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December 2015 Moms
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SAHM judgment

lalg28lalg28 member
in December 2015 Moms
Does anyone feel judged for saying they're staying home? I'm leaving work Friday at 32 weeks, permanently. I gave 3.5 months notice and trained a replacement. December is our busiest month, November second. So since we're not financially strapped and DH offered, I decided to leave early. I'm excited to prepare for baby and rest a little. But I often get asked, why are you leaving so early? Are you going back to work later? And I get the judgy "you have it way to easy staying home with a baby and at the end of pregnancy, I had to work" look. Anyone else feeling this?
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Re: SAHM judgment

  • Peanut1128Peanut1128 member
    No, I'm working right till the end and then returning after my leave. I have friends that left early and are stay at home moms and I know they heard some comments. I would just brush it off, you probably won't see or hear from these people again once your done work. Of course it's easier to stay home at the end and who wouldn't want that opportunity! Take care and enjoy your time.
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  • Mizuiro007Mizuiro007 member
    It wasn't really a choice for us but no, I haven't had any comments. For the most part the people I've talked to either genuinely think it's nice and are super encouraging, or else they're enlightened enough to know exactly how much work it is. It isn't a holiday, it isn't easy, and you'll be putting in more time and energy than if you were only going to work. It's also totally worth it. Don't let people get to you and definitely don't let them make you feel the least bit guilty.
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  • Ccat1977Ccat1977 member
    Agree that people will judge regardless if your choice. I too had the opposite problem - you must not care about your child because you went back to work. bunch of BS. You should do what feels best to you - forget what others think.
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  • acanfield18acanfield18 member
    I have been a SAHM since my first was born, 6 years ago. I was planning to go back next year when my little girl went to school, then found out I was pregnant again. I get comments all the time about how it must be so nice to not do anything all day or how lucky I am to be able to afford it. It gets on my nerves because I do alot all day and I love being home. Also, I don't stay home because we're swimming in money, we make sacrifices to have me home. I think people who can't stay home are jealous and try to make me feel bad for my life choices... I wonder how they would feel if I accused them of abandoning their kids for work?
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  • celainevcelainev member
    edited October 2015
    lalg28 said:

    Does anyone feel judged for saying they're staying home? I'm leaving work Friday at 32 weeks, permanently. I gave 3.5 months notice and trained a replacement. December is our busiest month, November second. So since we're not financially strapped and DH offered, I decided to leave early. I'm excited to prepare for baby and rest a little. But I often get asked, why are you leaving so early? Are you going back to work later? And I get the judgy "you have it way to easy staying home with a baby and at the end of pregnancy, I had to work" look. Anyone else feeling this?

    Today, I told my HR lady that I'm leaving next Thursday. That will be when I have 8 weeks left til my due date. She was all happy for me. Then the executive director found me today and basically started bragging about all the other pregnant girls at work who are only leaving 2 weeks before their due dates. I told him I've had a hard pregnancy, and he said "well you look like you're doing fine."

    I'm like, first off, they are receptionists and I'm the nurse. So our jobs are completely different. Plus I know for a fact that they both had "very easy" pregnancies (their words, not mine.)

    Secondly, where does he come off saying that??? It made me want to quit today. Completely unprofessional. I look fine?? I have had 6 months of extreme morning sickness, work has been extremely stressful so that I've been crying most nights, and I don't sleep at night. But I'm glad I "look fine."

    Anyways, yes, I did feel the judgement today.

    Edited to add that I'm from Canada and we get 52 weeks and it can start 8 weeks before your due date.
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  • kmkaull2kmkaull2 member

    No. I guess I just don't care. I taught special ed for 10 years before we adopted our son 6 years ago. I've been a SAHM for 4 years now and know it is the right decision for my family. It isn't always easy, and it takes work to be good at it, but I wouldn't trade my role for anything. 

    The older I get, the less I care what others think I guess.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker<Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker>
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  • mhwoodmhwood member
    I'm not saying that I was offended by this thread at all, I'm just sharing my experience about how people judge regardless of the situation.


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  • Bombmom3Bombmom3 member
    @mhwood I would like to add that most of the "you have it easy" comments I get are from people without children who work. Rarely has a working mom ever said anything like that to me. We all know the struggles, just different aspects of it. and I hope you didn't feel my response to your post was catty or negative.
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  • arz1215arz1215 member
    People will judge regardless.. It's not their business as to what you are doing and why. Circumstances vary from individual to individual, family to family. Yes, it can be annoying/frustrating to hear others opinions, but you are doing what is best for you and your family. Brush those comments off.
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  • mhwoodmhwood member
    @Bombmom3 - Not at all! And I agree with you completely.
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  • RratledgeRratledge member
    When I told my coworkers that I wasn't returning after I had my son, I was pleasantly greeted with a lot of praise from older women who had stayed at home when their children were young as well as from some husbands of stay at home moms. Also, the handful of other pregnant ladies kindly expressed how they wish they could do the same. there may have been some people who were less supportive, but if so I've blocked out those memories.
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  • meppsmepps member
    Sounds like jealousy to me!!!!
    Enjoy it :) I'm off of work starting next week and couldn't be more excited!
    Embrace it and enjoy your "nesting" time!!!
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  • ammnam14ammnam14 member
    It's mostly from my SIL. She had her baby in March and returned to work towards the end of May. She always tells me not to hold the baby too much because she'll be spoiled and always want arms. Uhh, 1. It's impossible to spoil a baby. 2. You bet your bottom I'll be holding my baby as much as I can! She'll only be this small for a few months and I want to cherish every moment!
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  • TomekiaBTomekiaB member
    I will be a SAHM for at least a year. To be perfectly honest I really love my profession and would prefer to be working but DH's job currently does not make that possible (I am a medical professional and we are overseas...so my credentials don't transfer). In my ideal world I'd love to work part-time 20-30 hours per week.
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  • keiragannkeiragann member
    People keep asking me if I'm sure I'm coming back after I have the baby because the last girl who went out decided at the end of her leave to stay at home for a year. I'd love to stay home but it's not financially a possibility because I am the one who makes more money.

    BFP #1 April 14th, 2014 MMC at 17weeks with a baby boy D&E

    BFP # 2 March 23rd, Rainbow Baby Boy Jayce Michael born 12/9/15

    BFP#3 January 26th EDD October 9th! Hoping for my girl!

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  • mltarriomltarrio member
    I think when people make judgmental comments, a lot of that comes from a place of jealousy. I am not judgmental at all about your choice, but man am I jealous! I would love to be a SAHM, at least for a little while, but it's not feasible for me right now. 

    Haters are going to hate regardless of what choices you are making. Celebrate your choice as you are doing what is right for you and your family. And enjoy that time with your little one - it's precious and will only happen once! 
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  • mhwoodmhwood member
    mltarrio said:
    I think when people make judgmental comments, a lot of that comes from a place of jealousy. I am not judgmental at all about your choice, but man am I jealous! I would love to be a SAHM, at least for a little while, but it's not feasible for me right now. 

    Haters are going to hate regardless of what choices you are making. Celebrate your choice as you are doing what is right for you and your family. And enjoy that time with your little one - it's precious and will only happen once! 
    When SAHMs say that they don't understand how I can abandon my baby at such a young age, why I'm trusting some "stranger" to raise her (her lovely daycare provider), and how they'd be so sad to miss all those amazing firsts, it's coming from a place of jealousy?
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  • blended10blended10 member
    edited October 2015
    I think, like most things, this boils down to some people feel the need to tear others down while some people don't. Regardless of their work status, socioeconomic status, whatever.
    This is not really about working moms vs sahm- it's about people being kind & respectful of other people.
    Surround yourself with kind-hearted people who lift you up. Let go of the rest.
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  • VesperLoveVesperLove member
    People just like to judge, no matter what the circumstances. I have a coworker who was pregnant last year and decided to work right up until delivery. She was constantly getting comments and judgment saying she should leave early, why is she working so hard, why doesn't she take a week to rest up and get ready, etc, etc. And then there are those that judge and make comments when someone actually DOES decide to take that time. 

    Don't worry about them. You're doing what is right for you. Be excited about it! I won't lie, I'm a little jealous :) My husband just took a severance package from work (he is doing the SAHD thing) and his last day is tomorrow too. He'll have two months to get stuff done around the house and prepare for baby while I'm still working through to due date. I've told a few people and they've made comments like "why is HE the one staying home" or "wouldn't it be better if YOU got these two months to prepare". No ... actually, what's best for our family is MY salary and MY job and DH WANTS to be the at-home parent so mind your own business.

    But I digress.

    Bottom line, CONGRATS!! Enjoy this time and enjoy being home and raising your kids. It's wonderful that you get that opportunity and it's wonderful that you can start so soon and use that time to prepare. Enjoy!
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  • grkgdss00grkgdss00 member
    I have to go back to work after baby, and WISH I could be a SAHM. But I would never make judgy comments or make anyone feel bad for their decision - whatever that may be. That being said, people are already telling me how I need to find another way and how bad i'll feel going back to work etc, like I don't already know that? It's def a two-way street.
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  • mhwoodmhwood member
    grkgdss00 said:
    I have to go back to work after baby, and WISH I could be a SAHM. But I would never make judgy comments or make anyone feel bad for their decision - whatever that may be. That being said, people are already telling me how I need to find another way and how bad i'll feel going back to work etc, like I don't already know that? It's def a two-way street.
    I know exactly what you mean. I get comments like that all the time. I'm sorry people are making you feel bad about things.
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  • lablover920lablover920 member
    Bombmom3 said:
    People, in general, just can't keep their mouths shut and mind their own business. I have found that everyone feels the need to blurt their two cents about your situation the INSTANT it is known you are pregnant. It runs the gamut from diaper advice, feeding advice, discipline advice and of course opinions on stay at home vs return to the work force. I wish we could all get to a place of support for each other and other moms rather than being judgemental, catty, opinionated a-holes about everything baby and kid related.
    ^Yes. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • kfreeman2008kfreeman2008 member
    I stopped working during Fertility treatments. Once my 3rd iui failed and my anxiety got to the severe disorder level, it wasn't worth it. I quit and took the summer to relax and then we went into IVF, donor egg IVF and pregnancy.

    Lots of haters since my husband worked where I did. A medium sized Non profit where most don't make as much as a teacher does. But, he us in IT and made triple what I did and we planned on me staying home anyway. There were lots of financial judgemental statements bc we paid off a car and spent $40,000 on Fertility treatments (cash). They don't know how much our families contributed to that. And we are both lucky to have no college debt and come from families that live well below their means like we do. I just always laugh. I know I get judgemental, but for as many SAHM there are moms that WANT to work bc they would go crazy otherwise. It's a preference thing for lots of my friends. You do you and I'll do me. We feel differently, but I now know that no one ever really understands our personal decisions....hello hubby and I.don't always agree.
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  • orangesprinklesorangesprinkles member

    My husband is going to be the one that stays home after our second one is born and I couldn't be happier! Mostly praises from people but some family members have some comments like "aren't you going to go crazy?" "daycare is cheap where you live"

    Well I love the idea of my husband being there for our girls! We are fortunate that I make decent money but also frugal. We live waaay below our means and will make this work!

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  • mltarriomltarrio member
    @mhwood Yes, I think those comments come from a place of jealousy too. Some SAHM probably wish they could go into the workplace and interact with other adults and have a meaningful career. I think the cloth cuts both ways on this one. I have experienced some, (not a lot), of comments like those about how I could give up that time with my baby, how I could possibly go back to work at 8 weeks, etc. I really care about my career and it's the right choice for me. But I do wish I could stay at home with my little one longer, at least for a while. I think as women we all have feelings and desires to do both things, and the jealousy cuts both ways, and this sometimes leads to ladies making nasty and judgmental comments about other women's choices. I firmly believe there is no "best" way to do this, just choices that are right for each of us. 
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  • AlgundelAlgundel member
    Unfortunately, I think we get judged on everything!  I'm getting judged for going to back to work!  So many people are like you should stay home, etc!  Its not for me, just like for some women going back to work isn't for them!  I can not believe how much we are judged, I wish people would just keep their opinions to themselves!
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  • MegStarkMegStark member
    People are going to judge everything you do. From working or staying home, how you feed your child, if you do/don't use pacifiers. All of it. Unfortunately, other moms are usually the worst about it. Welcome to parenthood.

    Just brush off the comments as best you can.

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  • NellieHarringtonCarterNellieHarringtonCarter member
    Echoing what a lot of people have said, I think there is always going to be someone who judges you, silently or otherwise, no matter what you do. But most of the time, I really don't think it is "judging" as much as it is "envy." 

    I've been lucky in that I really don't get (or perceive) a lot of judgy comments from people about my parenting. Sure, I've heard other moms or non-parents say "Oh I could never do X, Y or Z," but I don't take them as a sleight on me. The only person I really get the harsh judgement from is my grandmother. Then again, she used to bitch at my mom about working, too. The only difference is that when we were kids, my grandmother babysat my sister and I while my parents were working. In my case, since I'm further away, I had to use a (gasp) daycare. It doesn't matter what I tell her, she always refers to my kid as "poor baby," and assumes that the daycare I use doesn't feed her, doesn't watch her properly, and let's just any one waltz in and do whatever to the kids. And heaven forbid if I need to travel anywhere for work ("Why the hell does your boss make you travel like that by yourself? Tell him to get someone else to do it. You can't just leave your kid like that. There are crazy people and you could get raped or killed!") 

    I am extremely lucky, however, because I have a job that allows me to work remotely when I need to. Most of my colleagues are in another office, so almost all of my interaction with them is on the phone or over the internet, so it really doesn't matter if I do it from a satellite office or from my home office (and I thank God every single day for my coworkers and supervisors). 

    I've also had periods of time when I was a SAHM and a WAHM, and every time, my grandmother had something to say. Usually as a SAHM it was my cleaning or cooking abilities ("You don't do your husband's laundry? What kind of a wife are you?" or "You're making pasta again? Why don't you make something different? You need to cook for your husband. You can't just eat pasta every day!" (oh yes I can)). And as a WAHM it was all of those things plus "How can you work at home and still watch your kid? Too much iPad and TV isn't good for her. Does your boss really let you do that?"

    But I put up with it. Because I know that even if I didn't have any kids and even if I didn't have a job, she would still bitch at me about something. :) And that's true with everyone, I think. even if they don't have the guts to say anything, someone somewhere is silently judging you. 

    On a side note, I just read a very good Scary Mommy post sort of about this. 
    https://www.scarymommy.com/10-moms-i-can-no-longer-speak-to/
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  • MerBotMerBot member
    I've received surprise that I'm not working right till the end of 9 months - it's assumed I want to take the 12 full months off for baby's first year.

    But since we can split the 12 months in Canada between spouses and my husband has banked overtime he can take as well, I'm taking a month before and at least 8 months after, since a new work season naturally begins in next fall for me and would be the best time to transition back for a variety of reasons. Then my husband could take time off with the baby also.

    The rest we'll see. But I'd rather enjoy an extra month off, now, guaranteed than an extra month later I may choose not to use.
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  • laurabwalkerlaurabwalker member
    Yes I think either way unfortunately, women at judged! It's really unfair. I am taking my mat leave for a year and then returning to work. People keep saying "you should work part time if you have kids", it's like sorry when is this anyone's business?
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  • mac-n-cheesymac-n-cheesy member
    I quit work at 12 weeks due to HG and it was the best decision I ever made. We found out the next week I have a high risk cord abnormality and I've literally been sick my entire pregnancy.
    DH and I already knew I was not returning to work, as he makes well over $100k more than I do even though I'm the one with the 4-year B.S. in molecular, cellular, and developmental biology, a minor in organic chemistry and a biotech cert.
    I've gotten a lot of judgement. I still plan on going to pharmacy school next year though, so it just made sense to quit when I did. I can't wait to be a full-time SAHM for at least awhile. I've had so many people judge me as well but I just let it roll off my back. If only they knew we are very financially secure and I have been horribly sick since week 7 maybe they wouldn't be so judgey!
    OP, you stayed working a very long time and trained someone to do your job so anyone that judges you about it is really coming out of a place of ignorance and/or envy.
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