Late Term and Child Loss

I miss my daughter (40 week stillborn)

Oct. 2 was my due date. I started contractions Thursday night/friday morning. My baby was coming and was pretty excited up bouncing around late Thursday night. We were up most of the night as contractions were happening every 10 mins.
By morning that had subsided a bit and so we were in no hurry to get to the hospital. By mid morning I hadn't felt the baby move but blew it off as sleeping because of the lack of sleep we both had.
I tried the orange juice, chocolate bar tricks but it didn't do anything. So we got our bags together and headed out just to be safe.
Once at the hospital we used the doppler and 2 ultrasounds to confirm our worst nightmare - there was no longer a heartbeat. What was a baby only 12 hours earlier was no longer. :(
I continued with labour (this was a planned vbac) and after more than 24 hours of a very painful labour (3 failed attempts at an epidural) and 3 hours of a very painful and traumatic delivery, i finally met this beautiful baby girl who would never get to feel her mother or father's touch, meet her big brother and get to come home.
Her cord was so tightly wrapped around her ankles that she cut off her supply of food and oxygen. In all her excitement, she got all tangled up and couldn't get out.
Such a beautiful baby girl....her body visibly marked by such a tragedy.
She was so pretty , like a baby you would see in a magazine.
My heart, body and soul are forever broken. Leaving her at the hospital (next to her delivery) was the hardest thing i have ever done.
Now instead of celebrating her new life we are planning a funeral.
My body is still going through transition - everything hurts. My milk has now come in and everything has become a constant reminder of what should have been.
Eventually i suppose this gets easier but will the heart ever completely heal? I don't want to be that person that is consumed with hate every time i see a baby because ours was taken from us.
We will seek guidance shortly but at this time due to physical pain i can hardly get out of bed.
Thank you for allowing me to share my experience here.



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Re: I miss my daughter (40 week stillborn)

  • I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I hate that this has happened to you.
    I definitely recommend therapy or counseling. It helped me and my DH a lot, especially because we were grieving in different ways.

    I know not much is a comfort right now, but we know how you feel and we understand the pain and the anguish. The pain doesn't go away, but there will come a time when you are used to it. When you can keep going and even smile again. It's been 6 months since my loss and I'm starting to feel alive again. Some take longer, some take shorter. It's so very difficult but you can do it. And we are here for you.

    Feel free to pm me if you need to, I may not answer immediately, but I know how nice it is to talk to someone who gets it. Be kind to yourself.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    🌈  Preemie 2016  🌈
    ♥ Stillborn 2015 
            
  • msunshine123msunshine123 member
    edited October 2015
    I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Like you we lost our son due to a cord accident. We lost him the day of delivery 39 weeks - they believe when my labor started - the cord was around his neck. Loosing your child is so heartbreaking - there are no words. We have done counseling and support groups - all have helped with the healing. It's been over a year - the pain is still there, but not as overwhelming. Be patient and kind to yourself. Your grief is still fresh - take it one moment at a time. Thinking of you and your family and sending so many hugs your way. We are here for you.
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  • How my heart broke when I read about your loss! It has almost been a year since I lost my baby girl, but I remember so vividly the confusion, shock, and pain of losing a baby. It is a hurt and ache inside that I wish no one ever had to experience! I am so so very sorry for you! I am glad that you found this board and have these sweet ladies to encourage and comfort you! I didn't find this til recently and I remember after losing my daughter feeling as if I was the only one who had ever been through such a tragedy, and such heartache. And although I wish no one else had ever felt this, it helps knowing that we are not alone! And others have managed to keep on going after a loss so I knew that I could too. I hope that we can somehow be an encouragement to you. We are here if you ever need us! Sending prayer for you and your family
  • So so very sorry to hear of this tragic loss the pain is so difficult to deal with. I lost my sweet Amelia just over 3 years ago and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her sweet sweet face. She was also born sleeping.
    I was 38 weeks and everything seemed great, my boyfriend had just gotten home from a 13 week work project in Nunavut and we were 4 days from meeting our girl. One night I woke up and noticed I hadn't felt her move for a few hours and ended up calling labor and delivery, at this time it was 1am. They asked me to come in. That's when I knew something was wrong. I tired to wake my boyfriend but he wasn't waking up and told me I was crazy and needed to go back to sleep but I couldn't. So I drove myself to the hospital where they hooked me up to the monitors and couldn't find her heart beat. That's when I started to panic. The doctor came in with the ultrasound machine and told me there was no heartbeat or blood flow and that she had passed, I'm pretty sure she was waiting for me to cry but I couldn't. I felt so numb and in shock I just told her I needed to make a phone call. I called my boyfriend and my parents they showed up and that's when everything hit me. The next day I went into surgery and delivered her via c section. The doctor told me the cord was wrapped around her neck tightly 3 times and he's 99% sure that's what took her life. But oh she's was so perfect. She looked so beautiful. For every minute I held her I kept hoping I would see her chest move but it didn't. They gave me time to love her little body and count all her little fingers and toes. Then they took her away. I've come to peace with the loss but the pain is still there. I know she's watching down over me and sending love. Now that it's been 3 years I've decided I'm ready for another child. I'm currently pregnant with my second (33weeks) and am so happy. The doctors are taking great care and monitoring me closely so I never have to go through this pain again.
    I honestly hope you can find the same peace as I have and please know it's ok to grieve, you not have to be strong always. I'll be lighting a candle tonight in memory of our angels and all the little angels that we're take too soon
  • I lost my little girl Quinn last Monday 10/5 at 38 weeks. Knowing I had to go through a normal birth, which I was already terrified of, without a sweet sweet baby to look forward to holding was torture. Her cord was wrapped tightly around her a ankles three times.
    The grief is so consuming and blaming myself is where I still am. While I hate that I have this in common with you ladies, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
  • @smaguire77 so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Quinn. Be patient and kind to yourself. You would have done everything and anything you could have for your daughter if you could, but it was out of you hands. Thinking of you and sending so many hugs your way. We are here for you!
  • I am so very sorry for your loss. Thoughts and hugs to you and your family.
    Married my rock - April 29, 2011
    BFP - June 4, 2011 EDD February 3, 2012
    Super T born @ 37 weeks - January 13, 2012
    Super T diagnosed with stage IV high risk Neuroblastoma nmyc-amp - January 2, 2013
    Super T cancer free - June 19, 2013
    Super T relapsed - January 2, 2014
    Super T earned his angel wings - January 3, 2014
     
    TTC for #2 beginning November 2014
    BFP #2 - Chemical Pregnancy - Confirmed May 29, 2015
    Diagnosed with PCOS; HSG - Clear; SA - Clear
    Clomid #1 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #2 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #3 - BFP 11/10/15 - EDD 07/14/16
     
     
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I am so sorry for all of your losses. This hurt is like no other. We shouldn't have to know what this is like. We should have our babies in our arms. Please know you are not alone. Hugs to you and your family.
  • I feel like I am walking in the same shoes I never thought I'd walk in. I've been looking to find someone who had a experience smiler to mind. I lost my baby girl Payton a week ago. 12/01/15. I was due 12/07 making me 39wks. I felt like she was coming , I just felt it in my body &I was ready for her.
    Thanksgiving she was kicking so much. A part of me what's to think it was because she was so happy because she always moved a lot. Then the part of me that's ripped apart feels like she was fighting for her life. My Payton was also born with her cord wrapped around both feet with a knot cutting off blood.
    I didn't feel any type of worry until Monday night when I went to laydown for the night. I usually feel her moving around at night because I'm up moving around durning the day. I hadn't really paid much attention to her movements that I'm now so regretting. I now believe the movement I felt durning the day wasn't her moving it was just contractions. I tried everything to get her to move nothing but my boyfriend reassure me everything was fine &maybe she was just sleeping since we was getting close.
    I went to sleep &We woke up a lil after 8 still nothing. So we went to the hospital and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I knew that night she was gone. I just knew it. I knew it the moment she put the heart monitor on she was gone. They tried and tried still nothing. At that moment I felt my whole life come crashing down. Then to think I still had to deliver her. I just wanted to go home and act like they are wrong and I'll go into labor and my baby girl will be alive , but it just didn't work that way.
    I think in the mist of everything I was really too numb with emotions to feel anything.
    They induced me on the 1st of December using something like cervidil to ripen my cervix , only it was like a little pill they put on my cervix every 4 hours. I never felt any pain only discomfort and pressure. I was giving a epidural before my last dose since he was already on the floor. After my 4 hours was up I was giving pitocin to start my contractions. I remember laying there watching the poler express thinking this can't be happening. I was giving something to help me sleep.
    I was woken up to check my cervix around I think 8ish when the nurse I had in the daytime came in. My water had broken and she could feel her head once she went to check. They called the doctor and when prep for delivery. It felt like a life time waiting on him. The nurse had me give her 3 hard push them called him to labor and delivery. I was crying and just couldn't bring myself to push. He pushed on me a few times had me push once she just slides right out. Lifeless. As soon as she was placed on me I bust out crying almost screaming when I seen her trapped like that.
    We wasn't sure what had caused her death until then taking the fact I had a health pregnancy.
    When I calmed down &was ready to see her she was the most Beautful baby I had ever laid eyes on. She looked so peaceful. I wanted her to wake up so bad. My heart aches for her. She was born Wednesday December 2nd and we laid her to rest that Friday December 4th. I feel so isolated. My whole life was revolving around her. Taking care of her , breastfeeding her, my life was all about her. I have no clue what to do from here. I understand your hurt and I am very sorry for your loss. Hopeful you can share how your handling your lost.
  • @mariesober - I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Be patient and kind to yourself - your grief is still so fresh. I lost my 1st child, my son, over a year ago due to a cord accident. Thinking of you at this time and sending so many hugs your way. The pain and heartache are so overwhelming in the beginning, but I'm here to tell you the pain does lessen with time. You will never forget or stop loving your beautiful baby girl.
  • It has been 74 days since our life was turned upside down.

    I still shake my head in complete disbelief that this has / is happening. I have learned that the hurt, sadness, anger, confusion never go away. You "learn" to live with it.

    Regular cemetery visits have replaced what should have been visits to the park to watch her big sister play.

    My 4 yr old seems to struggle with the entire concept. She believes the baby is coming home Christmas. She often talks about putting her wings on, flying up to heaven and bringing her home. Her sentiments are our sentiments but it is heartbreaking to hear her talk about how bad she wanted/wants a little baby sister.

    Milestones and baby firsts will always be especially hard. What should have beens and the what ifs, tear holes in your heart over and over.

    Most days I (we) manage to get by and consider ourselves to be doing ok. But there are days when you feel like you are back at day 1 and the tears and emotions just seem to take over.

    You will get there. The place where you can function but it is also a place that she will always be.

    I never stop thinking of her. If I had just one wish, I would wish her....here with the three of us.



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