Advice on MIL who feel "entitled" to new baby — The Bump
3rd Trimester

Advice on MIL who feel "entitled" to new baby

My MIL has already proven to be the grandma who feels entitled to her grandchildren. She comes on VERY strong and does not take no for an answer. My worries are that after my baby is born, she will hog him in the hospital and once we are home she will try to be at our house every single day. She lives two hours away, so I know she will use that has a guilt factor, even though she comes in town all of the time. If any grandparent is entitled, it's my father because he has done everything for the baby, my husband and I while she has done nothing for us. So it will be very frustrating.


I want to hear your stories on your "entitled" MILs and how you handled the situation!

Re: Advice on MIL who feel "entitled" to new baby

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  • Just have DH set boundaries. 
    I will say I don't think any one/ set of grandparents is more "entitled" to see a grandchild. I would SERIOUSLY caution you against playing favorites with the grandparents. I have a very overbearing, intrusive, selfish MIL. We definitely set boundaries with her, ( no we will not see her every weekend, she cannot come over unannounced, ect), but at the same time she is excited for his arrival, and it would be unfair to her and my child to favor my parents over her.

    In terms of the hospital, have your husband tell her beforehand that the visit will not be long. If you feel the visit is running long, just asking for LO back to nurse, or have your husband let her know that you need to rest. 
    sarahsnowballlakesideknitter
  • WOW. I didn't know I was going to get that kind of response. Obviously I shouldn't have stated my story and just asked the final question. I guess I should have stated her previous actions with my nieces as background information. I want EVERYONE to have a fair share at my baby. Not just my mother in law. And maybe I'm a bit over protective, so I guess that makes me come off as a brat? I did not say my father pays for everything. I said he has done more, as in his support and attending baby-related things when she does not.
    Jmw6tUseTheTriforce94
  • BigboobsmcgeeBigboobsmcgee member
    edited September 2015
    WOW. I didn't know I was going to get that kind of response. Obviously I shouldn't have stated my story and just asked the final question. I guess I should have stated her previous actions with my nieces as background information. I want EVERYONE to have a fair share at my baby. Not just my mother in law. And maybe I'm a bit over protective, so I guess that makes me come off as a brat? I did not say my father pays for everything. I said he has done more, as in his support and attending baby-related things when she does not.

    You never know what kind of response you'll get when you share things with random strangers on the internet. Doesn't matter what your intentions were with this post, you sound like you are talking about a material object, not your baby. You don't know if things will be frustrating. Your baby isn't even here yet. We should be saying WOW to you dude.
    kynbar5kittyberetlakesideknitter
  • Yikes... I understand what you're saying, you've had a better relationship and feel more supported by your father not you MIL... I think you explained it just fine.

    Anyway, mine was expecting to be at the birth. The only advice I can give you is set boundaries. We have told them that we only want peope to visit once were in recovery. she is a wonderful woman and I love her but I know I'll have to ask for baby back and tell her how I feel. I really want them to have a good relationship so it will be a work in process but I just know I need to let her know what I'm feeling and need if I want things to not stress me out.
    tstew96kaitlinforrestMerroneymariaUseTheTriforce94
  • My in laws have full run of my husband's nephews (his sisters chidren) and their behavior is horrible. Their bondaries are a mess and SIL goes to them all the time (mind you she has a husband who is a great guy). I fear what the hell is gonna happen when my little girl comes into the picture. I feel like they expect my girl will be sleeping over all the time and that they will see them almost daily (like they do the nephews). They are super nice people and have aways been good to us but I don't see the relationships with the nephews as healthy. The parenting bundaries are all blurred and we don't want that for our new family. I've put this on my husband to "put his foot down" with them and kind of start having those conversations and comments. I know this is going to be an ongoing issue until they get it but it's better to nip it in the bud early as possible.
    tstew96kristen2bChiccoBeanzkaitlinforrest
  • Meanwhile, my SMIL and FIL couldn't care less about our little baby.  It's heartbreaking.

    It may annoy you, but count your blessings, sister.
    Me: 34  DH: 35
    Married 2010
    TTC: Feb 2014, BFP 7/14/14, CP 7/18/14
    BFP 3/10/15 - DD #1 born 11/19
    TTC #2: Oct 2017, BFP 12/19/17, CP 12/22/17
    BFP 2/20/18 - EDD 10/31/2018
    kynbar5
  •  If any grandparent is entitled, it's my father because he has done everything for the baby, my husband and I while she has done nothing for us. So it will be very frustrating. I want to hear your stories on your "entitled" MILs and how you handled the situation!
    I don't think this is the way to determine who is "entitled" to anything. I agree with PP that granparents should be treated equally when it comes to contact with grandkids. (barring any serious issues) 

    I don't think you can compare the situation with your nieces and nephews unless you know that her help, advice and input are not wanted by your in-laws. Maybe that family is ok with her help. You said your SIL goes to her all the time. If you set boundaries with your husband and don't play favourites with your own family things should not get out of hand. 

    Set boundaries that your husband and you are comfortable with and let all grandparents know what they are. I assume you will want your family to have the same boundaries. Although I will always be a respectful  MIL when the time comes I surely hope my sons marry women who encourage involvement from both sides equally.
    kynbar5
  • Does the hospital have visiting hours or a limit to the # of visitor badges per room? The one I went to had a visitor badge limit per room so we had to schedule visitors in 1/2 hour blocks one afternoon/evening. I knew my SIL was going to "hog" the baby so we scheduled them to come right before other family showed up so she had to leave. Girl has had 3 babies of her own and still didn't want to give my baby back when he started rooting towards the end of the visit. I pretty much had to say, "Ok, he's hungry, time for you guys to go."

    People are very excited about your baby, and reasonably they want to come visit and hold the baby. But you have to be able to put your foot down and tell people to go away when you need them to.
    image    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I would enjoy it. I know you want time with your baby, but you will appreciate having the help once LO is here. You can set boundaries and limits, but also try to embrace the assistance so you can take showers, eat, have a few minutes to breathe. 

    I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.





    kynbar5
  • Being a first time mom, our baby is very fragile and so very important to me. I hate that people saw that as me being negative or treating my baby as a material object, although I wasn't. Thank you to those who have me some great advice! It's hard to go from being the submissive daughter in law, to begin wanting to put their foot down for the sake of my family.
    jamiem522Merroneymaria
  • Being a first time mom, our baby is very fragile and so very important to me. I hate that people saw that as me being negative or treating my baby as a material object, although I wasn't. Thank you to those who have me some great advice! It's hard to go from being the submissive daughter in law, to begin wanting to put their foot down for the sake of my family.

    Well this post is TOTALLY different from your first one. I hope you find the balance you are looking for.
    helsbels222kynbar5
  • My MIL has already proven to be the grandma who feels entitled to her grandchildren. She comes on VERY strong and does not take no for an answer. My worries are that after my baby is born, she will hog him in the hospital and once we are home she will try to be at our house every single day. She lives two hours away, so I know she will use that has a guilt factor, even though she comes in town all of the time. If any grandparent is entitled, it's my father because he has done everything for the baby, my husband and I while she has done nothing for us. So it will be very frustrating. I want to hear your stories on your "entitled" MILs and how you handled the situation!
    I know you already updated all of the commenters and viewers, but I just wanted to add. So apologies if I'm being annoying, because I know I find it annoying sometimes when people keep something going and I'm over it. 
       I think that you have 2 different situations going on here, but they do overlap. You feel that your Dad has been very supportive through out your pregnancy and like he really stepped up to be there for your and your family. From what you wrote, I'm getting the understanding that, that is what you mean when you say he is more "entitled", correct? I understand your sentiment, and I know many others who would view the situation the same way (If I am correctly understanding it).  I just think that "entitled" may not have been the best term to use. I'm sure you may feel a little more inclined to be more compromising and flexible with your dad as well because of all of the extra effort that you feel he has put forth no? This isn't an unreasonable way to feel or think. But you have to be careful as actions do speak louder than words from both the giving and receiving ends, and you don't want it to cause you more issues later.

       Now as for your MIL, you and you DH need to set boundaries with her. Just because she is in town, it does not mean that you are open to visitors. Whether you have a baby or not, that should be a rule of thumb, and something that she should respect. Your time isn't hers and she can't take it unless you give it to her. I agree with PPs and checking out your hospital's policies about visitors, and just make it known to all family what the policy is and that everyone has to be considerate of each other so that the FAMILY can see the baby during their visit. That way you addressed everyone respectfully without singling MIL out. It's great that she's so enthusiastic,  but just because other people who have commented have different situations with their in-laws than what you have going on with yours, doesn't mean that you have to feel bad or be grateful for the extra drama and stress. But do keep in mind that she could totally be disinterested and maybe use that perspective as a silver lining. Hopefully this helps. Good luck!
    aleecats
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