Big Bang Theory has become my reality

intheversa

So I'm getting to the point that I can't stand my DH's friends anymore. Most of them I'm fine with but there's this group of 4 of them that hang out with him 24/7 and it's making me crazy. If you've ever seen the Big Bang Theory, I married the Big Bang Theory. Seriously! I have a real life Sheldon at my house all the time and I can't watch the show anymore because it's become my reality. They all work together with the exception of my DH who works for the company that they all used to work at. They play games every Tuesday. Most of them can't bother to use a trashcan, put a beer bottle or bottle cap in the trash, or put away their dishes. They sit on Google chat and talk all day long (I know because he leaves his tablet at home and I see it blowing up non-stop). They come over to our house once a week and play board games or D&D and call him on the weekends to come over (which he never does anymore). We had to limit it to one night a week b/c they were over all the time. And they're so loud that I can be on the second floor and hear them all the way from the basement. I've talked to my DH several times. We've asked them to keep it down, we've moved a trashcan into the room that they game, we've even talked to them about the mess. Some of them have been more respectful lately, but for the most part it's the same me and my DH (mostly me) picking up the mess the next day. And they're all in their late twenties, early thirties. Two of them are engaged, one of them is unhappily married, and one of them is determined to be a permanent bachelor. 

We told them once the baby gets here, no more game nights because that's just not our life anymore and for as loud and messy as they get, it's too hard with the baby. One of the fiances is freaking out because she thinks that he's going to move game nights to their place and she doesn't want the mess or stress of picking up after them. I know they're not happy with things changing, but it's part of growing up. I feel bad about being so annoyed with them because they're my DH's friends and I know he's torn. He's tried eliminating weekly game nights at our house all together but there were a lot of comments about how unfair it was and we agreed to start them up again until the baby arrives. I just don't know how much more I can stand. The other day we were at one of their houses. My friend and I got up to go get a drink and when we came back out my DH and the "Sheldon" one had taken our chairs. My DH immediately got up, saying how we took their chairs plus I'm pregnant so they should probably get up, but the "Sheldon" one said "Ha sucks to be you! You got up!" One of them also complained about me not wanting to see the midnight showing of Star Wars in December. I told them we would have a newborn and there's no way. He said, "Why can't you just dump the kid at your parent's house for a night, what will it hurt?" I should mention that he hates kids and doesn't want them. I should also mention that they only want to see the midnight showing so they can get the stupid specialty poster for the movie. 

I'm sorry, I needed to vent. I can't take much more of them. I'm eager for the baby to get here so that we can finally be parents, but also so that I can finally show them the door hopefully. 

aah1013

Tick tock! Tick tock! It will all (hopefully) be over soon! Maybe if you're unpleasant enough they won't want to come over? Lol

LiveNLove44

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I don't have time for adults who can't be adults. I also work hard to honor and respect my husband's relationships with other people (his friends, family, etc.) and I can see how the conflict here would be super challenging. It really sounds like your husband is the one who needs to establish clear expectations of his friends. I don't think it's appropriate for his friends to interact with you in a way that makes you feel like you are the "enforcer" and your husband is merely going along with your new (improved) rules. This also sounds like an excellent time for you and your husband to get on the same page and be consistent. If you say one thing, follow through with it. If it's time for the game night to rotate houses, do it. Don't renegotiate because someone says it isn't fair. Kids will say that all the time, fair or not, and the parents' role is to be firm and provide structure. Practice on these guys

intheversa

We have agreed to keep the weekly game nights through August, provided we have everything done on the house that needs to be done before baby.  And then he's telling him that he's done, he just won't have time for it anymore. Honestly he's kind of ready to be done.

He's already cancelling the next two weeks because they're coming over on the weekends since I'll be out of town. That way we can actually get some time together and we can keep the mess under control. He's had so many conversations with them about the mess and the noise. He's considering moving them down to the basement because they're so loud. Sadly it's mostly two of them. We've told them to keep it down, they say OK and get louder. They like to talk over each other. Honestly I feel bad because I get along with all of his other friends, but most of them are married, respectful adults with responsibilities. 

I just hate that we've been having this issue for two years and there's no where else for them to go. They all live well outside the city in different directions. We live in the city center and as they all work in the city center, they come to our house after work because it's more convenient. One of them is house hunting in our area, mostly for the same convenience. I think they plan on moving it over to his place, but I know his fiance isn't having it because she knows what goes on here. Honestly once the baby arrives I think it will be the end of their weekly guy nights. Not that it will be our problem. 

Dana_luvs_Jayson

The last video game night my DH had at our house was in my first trimester. The guys were loud and kept me up till about 3am. I also would be stuck cleaning up the next morning after not getting any sleep. I told my DH the next morning no more game nights at our house. They go over to another house now maybe a few times per month. I can't imagine still having them at our house when I have trouble sleeping as it is.

DeeGreer

This is my best friends life to every detail. She's not pregnant but it annoys the crap out of her. How 5 grown men are so messy, loud and generally disrespectful of their home is beyond me. I personally don't like any of them so I have no qualms about telling them what obnoxious slobs they are. My best friend is like my sister and she's so soft spoken so when I can see she's upset I get defensive and stick up for her. One of her fiancés friends finally got his own place so they did start to have game /movie night over there. Another thing that drives them crazy is if she has girls night at her house they get uncomfortable and leave pretty quickly. Just an idea! I know it's frustrating, I hope they get the idea pretty soon though! Hang in there!

kindlycrystal

Wow, I am so sorry that you have to deal with such inconsiderate friends. My husband and I would often host gatherings to play games or D&D, but our friends were always very respectful and cleaned up after themselves. It was an unspoken rule that you always helped clean up or do dishes before leaving. I'm actually looking forward to having them over more often when we move to a new place that is bigger and closer. 

Just a thought, but is there a local gaming store they could meet at? Most have some space set aside for groups to use to game. I used to work at one and a bunch of groups would meet for a few hours every other week to play board games or roleplaying games, including my group. It was much better than meeting at someone's house, since the tables were bigger and better suited to what we were playing. It's a long shot, but if no one wants to host it might be an alternative. 

Edit: grammar

sgoodsel

intheversa said:

Some of them have been more respectful lately, but for the most part it's the same me and my DH (mostly me) picking up the mess the next day. 

Why isn't DH taking all the responsibility in cleaning up after his friends? I wouldn't be cleaning up at all, that is his job. 

Or your DH should enforce that all of his friends help clean up before they go home. Maybe he would be more likely to solicit their help if he knew he was going to have to clean it all up himself if they didn't help.

Good luck! It would drive me nuts to clean up after other people every week!

millereliz13

We were having an issue that was similar a few years back with a DnD group that we had. We has major issues with a player that was rude, messy, loud, and didn't respect my furniture. I ended up sending an email to the entire group adressing the house rules and setting up that if they couldn't follow the requests, they weren't welcome in my home. It worked for us.

intheversa

For as much as I hate to do this to my DH, I think I'm going to make them start cleaning up their mess before they leave. They leave around 10:30 every night. So if they won't do it, my DH will have to. He always offers and makes a fuss if I do it, but the problem is he does it three days later. Since I'm a stay at home mom or will be soon, I clean the house. I don't mind, it's fair and it's a rule that I made, but I shouldn't have to clean up after them. It's always beer bottles, sticky whiskey bottles, and bottle caps. Plus dishes and their food trash.  They drink so much whiskey and they spill it on the counter so it leaves a sticky mess on my granite so if I don't clean it up right away it takes forever to get off. My DH said he's going to try and pick up after them as the night goes on. I'm good with that as long as he sticks to it.

@kindlycrystal sometimes they do meet at a local gaming store, but it's about 20 minutes east of where we live it's an hour for them to go home so it's too inconvenient for them. Plus I'm sure the store would kick them out much earlier than 10:30, that's my limit. I keep telling myself it's only a few more weeks. At least they don't block me in anymore. They used to park on both sides of our drive way and if they beat me home from work I would have to park on the street, make them move their car and then park. I put an end to that that. The worst was honestly when I was still working (up until three weeks ago) and I would work a 10 hour day on my feet, come home exhausted and they where there, taking over my whole main floor. It just wanted to go somewhere after that.

Since there's only a few weeks left that I have to deal with them, I may just go to my local coffee shop and do some writing or something to get away from them for a few hours. My DH said he never wants his friends to make me feel like I need to leave the house, but honestly, it's the only way I can stand them. 

kindlycrystal

@intheversa, Ah well, it was a long shot.  

I like the idea @millereliz13 had about sending an email or addressing the issue directly to everyone involved, but it should come from your DH. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to leave your own house and your husband should back you on this (words from my DH, who was appalled to hear about this). 

intheversa

@kindlycrystal My DH doesn't want me to feel driven from the house either, so he's trying to find a solution. Today he called me to tell me that one of them offered to take it over, but he lives 45 min just from our house so it would be well over an hour for everyone else. I think for as much as my they don't want this, it's getting moved to one of the people's houses that lives 45 min from us.  And it's getting dropped to once a month. That starts in September. This month thankfully he's cancelling all the guy nights after this week so that we can get some work done on the house. As for August, they are going to play it by ear or try to move it to someone else's place. 

I realize that this baby is changing a lot for them, but that's not my problem. My DH assumed that once she got here he would be done with the weekly guy nights anyway. And my DH said that he's going to talk to them beforehand tonight about picking up better. If they don't he may have to email them like @millereliz13 suggested, but we've tried that in the past and they just don't take it seriously. It's mostly just one of them. It's obvious that his wife picks up after him and he feels that it's my place to do so as well, but my DH is trying to get him understand that's not how it is in our house. And sadly because he's the one that makes the noise 95% of the time, he will be the reason that these guy nights won't even be possible after the baby is born. He doesn't need to know that, but everyone else can put it together.