This is my umpteenth attempt at an intro; most times I couldn't bring myself to really write anything down. I started to once and couldn't finish. Last attempt was last night and the website was having issues so it didn't post.
Here's my story, it's a bit long but so is everyone else's, right?
I was on the TTGP board while DH and I tried for a LO. We were so lucky and got pregnant on the second month of trying. I got my BFP on October 17th and moved over to the July 2016 BMB, I was so happy and prepared a surprise so I could give it to DH and record his reaction; it was priceless. We were both over the moon. We called my dad and he cried because he was so happy. We surprised our immediate family that night and proceeded to prepare to have a baby. It was a little early but we went to Babies R Us just so we could dream about how we would welcome baby and what we would need down the road and just talked endlessly about the prospect of making a registry and picking out tiny clothes.
I found out I was pregnant at 3w1d and at 5w3d I found out that I was miscarrying. I started spotting a couple of days before and knew that my HCG wasn't doubling so our doctor had prepared us for the worst. We got the confirmation when they told us my HCG started to drop.
The pain we both feel is indescribable. You always think that once you get that BFP, it's all happiness and it's just a matter of time before baby comes. You never think you're going to be the one to have a miscarriage. This is such a life-changing event and it just never goes away. I only found out two days ago and I can't imagine how my life will move forward after this. I feel guilty even though I know it's not my fault; I try to shift my focus but there are triggers everywhere and I end up breaking down. I can't imagine the day when my baby isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up or the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.
Right now, I am still bleeding and I'm pretty sure the sac hasn't passed. Our last ultrasound was Monday, the day we got the confirmation, and I'm going on Friday for Cytotec. Even though we already have a plan, I'm just not sure about any of the choices; I'm afraid going with the natural process might end up in an infection, I don't feel right doing a D&C (ETA: it doesn't feel right because I feel that I'm already bleeding so maybe the process will happen quickly naturally and it's not necessary) and the Cytotec is just scary to me, especially since I can't take pain medications due to liver issues. This has been a hard choice, you never plan on how you're going to have your baby removed... But I think our choice is a good one for us...
Thank you for reading this and I hope we can be a source of comfort for each other. I am so sorry we have to meet under these circumstances, this is a club none of us wanted to be a part of. I am sorry for each of your losses and I pray we will get to have beautiful rainbow babies soon.
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