Hate that I'm here.. 14 week loss

daisy62103

I feel like I need to tell my story to others that might understand what I'm going through. No one close to me really gets it as they've never experienced this. 

We saw our sweet baby at our 9 week dating ultrasound going crazy on the screen with 180 bpm. I was thrilled everything looked so great, especially nervous since my previous two losses at 6 weeks. Such relief. I've been horribly nauseous for 10 weeks and within the last week or so had just started feeling better. Things were getting better and I was almost 14 weeks, starting the 2nd trimester! I was finally really starting to relax. We were getting ready to tell the world. I went in monday at 13w6d. It was supposed to be a quick appointment just to listen to baby's heartbeat. The PA couldn't find it on the doppler, which was surprising since the midwife first found it at 10w3d despite my uterus being tilted back. I also bought a home doppler and had just found the hb on Friday.

I was taken right back to ultrasound. I was all alone except for my 18 month old and suddenly terrified. She immediately found my beautiful baby and I was told there was no cardiac activity. I'll never forget that moment. I was a complete wreck. Dr told me our baby had passed away very recently, in the past day or two. Fast forward, I had my d&c yesterday. It went well, but I feel completely traumatized and still in shock. I just don't understand any of this.

I was so so excited for another little person to join our family and completely devastated my baby is now gone. I see the dr in two weeks for a followup and baby was sent off for testing. I'm 36, 37 in November and never planned to still be having children at this age. My two previous mc's and brain surgery sucked a year and a half from my life. I desperately want my 4th baby now, but am so terrified of this happening again. I don't know if I could handle the heartbreak again, but also can't imagine not having my last baby and ending on such a horrible note. I'm nervous my age is the reason this happened and I'll only be older when/if I conceive again. Dr is confused too as to why I've had 3 healthy pregnancies and now 3 mc's. It doesn't make sense.

Thanks for letting me tell my story. I'm so sorry for everyone else's loss(es). MC is absolutely devasting, but it's also comforting to know others understand my pain. Praying for all of us to recover physically and emotionally.

rachrobertson

I am so sorry for your loss. My story is extremely similar to yours. Saw a healthy baby at 9 weeks,went back alone with my 2 year old at 13 weeks, and they couldn't find a heartbeat, had a d&c later that week. I will never go to the doctor alone after that experience, fighting a toddler down the hallway that wants to run way ahead and argue with you, while trying to keep yourself together until you get to the car and burst into hysterics. Horrible. I know my doctor said after3 consecutive losses, they start testing, but he kept telling me that since I have had a healthy pregnancy previously, it could just be 3 strikes of bad luck and testing wouldn't reveal anything. So, I am afraid they would be hesitant to test, but if I have a second mc, I am pushing for testing. Will your doctor test now that you have had 3? Did they test this baby for cause of loss? Praying you find answers.

daisy62103

thanks for the response.

My dr just called actually and yes baby is being tested for chromosome issues and she said she'd like to do a blood workup on me as well and make sure I don't have a blood clotting issue that causes mc's but that would be easy to fix at least. She'll test for a couple other things as well. I feel a little better after talking to her. She wants me to wait to ttc again for one cycle and at least until we have blood work back of course so we're giving the next baby the best chance possible. She thinks it's going to turn out to be a chromosome abnormality. 

MamaBish

I'm so terribly sorry for your losses. I know that awful ultrasound feeling all too well. You can get through this, mama!

((hugs))

MWoodside

I'm so sorry. Your story is identical to my 14 wk loss in 2012 except my child wasn't in the office with me. I vividly recall the feeling of being devastated.