I hate my SIL... advice? (kind of long) — The Bump
August 2015 Moms

I hate my SIL... advice? (kind of long)

I know some of you have posted about your MIL/SIL/BIL so I'm hoping some of you ladies could give me some advice...

A little back story; my brother and her have been together for a little over 4 years, she is 30 y/o and has 2 little girls. Here's the catch; she is STILL married to her ex husband, and she walked out on those two girls 5 years ago and hasn't seen except for maybe 3 or 4 times since. She is a compulsive liar and tries to start drama within the family what seems on a weekly basis... anyways, it's gotten to the point to where I can't even look at her anymore and I have ZERO respect for her as a person because of what little attempt she has made to see her daughters. (She packed her stuff from MD and moved out here to CO without letting any of her family know)

Anyways, my brother called me tonight and asked if I would be alright with he and his girlfriend coming to visit in the hospital (beind induced monday night d/t small frame/big baby at 39.5 weeks) and I told him that I have no problem with him, but I will not allow his girlfriend to come see LO. Got a call about an hour later from my own mother telling me I needed to "play nice" and realize SIL is here to stay and I need to drop whatever issues I have with her. I feel like I am not in the wrong for not wanting her to come see us, as I do not let me 3 year old around her as is.

I guess my question is, does anyone have any advice how to balance it all?! I know right now it's supposed to be about me and LO but with such a close family, it's hard not to put others needs first.. Just want to call SIL out on all her sh!t! Pregnancy and hormones... ya'll know.

Re: I hate my SIL... advice? (kind of long)

  • Ugh, I can completely understand how you feel. However being that you have a close family and all and you want your brother to see your LO, if it were me I would simply say "well as much as I'd like to to have everyone see the baby, I'd feel more comfortable if it were just immediate family, such as brother, husband, mom, dad, siblings, etc. After a few days I'll feel more up to having everyone else visit when we get settled in at home" that way your not outright excluding her, but you are still 'playing nice' . Also when you get settled in at home you can then dictate when visitors can come over and how long they can stay. I know it ruffles your feathers but if you can just let her visit once then after that you don't have to have anything to do with her. Or possibly let her come by when you are in the hospital but after you've had your fill of her you or your DH can say "well I really need to rest, it was so nice of you to come by". I've been in a similar situation and while I too wanted to,call out the person I sucked it up for about a half hour or so then after that I just simply said "oh I'm sorry but,it's not really a good time, you understand right?" good luck love.
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  • Thank you ladies. Sometimes you just need an outsiders point of view on a situation you're too involved in.
  • I feel like pregnancy and newborn baby days are the two times in your life you can make things all about YOU and what you want. It's stressful enough as it is. Nobody else Shiism have a say or tell you how to 'play.'

    It's hard to understand why she would be interested in your baby when she is not interested in her own kids?

    I would say sorry but no hospital visits and then when she does come to visit later, keep it to a limited time as other PPs have said. You can prewarn your brother that that's how it will be so that he won't be surprised.
  • I understand how you feel and why you would not want your SIL to be there, but she is who your brother chooses to be with and you have to respect his decision. By not letting her come you are just putting him into an uncomfortable situation (my husband and my sister did not talk for a while and it's the worst thing being in the middle between two people I love so much). Believe me, your brother is probably very excited to to see his niece or nephew and wants to be a part of his/her life but that will not be possible unless you accept his girlfriend. 
  • Stick to your guns! You'll end up seeing her eventually but no way would I let her visit you in hospital. Now is NOT the time to play nice! Being this pregnant is hell!
  • I definitely see why you wouldn't want her there. She sounds like a piece of work.

    The only thing I would think about is how it would affect your relationship with your brother. Would this cause damage that can't be undone?

    That being said, this is your time with your LO and loved ones, you don't need any stress or negativity!

    I guess what I'm saying is maybe weigh your pros and cons.

    If you choose to let them visit keep in mind it doesn't have to be the day of and it doesn't have to be for very long.
  • I can't stand my SIL. She's queen bitch and being around for any period of time drains me. I have come to realize that she and my brother are a package deal and if I want him to be in my life she's going to be there also. It's not worth losing the relationship with my brother over her.

  • Your SIL sounds like my own mother. She left about 5 years ago leaving my at the time 6 yr old brother and 9 yr old sister behind and has seen them twice since. I don't keep in contact with her but since she has found out I'm having a baby she has been trying to talk to me. Not knowing how to handle it and after alot of her asking and alot of soul searching I finally decided that if she came into town for my daughters birth she could see her. But I will only give her this one time and chance and if she hurts or says something to my daughter it will be the end of the relationship. I know it sounds bad but there are alot of past issues with my mother's stability that I don't want to introduce my daughter to. Anyways....my advice is its your child. If you do not want someone around your child that is your decision and your choice. But it sounds like you won't have to worry about her much. It wouldn't have a big effect on your child if she walked out of your families life again. I wouldn't mind if she came to see my child if I were you. It doesn't mean she's going to have the huge bond with her and they are going to grow up best friends. It's just another family member born that people are wanting to see and celebrate the life of. Totally up to you though! Good luck!
  • Tell him she can come and visit your baby after s he goes and visits her own.

  • Ditto CaliforniaDream.  Your mother also has no business telling another grown up to 'play nice.'  If your mom wants things to be nice then it sounds like it's the girlfriend's responsibility to stop being an immature brat all the time and play nice. You don't need the stress while you're recovering in the hospital.
  • AshK1027AshK1027 member
    edited July 2015
    My advice? SIL can stay away. I'm in the same position with my sister's SO. Luckily everyone is clear that he is not allowed anywhere near us. At the end of the day, it's your decision, not your mom's. There's also the added advantage of the nurses being able to keep people out. ;)

    I know things get stressful and it's always easier to say these things than to execute. Be strong and do what's right for YOU & LO to be comfortable and happy.
  • Although I thankfully don't hate anyone in my family, there's def ppl that will not be visiting at the hospital. Thankfully where I deliver, you can create a list of who can visit and we plan to use that. We will only be having immediate family that has provided us with support.

    I would say your in a tough position since you obviously love your brother but I would go with your gut and stick to it. If you don't allow her in and people play games while your in the hospital, I would def reconsider their involvement in your life and your LO. Good luck with making your decision and I hope everyone can respect your wishes!
  • Hugs mama. I would stick to your guns. And make it clear to everyone only immediate family can visit in the hospital. This time is about YOU and YOUR LO! They should respect that. Birth is stressful as is, not necessary to add any unnecessary stress to your day. Take this time to enjoy your LO and immediate family. Your brother should respect that decision.
  • I appreciate that your brother asked if it was ok to visit! You gave him your answer. Tell your mom that. He asked, you answered. Call brother and tell him you appreciate him checking first and that you would rather only see him during this essential bonding time.
  • I'm going to have to go against the flow here for my opinion. I absolutely hate family drama and if it kept the peace between me and my family, I'd just let her come by and visit with my brother.  HOWEVER, I would probably start running them out after 30 minutes or so (or whenever she started working my nerves) and say that I need to rest..  I'd rather deal with the drama once in a small, controlled dosage than having to hear blow back from my entire family for years to come.  That's just my personal opinion though and I hope that your family respects your choices, whatever you decide to do.

  • Advice...do what the eff you want because you are allowed to be selfish right now. Deal,with SIL later, if she is here to stay then you can figure out what that relationship should entail later, but for now your baby, your life, your privacy.
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