Advice? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Advice?

Hello All,

I lurked a little before I posted to see if I could find some help, but all I have to say is I have an even deeper understanding of the pain losing a child brings.  I am so sorry for everyone who has had to go through this.

  I was hoping to get some advice.  My cousin, who I am close with, was pregnant with a little girl due in early October.  She had already made the big announcement that she was expecting and making cute baby jokes and being very excited about her second child.  Very sadly she miscarried at five months.  The news was passed along quietly from her mother, giving me the impression that she didn't want to have to tell people herself, very understandable. 

Happily I think she may be pregnant again, but is holding off announcing it for obvious reasons, and I'm sure to avoid awkward questions.

I am seeing her for the first time since her loss (we live several states apart) next week and I'm not sure the most appropriate way to handle it.  Do I quietly tell her I was sorry to hear about her loss? Not mention it? Just ask how she's doing? I love her and I want to be supportive in whatever way I can, but I'm not sure how.  I would appreciate any insight you could give, thank you.

Re: Advice?

  • It never bothers me when people acknowledge what happened and let me know they are thinking about me.

    Some days it's all I want to talk about because it's changed who I am as person and I need other people to understand. Other days I just would rather hide under a rock than talk to anyone about it.

    I would offer condolences and a hug (if she is the type of person who hugs - I know some people do not like to be touched) and when she responds get a gauge on her body language and facial expressions to see if she would like to talk about it. Even if she doesn't want to all about it then she might open up later.
    TW: MMC
    BFP1 12/24/14 - EDD 09/07/15 (D/C 8w1d)
    BFP2 6/12/15 - EDD 2/22/16 (D/C 10w3d)
    ———
    Diagnoses and Treatments
    PCOS (myo-inositol, excercize)
    Indeterminant levels of APS IgM antibodies (baby aspirin)
    Sub-septate uterus (hysteroscopic septoplasty 12/18/15)
    ———
    BFP3 05/02/16 EDD 01/09/17 DS born 01/05/17
    BFP4 01/28/19 EDD 10/?/19 🤞🙏

    fragglemom
  • I agree with the previous post that a hug and sorry for your loss go along way. She may not feel like talking about it but in my experience it is worse to not acknowledge it at all. I was 3 months along when I had my MMC. It is very traumatic and I am still struggling. I can imagine that being 5 mths along would be even more aweful. Just offer support and let her know you care. The people who have quietly checked in with me over the past month have been getting me through. Hope that helps.
  • Acknowledge it. I was just telling my husband today that I'm so hurt that he told his sisters and parents and not one of them has reached out to me in any way.

    Just say you are sorry, and if you are both religious you could add that you have been lifting her up in prayer if that is true. Don't say more, that's when people start to say the wrong things.

    DD1 born 5/24/10.

    Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.

    DD2 born 5/14/13.

    Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.

    Expecting someone new 4/17/17.
    fragglemom
  • Thank you for your insights.

      I sent her an email after I found out (it seemed less invasive if she was seeking privacy) and just let her know that she was in my thoughts and I was there if she ever wanted to talk about it.  She never responded and has been very reclusive lately, which is so unlike her.  I'm seeing her for her birthday so I don't want to bring down the mood, but it felt wrong to me to just pretend like I forgot or it wasn't a big deal.  I'll stick with a hug and a "So sorry to hear about your loss, how have you been?" and take it from there.  I really appreciate the advice as I don't have any experience with this and I am so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

  • It doesn't bother me when people acknowledge it. A simple I'm sorry I'm here if you need me is fine. Nothing else needs to be said.
  • Reclusive can be totally normal while emotionally recovering from a loss.

    DD1 born 5/24/10.

    Missed M/C at 14 wks Feb 2012.

    DD2 born 5/14/13.

    Missed M/C at 9 wks July 2015.

    Expecting someone new 4/17/17.
  • I agree with PPs, just be there for her. Let her talk about it as much or as little as she wants. Sometimes less is more, especially in this case.
    ******TW******Siggy warning
    BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
    BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks; 
    BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016 

       Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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