Opinions?

alynny

I know I don't post very often but I try to contribute occasionally, I would love for you guys to give me your opinions on this situation! I'm 33 weeks right now and my baby's father has cheated on me through out my whole pregnancy and stressed me out. We're no longer together so the issue of last names came up. I think she should have my last name since he hasn't helped out with getting her anything or shown he's capable of being a father. He says if she doesn't have his last name her refuses to be in her life, what would you do?

BowWowBowie

Don't give that baby his last name. He's being childish and a dick. If something like the last name can make him stay out of her life, what will happen when something else happens that he doesn't like? His loss. 

Lolo427

If all it takes is a last name difference for him to be out of her life then to me it doesn't sound like he's much vested to begin with. Clearly he hasn't shown respect for you thus far, so I would do what you feel is best by you and DD. Either way, he should be helping financially ( whether willing is another thing), so no matter what he has some level of involvement.

CharminglySouthern

BowWowBowie said:

Don't give that baby his last name. He's being childish and a dick. If something like the last name can make him stay out of her life, what will happen when something else happens that he doesn't like? His loss. 

100% this.

thegingeravenger

With this snippet of the story, I would say your last name for sure. Once she's here, go through the courts and get child support set up. Maybe at some point in her life he'll decide to step up and be a father. 

rachswi

Give the baby your last name. If dads name is on the birth certificate he has to pay child support even if he doesn't want to be involved. He's not good enough to deserve a child with his last name.

BlondeMomma92

she certainly SHOULD NOT, get his last name, he has not done anything to warrant that gift. He's disrespected you and his unborn daughter by behaving the way he has throughout your pregnancy. I would however try to make sure he his held responsible for some kind of financial support. it takes two people to make a baby.

MargaretC5

I agree, don't give the baby his last name just because he is threatening not to be involved. It is his child the last name should not determine if he is in her life or not. If he is making threats like that I would also make sure you have child support handled by the court.

MiMary80

If he is that childish that he won't be in her life without his last name, that is just an excuse to use so that he doesn't have to be in her life. He doesn't get a choice though...like @BlondeMomma92 said, it takes two to make a baby.

alynny

Thank you all, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being wrong. She will definitely be getting my name and if that causes him to not be in her life then he doesn't deserve her. I appreciate all the advice.

CarrieOct15

I'd say good riddance & give the baby your last name!

My mother gave me my father's last name, & she tells me to this day that she regrets it. 

VexedMommy

My situation is a bit different than yours, but my daughter has my ex's last name.  We are now divorced am I'm back to my maiden name.  It makes her very sad that she does not have the same last name as I do.  She wants to be part of my maiden name family since she does not see her father or his family and it is a sore spot for her. 

PetitNightingale

OP I really do not recommend giving in to his demands. He didn't help. He doesn't get to show up now at the last minute and demand some kind of ridiculous validation. If he's not man enough to be in your LOs life without his last name, both you and baby sound like you are dodging a bullet. 

Take care. 

mrsgabus

If you do not want your LO to have his name then you absolutely shouldn't give into his demands.

I gave my oldest his "sperm Doners" last name, My DH has raised him since birth so after years of trying to get him adopted, we legally changed DS name to my Husbands name last year. 

I honestly wish I had never even put his name on the birth certificate...

kmd91

The way I see it, if before the baby is born they're already giving you reasons to not want baby to have his last name, the likelihood of him changing once the baby is here is slim to none. You see all the time where things go south once the hard part (caring for a baby) starts and there's regret for giving the baby the name of the man who ended up walking out. So to me, if things aren't even good during pregnancy, it's pretty unlikely he will be a father that deserves to have his name given to his child.

And I'll also echo what others have said about his involvement. He may not want to be involved if the little one doesn't have his name, but that's irrelevant. He will be responsible for child support at the very least regardless. If he wants to not be an active father in the child's life, his loss. But no matter what he is tied to this baby.

adcorbin

First.....sorry to hear all you've gone through. That sucks a lot.
Second....your last name. This guy sounds like a real jerk and may not be around even if you give the baby his last name.
Good luck mama! Stay strong.

ashleywuli

First, I am so sorry you're dealing with this.

As everyone else has said, do not give her his name! If down the road he earns the right, he can go to court and pay to have it changed. Until then, if that ever happens, life will be easier for you to let baby have your name. Good luck!

thegingeravenger

CarrieOct15 said:

I'd say good riddance & give the baby your last name!

My mother gave me my father's last name, & she tells me to this day that she regrets it. 

Agreed. My mom kept her married name to keep the peace. I wish to hell and back that she and I would have had her maiden name.

ewhitledge

My brother has a daughter who does not have his last name. He still goes to every appointment, pays support despite it not being ordered, and takes her every weekend. It shouldnt be a deal breaker if he really wants to be a part of her life. Sorry you're dealing with a shitty situation!

bellie1223

I definitely agree with PP--baby gets your last name. What are the benefits to her having his name? Sounds like he hasn't done anything to support you, nor does it sound like he is likely to help out after....probably better for you and your daughter to share the same last name. Also agree about getting child support set up right away, if he didn't want to support a child he should not have been having sex in the first place. 

PetitNightingale

bellie1223 said:

I definitely agree with PP--baby gets your last name. What are the benefits to her having his name? Sounds like he hasn't done anything to support you, nor does it sound like he is likely to help out after....probably better for you and your daughter to share the same last name. Also agree about getting child support set up right away, if he didn't want to support a child he should not have been having sex in the first place. 

I wish I could marry this post. 

dramaphile

I assume you are not married since you refer to him as "baby's father". If you are, make sure you know the laws in your state regarding baby naming. Some states force baby to take your husband's name if you are still married when baby is born.

urby87

ewhitledge said:

My brother has a daughter who does not have his last name. He still goes to every appointment, pays support despite it not being ordered, and takes her every weekend. It shouldnt be a deal breaker if he really wants to be a part of her life. Sorry you're dealing with a shitty situation!

This is basically my husband's situation.  He had a change of heart when he met SS, but he was really upset about having a kid when he found out his ex was pregnant.  Because he hadn't originally planned on being involved, SS does not have his last name.

tayzav

What everyone else has said. I commend you for even considering it with what he's put you through honestly. Hell no, baby gets moms last name, if he wants to step it up and take on the dad roll he'll do it whether or not she had his last name. What a moron. He just wants to have control of the situation, and threatening you is his way of (trying) to do it. Glad you've made the decision that she gets yours. Good luck and sorry you're still dealing with his sorry ass.

alynny

Thank you everyone for being so helpful!

RNmommy13

Even more of a reason to to not give her his last name. If he doesn't care enough, to say anything like he won't be in his child life, the he!! With you

poupoule

Agreed with pp, your last name!

Cook3133

100% agree baby gets your last name. I had this conversation with my SS ex girlfriend who is due in December. SS is acting like a POS and I wanted her to know she had our full support on giving the baby her last name instead of ours. We did tell her she needed to list him on the BC and go after child support to, don't leave him off that.

Best of luck to Ya!

nano1

I agree with give her your last name.
I had my absentee father's last name and when I was 6yrs old I asked my mom if I could change it to her last name. I didn't want any part of someone who wasn't involved in my life.

AbbeyRoad87

Lmao @ that idiot. Sounds like he's looking for a reason to jump ship. In the words of President Bush "I do not negotiate with terrorist" Tell him to go f%&$ himself is my opinion. It'll suck to end up single parenting and the kid has his last name. I would die laughter if my piece of s%&$ donor even suggested it.

AaYeti

Why would you want such a scumbag in her life? So she can learn early on to distrust men? Don't put him on the birth certificate. Then marry a good strong man and teach her how a woman ought to be treated.

NovemberSno

Don't give him her last name or put him on the birth certificate. If he's acting this way now I can't imagine how he will be when his real responsibilities get here. Save you and your baby the heartbreak. Break ties now.

NovemberSno

Forget the child support, run away from him. His few dollars a month won't make or break you but years of his presence then absence, which I've seen so many children suffer through with deadbeats, including myself, won't ever go away. That little girl need a strong man and father figure in her life not that piece of crap.

oliarnmom1517

NovemberSno said:

Forget the child support, run away from him. His few dollars a month won't make or break you but years of his presence then absence, which I've seen so many children suffer through with deadbeats, including myself, won't ever go away. That little girl need a strong man and father figure in her life not that piece of crap.

This.. 100%!!! My dad left and didn't even attempt to contact me until I was in my teens.. He left when I was really little but then all of a sudden when he needed me he wanted to play the daddy card.. I still have yet to actually speak to him.. I have sent him a few texts because I felt like I needed closure and that I need to try and forgive his actions.. It wasn't even worth my time.. All I did was reach out my hand to have it smacked away.. He lived with my sister for awhile and I had to stay there for a few days and I didn't say a single word to him.. He made me food thinking I would talk to him.. Yes I like food and yes I will eat food you cook for me but that does not make up for years of just not giving a shit.. I still have yet to actually speak to him.. And I honestly don't think I ever will.. I don't have to find it in my heart to forgive him because if he wanted to be there he would have been.. Why should I forgive him if I did nothing to deserve what he did to me??


Sorry for the dear diary comment but this is a very touchie subject for me.. But PP hit it right on the head!!

VexedMommy

NovemberSno said:

Forget the child support, run away from him. His few dollars a month won't make or break you but years of his presence then absence, which I've seen so many children suffer through with deadbeats, including myself, won't ever go away. That little girl need a strong man and father figure in her life not that piece of crap.

Child support or not doesn't necessarily mean the father won't try to be in and out of his child's life sporadically.  I would put his name on the birth certificate, because she will ask one day who her father is and it's only fair to her to be told the truth.  I would also go through the court system for child support.  It will mean putting together a custody agreement.  Try to get him saying things and trying to control you (which is all his threat and bluster about the child getting his last name truly is) in writing and bring it with you to mediation.  Try to get as much control as possible that way.  Without a custody agreement, the father (deadbeat or not) has as much right to the child and to keep the child from you as you do from him. 

ETA:  In regards to the child support money, I would try to get it.  If you don't need it that's awesome.  Stick it in a savings account or college fund in your daughter's name.  Most single moms I know could use a little extra money from time to time though so if you need it, use it for its intended purpose. 

PetitNightingale

From what I understand, child support and custody are two very different things and one does not mean the other. So you could still put the father's name on the birth certificate without giving baby his last name. I have been told by some members on this board that putting down the father's name will make getting child support easier down the road. It takes two to make a baby and he should still be held responsible in some way. I would take the above post to heart, as I've never seen PP be wrong before. 

Whatever happened between you and LOs father, the baby deserves all the resources possible. I'm dealing with something semi-similar and have been advised to collect child support regardless of my personal feelings for the father because it's really not about me and you never know if you will need that money for the baby down the road. I have no knowledge about whether or not that will make custody easier or harder for him so I won't comment on that but you could ask some more knowledgeable posters. I just want to point out that he is still responsible for this child. 

MargaretC5

VexedMommy said:

NovemberSno said:

Forget the child support, run away from him. His few dollars a month won't make or break you but years of his presence then absence, which I've seen so many children suffer through with deadbeats, including myself, won't ever go away. That little girl need a strong man and father figure in her life not that piece of crap.

Child support or not doesn't necessarily mean the father won't try to be in and out of his child's life sporadically.  I would put his name on the birth certificate, because she will ask one day who her father is and it's only fair to her to be told the truth.  I would also go through the court system for child support.  It will mean putting together a custody agreement.  Try to get him saying things and trying to control you (which is all his threat and bluster about the child getting his last name truly is) in writing and bring it with you to mediation.  Try to get as much control as possible that way.  Without a custody agreement, the father (deadbeat or not) has as much right to the child and to keep the child from you as you do from him. 

ETA:  In regards to the child support money, I would try to get it.  If you don't need it that's awesome.  Stick it in a savings account or college fund in your daughter's name.  Most single moms I know could use a little extra money from time to time though so if you need it, use it for its intended purpose. 


Everything VexedMommy said, also if you don't go for child support it is just letting your baby daddy know it is ok to not be responsible for his child. If he is not responsible for his actions he may not worry about getting someone else pregnant in the future.

sadyy131

VexedMommy said:

My situation is a bit different than yours, but my daughter has my ex's last name.  We are now divorced am I'm back to my maiden name.  It makes her very sad that she does not have the same last name as I do.  She wants to be part of my maiden name family since she does not see her father or his family and it is a sore spot for her. 

This.
My SO has his father's last name and hates it. His parents were married at the time so that is why they gave him his fathers last name. But he was extremely abusive and eventually left the family when SO was seven. He has said multiple times through the pregnancy that he would rather our baby take his mother's maiden name (he plans on switching his to hers) than his current last name (his dad's). It really does bring up a sore spot for him as the history with his father is tragic and even before he left the family, he was never there for SO.

NovemberSno

If this guy is already pulling this crap now before that little girl is here I can assure you he will not be a good father to her. Once you make a custody agreement and begin to take child support from him you need a court order from a judge with an attorney to take that back. I've been through this personally as I was with a man for 7 years. On our second child we split up. He was a great dad while we were together, then I did open a custody case, shared equal rights and he's supposed to pay a percentage of his money for my girls. He pretended for a few months to care then stopped showing up to get them on his days or answering the phone when wed call. It got 100X worst when I met my husband. I never wanted my girls not to know thier father because I had that growing up and it's an awful feeling. Like you did something wrong. Now he will maybe send a text on a birthday. It's sad. And I wish I had never opened a custody case because in the agreement are stipulations that holds me accountable for making it easy for him to see them (like living in my city) but nothing that says he has to hold up his part of it. I'll get a random child support check every now and then but it's not like I couldn't put food in my kids mouth without it. I keep his pictures, I've NEVER said a bad word about him and my girls know that he's out there but they'd never recognize him if they saw him. My husband is who they consider thier dad because he has been there for them and they love him more than the world, and he does to them. The custody case makes it very difficult for us in alot of ways, that's all I'm saying. And it gives him power over my girls and I that he doesn't deserve. That's a very long story short. But, everybody has different situations and I can't say, though I've seen time and time again, that yours will be similar. All I can say is good luck and I think with our without him that baby girl will grow up surrounded by love and joy.

mlfitch

If you go with your last name and change your mind in the future you can have it changed. Having her start with his and have it dropped later is MUCH more difficult.

alynny

Thank you everyone for the advice, I've decided to definitely use my last name but not go for child support. I'm keeping him off the birth certificate. The agreement between us for now is he can see her whenever and pick up things as needed but I don't want to get into legal stuff if he decides to leave, I'd rather just let him. I know that doesn't make sense to some people but I feel like it would be better for me. I can love and support her with or without him.