Husband not helping at night — The Bump
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Husband not helping at night

Ladies - I hope some of you can relate. So I am on maternity leave for 12 weeks and my husband went back to work basically instantly. We are struggling with baby falling back asleep after his midnight or so feeding. Currently I am pumping bc he doesn't have the latch down pat just yet so we nurse in the mornings only. Therefore I have pumped bottles and also we are doing 1 formula bottle. It's the weekend, and my husband is still sound asleep - he fed the baby just by chance but once baby lays down and then cries he gets very agitated and says to just let the baby lay on his chest. First off, I don't want the baby in the bed or getting used to that bc my husband is a very deep sleeper and I know he would fall asleep plus baby does great with his crib for naps and falling asleep around 9. How can I get my husband involved but not make him feel like I'm controlling the situation and also help him to understand that even though I'm not at work during the day, I will be, and I would appreciate some help and also need baby to be soothed by either one of us. It's 3am and I've yet to go to sleep this evening... Hopefully someone can relate!

Re: Husband not helping at night

  • Sorry you are going through this and I can definitely relate. There was a thread about this earlier this week and I think the consensus was that men just don't have the natural instinct for this stuff which makes night time responsibilities harder for them. For me, I just handle the nighttime stuff and ask for more help during the day. That said, if it makes you resentful that he doesn't help at night, you need to talk openly with H about it. Lay out what you need and find a solution that works for you both.

    I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but if you have a specific way you want things done, you should probably just do it yourself. I don't think it is fair or good for your relationship to expect his help and then expect he will stick to your way 100%. I know it is hard, but you have to let go a little if you are spreading the responsibility.
    Married DH 08.28.10
    Pregnancy #1: BFP 04.10.11 EDD 12.23.11 DD1 Born 12.4.11
     Pregnancy #2: BFP 5.12.14 MC 5.20.14 @ 5wk4d
    Pregnancy #3: BFP 11.1.14 EDD 7.5.15 MC 11.13.14 @ 6wk4d
    Pregnancy #4: BFP 1.31.15 EDD 10.5.15 DD2 Born 9.23.15
  • I agree with pp. If you want it a certain way be open about it. I also take care of all night time and just ask for him to give me a break during the day so I can nap or have me time. He's not a morning person and I would hate dealing with him sleep deprived. I don't feel the effects of lack of sleep until mid afternoon. I would talk to H about what kind of helping with responsibilities schedule and decide who will take care of what and when. :)
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  • I can relate and the whole take turns thing doesn't work for me bc my fiancé works 2 jobs from 8am-12am everyday but Wednesday and Thursday night. Basically I'm by myself 24-7 and when he is home he wants to sleep. I get so frustrated as well bc I get that he works and needs rest but being a FT mom is a job as well.
  • BigboobsmcgeeBigboobsmcgee
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers First Anniversary
    edited November 2015

    I have 2 kids and DH has never, and I mean never done anything in the MOTN with either of them. But that was my doing. I do it better and quicker so I'd rather just do it myself. I also believe that while moms are on maternity leave and husband's are working, WE should be the ones getting up with the babies in the night. That's just the way it goes.

    If you are feeling resentful then talk to him. He's your husband. Be honest with him about how you're feeling because even if it seems obvious to you, I bet you he is clueless.

    ETA: what you are feeling about your husband not helping is totally normal. I am the only mom in my group of friends that doesn't expect their husband's to help at night. Most women I know take turns in the MOTN with their husband's so if that's what you want then let him know :)



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