MIL rant

nimmunogirl

My mother in law is wonderful and I'm excited she is going to stay with us to help for 10 days, however, I am now starting to wonder how helpful she will be. She kept talking how she is going to do nighttime feelings so I can sleep and seemed upset when I told her that my plan is to breast feed and that I won't have much a supply or reason to give expressed breast milk in the first couple weeks. She told me how my husband and his brother were formula fed and did just fine and how formula would be so much easier on me. She also went on to say that I need to be more open to help.

I agree with her that formula would be so much easier, but I really want to give breast feeding a shot. I'm prepping myself to not be dissapointed if I end up having to supplement with formula for medical reasons, but because it is more convinient and so that MIL can feed the baby is not a reason to not breastfeed, especially when I am on maternity leave.

We were also talking about going to SAMs when she is here. I mentioned she could borrow my car. Her response was that she can stay home cuddling her granddaughter while I run to the store. I just said that we will see how it pans out. I'm don't think I want to do much driving when I'm going to be sleep deprived.

Feels good to get this off my chest! Hubby doesn't get why those comments bother me so much.

aleecats

They bother you because (correct me if I'm wrong) when she said help you figured she meant literal help not help cuddling your baby, because you want to do that.
I get it, my grandmother is coming up for a month to help me, she respects all my choices and is content to just cook and keep me company and help only when I ask but I've found ways to make sure she's helping while being included.
With the trip to SAMs maybe both of you go, she can drive and help you with the baby while you shop together, that's what I intend to do with my grandmother. And stay firm on the breastfeeding if she continues to bring up formula repeat the same thing over and over again each time she asks (like "I know you want to help but I've made the choice I feel is best for LO, please respect my desicion as I will not be changing it.") and maybe offer a compromise like "how about after I'm done feeding her you can burp her and/or change her?"

She seems like she wants to help she just needs a little guidance and reassurance as to HOW she should be helping

oceanlove13

I had this same situation with my first with my MIL and Mom "helping" for 6 weeks and they ended up not being very helpful. They just wanted to take care of the baby so I could sleep. We ended up bottle feeding pumped breast milk while they were here, but I couldn't sleep anyways when they were here. I ended up doing all of the house chores, making meals and errands and felt even more exhausted to the point I said no more help! I even started to feel like I never got to hold my own baby! I learned that I need to put my foot down. This time around if I need help they can come and clean or run errands for me. I'm not giving up my precious few weeks with my new baby! Good Luck with your situation. Just be clear on what you need help with. It's your house and your baby.

sarapagan

I can totally relate except we are a little backwards from your situation...

We are in the process of renovating our new home and they have taken longer than anticipated. So the lease on our rental condo is now up and we have had to move out. Our new house is closer to my in-laws than my parents, so they offered to let us stay with them until the renovations are complete "and even after the baby comes". I'm sorry. I love my in-laws and they are great. But I don't want to stay there after I have the baby!!! I want to be able to come home from the hospital to my own home and have her room ready to go! My MIL has also expressed a little "weirdness" at my breastfeeding my daughter (as she did when I breastfed my son 4 years ago...). Nothing negative, really...just how she didn't understand why not just formula feed so everyone can pitch in, etc....

I'm just hoping these renovations are done by the time this little girl comes. I just want my own place again!!! 37 weeks today...

jefinley1

I think there is a disconnect in generations with the whole breastfeeding thing. So many women were told or even practically forced to use formula for their babies (my grandmother told a story about her step-mother being made to bind her breasts after the birth of her child because formula was supposed to be better in spite of being engorged and in pain ). Other women, like my MIL, seem to think formula is somehow easier on the mom. A lot of it seems to stem from the big push toward detachment parenting, cry it out, and don't spoil the baby philosophies of our parents' generation. 

Personally, I think that in many ways, formula sounds like a huge pain compared to breastfeeding! Then again, I hate doing dishes, so to me formula just sounds like more work... My understanding is that the idea that tons of women have supply issues is pretty unfounded, and the overwhelming majority of women will have few issues, most of which can be quickly resolved with a good lactation consultant. Of course there are exceptions, and individual women always should have the choice of what they feel is best for them and their child. But please don't get discouraged or give up on something you want because of your MIL. My MIL has been throwing around "if you cans" and "you need to think about yourself toos" that can be discouraging. It's just a different way of thinking, and I think a lot of it is based in the fact that breastfeeding is so widely accepted as the better option by far now, so there is a little bit of defensiveness about their choice when they had kids to use formula. 

Know that you cannot spoil a newborn. They aren't quite capable of emotional manipulation yet And they need bonding time with you more than anyone else! So protect that, and make it clear that you would love help, and here is a list of things that you will need help with. If she accuses you of not accepting help again, just say, "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry if you got that impression! I'm going to be bonding with baby, but if you're willing to help, here is a whole list of things that would be so amazing!" What's she going to say to that that won't make her sound like a total jackass? "No, I don't want to do actual work, woman who just gave birth. I would prefer to hold your baby while YOU do laundry and dishes." You'll have backed her into a kindness corner. 

I was given this at a lactation class, and I think it's great. If she bashes breastfeeding again, I would just tell her that it's actually what your doctor recommends, and you would love if she would read through this before she jumps to conclusions. If the link doesn't work, type it in. It gets weird with the pdf.

breaststart.org/grandparents.pdf

nimmunogirl

Thank you so much for all the input. @aleecats, thanks for the suggestions. I guess as a FTM I am not sure what help I need. But having her help me burp and change the baby and going shopping together is a great suggestion.

@oceanlove13, hope this time you have a better experience during the first weeks with your little one! That sounds really stressful!

@sarapagan, hope you get to move to your own house!

@jefinley1, I think you hit the nail on the head with regards to the generational thing. My MIL just doesn't get it, despite me talking about the benefits. You would think she would trust my judgement being that I am pediatrician!

Louisl

@jefinley1 you nailed it. Have you watched the documentary Breastmilk? I think it was in there (I've watched a few BF docs!) that they mentioned how we don't have a culture of breastfeeding in this country anymore and haven't for a couple generations, and it's caused a ripple effect of women not seeing it in everyday life, and not learning from their mothers and grandmothers the fundamentals. And this lack of knowledge has had the negative effect of making women feel they have supply issues when it could be fixable. I just sent that link to my mom. Even though she's supportive I think she doesn't really get why I'm so determined to BF. And my MIL has repeatedly told me DH are so much as a baby that I should be prepared with "boxes and boxes of formula". Sigh....

Scijav

I understand your frustration! We have the first grand baby on both sides and its like they think its their baby. I never asked for any help because when they tried to help it was the same thing, I will come watch the baby so you can sleep. Instead they were here all the time and inviting people over so they could show off their grandkid. I was exhausted. I had the battles with BFing as well, I tried pumping and bottles when she was around 6 weeks but my LO wont take a bottle at all. You need to make sure hubby is willing to back you up and you will have to put your foot down, which totally sucks because you are exhausted. The sooner you do it though the easier it will be. Explain to her that this is an experience for you and DH and that you appreciate her help but you will need lots of alone time with your baby (and DH) to cherish these moments. I would try to politely (but firmly) say that you and DH have to figure out how you want to raise your child, and its your choice and she needs to respect that, and that if you have questions you will ask her. Try to create errands for her to do on a regular basis so that you get some alone time, lol. Good luck! It will be fine!

nimmunogirl

@Scijav, both my mom and MIL leave in another state and return tickets have been bought, so if it gets unbearable, I know there only be a few days to go. I feel bad feeling this way because they are just so excited to meet the baby. Hopefully it goes way better than I expect!

jefinley1

Louisl said:

@jefinley1 you nailed it. Have you watched the documentary Breastmilk? I think it was in there (I've watched a few BF docs!) that they mentioned how we don't have a culture of breastfeeding in this country anymore and haven't for a couple generations, and it's caused a ripple effect of women not seeing it in everyday life, and not learning from their mothers and grandmothers the fundamentals. And this lack of knowledge has had the negative effect of making women feel they have supply issues when it could be fixable. I just sent that link to my mom. Even though she's supportive I think she doesn't really get why I'm so determined to BF. And my MIL has repeatedly told me DH are so much as a baby that I should be prepared with "boxes and boxes of formula". Sigh....

I haven't, but our midwife center had a fantastic breastfeeding class taught by a very experienced nurse and lactation consultant. I didn't realize just how much the previous generation was unfamiliar with breastfeeding as my mom did it and loved the experience. Before having children she worked for a CPA firm, and they set up a breastfeeding room for her and everything. She was one of the only women, and apparently the guys were super supportive. But I never realized that by asking for that and for planning on breastfeeding at all in a working environment, that apparently even in 1990 she was not the norm and it was a big deal that she breastfed until I was telling her how foreign the concept was to my MIL and how combative and negative she was about it. I'm glad you like the article! Sometimes it's helpful just to have someone or something else affirm what you're saying, and I thought that was really well worded. 

@nimmunogirl So you already know about all of the BF benefits! Haha. I just feel so bad when women feel like other matriarchs are trying to take away their ability to learn to parent themselves. I think our culture also somewhere forgot about the wonderful process of loving on both the baby AND the new mother to help solidify their very important bond, which is so sad! There seems to be a lot less respect for the role of simply Mother, in the most biological sense of the word. I have such an amazing mom that I haven't experienced this at all. She just encourages. It always takes me back and makes me a little mad when people like my MIL or other people's female figures try to make it sound like they're some authority based on bad advice from their parenting style 30 years ago. 

rms924

I agree that there is a whole generational difference when it comes to baby rearing...I've had convos with both my mom and my MIL on this stuff.

My mom was so insistent that the baby was going to choke if I put him on his back to sleep, and that my brother and I were fine sleeping on our stomachs. I tried the educational route, but when that didn't work, I basically told her that this is what we are doing regardless of her opinion. She knows I would go crazy on her if she defied me, so I know she'd toe the line. 

My MIL is another case altogether. First she tried to convince DH that we needed to add cereal to baby's formula to help him sleep...I had never heard of this? And I've done a lot of research. I also spent countless hours interviewing peds: that means I have someone I trust, who is way more educated on this stuff. And never has my ped mentioned anything about adding cereal...so DH comes to me and says "oh my mom says we should add cereal to the baby's milk." I basically told him no. We are breastfeeding. That is complete and perfect nutrition for our baby, and I am not adding anything unless our ped recommends it. When MIL heard this, she was upset. 

We are waging the same battle now with kissing the baby on the mouth. We don't want anyone kissing the baby on the mouth. Or face for that matter. I am not planning on doing it myself! So we tried to be gentle and let her know that the first 8 weeks are critical etc. and that we are enforcing this rule. Well, she does her quick calculation and says oh that's fine, he will turn 8 weeks in the last week we are visiting, so it should be fine then. NO. I don't want you doing that period. It's freaking weird. it's not about some magic countdown that will change how I feel. I honestly don't think I can leave her and the baby unsupervised. 

@nimmunogirl I think I hijacked your thread, but I so related to your frustration, I couldn't help myself. I am not sure what the answer is, but sometimes I find myself wishing for a huge storm that would prevent everyone from coming to visit for a good 5 or 6 mo...give us and the baby to get ourselves together. 

erinboehme

I so understand where you're coming from! My MIL came to help after baby #4, but her form of help was, "What's your plan for dinner?" "Here's the laundry you need to put away" (that I purposely was ignoring) "What time do you need to bathe the children?" "I'll just stay here while you go run some errands" This time I purposely did not invite her, despite her "hints" that she would really like me to.

She just told us she bought tickets for when baby is 2 weeks old. I was content to sit in my house in our own filth (not really) eating my frozen meals for as long as I wanted to without having to impress anyone. Now I'm going to have to keep my house in tip-top shape (she's a nurse and everything must smell like clorox at all times or she won't touch it) in order to prepare for her arrival. I'm not thrilled. She has very specific food issues and none of my freezer meals follow her way of eating because SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE COMING! I apologize. Rant over.

JaqiDec04

erinboehme said:

She just told us she bought tickets for when baby is 2 weeks old. I was content to sit in my house in our own filth (not really) eating my frozen meals for as long as I wanted to without having to impress anyone. Now I'm going to have to keep my house in tip-top shape (she's a nurse and everything must smell like clorox at all times or she won't touch it) in order to prepare for her arrival. I'm not thrilled. She has very specific food issues and none of my freezer meals follow her way of eating because SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE COMING! I apologize. Rant over.

She can clean up whatever bothers her and feed/cook/shop for herself. And either you and DH should make this clear.

My MIL and FIL are neat freaks. The house is clean to my standards and that's it. If they don't like it, they can clean or leave. And this is how I feel even when there isn't a newborn in my household.

I refuse to be shamed or judged in my own home.

EllieB82

My MIL and FIL did spend the night with us a couple times and just kept the baby with them and came and got me when he woke up to eat - but it was very helpful since every little noise they make woke us up. And they would come spend an afternoon with us and do the same so we could catch an uninterrupted nap. Maybe she could help you in that fashion? Good luck!

mom4liak

Sometimes "help" is actually more work for you. I experienced that with my first and I felt I was failing as a mother because it seemed to me that I couldn't do anything right. I was cooking for extra people, cleaning up after extra people, laundry for extra people, ect and I was so tired and sore all the time. When I would try to breastfeed I don't think I could relax enough to get myself or son comfortable and he would just cry and cry. Then my MIL would come and take him and calm him down and once again I felt like a complete failure who couldn't even provide nutrients to her newborn child or make him feel safe.
When I reached my breaking point I actually packed a bag for me and my son and went to my moms house which was a few hours away. My mom let me just be a mom with no other household demands or need to host other people. I ended up having a very successful breastfeeding experience with him and within a few days no longer felt incompetent as a mother. I think this helped put things in perspective with my other children when they were born and I politely declined everyone's "help". With this LO, my hubby and I have decided no visitors at home for the first 2 weeks. We need time to adjust and figure out life with a new baby as a family of 6 without the added stress of others coming and going.
Good luck and remember to stick to your desires. Don't let your MIL change your mind during a moment of exhaustion and weakness.

krae771

I would not let anyone stay at my house unless I thought they would actually help with what I needed help with.  Otherwise, they can visit for a couple of hours and then go home.  The last thing you need is someone else to create more work for you.

My mom stayed the 2nd week after the baby was born when my husband went back to work and she was so helpful.  She helped with things like cooking, cleaning, and laundry.  She also would get up in the night w/ me when I had to breastfeed and when I was done, she would take the baby and settle him down for sleep so I could get more rest.  We went on errands and to the lactation consultant together, which was helpful because I was still scared at that point to go anywhere by myself with the baby.  It was great and so helpful to have her there.

I agree w/ what a lot of the other posters have said about suggesting ways she can help you that are actually helpful.  If she comes around, she might really take a load off of your back. If she is not cooperating or making your life harder, you need to ask her to leave (really your husband should, since it's his mother!)  I think my MIL would be partially helpful (but also be the type to just want to hold the baby all of the time) but I don't feel comfortable enough to have her stay at my house like that so instead we just have them come up for the afternoon and I utilized her later for babysitting when I had to go to my own doctor's appts, etc.

nimmunogirl

Thanks for the support. My MIL leaves in another state and it is flying, so coming for the afternoon and such would not be feasible. I don't know if my husband talked to her or not, but since posting this, she changed a bit. Instead of saying "I can't wait to hold the baby" she says "I am excited for you to be a mommy," "I bet you can't wait to meet your daughter." She also hasn't told my hubby she can't imagine him changing a diaper and that she is going to have to video type him. Like he is not nervous enough about being a first time dad...

My husband also pointed out that my in laws are coming for a couple weeks when I go back to work to help him and at that point, baby girl should be eating pumped breast milk, so MIL can help with feelings then.

As a FTM it is hard to know when I want people in the house and when I don't. Everything about this is going to be a learning experience!

kstitt0830

You're actually not medically cleared to be driving at all after birth for your post pardum period because of the blood clotting/loss risks...also formula is not easier especially at night because that you have to get up and prepare as formula only lasts an hour once it's made and your boob you can just whip out and bam your feeding your baby on demand! You don't want to set yourself up to rely on help for night time feedings especially since she is only there for 10 days not 10months!

casey132

Thats so frustrating! I totally understand how crazy mils (amd other family!!) Can be!
Last week my bf and I went to go visit his mom. While we were there she brought us in the kitchen and showed us a shelf she had cleaned out and filled with bottles and formula. I was so confused, we had told her our plans to breastfeed.. she was so excited about having all this formula so that she could feed baby while we are visiting and we were like uhhhh.... no... she got so upset when we told her that she can't feed our baby formula! She started going off about how all 3 of her boys were formula fed and turned out just fine, which is totally true. But breastfeeding is one thing we feel strongly about wanting to do and the fact that she wants to try to formula feed our baby is just so upsetting! She tried to say that maybe the baby could just use formula when we are visiting her.. my bf responded by telling her that if she felt that way then we wouldn't be visiting her. I felt bad but seriously this woman wants to go against us like that??! Ughhh I've just been so upset by that! I feel like breastfeeding was a huge deal and then formula got improved so women just began to use formula but now the importance of breast milk is back and many women just don't understand! ( I'm not saying formula is bad, I have absolutely no issue with people choosing to formula feed, but breast feeding is just something I want to try, and who knows maybe it won't work out and I'll need to formula feed!)
Ughhhh why do people have to go against new mom's when it comes to their own baby?!!

nimmunogirl

@casey132, that is so frustrating! I am glad your BF stood up for you and the baby!

Louisl

casey132 said:

Thats so frustrating! I totally understand how crazy mils (amd other family!!) Can be!
Last week my bf and I went to go visit his mom. While we were there she brought us in the kitchen and showed us a shelf she had cleaned out and filled with bottles and formula. I was so confused, we had told her our plans to breastfeed.. she was so excited about having all this formula so that she could feed baby while we are visiting and we were like uhhhh.... no... she got so upset when we told her that she can't feed our baby formula! She started going off about how all 3 of her boys were formula fed and turned out just fine, which is totally true. But breastfeeding is one thing we feel strongly about wanting to do and the fact that she wants to try to formula feed our baby is just so upsetting! She tried to say that maybe the baby could just use formula when we are visiting her.. my bf responded by telling her that if she felt that way then we wouldn't be visiting her. I felt bad but seriously this woman wants to go against us like that??! Ughhh I've just been so upset by that! I feel like breastfeeding was a huge deal and then formula got improved so women just began to use formula but now the importance of breast milk is back and many women just don't understand! ( I'm not saying formula is bad, I have absolutely no issue with people choosing to formula feed, but breast feeding is just something I want to try, and who knows maybe it won't work out and I'll need to formula feed!)
Ughhhh why do people have to go against new mom's when it comes to their own baby?!!

Why is the argument always "I formula fed my (x #) of kids and they're just fine"...?! Um im not aiming for "just fine"! I'm not igniting a debate over which is better, just saying why do they always word it like that? At least say, my kids turned out fantastic, or something more than "just fine".

MirandaC1984

Louisl said:

Thats so frustrating! I totally understand how crazy mils (amd other family!!) Can be! Last week my bf and I went to go visit his mom. While we were there she brought us in the kitchen and showed us a shelf she had cleaned out and filled with bottles and formula. I was so confused, we had told her our plans to breastfeed.. she was so excited about having all this formula so that she could feed baby while we are visiting and we were like uhhhh.... no... she got so upset when we told her that she can't feed our baby formula! She started going off about how all 3 of her boys were formula fed and turned out just fine, which is totally true. But breastfeeding is one thing we feel strongly about wanting to do and the fact that she wants to try to formula feed our baby is just so upsetting! She tried to say that maybe the baby could just use formula when we are visiting her.. my bf responded by telling her that if she felt that way then we wouldn't be visiting her. I felt bad but seriously this woman wants to go against us like that??! Ughhh I've just been so upset by that! I feel like breastfeeding was a huge deal and then formula got improved so women just began to use formula but now the importance of breast milk is back and many women just don't understand! ( I'm not saying formula is bad, I have absolutely no issue with people choosing to formula feed, but breast feeding is just something I want to try, and who knows maybe it won't work out and I'll need to formula feed!) Ughhhh why do people have to go against new mom's when it comes to their own baby?!!

Why is the argument always "I formula fed my (x #) of kids and they're just fine"...?! Um im not aiming for "just fine"! I'm not igniting a debate over which is better, just saying why do they always word it like that? At least say, my kids turned out fantastic, or something more than "just fine".

Absolutely. Your children turned out just fine and guess what? This is not the only parenting decision I am going ot make that is different from yours. How would they have felt if someone would have said the same things to them as a new mom? It bothers me to no end.

jefinley1

@Louisl I'm convinced it's because deep down they feel like when we say we want to breastfeed because of the incredible health benefits, we're also saying that they didn't do everything they should have by using formula. I don't know that feeling guilty is the right word, but probably a bit judged even if that isn't our intention. At least that's the vibe I've gotten. Definitely doesn't excuse it, but I try to use that to not take it too personally just for myself. I guess it's kind of like we're saying "Not only will you not get to feed the baby at all, limiting you cuddle time, it's because I'm doing it better than you did." So I think in the future, while being firm on my stance, I'm also going to try to be affirming of my MIL's job as a parent. I mean I do think my husband is pretty awesome.

Louisl

@jefinley1 that is a very good, evolved, and non hormonal way to look at it. I will try to follow your lead! I think you're right. It's probably not the easiest for them to feel a bit judged (right or wrong on that) and like they'll have less bonding time.

jefinley1

@Louisl before you give me too much credit, I did say try.... Haha.