making a silhouette of a pregnant woman's stomach on his stomach - "Any news????"  And he NEVER bothers anyone else, like the girls that he's actually RELATED to!  Ugh.  Creepy and rude and just...ugh.

Stab. My. Eyes. With. A. Fork.

I deal with this each year, twice a year, and it's draining.  I've tried the snarky response, I've tried ignoring, yeah doesn't work.  He makes sure his point is heard.  It was already annoying enough before we were TTC and my husband knows this, but feels somewhat helpless to prevent it.  My husband tries to step in but said he just can't tihnk what to say fast enough, which unfortunately has caused some frustration between us.  This is honestly the only thing we have ever argued about.  My mother in law even approached the guy (her brother) once and flat out told him it makes us uncomfortable and to stop.  That just made him think he's even funnier and provoke him more.

The party was brought up for this year.  I miscarried three weeks ago from a first pregnancy.  I cannot handle the comments....not this year.  I will hit someone or scream or say something I regret.  Or I'll shut down emotionally.  Since hearing about it on Saturday, I have been a wreck.  The progress I made emotionally is gone, and I'm back to square one.   I just wanted to move on, remember this time in my life, remember this child, but move forward.  All I have now is debilitating anxiety about this party that's a month away because of this one jerk.  And anxiety about everything else has returned.  Will I ever get pregnant again?  What's wrong with me?  Did we wait too long to start? (I'm only 30!)  The simple answer is to not go to the party, but my husband is the only one of his siblings in town, and it's kind of necessary for us to go for his mom.  He wants us to avoid it, but I don't want to look like the bad guy or some drama queen that can't handle going.  This year though, I may say screw it.

I haven't had pregnancy symptoms since ovulation, but I'm just about 4-5 days past ovulation.  We didn't actively try so soon after my bleeding ended, but we didn't prevent anything.  I guess I hoped that we had a little miracle coming and deserved a rainbow this month.

I have told myself that I just wouldn't take a test this month. If my period showed up, there would be my answer.  If it didn't and I noticed symptoms maybe at Week 6 or so, I would take it then.  Honestly, I wanted to find out after when I miscarried if that was possible, just to know I made it past that day.  Keep my lifestyle assuming I was pregnant - prenatal and all.

My anxiety paralyzed me a few moments ago and I took a pregnancy test.  Dammit why did I do that.  I knew it was too early and thought I was prepared for a negative regardless.  It was negative...and I just broke down.   I feel like my whole life is going through motions, waiting for days to come and go, waiting for weeks to end.  If not this month, waiting for a period and then to ovulate and test again feels too far away to bear.  And what if that is another miscarriage?  That's irrational, and I know it's irrational, but as I said - my "better place" and rational thinking all went out the window the last few days.

Those of you who have gone through multiple miscarriages and keep trying...you are seriously the bravest people I can imagine.  

If you are still reading this, thank you for letting me vent and cry and get out how I feel.  If anyone has felt this way and has words of wisdom, they would be much appreciated.  How have you dealt with insensitive comments post miscarriage?  I am back in that low place that I thought I had climbed out of.  How do  I go forward when I feel that people keep sabatoging me wanting to move on with life?

lawbebe1176

Ugh! You poor thing. First and foremost, I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Miscarrying is so hard, and brings unexplainable grief. I miscarried my first pregnancy in March of this year, and I felt pain like I had never imagined. But I waited a full three cycles like my doctor told me to, and got pregnant again in July. So far, everything is going pretty well and I'm about halfway through my pregnancy.

I think the important thing to remember is that miscarriage is so common, but so rarely talked about, so when it happens during your first pregnancy you just don't know what to do and you're so afraid it's going to happen again--it very likely won't. Give your body and your mind some time to rest and heal itself before you start trying again. I was so de seperate to start after I got my first period, but I listened to so many women and my doctor that told me that sometimes it's just too soon. The waiting was torture but I'm honestly so happy I did it--who knows what would have happened if I was still THAT anxious or my uterine lining hadn't built up? Long story short--your BFN today might have been a blessing in disguise. Nothing can take away your hurt right now but I promise, a little time will make everything better.

And if I were you, I would stay away from that uncle person for as long as possible! What a horror. Feel free to skip the party or to refuse to go unless DH has a real heart-to-heart with him about how inappropriate he's being. Big hugs and best wishes ❤️

valleric

If I were you, I wouldn't go. You need to take care of yourself first. After my mc in April, I have not been to any get togethers on my husbands side, since they don't know. Can't go through the questions. I don't care what hey think. I'm just trying to focus on myself and my husband and what's best for us. Good luck!

queenklau

I agree, this is your time. You don't owe anyone anything, except yourself. Rest, relax and do things that matter and make you happy.
I have been doing things for myself, getting massages, spa, relaxing at home when I am not at work and spending time with DH (just us 2). These things don't necessarily make me feel better, but they don't make me feel worse. I would not change them for other engagements that stress or annoy me.

silentP

I would also skip, if possible. Things are too raw right now. Sometimes I feel like I am fine, and then something annoys me or makes me mad, and I just get ragey and know that I might regret saying something, so I try and just head back home to deal.

Also, please don't feel stupid for taking a test. It's understandable to be anxious to get started again. Try and hang in there and I hope you have your rainbow baby soon.

firewaterx

I'm so sorry you are going through this . It's so incredibly hard. I went to a family get together and my husbands great aunt said she hopes we have a baby before she dies. I wanted to die then instead ! Maybe it's best to avoid going until you are ready .

tinypikachu

I agree with PPs, I would not go and I would make myself not care what others think. Even if they don't know what's happening to you, you owe it to yourself to be there for yourself, this is something that has broken your heart and you need to care for yourself. I've had a bad relationship with my mom for years and she always pretends that everything is fine. When I lost the baby, I called her and told her and I have not talked to her since, even if she's called about 18 times. I would do the same if I hadn't told her.

This is your time to grieve and no one can interfere with that, even if they don't know. If anyone asks, just say you're not feeling well and need to stay home.

And that uncle, ughhh... You are a much better person than me because I would have either stopped going years ago or told him off in front of everyone. There is no reason in the world as to why you should subject yourself to that. We say this to everyone here but we actually mean it: be kind to yourself, it's the most important thing you can do right now.

mrsmommya

I am dreading this feeling at my husbands family Thanksgiving.  Of course all of his cousins and such all have loads of children by different men....just to make matters worse.  And if someone says one thing about future children...I am out!  I have really had no will power this cycle either.  This is our 2nd cycle post mc, but 1st cycle trying.  I haven't made it to where I should be testing but have peed on a ton of ovulation strips!!

babymama03252016

@diane2218
I am so sorry, I can relate as to taking a pregnancy test. I did that yesterday because I had feelings maybe I was I had some similar symptoms with my body as I did when I first got pregnant. But the test said negative as I felt it would, but I couldn't not take it. I knew it would upset me but I wanted to take it because the excitement of it actually saying positive would be the most exciting news and it would make me so happy. More than words can describe. You are not alone, take all the time you need and want to heal and grieve thru this hard time. Do what you feel is right, and don't beat yourself up about it. We are all here for you. Prayers for you that you heal and find comfort soon and also to have your rainbow baby so soon in the future. Hugs to you sweet girl.

diane2218

babymama03252016 said:

@diane2218 I am so sorry, I can relate as to taking a pregnancy test. I did that yesterday because I had feelings maybe I was I had some similar symptoms with my body as I did when I first got pregnant. But the test said negative as I felt it would, but I couldn't not take it. I knew it would upset me but I wanted to take it because the excitement of it actually saying positive would be the most exciting news and it would make me so happy. More than words can describe. You are not alone, take all the time you need and want to heal and grieve thru this hard time. Do what you feel is right, and don't beat yourself up about it. We are all here for you. Prayers for you that you heal and find comfort soon and also to have your rainbow baby so soon in the future. Hugs to you sweet girl.

Thank you all so much for these replies and kind words. Babymama03252016 - you said it perfectly - if that test would have been positive, it would be such a happy moment after all of this heartache. It's reassuring to know others have given in to the "but what if..." Testing moment. You are all wonderful women - thank you.

SharonB222

I TOTALLY did that. I had just miscarried twice and was with my sister at her prenatal appt (our 1st pgs had had the same EDD but hers was progressing normally while I was already praying for a 3rd(!) pg and hoping it would stick). The appt was at her midwife's and I took a break in the bathroom and there was a pg test, and I prayed and prayed and BFN. I was just numb. My sister yelled at me later; I couldn't explain. Tough stuff.