Brother in law wants to help with baby?

violetigerlily

My brother in law offered to stay with us for a few weeks to help out cooking/cleaning etc after the baby is born.  He's single, in his early 30's, and is kind of odd and quiet. He's the kind of guy who is very happy to live in a cabin in the woods alone, but as far as we knew not a kids/baby person, so the offer was really unexpected. It's the off season for the forestry stuff he does, so his schedule is pretty flexible. Our plan so far is for my husband and I to stay alone with the baby for the first two weeks, and then my MIL would stay with us for a week or two after that to help me out when DH goes back to work.  So the BIL would come down presumably after that if we take him up on his offer.  

I'm pretty torn.  On one hand, I'm sure I would feel less comfortable breastfeeding outside the nursery or my bedroom when he's around (I'd like to eventually get comfortable BFing in public but I'm guessing it will be even less comfortable with just my BIL and me our small house alone).  We get along pretty well aside from the quietness, and he has a super work ethic so I know if I gave him stuff to do he'd be all over it but I also don't know what we'll need that would keep him busy.  On the other hand, I have no idea what to expect a month into our first baby and maybe having someone willing to cook, clean, grocery shop and shovel snow regardless of it being a bit awkward would be really useful? We certainly are grateful for the offer. DH kind of wants to take him up on it but says it's up to me, since I'd be the one alone with him. Thoughts on whether the help might be worth the potential awkwardness, particularly with BFing? 

Edit: He'd be living with us and offered to stay for a few weeks.

MargaretC5

I think that is very sweet of your BIL. Maybe just ask him to come over for a couple hours at a time if he lives close by. Or maybe let him know you are not sure how much help you will need at that point since you already have help in the beginning and you will let him know after that baby is born (so you can see if you really need his help).
For BF at that age DS did not care about the cover at all. Also for me BF was much smoother after the first month so it was much easier to get him latch on right away and not have boob hanging out (but I know everyone has different experiences with BF).

nmwheel1

I used a breastfeeding cover when my fil was around just for my comfort and so I could stay in the living room and enjoy adult conversation! I actually had a baby that got extremely distracted breastfeeding if people were around or we were out and about so I ended up using the cover a lot as it helped her breastfeed better (I know a lot of babies hate being covered, for some reason my daughter did better with it).

It's a really nice offer for sure! I think if you feel comfortable enough than go for it, might be nice to have someone come cook and clean! I'm sure if you aren't comfortable he will understand!

lyankowi

My DD HATED being covered. I would invite a cousin over and just have her hold the baby for a little bit so I could shower. If he lives close just coming over for a little bit to load the dishwasher, switch laundry, prep for dinner, watch the baby so you can shower im sure it will be great.

violetigerlily

Thanks guys. If he were just able to come by for a few hours here or there I would 100% take him up on the offer.  Unfortunately @lyankowiand @MargaretC5 we live 4 hours away from our family so he'd be living with us 24/7 for an extended stay of a few weeks, which is where the privacy issue comes more into play.  

Maybe I'll see if he has to know now or if we can see how things go after the baby is born and let him know when/if we need him--like getting a sense of if the cover works and how much help we need.  I just don't want to feel like I can't relax or have privacy in my own house in terms of things like BFing in the living room, having to be discreet about post-partum feminine stuff etc. And I don't want him to feel uncomfortable if I stay locked up in the nursery or don't have much for him to do all day. I guess it's mostly because he's a man and we aren't super close.  I feel like I have NO idea how much that kind of stuff is going to matter to me in relation to the crazy world of new parenting, or if I'll be relatively comfortable by that point and just excited about the help.

Edit: tagging fail

wulfpackgirl

The main question is...Is he a good cook?! Because if so I might would take him up on it. At least for a few days. It may be weird trying to breast feed though around him.

thegingeravenger

Something about the way you worded you original post has me thinking... Do you live in/near a bigger city? If you do, he may be using this as an excuse to check out the city. Or, at the very least, you and your DH may be able to convince him to go explore the city a few times a week so you can have that personal time.

I get your discomfort with it, but if he's volunteering to come visit and help than I think he'll survive if he accidentally sees a nipple during his visit. Or if, lord forbid, he learns a little bit about what the female body goes through as it pulls itself back together after birth.

lakesideknitter

I think it's a really nice offer. Have you voiced your specific concerns to your husband? He may be able to put your mind at ease a bit.
My SIL (DH's brother's wife) BFs in front of DH's family, including his other brothers, usually using a cover, but not always. 4 weeks PP you may be comfortable enough to do it in front of others.
Also, if he is offering to come help you PP, he is probably aware that it's not a particularly carefree time in a woman's life when it comes to feminine hygiene. How is your relationship with your MIL? Could you ask her to just have a casual conversation with him about what to expect and privacy and such?

violetigerlily

Thanks everyone. These are all really good points.  It sounds like for the most part, everyone is in agreement that the extra help is probably going to way outweigh the potential for discomfort/awkwardness which is nice to hear.  I'll try talking to DH and/or MIL about it too. Maybe if we come up with some ideas for what he can do both helping and sight-seeing wise (we do live near a city) while he's here and prep him to make sure he knows and is on board with what he might be getting into (as I don't get the sense that he actually knows much about babies/post partum stuff), I'll feel more comfortable. 

MargaretC5

One other note.... a month after delivery all my post partum "fun" was over and I was feeling back to myself, physically atleast.

rachswi

My friend's brother came to help for a month after her first baby was born and she LOVED having him there because he had a great work ethic. He took care of everything so that she could bond with the baby (her baby also had colic so it was really helpful to have the extra set of hands there to hold the baby while she took a nap or showered). 

I imagine your BIL won't be bothered by you excusing yourself to BF or putting a cover on. If you want to BF on your own couch in your living room or something, you can always give him a task to complete (like there will ALWAYS be a load of laundry that can be run)... even still, most people who aren't creeps won't stare at your boobs while you BF... we live in a culture that averts their eyes to such things so I don't think you'll necessarily need to worry.

BlondeMomma92

This isn't on the same sphere (I'm a single mom) but other then my momma wanting to come down and stay with me long term if necessary, I have a friends mom--that has made it fairly obvious that she would love to have me stay with her for the first 6-8 weeks post partum. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. More because her mom works full time, and i feel like it's more of an imposition. And also because I'm not particularly close with my friends mom. Any thoughts on how I should go about this?

MargaretC5

BlondeMomma92 said:

This isn't on the same sphere (I'm a single mom) but other then my momma wanting to come down and stay with me long term if necessary, I have a friends mom--that has made it fairly obvious that she would love to have me stay with her for the first 6-8 weeks post partum. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. More because her mom works full time, and i feel like it's more of an imposition. And also because I'm not particularly close with my friends mom. Any thoughts on how I should go about this?

After having a baby I would want to be in my own home. Also if you are not that close with her are you going to feel comfortable in her house while you are trying to figure out how to be a mom. I would be much more inclined to take your own mother's offer to stay with you, if that is an option.
From your question it sound like you don't want to stay with her. If that is the case maybe tell her that you appreciate it, but you mom it coming or you would rather be in your own home, but ask it you can call her if you do need some advise or have questions.

Ceridwen77

You could always do a trial and see how it goes for a few days to a week. See if he'd be open to that. I'm sure you'll have plenty he could help with, but this will allow you to gauge your comfort level.

Unica1302+

I have a similar loner type BIL and as helpful as it might be I think I'd decline. I mean it's really nice of him but (and maybe im so wrong for this)its kind of a strange offer from a single male of his age. But if you really need it or aren't weirded out by it...maybe shorten the stay?