Stressed out! — The Bump
January 2016 Moms

Stressed out!

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first baby and we just found out we are having a girl! We are both so excited and so is my family but my mom is really bringing me down. My mom is an alcoholic and abuses prescription medication and she has for most of my life. This year she has been worse with her addictions and I barely ever talk to her because it's always a stressful conversation. She has a way of always turning everything around and making it someone else's fault. I have always tried to be there for her and help her but have come to realize that me helping is hurting and enabling her. I really wish I had my mom because when she was sober she was amazing. It's like an empty spot that can't be filled and no matter how hard to try she continues to drink. I feel like now more than ever I need her for advise or someone to go shopping with but she's not interested. It's really hard to for me realize this is how it's going to be and my daughter won't have a grandmother (my husbands parents live in South Africa). Is anyone else dealing with this and how do you cope? I've been so down and stressed lately.

Re: Stressed out!

  • I don't have a father (he abused me and I haven't seen him in 20 yrs)but I have so many other strong male figures in my life. You daughter will have a wonderful mother and father and 2 loving parents is more than others have. Also, your mom might change (on her own terms in the future), so have hope and faith and if you are religious pray for her recovery.
  • I am not in the same situation but was raised by one parent but my dad didn't do drugs. But I do know how to deal with family members that are users and I simple don't deal with them I know it's your mom and you want her on board 100% but if she hurts you and herself she is no good for baby either. And you can't force her to get help at all she has to be ready to make that happen herself. All my prayers to you and I hope everything works out fine.
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  • My family is estranged from one grandmother and the other died when I was in 3rd grade, it's nbd to not have a grandmother...a lot of kids don't have any grandparents, especially as people are having babies older and older, it's not the hugest deal...also single moms/dads exist, and those babies grow up fine with only one parent let alone without 4 grandparents. I wouldn't let it get you down too much and would focus on whatever is emotionally healthiest for you and your child. I'm sorry you're in this situation, I know it isn't preferable and you would love your mother back, but unless she gets clean it sounds like she is not a positive force in your life for now.

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    ChrissyD1203cjd&k
  • My family is estranged from one grandmother and the other died when I was in 3rd grade, it's nbd to not have a grandmother...a lot of kids don't have any grandparents, especially as people are having babies older and older, it's not the hugest deal...also single moms/dads exist, and those babies grow up fine with only one parent let alone without 4 grandparents. I wouldn't let it get you down too much and would focus on whatever is emotionally healthiest for you and your child. I'm sorry you're in this situation, I know it isn't preferable and you would love your mother back, but unless she gets clean it sounds like she is not a positive force in your life for now.
    All of this. Plus, my father is an alcoholic. I'm 31 and he has been in AA and sober for the past 3 years. Our relationship is wonderful now (forgiveness is important) but, as a child and young adult, it was hurtful not to have him in my life in healthy ways. Growing up, it was very scary for me to be around him at times. There were times, before he got sober, that I just didn't speak to him for several years because that was the healthiest and safest choice for me then. Still, even as an adult, I understand what a deep hurt it is when a parent can't be there for you the way that you need them. Sometimes you just have to remove them for your life and pray (...hope, wish, or whatever you believe in/do) that they will change. Maybe your mother will never change. If she does, it will be because she chooses, not because of anything that you or anyone else can say or do. I hope eventually that your mother finds a better way to live, and that you two can repair your relationship. I'm sorry that you are going through this. For now, try to cultivate joy and fulfillment in other healthy relationships in your life, and in your relationship with your new baby! Best of luck to you!

     
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    CaraBoonie
  • I'm sorry that you have to go through this. My brother and I removed ourselves from our parents, who were very abusive and also struggled with addiction. We started living by the idea that if someone isn't adding to your life, remove yourself from them. Some people I know don't understand this and haven't been in our position and will say "but they're your parents, you can't not talk to them." You don't have an obligation to someone who hurts you, whether it's physical or otherwise. This is my first pregnancy and I wish I had a mother that I could call to bitch about how I'm feeling and ask to go shopping with, but that's just not an option. I've told my therapist about how I'm concerned about my parenting abilities considering that I never had a healthy parent to mirror, and he said that some of the best parents are people who know what it's like to have true instability as children. So while I know it's incredibly tough to be in this position now, your child will benefit from having a strong maternal figure.
    Beverly0628SnoopylovesbelleChrissyD1203
  • willashbabywillashbaby member
    edited July 2015
    I grew up with a father like this. To this day I consider myself lucky that he died when I was 12, sad to say but true. Both of my husband's parents are constantly circling with various drug addictions. We expect nothing of them, ask nothing of them, and generally have very little contact with them. It sucks that it has to be that way but it does. We hold on to what is important to us and let the rest go...
    cjd&k
  • cjd&kcjd&k member
    I don't have much of an opinion, but I would just like to say that I hope this situation gets better for you and you are happy with whatever decision you make.
  • Thanks everyone! I know what's right for my baby right now and it's not talking to her but you always have that feeling of what if she was sober...all of my friends are also having babies and seeing their babies with their moms is an amazing thing. I also grew up with the best grandmother ever so for my daughter to not have that is sad but I know that my husband and I are ready to be amazing parents this our little girl! Thank you for your kind words sometimes that's what you need the most from people who understand! I hope you have all healthy pregnancys :)
  • Without going into too much detail, I just want to let you know you're not alone. Every now and then I throw myself a little pity party over my LO's grandparent situation. I have always had all 4 grandparents around, even today, and I love them. It makes me sad that my LO won't have that.
    kimberlypohl
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