Can't get excited to tell parents

slk03

It's well-known to family and friends that I was firmly in the not-having-kids-anytime-soon-so-quit-asking camp, so this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise.

My parents have never pressured us to have kids. My mom even went so far to assure me that if I decided I never wanted kids, that was totally OK.

When we announced to my mom and stepdad they were very excited and surprised (join the club). My dad and stepmom will be the same, but we haven't told them yet. That's because as soon as we do, we have to also tell my in-laws. And I don't want to give them the satisfaction. That sounds terrible.

They're perfectly lovely people and mean well. But ever since we moved back to the same town, they have been less than subtle. My FIL actually took my drink at a BBQ this summer and removed it from the koozie to see if it was alcoholic (it was and turns out I was pregnant and didn't know it yet). While visiting my mom and stepdad, my in-laws brought up if we were "ever going to have kids" with them. I feel like it's completely inappropriate and none of their GD business.

The hints are just part of the problem. We only live 10 min. apart so they're always around and it drives me insane. It's not unusual for them to stop by with little or no warning, need our help with something or want to feed us because they made a huge meal and don't want all the leftovers. We also have shared farm land so this time of year I've been seeing them several times a week. I feel like a horrible person because all of that shouldn't be such an imposition on me, and many people would love to have family so nearby. But I just feel like it's not my husband and my life anymore. It's theirs.

A vindictive part if me is furious that they're getting what they want and "winning" despite their constant, inappropriate, unsolicited opinions on my reproductive plans (or lack thereof). As soon as they know, they're going to be all up in my space that much more and I'm so not OK with it.

Ugh. I don't want to expand the bubble of people who know. I feel like a truly bad person. I know someone will say "just talk to them and tell them how you feel" or "set some boundaries" but my husband doesn't really see the problem, and I could never say anything that would hurt their feelings.

Utterly frustrated and wishing I could drown my sorrows in a margarita. But I can't. Sigh.

finnybooboo

I'm not exactly in your same position, but I think I might feel somewhat the same if we find out we're having a boy. My FIL mentions all the time how he wants a grandson, and that he hopes our next kid is a boy. He doesn't know we're pregnant yet, and I have a feeling that once he finds out, he's going to be talking NON-STOP about it. As terrible as it sounds, I kind of hope it's another girl, just so he doesn't have that satisfaction of "getting" what he wants. I also have a feeling if it is a boy, he's going to show complete partiality to him over my daughter, and it's going to make me hate him even more. Sigh. In-laws make us crazy.

dshannah

@slk03

Well, shit's going to hit the fan sometime.  Talk to your husband--he needs to be your ally in this, your co-parent who will help set boundaries if his parents overstep them.  So you need to be clear what your boundaries are. Even if he doesn't see a problem now, if you don't set boundaries there will likely be problems later (his parents second-guessing your clothing/food/education choices until you don't feel as if you have any control over your own kid).

With DH as an ally and future in-law encroachment planned for, you may find you resent them now a bit less.

I know this might be weird (and mean?), but I kind of assume parents and in-laws who are baby-obsessed are really sad--they must have nothing entertaining in their lives if their happiness depends on their progeny having progeny. Read a book, take a trip, volunteer, take up quilting... I don't know, but vicarious baby-seeking seems like a pretty empty existence. You can't control when your kids have kids, and pinning future happiness on a gaggle of grandkids is impractical at best and exploitative at worst: parents can't enjoy the adults their kids have become because they're too busy wondering when more mini-mes will arrive. (I know it's Monday, not UO Thursday, but this seemed to fit--maybe pitying your FIL would be an alternative to being annoyed by him?)

zekesmommy611

I completely feel your pain. You need to set boundaries now because it will only get worse during your pregnancy and when LO arrives. My MIL would constantly talk about how I should raise DS ( breast feed him, don't put him in daycare..). She even talked about being in the labor room with us.. Ummmm no! After DS was born she would randomly show up at our house unannounced at anytime of the day. I know she was excited about her grandson and meant well but I couldn't take it. I had DH tell her to back off and give us space. It maybe awkward but you need to do it!!

mrstmoose

I'm lucky enough to not be in your situation. But here are my thoughts...

I know you already said this but you and H need to have a conversation. Whether he sees it as a problem or not; you do, and that's enough for him to get involved. When you tell his parents, I would also delve right into the conversation of boundaries while you are pregnant and after the baby is born. Stress that you want them to be a part of the baby's life (I'm assuming you do) but state that you will need a routine and constantly dropping in or inviting themselves over is not going to work anymore. Depending on the relationship with them, maybe you can say it if your H won't (if for some reason, my H wouldn't want to talk to my MIL, I would talk her in a polite, respectful way). But he needs to understand that you guys need your space right now and for quite awhile after the LO is born. Regardless, boundaries are going to have to be set. Sorry! 

slk03

Thanks all. It's definitely going to be a struggle. I'm really just dwelling on their (likely unintended) intrusiveness, and I know they'll be wonderful, involved grandparents.

I think @dshannah hit the nail on the head about something missing. I think that's a lot of it. On one hand, they have four grandkids already, so why I am obligated to provide more? They all live within an hour and half. What more could they ask for?

However, on the other hand, for a variety of reasons (distance/time/parenting attitudes) they haven't been allowed get super invested in their grandkids' daily lives, and I know that's something they want. My FIL has commented how jealous he is when his farming partner brings his grandson out to the field, like he's throwing it in his face. That's certainly not the case, but I know how desperately they want a grandkid in the same town to spoil. However, it makes me feel like my only role in this family is to produce said grandkid and that they're going to be in our space constantly once the kid's here. I'm so bad at saying no already. Definitely going to need to toughen up to set some boundaries.

vinerie

I feel like TB needs a whole board for IL issues! I can completely understand. There is something about ILs that just grates on you, right?!

That's all I have, other than I feel you and hope you can figure out a way to be at peace with them! (Also, bringing over food is not the worst thing in the world. I might be okay with that!!)

katykatykaty

slk03 said:

Thanks all. It's definitely going to be a struggle. I'm really just dwelling on their (likely unintended) intrusiveness, and I know they'll be wonderful, involved grandparents.

I think @dshannah hit the nail on the head about something missing. I think that's a lot of it. On one hand, they have four grandkids already, so why I am obligated to provide more? They all live within an hour and half. What more could they ask for?

However, on the other hand, for a variety of reasons (distance/time/parenting attitudes) they haven't been allowed get super invested in their grandkids' daily lives, and I know that's something they want. My FIL has commented how jealous he is when his farming partner brings his grandson out to the field, like he's throwing it in his face. That's certainly not the case, but I know how desperately they want a grandkid in the same town to spoil. However, it makes me feel like my only role in this family is to produce said grandkid and that they're going to be in our space constantly once the kid's here. I'm so bad at saying no already. Definitely going to need to toughen up to set some boundaries.

On the plus side, it sounds like your kid is going to be very loved! But I totally agree that the pressuring is obnoxious and sad. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

cortney626

I agree with pp's that you need to talk to your husband so you two can set boundaries with his parents. Your husband needs to know how you feel. Is your FIL handy? Maybe he can make the baby a piece of furniture. Or some kind od job to keep him occupied. Good luck. This is an exciting time and it does sound like your child will be very loved!

dshannah

slk03 said:

My FIL has commented how jealous he is when his farming partner brings his grandson out to the field, like he's throwing it in his face. That's certainly not the case, but I know how desperately they want a grandkid in the same town to spoil. However, it makes me feel like my only role in this family is to produce said grandkid and that they're going to be in our space constantly once the kid's here. I'm so bad at saying no already. Definitely going to need to toughen up to set some boundaries.

This might be a blessing! Especially as the kid gets older, so long as you can have the final say in the wheres and whens, your FIL can take LO out on the farm for a few hours every week while you sleep and shower or do whatever they say you no longer get to do when you have kids.  

But this is also your bargaining chip!  You can lead with: "We are so excited that you guys are going to be close by, that LO will learn about the farm firsthand with you, that he/she will have the opportunity to go out there with you and help cook at holidays and see you all the time."  Holding out exactly the future they want.  And then comes the "but"--"But we also need our space to set up a routine, to work on our relationship as co-parents and spouses, and we need to do that as a couple.  We'd love your advice and help, but we have to make sure our parenting team of two is solid before we begin expanding it."

And if your FIL has the awareness to acknowledge his jealousy, there is always the possibility that he is also self-aware enough to calm down when he actually finds out.

TheThornBird

I know exactly what how you feel, my future IL's are very sweet people but tend to try to be overly involved. My SO's brother and his wife had to set boundaries with them, and now the wife is the wicked witch in the family for not letting the in-laws do what they want. What I have to look forward to, yay....

My family, my dad's mom (my grandmother), and my dad's sister (my aunt) all lived within a 2 minute drive of each other (grandmother and aunt actually lived next door to each other). My grandmother, although she was a great woman, overstepped boundaries and got angry when people told her "no". It ended up ruining my parents' marriage- my dad refused to set boundaries, so mom left- and destroyed her relationship with my aunt. Strong boundaries, and the ability to respect them, are absolutely crucial for any relationship to succeed. 

There's already some good advice on how to talk to your husband. For me, I've found it works better if I work with my SO to find a compromise, rather than just put my foot down and say "you need to side with me!".  I phrase things along the lines of "I want us to have a great relationship with your parents and I want them to be involved in their lives, but I also know how quickly things can deteriorate when people don't understand what is and isn't okay and respect that. Can we find a way so that both of us are happy?"

But ugh, it is so hard to do that sometimes! I could rant about my IL's all day, ha. For all us future moms: when your child grows up and gets married, please do not go over to do his chores and give him massages. 

Oh, and as far as unannounced visits: remember, Miss Manners herself says it is perfect etiquette to ignore the doorbell when someone stops by unannounced or without permission

slk03

cortney626 said:

Is your FIL handy? Maybe he can make the baby a piece of furniture. Or some kind od job to keep him occupied. Good luck. This is an exciting time and it does sound like your child will be very loved!

Ha! Yes. VERY handy. As in, there is a rocking horse stored in their attic that he already made with the hopes that we'd have kids. And you can guess the guilt trip we got last year we he decided to put it in the attic because we haven't yet provided a tiny rider. Sigh. Maybe I can have him build something else like a toy box to keep him busy (for like, a second).