npr- friend question

sarahmu7

This is going to be pretty long. Sorry.
Anyone lose any friends lately? One of my friends I have know for probably 15+ years has suddenly decided we need to take a break. First of all, I don't even know what that means. This is not an episode of friends. She's been great this whole time, but 2 weeks after my shower, while I'm on vacation no less, she sends me a text message saying I haven't supported her or celebrated the fact that she graduated physical therapy school. All because of Facebook.
She got me a book, I will love you forever, and someone posted on fb what it was really about and she got all bent out of shape that I wasn't defending her book. Then she brought up a $25 decanter set DH got his friend for graduating NP school, which in all honesty was more for his friends wife for putting up with him being in school for the past 7 years and still working full time. She's been living off student loans. Their situations are a little different.
As for not celebrating her, I counted down the days of school every day. I was her biggest cheerleader this entire time. She hasn't taken her boards yet. That's when I plan on really celebrating. I can't function in nyc, too much anxiety for me, but I was planning on going once she passed her boards.
One of my friend's was having trouble getting pregnant so I gave her some space. I know she didn't want to hear me complain about being pregnant while she went through cycle after cycle of ivf. I totally get that. But my single friend who lives in nyc just suddenly decided we shouldn't be friends just threw me completely for a loop. I don't get it. She even unfriended me on fb like a 12 year old.
My dad has been out of work with lung issues for about a month and was in the hospital for about a week. My husband's best friend had 2 strikes this past month and has been in a hospital in philly. Sorry they have gotten more of my thoughts and prayers lately.
I just don't understand where this has come from out of the blue.
ETA- I'm 36 wks with high blood pressure and I live with my MIL. I go twice a week for NST and monthly ultrasounds. And they want to induce me at 39 weeks so I don't really need the extra stress.

CaliforniaDream87

Sounds like she doesn't feel like you've been much of a friend to her. It's hard to really give advice since we don't know the whole story. I hope you two can work it out. A friendship really does take two people however sometimes we do outgrow certain people at different points in our lives. I've noticed that after becoming a mom I had friends who were a little too time dependent on me. I didn't have time to call them everyday and hang out every weekend. Priorities shifted and so did the relationship. Give it time. See what happens from here. Honestly, if she can just throw away a friendship without some sort of *fight* then you should invest your time in another relationship.

Robin910

I'm sorry to hear that. I haven't experienced anything like that but I would say maybe send her an email telling her that you're sorry she feels that you weren't supporting her and that she's been on your mind, and you planned on celebrating more when she passed her boards, etc. let her know that you've got a lot going on right now and while that isn't an excuse, you hope that your friendship can make it through these major life changes that you are both experiencing and then just give her some time and space.

EastonRhy

CaliforniaDream87 said:

Sounds like she doesn't feel like you've been much of a friend to her. It's hard to really give advice since we don't know the whole story. I hope you two can work it out. A friendship really does take two people however sometimes we do outgrow certain people at different points in our lives. I've noticed that after becoming a mom I had friends who were a little too time dependent on me. I didn't have time to call them everyday and hang out every weekend. Priorities shifted and so did the relationship. Give it time. See what happens from here. Honestly, if she can just throw away a friendship without some sort of *fight* then you should invest your time in another relationship.

^^ perfectly said.. BTDT and agree with this completely.

Kwest1007

I agree with the ladies above! Be open and honest with her about how you feel. Hopefully she can respect that and you guys can work things out. Not defending her actions by any means, but having gone to college for my doctorate in PT as well, and having faced the boards; I know the immense stress that can bring on! Some days you feel soo secluded and feel like no one understands it. It was truthfully one of the hardest times in my life!!! With that bring said, it doesn't justify what your explaining in her behavior (maybe she's breaking down). You've been going thru a lot too and she should respect that! I wish you two the best and hope you can work your friendship out!!

sarahmu7

Thanks for the advice. I know you're only hearing my side of the story, so it's hard to give advice. It would be different if she wasn't the one friend I basically talk to not on text messages. We talk on the phone at least once a week, depending on how often my MIL isn't home. I don't like being on the phone when she's home since the house is so small and there's no place for privacy.
I try not to monopolize conversations when we do get to talk.
I know people grow apart, I have with some friends in the past as well, but never made an announcement like that. It just seems super weird to me. If she brought it up and gave me a chance to apologize for whatever was bothering her it would be different, but she just announced we were done which totally put me on the defensive.
I know her brother and sister both getting married is weighing on her, but I've told her that she'll find the right guy when the time is right and she should be concentrating on school since that is so important to her. I don't know if she just feels alone or what, but secluding herself isn't going to help. Her therapist went on maternity leave and I know she hasn't found a new one yet she liked. I just don't know how to help and it's really bothering me.

Saratiff

Honestly, it sounds like maybe you both are not as good of friends as you thought you were? I love my friends (I have four friendS we have been together since elementary school plus a few others from middle and high school) and some times we go way too long without talking. But we all understand that things are happening. We are busy and crazy. They know if they needed me I would be there in a second and vice versa. We don't hold it against each other and when we do talk or get together it's like nothing changed.

It's a two way street. If one of them tried to pull that on me, I would be hurt but then move on. Not cut her out completely but as many can tell I don't have time for petty Bologna in my life.

sarahmu7

I don't plan on cutting her out and I'd be there for her any time she needs it. I just don't understand where all this came from. I understand everyone is busy and has their own lives, but it seems like she's holding it against me that I'm starting a family and she's not. I can't even bring anything up with her because she just stops me before I can start by saying I've been with my husband too long and I don't understand dating and being single anymore. I'm at a loss and don't want to lose a friend but I think she's already made up her mind.

Kwest1007

sarahmu7 said:

I don't plan on cutting her out and I'd be there for her any time she needs it. I just don't understand where all this came from. I understand everyone is busy and has their own lives, but it seems like she's holding it against me that I'm starting a family and she's not. I can't even bring anything up with her because she just stops me before I can start by saying I've been with my husband too long and I don't understand dating and being single anymore. I'm at a loss and don't want to lose a friend but I think she's already made up her mind.

That's tough. If she's ignoring you, maybe send her a heartfelt email and then give her some space. Maybe she just needs some time to reevaluate things. Hopefully she will come around and value the friendship you have had over these years.

Miz_Liz

Honestly, as others have said, hard to give advice without knowing the whole history and both sides of the story, but clearly something has her pissed off, I doubt it is as out of the blue as it is seeming to you. I don't mean that to sound rude, but my guess is something has been festering for awhile and because you have so much going on in your life, you have missed all of the warning signs. Now, do I agree she should act the way she is and just push you away without talking about it? No, but again, until you two do talk about it, you aren't going to know what caused it. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now, which is totally understandable, and maybe your life and what you are going through is consuming your every conversation with her and making her feel like it is all about you all of the time? Did you send her a card when she graduated or do anything to acknowledge it? I know she hasn't passed her boards yet, but it is still a huge accomplishment to graduate and if she has been your friend for 15+ years, the graduation itself was cause for celebration as will be her passing the boards. Maybe do some real thinking about the past few months and all of your interactions with her - be totally honest with yourself because just saying, "I haven't done anything wrong," (not saying you are saying that) is not going to help you at all. Really step back and try to remember your conversations and interactions and ask yourself how much you know about what is going on in her life right now (besides graduation) and maybe that will help answer how much you have been listening to her and showing interest in her life? She may not have as many big life changes going on right now, but you still need to make sure to make time to talk to her about her and show interest in what she does have going on and not downplay any of it. I personally would do that, step back, really look at it, and THEN talk to her and maybe start with an apology to her if one is due? Again, I don't know the whole story, just trying to think of why someone would suddenly react the way she has and the only thing that I can think of without knowing more is she feels like everything is only about you right now and her feelings are hurt.

cseley321

If you still want to remain friends, I would just send her an email or text message apologizing and let her know that you value your friendship with her and will give her the time/space she needs and that you hope that things can be worked out.  Don't make excuses or anything, just let her know that you are ready to talk to her as soon as she's ready.  She may be going through a really stressful time and is having a hard time dealing with it - who knows.

Good luck and I hope you guys can work things out.

sarahmu7

I know. I wish I was just given the opportunity to have an adult conversation before she decided she wanted a break.

Lovetangle

I feel your pain! My good friend for 10 years stopped responding to me after i announced my pregnancy. Also one of my best friends that I used to see 4x/week will still text me a few times a week but only about herself. She never asks about me or my pregnancy. She has been getting over a breakup and I was her entire support system for the first 4 months of it. Then it got harder to listen to her cry for 30 minutes on the phone every night when I was feeling crappy myself.

I did try to to talk to both of them. The first never responded so that's over. The second got better for a few days and then reverted back to being only about herself for the last couple of months. It's probably time for another talk.

Don't give up if you want the relationship to continue. It's hard to put in extra work on our part when we're going thru sooo much already. Sorry you're going thru this!