Infertility, why is it a taboo topic?!?

MEMichelson

So as the title says, why is infertility such a taboo topic? Only way that my husband and I would be able to start a family is the help of science. Why are people afraid or uncomfortable about talking about infertility? It’s not a shameful way to have a family that you want it’s actually quite fascinating what the specialists can do now for couples. So why don’t we talk about it more? Why don’t we let others know who may be struggling to start a family know they aren’t alone in the process. Not every story is the same but they are very similar with processes and feelings that go with it.

I don’t keep our story to myself, I’ve told anyone and everyone about it and I am so surprised at how many people have gone through the same thing or are going through the beginning stages of fertility help. We have helped other couples get through some of the hard issues with infertility and it’s a great feeling to let them know that they aren’t alone in this journey. So why is it made into a ‘hush, hush’ topic that people don’t want to talk about like some dirty secret?

This is not how I imagined starting a family with my husband. I had it all planned out that everything would go smoothly and we’d have tons of kids one right after the other no issues and it would be a ‘happy ever after’. But God had other plans and lessons we needed to learn. No one on either side of the family has gone through fertility issues, I’ve been told that some had issues because it took 7 months to get pregnant – but let’s be honest…it takes 6-8 months for your body to get back into regular cycles once off of birth control. So in my mind, no one has gone through what we have in our family. Which is 100% wonderful - I’d never wish this on someone, it’s heart breaking.

So why do we keep this topic locked up in a box and not discussed out in the open? In my opinion it should be talked about just like every other person who doesn’t have an issue starting a family – they talk openly about it --- might piss the person off who needs a little science help, but it’s their story just like we have our story. It’s going to be different and it’s going to be unique, but that’s the best part.

I still can’t believe that we are actually going to be parents this year, I feel like I’m still in shock. Even at every ultrasound I’m just dumbfounded that there is actually a tiny human in there. And to see him moving around is just crazy to me. We watched this little person from the follicles stage (thank you Clomid), to week 7 being told we are having twins, to week 9 being told that there is only one baby but that baby is doing well, to week 11 genetic testing and seeing the tiny human have hiccups and most recently week 20 finding out it’s a boy and seeing him moving around and starting to feel those movements.  

It’s crazy! I am so very thankful for our doctors and what they have been able to do, so why not talk about it? Why keep it locked up inside and not share the amazing stories that are out there? 

fmraglio

I hate that it's a taboo topic. I will say though I took an ethics class in college and our textbook talked about how IVF, IUI and other treatments are seen as "playing God" and our professor told the class that anyone born via these treatments weren't real people. Everyone in the class, and I mean everyone, got up and walked out. It was awful. I later learned there are a group of people who do believe this is true, and in my opinion, that's awful. I know I wouldn't be here if my mother didn't have a little assistance and that was LONG before the things they have that they can do now, think about how many other couples would have been able to have children if we knew 20 years ago what we do today. I think infertility being a taboo topic is a stigma that needs to end.

ketobaby

I think it may be to respect the sensitivity of the topic to those suffering from infertility. But I agree that the topic shouldn't be locked in a box. I conceived naturally but I have a condition and I was told about 5 years ago that I would most likely need assistance to conceive. I told family and friends and people always got awkward about it. One cousin while we were drinking even freaked out and started crying about it when I wasn't even TTC. Hopefully one day it wont be this way and people can be educated about the varying degrees of infertility and such without the awkwardness.

cedixon2

I know my daughters would not be here without ovarian laparoscopy. I struggled for years with infertility caused by PCOS.

VesperLove

I don't believe it should be a taboo topic but I also don't think it's anyone's business unless the person wants to share. I have had two friends who both had twins, both through IVF. Anytime a new person meets either pair of their babies, the first question is, "IVF?" or "Did you have help?" To me, that's rude. That's like asking someone what position they used to get pregnant. What happens in your bedroom (or in a clinic) isn't anyone's business unless that person wants it to be openly known. 

If the couple wants to share with the world, then I'm all for it. I firmly believe that infertility, as common as it is, should be something that is better understood so less people feel like it's their fault, like they did something wrong, like it's super rare and there is no one there to support them. But I still think privacy should be respected until you know the person better or know that they are someone who wants to talk about it. 

caitlyn5454

I don't understand why it's such a taboo topic. But I think some of it may come down to judgement and looking down on people for their struggles. When I was young, I was bullied relentlessly because a few of the other kids overheard their mothers talking about how my mother needed Clomid (or whatever it was 20+ years ago) to conceive. They ran with the whole "needing help" part of it, and I was then known as "alien" and "test tube baby" for a good 3 years. It's been a concern of mine ever since I started thinking about having my own that I would struggle with infertility as most of the women on both sides of my family do. But, lo and behold, I got pregnant while on birth control. It obviously doesn't work like that all the time, and some people don't understand that conceiving isn't just "stick it in, and woohoo, 9 months later, out comes baby." They think that a woman's basic reason for being on Earth is to conceive the first time she tries, and when she can't, they think she's defective or a failure. It's close-minded. My mother desperately wanted another, but when she couldn't conceive naturally, she let go of that dream because of how negative people were about her experience the first time around. She still struggles with seeing herself as a failure for how difficult it was, and that's solely because of the reactions she got when she told people how she got pregnant.

Long story short, sometimes, people are just jerks and have nothing better to do than judge others.

MEMichelson

@caitlyn5454 that's what I don't want people to feel like - they aren't failures if they can't conceive naturally. It's just the way that our bodies work and sometimes they work perfectly and other times we need the help. My husband can't have kids and I have problems ovulating so we are not a winning couple I just want others to know that there are people out there that will support them and lift them up. And I personally feel that it needs to be talked about more so people don't have that awkward feeling towards friends/family when it's brought up.

I will fully admit that I asked a person that I went to HS with if they had their twins naturally or of they used help, and she said they needed the help which opened up a huge door for me and I was able to meet with her and talk about the struggles my husband and I were having as well as getting insight on different clinics to use in Minneapolis that were all amazing for fertility help. For me being an idiot and asking a VERY stupid question it ended up answering a lot of questions that I had.  

tinydove

I guess it just takes more of us to speak up about it? I'm not sure. People sometimes have strong opinions regarding IF, but some people are actually really understanding. It's hard to explain to people who haven't been through it, but I have encountered some understanding people who haven't.

I finally went public about it a few months before we conceived, but the reaction was kind of slow and minimal. I think some people weren't sure what to say. Which I guess is better in some instances than saying shitty things. But it's a hard thing to go through alone. I had surprising support from some people, and that was nice. I think another thing that's odd about it (and further goes to show how it can be a taboo topic) is pregnancy after IF isn't really acknowledged, and is probably even more of a taboo topic-- because we "should" be happy all the time now, and "shouldn't" complain about the discomforts. I don't know, it's complex. People ask me all the time now how I'm feeling, and it's nice of them, but I wish someone would have reached out when I was feeling my lowest-- the time leading up to pregnancy.

It feels even more taboo in a Christian community, and that made it more awkward revealing to people I've gone to church with. Some people truly believe that IF is "playing God", but for the most part I just think that's from people who never had to make the decision to pursue treatment. It's more of a religious/legalistic view. Personally, I think God brought me through this to have a heart and a testimony to other women/couples going through the same thing. I never paid attention to anything about infertility prior to needing treatment myself, and that seems to be common. A lot of people think it's a problem for older women trying to conceive, but we started trying when I was only 23 and it took us over 3 years.

LC122

I think this thread kind of answers itself when you say that it's "none of their business" for someone to ask about it. That sort of backlash, coupled with the fact that someone who hasn't been through it may not know how to identify/relate/talk to someone about it is why it is taboo.

If people truly believed there is no stigma to it and no shame in it, there would be no issue with someone asking about it - either from the person being asked not the one asking.

Just as a PP mentioned, someone Could be asking in hopes of getting information/help with their own circumstances, but since society says that it is inappropriate to ask, that often doesn't happen, thereby keeping the topic in the closet.

In some circles whether someone had fertility treatments and where/who they saw are as casual a conversation as asking what OB someone sees. It's not intended as an invasion of privacy.

Jazmine928

kyleneum13 said:

I don't believe it should be a taboo topic but I also don't think it's anyone's business unless the person wants to share. I have had two friends who both had twins, both through IVF. Anytime a new person meets either pair of their babies, the first question is, "IVF?" or "Did you have help?" To me, that's rude. That's like asking someone what position they used to get pregnant. What happens in your bedroom (or in a clinic) isn't anyone's business unless that person wants it to be openly known. 

If the couple wants to share with the world, then I'm all for it. I firmly believe that infertility, as common as it is, should be something that is better understood so less people feel like it's their fault, like they did something wrong, like it's super rare and there is no one there to support them. But I still think privacy should be respected until you know the person better or know that they are someone who wants to talk about it. 

I totally agree! I am pregnant with twins that we conceived naturally and I can't wait for that question becasue my response will be "nope! We made them in our bed." If people want to ask such a personal question, they better be ready for the personal answer! Lol

VesperLove

I guess it just depends on a person's level of tact when they ask questions.

I think jumping straight to, "Oh, what is IVF?" or "Did you guys struggle?" is way too personal. That's not to say they can't start a line of questioning and give the person an opportunity to talk about it. They could say, "are you excited about having twins?" If the person is someone open to talking about their process (if they struggled) that opens the door for them to say, "Yes! We struggled for awhile and had to go through this and this and are thrilled not only that it worked but also that there are two in there!" It also gives them an option to not bring up that line of questioning if they'd prefer not to get into it.

Just because it shouldn't be taboo doesn't mean that a person should be forced to talk about it by the person on the other end of the conversation. They still might not want to. I think that's why it's a hard topic to move OUT of the taboo category ... because it is also one of privacy in general, not just a negative stigma ... and privacy shouldn't be overlooked just because someone is trying to turn the negative stigma around.

jenbstevens

I in NO WAY agree with this, but I think infertility is seen as taboo because of the (totally BS) notion that not being able to bear children makes someone less of a woman or a man. Seriously, I cannot understate how much I disagree with this notion, but I think it's at least partially where it comes from. I think some people feel that way about themselves and don't want to admit that shameful feeling.

I also agree with the person who said some people see fertility treatments as "playing god" and think if you can't have kids you just shouldn't, or you should adopt and save a needy child. Again this is not something I agree with personally but I've heard it from multiple (mostly religious) sources.

It's like miscarriage, a totally normal and common thing that society makes people (in the case of miscarriage, women) feel ashamed of, and that shame further forces them to deal with that pain alone.

Evvi121515

My husband and I struggled for a few years, having 3 iuis, a long drawn out miscarriage, and eventually a successful round of IVF. For me, I'm comfortable talking about it now that I'm pregnant and past the first tri, and I would definitely share with people if we ultimately decided to stop trying, but during the process it was hard to discuss openly because there were so many unknowns and I didn't want everyone and their dog knowing every time we had a failed cycle. Also, I agree with pps about worrying about judgement (many people don't support ART and I wasn't interested in hearing that sort of negativity), and I know my husband (who has low sperm count), definitely feels a little bit of embarrassment.

Now I want to shout it from the rooftops, only because I don't want anyone to feel like I felt when we were struggling when it comes to seeing pregnancy announcements, etc.

littleSkittle14

Correct me if I'm wrong (I don't know much about ivf) but can't it take a few sessions to get the baby to implant? I know couples who did ivf who said things like they had to do 3 rounds of ivf before the baby implanted. And it's expensive.

I could understand if women viewed the rounds of ivf that didn't result in pregnancy as sort of a loss/miscarriage. And that is certainly something we don't ask about/make people talk about until they're ready and bring it up. Not that it's "taboo" - it's just extremely sad and personal for each couple, and obviously I wouldn't want to put someone in a situation where they feel like I'm prying into their personal life.

nik6499

For some reason infertility makes people uncomfortable. A friend of mine and I both went through it she told no one and I didn't hide it at all. I know some of our family members were uncomfortable that I wasn't ashamed of our struggles. And I heard all of the annoying comments, maybe God is trying to tell you something, maybe it just isn't meant to happen, maybe you should just adopt.

People don't think before they speak. After three years of trying, 3 miscarriages, 6 rounds of clomid amongst other things we got to where we are today. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not embarrassed by it and I think being open and upfront about our experiences helps to normalize it for other people.

BostonBaby1

Agree with PP that I think that the subject is taboo because people can say the stupidest things. It's incredibly difficult dealing with infertility and then having to listen to the crap that some people have to say. Usually the people saying these things don't know anything about what they're talking about.