Need Some Perspective on Husband's Timing of Trip — The Bump
November 2015 Moms

Need Some Perspective on Husband's Timing of Trip

I will be honest, I am exhausted, kind of headachy, and cranky today so I feel as though I may lack the correct frame of mind to respond to my husband, so I'm asking a bunch of strangers on the internet. He wants to go on a 3 or 4 day fishing trip in early October. The place is 4 hours away and cell reception is spotty at best. I will only be 33/34 weeks around then so I'll probably be fine, but then of course what if something happens?

Would you be okay with your SO going on a trip a month + before your due date? This is in addition to all the weekends he will spend hunting, his golf league, his other fishing trip in August, etc.

We're having twins

Our angel baby boy is looking over his twin sister - due November 21



Re: Need Some Perspective on Husband's Timing of Trip

  • BbyB3BbyB3 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    Hmmm...that is a tricky one b/c of the timing.  I think for me as a FTM, I would not be happy about it just b/c of course we're all anxious and unsure of what will happen and I'd REALLY want him there if I was to go into labor early (whatever the chances are of that or not).  So yeah, I think I'd be more on your side of not being thrilled about it--especially if he's already doing many activities in August.  Have you talked to him about how your feeling?  
  • I would be iffy on it at best. I don't know your story, but judging by your signature, I'd be even less okay with it. 
    I can sympathize because my husband often goes out with the guys for fishing trips/guy time and it can indeed be overly frustrating. I'd take some time to calm down (always easier said than done) and bring up that it's awfully close to baby time and that you'd appreciate him going earlier/somewhere with better cell reception. Compromise has always been mine & DH's saving grace when it comes to things like this. Hopefully he'll be receptive to your feelings/point of view. Wishing you the best! 


    thefithuntress
  • My EDD is nov 1 and my husband has a friend having a bachelor party October 1 in Vegas. I told him uhh NO. I didn't even really feel the need to explain myself just no. It's been brought up a couple of times and finally I just asked him that if for whatever reason baby came 4 weeks early, would be EVER forgive himself for not being there? If the answer is yes, then have fun. If no, then it's really not worth it. He's since dropped the subject. Maybe you could also try a what if game and put it in perspective a little better for him. Sometimes men just need us to do that for them.
  • I would also be iffy about it. If this is your first pregnancy, then I can see how you would be unsure (as we all are). I also see his side of it, kind of like one last hoorah before baby is here. Take a day to think about it, weigh the pros and cons and the have a discussion about it with your DH! Hope things go well :)

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    oorl11052015Gapeach83
  • I told my husband that I want him to be "on call" (aka within 1 hour drive + easily reachable by phone) starting 1 month before my due date. And even at 6 or so weeks out I don't know if I'd feel ok about the unreliable cell reception part of your predicament. 
    lakesideknittermodanz1
  • I think it should be ok but I would be upset with my husband too.. I mean 3 or 4 days isn't long and it would be his last big trip like thy he will get to do for awhile.. I agree with what one of the PPs said about weighting the pros and cons of the situation and discussing them with your H..
  • I can relate.. Mine actually just called me to say he had to be in Nashville on business the week of the 6th il be 36 weeks and 4 days at that point. I'm really upset, but I guess that's the difference in our situations- yours is a trip with the guys and mine is mandatory. Anyway, this is my second go around, so I kind of know what to expect. I also can understand that with your first you really don't know anything about what your feeling, so I would say absolutely NOT, as well! If I had anything to do with it I would say no way, no how! But unfortunately, I can't. The likeliness that you go that early is slim, but I can definitely get your fear! I hope you can explain that you would really prefer him to be home and maybe compromise with him; ask him to move his trip up or say next year for sure!
  • elbouelbou member
    Sixth Anniversary 250 Answers 500 Love Its 1000 Comments

    This is definitely a tricky question. Just to give you a different perspective...at this point in my life, I would be okay with that. However I have a much different set of experiences as I am on my 4th baby, and already dealt with this when I was expecting my 3rd. (DH was 5 hours away the weekend before my due date, and actually an hour away from home when I went into labour.) I don't know how I would have felt about this sort of situation as a FTM.

    I do think your concerns are valid. There are so many things to consider when making this decision. I would suggest talking to your doctor about your chances of going into labour early, and how long labour typically takes if it does start that early. Your doctor may be able to offer you some reassurance (or give YH a more substantial reason to stay home!) for that point in pregnancy.

    Also, if YH is really set on this trip, perhaps as a compromise, he would be able to plan it for somewhere that's a little closer and/or has better cell reception?


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    VexedMommy
  • Just for some perspective, my sister was in Orlando when I went into labor. She lives in San Francisco and I live in Seattle. After I called her to let her know I was in labor she spent a full day at Disney World, flew home to SF, slept the night, flew up to Seattle, and made it just in time for my son's birth.

    My point is labor is often a very long process for FTMs! I do understand your hesitation with your H's trip, but the chances that you would go into labor 4 weeks early during the short window he will be gone and he wouldn't be able to make it back before you're in active labor are pretty slim. You should definitely talk to your dr and your H about your concerns, I just wanted to give you some peace of mind that it would probably work out just fine.
    kkarik
  • My DH may need to travel for work in Oct (I'm due 11/4) so we decided that if he does need to, my mom will come and stay with me so that I still have someone around. I know that he would never forgive himself if he missed the baby, but it's hard to put life on hold for a few weeks.
  • Personally, I would be cool with a trip around then.. If you're 33/34 weeks that should give you more than a month out. 

    If he's taking a lot of trips and it's frustrating you, talk to him about it. It may be okay due date-wise, but you need to be happy and comfortable with it. 


    VexedMommylakesideknitterGapeach83
  • First babies are quite often late, so the chances are that your LO won't make an appearance until well after your DH's trip. HOWEVER, your reticence is completely understandable. Why don't you talk to him and try and reach a compromise; maybe see if he could bring the trip forward by a couple of weeks to give you more of a cushion of time? And like @vexedmommy said, if he get's to escape with the boys, you get to run away for girls' getaway when you're feeling up for it. Honestly, you might feel like you need a break from him at that point and you can create your own mini staycation before the LO arrives, too!
  • This is my second go around- but I am also married to an avid hunter/fisher. 
    I strictly blockaded him putting in the for the elk tag he wanted that would have taken him five hours away two weeks before my due date- BUT I would be okay with a 3-4 day fishing trip more than a month before my due date. 
    That said- I have family that is very close that could step in if something did happen, AND I was 6 days late last time. 

    I have been encouraging my hubby to get all hus hunting and fishing in now before our second little one comes, because once she is here, all that ends for a while- hopefully he won't feel so deprived if he gets some extra time now while things are still *relatively* calm. 
  • Gapeach83Gapeach83 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2015
    Well 3rd time mom and I am going on a trip with family when I am 34 weeks will be back by 35. My doctor is fine with this. Of course that's as long as no complications occur between now and then. It's unlikely you will go that early it does happen but more than likely you will be fine. Plus as PP labor usually takes more than 4 hrs. Another advice is to have your dr check you for progress that week (they usually wait till 36 week and that's only at your request) even then you can be a 2cm for a month or less than an hr. This just gives you some what of a guide if you are close.

    *I do know someone who's H was away at a hunting camp when she went into labor early. She had to call his brother to finally reach him but he still made it on time to see his girl born. This was 10 yrs ago so cell reception wasn't great then.
  • I am sure I am in the minority here, but I wouldn't have a problem with him going. My husband will actually be going on a 5 day trip when I am 33/34 weeks along leaving me alone with my 2 kids and I never really thought twice about it. My doctor says it would be safe for me to be traveling until 34 weeks, so I don't see why my husband would need to stay that early. Sure there is a possibility that you could go into labor, but there is always a possibility that something could happen at any point.

    Bottom line, what is important is that you are uncomfortable with it, whether you should be or not,and so you need to have a discussion with your husband about it. If it is the way you feel, a hundred internet strangers could tell you that you are being silly and that still won't change the fact that you are uncomfortable with him being gone. If you are going to be worried and concerned the whole time he is gone, that's not really heathy either.
    VexedMommythefithuntresselbou
  • I think this totally depends on your personality. I get super clingy when I'm pregnant, especially at the end. I get too anxious and nervous so I know my husband wouldn't go because he knows I'd be upset. If you think you would worry and be nervous the entire time he's away (like me!)- then just be honest. Have a conversation with him about it and tell him how you feel and that you're not comfortable with it. And listen to his response and go from there.

    I think it's important to remember that he doesn't have a baby bouncing around inside him, so it could be harder for him to realise how you'd feel. A convo together will definitely help :)
    VexedMommy
  • As PP have said a lot depends on what you are comfortable with. DH has a work trip 11/4 in Vegas, we live in MA. My due date is not until 11/25. I am not too worried, my parents are 40 minutes away from me, so I am just going to ask them to keep the phone close just in case.
    DS was 2 weeks late and this LO is measuring 5 days behind, so my bet is this LO will not be that early.
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  • I wouldn't be too concerned as long as you have not had any complications etc that would indicate the possibility of early delivery. With my first at 36 weeks we set a similar rule to PP no further than an hour and must have cell/reception. At 34 weeks he drove 3 hours to see our newborn niece for a weekend and it was fine. This time with twins we are setting the cutoff at 32 weeks because I'm struggling to lift our jumbo sized toddler already.
    Me: 28
    DH: 33
    Married 3/6/2010
    TTC since 3/2011
    2 early m/c: 9/12 & 5/13
    Booger 5/14/14
    Twins!!!! EDD 11/10/15 (37 Weeks)
    2 Furbabies Ford 16, Mongo 10

    thefithuntress
  • Lynnbirds4Lynnbirds4 member
    Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Photogenic
    edited July 2015
    My EDD is nov 1 and my husband has a friend having a bachelor party October 1 in Vegas. I told him uhh NO. I didn't even really feel the need to explain myself just no. It's been brought up a couple of times and finally I just asked him that if for whatever reason baby came 4 weeks early, would be EVER forgive himself for not being there? If the answer is yes, then have fun. If no, then it's really not worth it. He's since dropped the subject. Maybe you could also try a what if game and put it in perspective a little better for him. Sometimes men just need us to do that for them.
    Oh my gosh, this exactly!  That is what I would do if I were you!  No need to get mad or fight, just put it in perspective for him.  Whenever there is something that my husband is wanting to do or doing that is bothersome, I usually just ask him how he would feel if roles were reversed! (I would say that he admits 99% of the time that he would not like it)   I really do consider my husband and his feelings in my decisions and I expect the same respect.  He is VERY good about it, but sometimes he just needs a little reminder! :)
  • I personally don't think it's a big deal but it's not me in your shoes. If you really are nervous about it, could he wait until closer to the trip to decide? I am driving 2 hours away for a weekend with my girlfriends at 36 weeks, I'll have service and not really worried but if I do go into early labor I will just have my friend drive me home... Not that laboring in a car for 2 hours sounds fun.. It just what your comfortable with.
  • My husband is actually going on a trip right around that time. While he'll have cell service it's a bachelor party in Atlantic City and I would bet he would be way too inebriated to do anything if something actually happened. But I have family fairly close by and I will go stay with my mom during that time. I honestly never really gave it a second thought. However, that will likely be his last trip because I don't know that I would feel comfortable with him traveling after that. 
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  • I would be totally fine with that. But I view this differently I'm due November 3rd, my husband works 5+ hours away he doesn't get home from shift until October 29th. That's 6 days before EDD, and both of my boys previously have come early. I'm totally fine with it. Unless you're high risk. But even then it's still a good month and a half till your due.
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    oorl11052015elbou
  • I'd have to ask myself if I told my dh no and he didn't go and I didn't go into labor, would it be worth the pouting he'd do after about missing it?!?

    If I had to make this same decision right now I'd say ok but I'd want the names and numbers of everyone going and I'd research how to get ahold of him if cells aren't working.

    That being said, my husband travels a lot for work. DD and I are used to being home alone. This is a busy fall for him as well. He will probably be gone for 75% of September and October and will be gone the week before my due date. DD was six days early so this does give me a bit of anxiety but we'll figure it all out.

    I hope you and dh can come to a decision that will make you both happy and comfortable.
  • I'm a FTM too and I totally get it! I think what would bother me most is the distance and spotty cell coverage. I know most FTM's don't deliver on their due date but anything can happen. Is there anyway you can meet him in the middle of he's already going on a bunch of other trips can he skip this one or cut it short?
  • I wouldn't be bothered about it personally, that's a good few weeks before your due date and he's not going that far away. I have no partner and my folks will be in Canada until 2 weeks before my due date.

  • I think that you should be fine, but I would be a little nervous about it and I'm not even a ftm. I dont think it would be that bad if he would have good cell reception but since he doesn't that makes it worse. I wouldn't stop him from going, but I would most certainly express my concerns to him and see if you can come up with some kind of a plan. Does he have to go for 4 days, could he possibly compromise and just go for 2 days, that way maybe you won't be as nervous.
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  • @chadsfiance IMO I would let him go. It's a short trip, and it's important to have him get some friend time in for a sanity check. Plus at 34ish weeks 4 days should be no big deal. My DH is deploying right after birth and I push him to spend time with his man friends. Just like you should have a girls weekend. Maybe while he is gone invite your friends to do a fun spa weekend or something. Then you are enjoying yourself and surrounded by people who can help if you do feel like labor is knocking on the door.
    VexedMommy
  • sadyy131sadyy131 member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Photogenic Name Dropper
    edited October 2015
    I am reviving this thread because I have a similar issue that I need advice on. I will be 37 weeks pregnant at the time that SO wants to take a trip with his buddies to Atlantic City. It is three hours from our house and although I know that first labors tend to take a while, my doctor told me at my last visit that she expects me to go early. They did not check dilation/effacement, but she said that the baby is measuring ahead. Also he will be the one driving them all down, so I am afraid if he is drinking and I need him, he won't be able to come home right away.

    At the same time I feel guilty saying no. This would be the last "guys trip" that my man would be taking for a while. They are going for a friends birthday and staying at a hotel. I trust him, but his friends are single guys that have never been faithful to past girlfriends and it bothers me a tad bit that he is going. I don't really think that the club scene is a good place for a guy in a relationship. This may just be my insecurity, especially being hugely pregnant. We discussed things and he said obviously I have nothing to worry about, but just the timing and overall plan makes me uneasy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
  • That would make me uncomfortable too.   I think it's important that you just be honest with him about how you feel.   37 weeks is AWFULLY close timing to be taking a "guys trip" in my opinion.   Would be one thing if it were for work but a recreational trip...meh.   I don't know everyone has different feelings on this kind of stuff but my advice is if you are really uncomfortable with it then you should communicate it to him.   The last thing you need is to feel stressed out and alone when you are about to give birth.   Plus each day/week at the end of pregnancy is exponentially harder to move around and do stuff.   He should be there for you.   After all you've carried the baby this long I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to be home and available for the last homestretch, even if for the emotional support.   Men can often underestimate their effect in this area (emotional support) but maybe letting him know how much it means to you could soften things?   Anyway good luck mama.   Stay true to your feelings.
    sadyy131MercyC1130
  • sadyy131 said:

    I am reviving this thread because I have a similar issue that I need advice on. I will be 37 weeks pregnant at the time that SO wants to take a trip with his buddies to Atlantic City. It is three hours from our house and although I know that first labors tend to take a while, my doctor told me at my last visit that she expects me to go early. They did not check dilation/effacement, but she said that the baby is measuring ahead. Also he will be the one driving them all down, so I am afraid if he is drinking and I need him, he won't be able to come home right away.

    At the same time I feel guilty saying no. This would be the last "guys trip" that my man would be taking for a while. They are going for a friends birthday and staying at a hotel. I trust him, but his friends are single guys that have never been faithful to past girlfriends and it bothers me a tad bit that he is going. I don't really think that the club scene is a good place for a guy in a relationship. This may just be my insecurity, especially being hugely pregnant. We discussed things and he said obviously I have nothing to worry about, but just the timing and overall plan makes me uneasy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    Well, I think only you and DH can decide what's good for the both of you. I'm 38 weeks and my husband is a 12 HR drive (for 6 days) away right now. On business though. But he did go for a few days last weekend 5 hrs away, and he went out with his friends. I trust him 100% so I have no issues with that but every relationship is different. If it were me I would be really sweet to him and let him go enjoy himself for the last time in awhile. But that also depends on how many days he will be gone, what he'll be doing and what are specific plans if you do happen to go into labor. But I say, let him go and take a few days to yourself to relax alone or with your friends. Good luck.
    sadyy131
  • The club scene part of this wouldn't bother me in the slightest.  As for him being gone on a leisure trip 3 weeks from my due date....honestly it's probably fine but that doesn't mean  I would be thrilled about it.  3 hours away isn't that big of a deal, but you are right the drinking could prevent him from leaving if he needed to.  That's a tough one...  If you are going to ask him not to go, I would focus on the baby coming while he's gone rather than the environment surrounding his trip.
    YCSWU 



    sadyy131cherryonion
  • My husband was 2hrs away on a fishing trip (terrible service) when I went into labor (at 36wks NOT high risk) the first time. He ended up cutting the lock on the gate to leave the reservoir and come home. I said NO WAY this time starting at 34wks!
    sadyy131
  • I totally get where you're coming from, and I think it's more than fair to ask him to either stay nearby or refrain from drinking so he can drive in case something happens. After all, you've had to give up the booze for months now, what's one weekend? :)

    I had a similar situation come up regarding this weekend (when I'll be 37 weeks)- my husband wanted to go camping with some guy friends about 3 hours away. I was initially fine with it, I just asked that he not drink so that, should something happen, he could get back home/to the hospital in a reasonable amount of time, as I will need his support during labor and obviously want him to be there when the baby makes his/her debut! I'm a FTM, so I don't anticipate going into labor anytime soon, but sh*t happens. He actually decided on his own to forego the trip, so I didn't have to feel like the "bad guy."
    Fur daughter: 02/2011
    Human sons: 11/2015 & 05/2017
    *formerly kayemjay*


    sadyy131
  • I don't think being 3 hours away is a big deal, I'd be more concerned about him drinking and not being able to jump on the road as soon as you call. I will also say if you tell him not to go and absolutely nothing happens and he misses a weekend that he could have been away, will he be cool with it or do you think he'd be pouty and "I told you so" about it? My DH is not like this but my BIL is and he can be a real asshole about it. Sometimes a cranky DH is worse then not having him there! Lol
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    modanz1sadyy131MercyC1130
  • @katiedhunter- That's a good point. My DH isn't like that either, but I could see it being more of a pain to deal with than not having him around at all. That being said, if DH tried the "I told you so" shit on me, it would not go well for him. When you look at who is giving up/putting up with more to ensure the baby arrives safe and sound, I wouldn't let him make me feel badly for a millisecond for missing clubbing with his bros. Just no. 
    Fur daughter: 02/2011
    Human sons: 11/2015 & 05/2017
    *formerly kayemjay*


    modanz1sadyy131jabbottscott
  • I'm currently 36 weeks and DH is in Minneapolis until Saturday for work .

    That's like 18 hours drive and a 4 hour flight. It's for work and he could have tried to agrue but it advances his career.

    I know he is drinking and enjoying his quiet nights away lol

  • mrsgabus said:

    I'm currently 36 weeks and DH is in Minneapolis until Saturday for work .

    That's like 18 hours drive and a 4 hour flight. It's for work and he could have tried to agrue but it advances his career.

    I know he is drinking and enjoying his quiet nights away lol

    My husband was sapose to go out of town this week for a contract. We're in new York and he'd being going to Florida. It didn't happen and this is our third pregnancy. Family first always. He sent one of his head guys instead. The owners weren't happy about it but when he called and explained how pregnant his wife was they completely under stood why he wouldn't be available till February. With are second child he miss the birth do too being out of town and the baby coming early he was only 8 hours away but my labor was only 3 hours long.
  • I'm a FTM and my edd has been switched around a couple times, so I just am so unsure what to expect. It would make me very uncomfortable, but like PPs have said, the drinking part/not being able to drive would be the main issue.
    Even if I start contracting and it's a false alarm or they last for awhile, I would still want my SO nearby.
  • I find this subject to be slightly bizarre- not sure if I am reading it wrong- but is his going really dependent on your permission? Seems like you would be better off having a conversation about your concerns and go from there. Personally- my husband is a fire fighter- gone 24 hours at a time- in the middle of a tour during my edd week. That being said- we have a plan for how I will contact him, who to call if no one answers at the station and back-up being my mom and his mom in case things move really quickly. That works for us.
    If he was going out of town this weekend- I'm 36 weeks- I would be slightly relieved because I could stay in my pajamas all weekend, take baths and nap :)
    slatta2013
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