Mom as Doula?

EmilyRugger

Hi all - I've got a few months to go, and haven't really started researching doulas yet, but I'm interested in others' thoughts on the following. My Mom has offered to be my doula. She had 3 kids naturally (no drugs) and through midwives. The midwives I'm working with said it was fine with them and up to me. I have a great relationship with my Mom, and it would be fine if I turned her down. Part of me thinks it would be great to have her as my doula - I'd save $, and have someone I truly love and am comfortable with, and who really cares about me. On the other hand, she's clearly not a professional, and may not know all the things to do or say that a professional doula would. I also am not sure whether I might somehow be more comfortable with someone I DON'T know quite as well. I've told my husband he also can feel free to say no. They have a great relationship, but I can see it possibly being a bit strange for him, as well as potentially leading him to feel a bit more left out.  I don't think either of us knows for sure how we feel yet. I'd love your input, things to consider, etc.

Thanks!

KateLouise

I guess the question is why do you want a doula? Do you primarily want them for that emotional and physical support through the work of childbirth, or do you want someone who could help you navigate medical interventions because you feel like you're at risk of being bullied or talked into something you could regret?

If it's the latter, then possibly you need a professional. If it's the former then your Mum could be a good choice.

In terms of your husband, if you were going to get a doula would you also want your Mum there?

In terms of comfort in times of pain or stress who do you want to comfort you, your husband or your Mum? Would your Mum step back in the moment if you asked her to? eg. "Mum, DH and I would like sometime to ourselves."

I don't think there's a right or a wrong to this scenario, and it's hard to predict what will work for you on the day. Best wishes to you!

EmilyRugger

Thanks so much for your thoughts, @KateLouise. Definitely all good things to consider.

Marettie

Having a birth support person and a doula are not the same things. If you feel like you may want someone trained in positioning and comfort measures you may want to look into additional support. Otherwise having your mom there can be huge and so comforting!

0danielle0

Exactly what Marettie said. 

Even as a doula myself, I will still hire a doula to be present at my birth. Experience with the unexpected paths birth may take, comfort measures, and familiarity with the natural progression of labor is truly invaluable. 

You may want your mama to speak encouraging words while wiping your forehead with a cold rag, and leave the hands-and-knees hip-squeezing-with-all-her-might to your doula. Two equally important roles requiring a very different skill set/intensity.

katietabor22

Thanks for posting this! I could have written it myself with the only difference being in how many kids our Moms have had lol. Even if I decided to get a professional Doula, I would still want my Mom in the room so I feel like there would be even more of a chance that my husband would feel left out.

Mdev01

Your mom may be interested in reading The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. My midwife recommended this for me and my mom to read. I am probably going to hire a doula still, but my mom will be there as well and I might feel more comfortable asking her for help. Who knows what I'll be like during labor!

paintedtulips

My mom was at my birth, but she could never have been my doula. My doula was trained at a college (ie: actual birth training), and came with no prior shared experiences. My mom is my mom...yes, she has given natural birth before, more than once, but she never assisted in someone else's birth. She also can't disconnect herself from her role as my mother, and our shared experiences. My doula didn't bring anything with her, except her birthing tools, and her commitment to support me in my birth and my wishes. 

If it had just been my mom I don't think I would have had a natural birth. I was almost begging for an epidural, and my doula kept me focused, reminding me of why I wanted the birth I wanted, she saw me as a woman in birth, and my mom just saw me as her baby daughter in pain. I think my mom would have cracked if it hadn't been for my doula. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVED having my mom there, but she wasn't a doula. She was my mom.