Mommyhood & relationship issues

browneyes_326

Hello ladies!
Ok so I have thought about posting about this issue for a couple weeks ... I finally decided that this may be a good place to open this discussion. We're all about the same age and I'm hoping someone relates!
So particularly mommy's with one or more smallish children, can any of you relate to stress w/ your DH.
I am a SAHM at the moment and we are having #3 (2yo DD / 5yo DS). There is building resentment between us for a couple reasons: for me DH is really good at taking the reins a couple night a week when the kids are infants so I can sleep but at 2 & 5 not so much. Both of my kids are difficult at night. DS can take hours to get to bed and DD is STILL waking up 1 or 2 times a night. So needless to say I am exhausted in the mornings dealing with them & being pregnant (14 weeks).
DH says he's sick of me saying Im tired & he had the nerve this morning to say: Well you don't get up and help me get ready for work in the morning! ... Does he think he's my 3rd child?
Side note: We are currently in transit moving across country staying at my IL's house so that argument isn't even relative at the moment.
So to DH's issue: we definitely have a less than an enviable sex life. I remember my feelings changing about half way through my pregnancy with my DD. I'm trying to sort out the root of this ... Hormonal or just resentment from past issues (and exhaustion). Before this pregnancy I actually had an extensive panel of blood work done & everything is normal.
In any case it's a cycle. I say women need to feel support and kindness to want to be intimate and he says the lack of intimacy makes him standoffish & grouchy. Oh lord it's a mess.
I honestly could go w/o it and not even think about it but I know this is not healthy (and completely abnormal for me).
Anyway! It was good to just get this all out! Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far

PlainJane8350

I'm sorry that's happening to you! Pregnancy is stressful, but it sounds like you guys are dealing with extra stressful stuff, too. I don't really have advice, but do know that you're not alone! I'm a F.T.M, but on pelvic rest. Because I can't have sex, my husband doesn't think that he shouldn't be affectionate at all! One of my friends is 35 weeks and told me last night that her husband's been binge drinking, the last time the night before her shower. He got sick all over there bedroom, then went and slept in the spare room leaving her to sleep on the couch.

browneyes_326

Thank you @PlainJane8350! I think at our age (just meaning we are not in our 20's anymore!) we know intellectually that there are many many other women going through things like this but there's always that voice that says 'Maybe I'm the only one'.
Thank you for your response! You can definitely relate! Intimacy issues are difficult regardless if it's doctor enforced or otherwise. I think it's very complicated for men too ... Weirdly I think they feel rejected even if it's completely out of our control

PlainJane8350

Oh, I know. I have a friend from college that our emailing back and forth and, I'll call it venting about our husband's, is probably the only thing that's kept us both from killing them. I agree about the rejection, too. For the sex who's supposed to be the less sensitive they sure are sensitive, they just don't express it like we do!

KateLouise

Hi,

DH and I are at a similar stage in our lives, pregnant with our 3rd and a 3yr old and 5 yr old.  We both work full-time, so we don't currently have that issue of him seeing the kids as "my job" but we have gone through those issues when I've had time at home on maternity leave (I've had 12 mths with each child).

We've also gone through phases of very little sex, and us basically falling out of the habit of being affectionate with each other.

It's a good idea to try and identify if there are underlying resentments, or health issues. One year I had a thyroid issue, and it wasn't until my endocrinologist asked me about our sex life, and I said we haven't had sex in months and he said, "and you really don't care do you?" and I thought, "no not really." that I realised how much my health had affected our sex life.

At other times I've felt resentful of DH acting like I was doing nothing at home all day,and sometimes acting like another child I had to look after.

Things that have helped us at different times:

- Solving health issues (thyroid, catching up on sleep where possible, time for myself, relieving stress issues for DH etc etc)

- Communicating resentments and issues at a non-heated time, but rather in a calm relaxed way of, "I feel like our relationship is drifting apart, what can we do to work on that?"

 Coming at it as a problem to solve together, and having some suggestions up my sleeve to make straight away that make it clear I'm not blaming him eg. - Could we have a date night regularly? and questions that are focused on what does DH need eg - How often would you ideally want sex? - are you getting enough time on hobbies? 

So by being generous towards what he needs in the conversation it makes it easier to ask for what you need.

- Letting DH have the kids for a day/night or whatever to remind him how much work they are.

- A change in my own mindset. When I've been feeling tetchy about something DH is doing, I find if I ask myself ,"what is he trying to achieve?" it puts it in a different perspective, because 9 times out of 10 the answer isn't that he's trying to be lazy/annoying/disrepectful he's actually trying to have some down time after a long day/have some time with the kids/get the kids into bed/get some chore done.

- Look for ways to build the habit of being affectionate or attentive. I have found it easy to think, "DH never kisses me, so I'll just sit over here." and then when he did be affectionate I'd be non-responsive to him because I was out of the habit. So I'd make myself be affectionate. A kiss here, a squeeze on the arm there. Just small things to keep us connected. It also helped me to think of DH in a sexy way, rather than as a roommate.

On balance DH and I have a good marriage, but we've defiinitely had ups and downs with our intimacy, and have had resentments and bad habits creep in, but I do believe firmly that if you want to put the work in, you can turn things around. 

Best wishes to you.

browneyes_326

@PlainJane8350 thank you for relating
@KateLouise thank you for the great practical advice! I can relate to so much of this! And I think I will talk to my dr again just to double check there is not a medical issue lingering.

PlainJane8350

I just wanted to let you know that I almost killed my husband this week. You are not alone!