1st October 15th...

mommaseal

Well yesterday was my first October 15th, which is infant & pregnancy loss awareness day. (I'm sure you already knew) I did not expect it would hit me so hard yesterday. I could hardly get through the work day without getting choked up. Of course it was also impossible to avoid on all the social media sites. I did light a candle at 7pm in honor of my daughter. Anyone else have a hard time with their first Oct 15th? Or am I just too sensitive and it's still so fresh?

spatter1

So glad you posted this. I didn't even realize what it was until later in the day. I held up OK until night time. I just couldn't stop crying. I felt so sad - actually getting teared up right now just thinking about it. I had a dr appointment the following day and I was terrified nearly to the point of making my myself sick. I'm just so scared of another MMC and the next time we go in they won't find a heartbeat.

I also felt mad and still do as I look at this pregnancy announcement on Facebook from a girl I went to HS with. She's due 3 days after me so must be exactly 12 weeks today. I just feel so mad and jealous that she gets to be blissfully happy and confident putting it out there now. Meanwhile I sit here terrified to tell people. Excuse me while I act like a 5 year old but... IT'S NOT FAIR.

kimey1

I know it seems unfair, but I think it's important to know that many people don't share their experienced because it was so painful and they can't talk about it, or it is just too private a matter that they don't share it. Yes, we've lost some of our innocence on pregnancy, but there may be a whole lot more people that went through it, too. I've had friends and acquaintances tell me about their losses or their difficulties in TTC much later because that's how long it took for them to be able to share it. Saying you're 'casually TTC', or 'leaving it upto nature/God/the universe' or even 'focusing on the career right now' can be a way to hide the hurting/hardship.

mommaseal

I feel the same exact way. I'm jealous they get to announce immediately after POAS! Earlier this year I found out I was pregnant and three days later so did my sister. We were so excited to be pregnant together. She basically announced a couple weeks later (6w) and of course I wasn't ready to. It was like I knew something wasn't right. I told a few people as my pregnancy progressed but I made no announcement and when I lost my daughter at 16w4d, most people had no idea I was pregnant. I felt awful after for not giving myself the chance to be excited or giving my baby a chance. It was like I knew I was going to lose her. This time around I'm feeling more connected but scared to announce. I now know first hand...It can be ripped away in an instant.

spatter1

@mommaseal I know exactly what you mean. I felt the same way with my first. Just never really got excited and always kind of knew something was wrong. I've felt more connected this time too, which makes me feel better, but also knowing what can happen I never feel totally confident. And every doctor's appointment I get this horrible feeling that something isn't going to be right. I have no reason to think that this time; last time we never got good news - our first u/s at a little over 7 weeks showed a very low HR and the baby only measured 6w1d so we had bad news from the get-go. This time around every appointment has been exactly as it should be. I just still freak out because I know even though the chances are small, things can go wrong even after seeing a strong HB several times. 

@kimey1 You're right. I feel happy that I've had a great support system in my personal life and on TB that has allowed me to feel comfortable enough to share my story and my pain. I feel awful for those who suffer in silence. I couldn't imagine. Even though it is sad we are all here, there is a level of comfort knowing you aren't alone and have people who understand that sometimes you just need to be freaked out.

kimey1

@spatter1 Totally agree with you - this board is my favorite one on TB. We're not telling family about the baby till 14 & 15 weeks. Not that any certain point in the 40weeks (maybe after 36weeks?) will comfort me... but I'd feel better sharing as late as possible.
I'm just thankful I'm pregnant today.