Seeking advice

mechekitty

Good morning Ladies! I have a little problem and I would greatly appreciate your advice. I currently live with another couple as a live-in nanny for a 7mo boy when the mom deploys. The father and I are good friends and as such make jokes/fun of each other. They had their neighbors over the other night, and I made a slight jab about how his pride will get him hurt (as he has done before). He responded with the comment, "good luck with your fatherless child."

I know I shouldn't be so sensitive, but this is not the first time someone has said this to me. It's no secret I will be a single mother, and I'm expecting hurtful comments in my future. I really do try to brush it off and pretend it doesn't bother me for the sake of social etiquette. I just never expected someone I consider a good friend to say that, in front of company nonetheless!

My question for you all is how do I handle comments like these without being snarky back? I am a very forgiving person, and I want to set a good example for my child on how to handle bullying and mean comments. I don't want to overreact, but I don't think comments like these are appropriate, and I feel they should be addressed as such.

imrachellea

Comments like that aren't appropriate, even if they are "expected". If you are friends with him, then you should probably have a serious conversation about how what he said hurt you. Do not let anyone say that your sensitivity is just hormonal, it is a legitimate concern and we should stop having our hormones being blamed when people can't think before opening their mouths. I'm sorry you had that said to you, it's not right in any circumstance.

Ready4theParty

As his employee you shouldn't have made that comment in front of the neighbors and I would seriously reconsider the relationship you have with the him in general.

Who's comany was it? Not yours, his and his wifes. You just live there as a perk of the job. I wouldn't tolerate my nanny talking to me that way in front of my neighbor no matter what kind of relationship I had with the nanny or the neighbors.

There is nothing wrong with being a single parent. However you are about to be put in an awkward situation when the wife deploys. Your single and there is no boyfriend/husband in sight and your employer is now doing the single dad thing. I'd be more prepared for the ridicule of being the other woman than being a single mom.

Two wrongs don't make a right, and he shouldn't have said that but he was putting you in your place.

mechekitty

@Ready4theParty you are correct, I should not have said what I did in front of their company. I did apologize afterward for my comment. It was ignored, but I attempted to correct my wrong.

I suppose I should clarify the 'relationship' a bit. We were friends before I went to live with them. They offered me a spot in their home to help with my expenses and their child as the father is recovering from multiple surgeries and cannot take care of his child alone. I met with the wife extensively before she made the offer, as she would be the one trusting me with the care of her child and husband. I know this arrangement will get crazy looks and ridicule, but our relationship will never progress past being friends. I don't agree with many of his behaviors and find his attitudes very negative. I am also never going to pursue a 'bedroom relationship' with a married man. Not to mention the fact that I am simply not what he is attracted to. Many military couples have to make unpopular arrangements in times of need when the situation demands it.

@imrachellea I am certainly planning on addressing it, I just wanted to make sure I approached it correctly. Thankfully he is a friend and not a complete stranger. I'm not sure how I would handle a comment like that if a random individual said it to me.

Ready4theParty

The clarity is appreciated. I still stand by my previous comment. I understand military personnel make unpopular decisions. I don't think you should expect him or her to accept your apology anytime soon and should just let it go.

No he should not have said what he did. However he is probably well aware of the status quo and what it will be/look like once the wife deploys and your belly starts growing. You made a joke at him much like what a wife or gf would, which doesn't help that situation any

AmadorRose

I'm in the school of thinking that it doesn't matter what your relationship looks like. Military wives are known for their nasty, mean gossip, especially towards an "outsider" as you are neither military yourself nor a military spouse. It's a small community and often there's nothing better for many people to do than gossip. If they have negative things to say, I wouldn't put any stock in it. What actually matters is your relationship with the whole family. If you are doing right, you have no reason to feel guilty.
While you may have taken a jab at his pride, I feel that his comment is completely out of line. You shouldn't have to expect negative comments for being a single mother - it's the 21st freaking century! While this is not something you should just let slide, know that you may or may not get a sincere apology out of him. His wife is about to leave him for several months as a single dad who isn't physically capable of caring for himself and his child. That would be a hard pill to swallow for any man. The situation is emasculating, plus he may or may not be able to talk to his wife with any regularity depending on where's she's at. It's going to take some time for him to adjust and you might have to tiptoe for a bit.

Edit: words are hard.

karmana

@amadorrose : Your statements about military wives are stereotypical and, unfortunately, not true. You decide on the company you keep so if you choose to associate with people who are rude and gossip then that's how you will perceive your situation. Perhaps you should find more mature people to hang around with. 

The fact that there are many "kids having kids" in the military community, it compounds the problems you are talking about and gives a high school atmosphere. Try making older friends or friends outside of the military community.

RoseShadow873

That was a mean comment! I also think you should talk to him and establish that some things should be off limits to joke about.

NachosAndPeaches

karmana said:

@amadorrose : Your statements about military wives are stereotypical and, unfortunately, not true. You decide on the company you keep so if you choose to associate with people who are rude and gossip then that's how you will perceive your situation. Perhaps you should find more mature people to hang around with. 

The fact that there are many "kids having kids" in the military community, it compounds the problems you are talking about and gives a high school atmosphere. Try making older friends or friends outside of the military community.

This. I never had negative experiences ever with my fellow military spouses.

I think there are two situations here. One is the relationship with your employer, the other is helping you be prepared for hurtful comments from strangers. Since others commented on the relationship already I'll go with the latter. I think a good response is something along the lines of just saying how blessed you are and you and your child will have each other. If you want to be snarky you can say "better me than you I suppose". And then smile like you're teasing. But it will get your point across. Not the same situation but it seems moms of multiples encounter negative comments from strangers (wow double trouble) and have found ways to combat it by saying those types of responses such as "oh you mean double blessings" or the good ole "better me than you".

AmadorRose

What I meant by my comment is that a typical lower-enlisted member's wife is generally too young to be able to put herself in someone else's shoes and often - not always - hasn't yet developed an identity of her own, therefore turning to gossip as a main source of entertainment. It's not meant to be a generalization about all military spouses, because my husband is awesome, but to say that these people don't exist is pointless because they do. We don't spend a lot of time with my coworkers or their spouses because we don't share similar values. I do not make friends with people that I work with. If the friends I make outside of work happen to have a military affiliation, I don't care. I am glad you didn't have these negative experiences but I have seen enough of this drama to have no desire to associate with the wives of coworkers, ever. This is why I advise staying away from that community if she is already feeling vulnerable and attacked. She will find better support outside of the women whose SOs work with her SO and therefore have more reason to gossip about her.

JadaBlue

I'm kind of surprised anyone thinks the father's response was appropriate.  I have household staff and in the unlikely event one of them took a jab at me in front of others I would address it with them afterwards in a private setting (and not by making disparaging remarks about their personal life).  I can't imagine that he made himself look good in front of his company (unless they are equally childish).

In your case I would raise it with the father in a calm manner and let him know that he hurt your feelings and suggest that going forward the two of you need to recommit to treating one another in a respectful manner.  As long as you're his employee I would back off from the "friendship" (friends don't sarcastically wish one another luck with their "fatherless" babies).  I don't know what your options are, but personally I would look for another job and living situation.

As for future comments you might get, I like the Carolyn Hax deadpan "wow" followed by silence which you can let them fill.  Then calmly let them know you're not going to engage in discussion with them on that topic and either walk away or introduce a new topic of conversation as appropriate.  This allows you to stand up for yourself without getting into a useless debate or making comments which you might regret later.

mayrae4

His comment was a monumentally dick thing to say. It should be considered especially hurtful coming from a friend who should know better. He took a low jab at you and worse, did it in front of strangers. You have every right to put him in his place, just do so when you have a moment alone with him.

ktqueenie

Treat others how you wish to be treated. Lead by example.

RoseShadow873

This is not a military wife thing though, it's a military husband. She said the mom is in the military and the husband is a civilian. I don't think she said they were lower enlisted either. I thought they might be officers honestly since they are able to hire someone to live with them and help take care of their kids.

mitzds21

I would talk to your friend and let him know how that made you feel, and let him know that you understand how difficult it will be without a partner. I think men in general are insensitive, and since you hurt his ego with that comment you made, he was just biting back. I have a sister who is a single mother and I know the first two years were very difficult for her, it's now been three years, and once in a while, a comment will come from me, like "I don't have to worry about that because my child will have a father", I don't mean anything bad by that comment and I feel bad afterwards, because all I meant is that some things will be easier because my husband will be with me. My nephew sometimes calls me mom, dad, or by my name lol so I am always around trying to help my sister. Hang in there, it will be tough but just remember, if you snap at someone and they snap at you, don't take it personally, after all, they would have never said that if you didn't snap first. Just human nature.