My Intro - Devastated to be here — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

My Intro - Devastated to be here

tinypikachutinypikachu
1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
member
edited November 2015 in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Hi all,

This is my umpteenth attempt at an intro; most times I couldn't bring myself to really write anything down. I started to once and couldn't finish. Last attempt was last night and the website was having issues so it didn't post.

Here's my story, it's a bit long but so is everyone else's, right?

I was on the TTGP board while DH and I tried for a LO. We were so lucky and got pregnant on the second month of trying. I got my BFP on October 17th and moved over to the July 2016 BMB, I was so happy and prepared a surprise so I could give it to DH and record his reaction; it was priceless. We were both over the moon. We called my dad and he cried because he was so happy. We surprised our immediate family that night and proceeded to prepare to have a baby. It was a little early but we went to Babies R Us just so we could dream about how we would welcome baby and what we would need down the road and just talked endlessly about the prospect of making a registry and picking out tiny clothes.

I found out I was pregnant at 3w1d and at 5w3d I found out that I was miscarrying. I started spotting a couple of days before and knew that my HCG wasn't doubling so our doctor had prepared us for the worst. We got the confirmation when they told us my HCG started to drop. 

The pain we both feel is indescribable. You always think that once you get that BFP, it's all happiness and it's just a matter of time before baby comes. You never think you're going to be the one to have a miscarriage. This is such a life-changing event and it just never goes away. I only found out two days ago and I can't imagine how my life will move forward after this. I feel guilty even though I know it's not my fault; I try to shift my focus but there are triggers everywhere and I end up breaking down. I can't imagine the day when my baby isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up or the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. 

Right now, I am still bleeding and I'm pretty sure the sac hasn't passed. Our last ultrasound was Monday, the day we got the confirmation, and I'm going on Friday for Cytotec. Even though we already have a plan, I'm just not sure about any of the choices; I'm afraid going with the natural process might end up in an infection, I don't feel right doing a D&C (ETA: it doesn't feel right because I feel that I'm already bleeding so maybe the process will happen quickly naturally and it's not necessary) and the Cytotec is just scary to me, especially since I can't take pain medications due to liver issues. This has been a hard choice, you never plan on how you're going to have your baby removed... But I think our choice is a good one for us...

Thank you for reading this and I hope we can be a source of comfort for each other. I am so sorry we have to meet under these circumstances, this is a club none of us wanted to be a part of. I am sorry for each of your losses and I pray we will get to have beautiful rainbow babies soon. 
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Re: My Intro - Devastated to be here

  • Sorry for your loss. I agree you never think about what you would do if you lose the baby. I just found out 2 days ago as well. I am still trying to decide what to do.
    _______________________________________________
    TTC#1 July 2015 
    • BFP: 9/16/15 — MC: 11/8/15 Blighted Ovum
    • BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
    TTC#2 April 2019 
    • BFP: 9/12/19 — EDD 5/15/20

  • I am so sorry!

    You will wake up one day and it won't be the first thing on your mind, at least the 2nd or 3rd!
    I had a mc in April and would be due 13 days from now. I think about it during the day and the what could have berms, but it does get easier to bear as time goes on.
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  • So sorry for your loss. Go easy on yourself.
  • So sorry for your loss. Hugs*

    I know exactly what you mean on it being baffling to be posting about a miscarriage. It feels so unnatural and just plain wrong. I too got pregnant quickly (first cycle trying) and miscarried at about 5 weeks. The emotional roller coaster is unbearable. Sending you healing thoughts as you go through the next few days
  • I am sorry for your loss. All of your emotions are expected for someone going through this horrible experience. It may seem like this sadness/hurt/guilt will never end, but like pp said, time heals. There is no way to speed it up and it is different for everyone, but I can tell you for sure that you will feel better.

    It sucks-I am 5 months post my first mmc and 3 days post my second d&c (2nd mmc), and I can tell you it is a roller coaster of emotions. I am taking it one day at a time. Yesterday, I went through the whole day at work and stayed distracted most of the day, didn't cry. I still cry everyday, but try to keep busy and find happiness in things (as difficult as it may be right now). I miss my babies everyday and I will never forget them, but in time I know I will heal. Be kind and take care of you and DH.
    ******TW******Siggy warning
    BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
    BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks; 
    BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016 

       Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • So sorry for your loss...I wish none of us knew what that's like.  I opted for the D&C...it was a tough choice for me but I think I made the right one.  My husband wanted me to do what I felt most comfortable doing.  Pretty much everyday I think about our baby and how things would be so different now if it wouldn't have happened...but I'm also feeling better everyday and you will too.  Best of luck!
  • I am so sorry we all have to experience this together. I am not spiritual in the true sense of religion, however, I believe there is a predetermined plan and that everything happens for a reason.

    I chose to have a d&c (today actually) because for myself I believe it will help me. I had a mmc in January and I was 5 weeks. this time I was over 10 and the experience naturally would be drastically different.

    from this experience I've learned that so many of my friends have gone through this themselves and they all have perfectly healthy children after it. good luck to you, and hopefully we will end up in the same bmb soon!
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