Establishing New Family Traditions

MrsLujan0513

This is probably way too far in advance to be thinking about, especially as a FTM, but after a discussion with my MIL yesterday, it's been on my mind. I'll give a little bit of a backstory to help this post make sense. 

My MIL bought this embarrassing birthday hat several years ago, and has always forced my husband to wear it on his birthday, which he absolutely hates doing. Yesterday, she made the comment that she could not wait for our sons first birthday so she could make him wear "the birthday hat" because he "will hopefully hate it as much as his father does." My first thought was that I don't ever want my son to hate his birthdays, albeit he won't even remember the first one. I made a comment about starting our own birthday traditions and she seemed very upset that I didn't want to carry on with the birthday hat. My husband and I are so excited about experiencing all of these big moments with our son, and starting those new traditions is something we are really looking forward to. 

I'm just curious as to how others establish their own traditions as a new family. What is the best way to go about doing so without upsetting people if you choose not to carry on past traditions? Has anyone else had issues like this? Thanks for the help! 

Seed0824

I pick my battles. If it's something my hubby and I both feel strongly against like religious things, we do what we want and deal with whatever comes. If we don't prefer to do it but it's not instead of something we want to do or we can compromise somehow, sometimes it's not worth the battle.

dkizz82

I'm
Nervous about Christmas, or any holiday traditions. So far we've made it work with both families. Let's say Christmas for example. We drive 4 hours for Christmas Eve at my moms and work in Christmas with my dad somewhere. Then we come back and so Christmas with my in laws. I want her to be home for Christmas and start our own traditions. It's hard when you live far away.

abim717

We have made it clear to our families that we will not be driving to everyone's house on Christmas day once we have kids so this Christmas we will be at home and they can come see us if they want to. This will be hard for some family members who don't want to let go of their own tradition but my family is my priority - not their feelings. It's better than me doing what they want with a bad attitude just to make them happy and this is when we can start our own traditions. I say stick to your guns! Good luck!

jlsweets

I can relate. When we had our son my mil wanted us to do everything she did with my husband and sister-in-law when they were growing up. For the first year I went ahead with it but then it really started to bother me. She was so hasty as to book holiday traditions way far in advance so that we couldn't say no. Finally last year for Halloween she wanted us again to go to this pumpkin patch with them then trick or treating in the same neighborhood where my husband grew up. I finally had to tell her. I was just upfront and completely honest that now that we have our own family we would like to establish our own family traditions. From now on for Halloween we will be trick or treating in our town with his little friends, not his grandparents. I could tell she was a little hurt but then said ok she understood. Each holiday I tackle a little more. We still do plenty of holiday things with them but we want our own special traditions as well. My suggestion would be to speak up sooner than later . Nothing wrong with doing some of her traditions but creating your own is important

Miz_Liz

We went through this with my MIL. The first Christmas she said, "So what time should we be at your house in the morning to open gifts?" I forget what snotty thing I said back "joking" but making it clear it wasn't happening. She keeps talking about trick-or-treating with us too. The fact of it is, growing up neither of us did that stuff with our grandparents, we did it with our parents and siblings, and that is what we want for our kids too. Now that is NOT to say we won't do things with our families, after we open gifts on Christmas we still go to both family parties and such, but Christmas morning is just for us. Same goes with Easter morning and Easter Egg hunts with our little guy (and soon to be little gal too). My MIL seems to think she is the only one who is "banned" though, she will trap my mom at parties and goes, "So, did YOU get to go to the Easter Egg hunt?" Luckily my mom just says, "I didn't even know there was an Easter Egg hunt." It was hard for me the first year I did not sleep over my parents' house on Christmas Eve, but it is so important to us to start these traditions with our kids just like we each had growing up. I would let your DH handle his parents. Feelings will get hurt, but they will get over it.

sarahmu7

This is something I'm very worried about. My MIL goes to my husband's cousins to spend the holiday with them since she has a 10 year old son. She's done that ever since he was born. I'm not sure if she assumes she's going to do the same thing with us, but she's going to be disappointed. I want our holidays to be just us, at least first thing in the morning. I think my biggest problem is going to be with my brother. He's so stuck in his ways and everything has to be about his wife and her 2 kids.

lifesabeach85

OP - the main thing that worries me is that your husband, despite being an adult, can't stand up to his mom and not wear the birthday hat himself. Will he be able to stand up to her regarding your son and family traditions?

As for us, we are going to decide together what to do with each of our families and what to do just us when dd (and future children) are here. Both our families live in other states so obviously this makes excuses (time and money) easier to come by when need be. This year we will do thanksgiving with husbands fam and Christmas with mine.

It might be a good idea to make decisions about traditions as they come up, but make them together and keep a united front.

Starynightsky24

We just decide as we go. DH and I have both given up different family traditions.

Do what you want to. My guess is that someone's feelings will get hurt either way. It's about doing what you feel is right for your family though.

My mom is understanding and never gives me grief about any decision we make about holidays. MIL is a whole different story. She gets butt hurt about everything. We've gotten to where we basically have to just not care what she thinks anymore.

puccagirl77

So it isn't easy. I kind of lost it with my MIL last year because she just asked me at the wrong time about Christmas and she was actually really understanding of my frustration and was like, "Congratulations, you are the matriarch." Grrrreat.

Lalala2326

My MIL tries stuff like this too once in a while, but we just do what we are going to do. If she gets offended, sorry, but its not her choice at this point. Last Christmas she decided that we should do the Elf on a Shelf thing for instance and just bought it for us without asking if we wanted to do it or not. That stupid thing is a lot of work! I have zero interest in it and actually both me and my husband find it creepy. We didn't dp it last year and we packed away the book and stuff and gave DD the elf to play with as she pleases. I have no intention of doing it and have no intention of saying anything to her about it. We also have Christmas morning just for us (unless we are traveling for some reason and can't - in that case we make Christmas a different day and celebrate it as our little family then).

MouseMama817

The biggest tradition I'm concerned with is my in-laws Christmas celebration. A lot of Hispanic families celebrate Christmas the way most people celebrate New Year's Eve. They have a big dinner at midnight the night before so you're literally ringing in Christmas morning. This past Christmas was a huge struggle for me as I was eight weeks pregnant and exhausted. I was literally falling asleep at the table.
Afterwards I told my husband that we probably were not going to be able to do this next Christmas as our baby will be four months old and doesn't need to be out and about at midnight. He wasn't so receptive.
I think he'll come around once he understands how important it is to not interrupt a newborns sleep schedule. But if I have to argue with both my in-laws and him about what's best for my baby it will not be pretty!

MamaMandy2015

I would kindly tell all the family in advance that because there will be a new baby you will be doing your own thing for the holidays. Such as establishing new family traditions. Yes they will be hurt at first because they are so used to things a certain way, however after the first year possibly start integrating old traditions with your new ones. I feel the first year with baby is the most important because if it is your first child you want to be able to spend the holidays the way you chose, after that make plans to split holidays between the families. Even though my DH and I have 3 children already (Ms. Lily wasn't planned, honestly thought we were done for good) both our families are in a sort of battle for our time. My DH will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas (he works at a mine) so we will be traveling out of town to where is work is and spend it with him, neither family is very happy about it, but hey that's what happens. Be respectful, be firm and don't feel guilt tripped into doing something you don't want to do. Best of luck love!

Wering

@messymolly08 - I am ALL about establishing your own traditions. But I will tell you, at 4 months, your baby should be able to sleep anywhere. Before a year old, we had our daughter out until all hours of the night (well, not all hours, but you know). She would sleep wherever we were - a restaurant had her sleeping in her carrier. At the in-laws? Sleeping in a pack and play or on the bed surrounded by pillows. 

My family celebrates Christmas day and my husband's Christmas Eve. We used to do his family until 10 or 11 at night, then get up at 7 AM to drive 2 hours to my family to be there for "Christmas Morning." That eventually morphed to being there by lunchtime so our daughter can enjoy Christmas morning in her own home the way I did growing up. Families will adjust - is this the first baby in your family? What are the others in your family doing about traditions?

MouseMama817

@Wering This will be our first baby, yes. My family celebrates Christmas on the day of. Everyone opens gifts with their little families, then we all get together in the early afternoon for brunch/to open gifts with each other. So luckily no interruptions there.

Christmas is really the only holiday I'm concerned about. My in-laws only celebrate this and Thanksgiving, but they always celebrate Tday the following weekend, so we won't have to go to multiple houses in 1 day.

I'm a FTM so I don't have experience with how easily newborns go down or if transporting them between houses at that time of night will disrupt their sleep schedule. But what happens in consecutive years when we're doing that? I just foresee having issues with a sleepy or cranky child the following day because of this tradition. And I really love the idea of us being snuggled in at home drinking hot cocoa and stuffing stockings on Christmas Eve. I'm kind of a homebody lol. I myself always groan inwardly at the thought of having to be away from home that late at night on any day of the year but I suck it up for DH's sake.

pabeybaby

I am DREADING Christmas with my family. My parents throw the biggest guilt trips during that time. They're like children! My mom has a fit every year because we can't do Christmas on Christmas Day, and to me it really doesn't matter. She still has a hard time coping with the fact that my holidays have to be split up. Which I've only been doing for a couple years and I'm already sick of it. I honestly just want to stay home! My in laws thankfully don't mind whatever happens, they're more laid back. If we don't do gifts, they don't care. My family? Throws a fit over not getting gifts. Seriously, it's happened before. I can hardly imagine how things will go now that there's going to be a baby around. %-(

Saratiff

So my family is divorced so I have moms house and dad's house then DH family. Mind you aside from my inlaws all of DH family is in Chicago and Nebraska. We live in Ct. Holidays have always been a disaster. Oh and I work every other holiday. On the holidays we are in Ct anyone who wants to see us will come to our house. And bring food lol. I'm not driving all over Timbuktu like I have had to do my whole life.

Want to see the baby? Great come on over. Mad my mom or dad is there? Not my damn problem. 24 years of pent up annoyance right there lol

cseley321

I'm dreading thanksgiving as well as christmas. We normally rotate on thanksgiving every year between my family and his. I think my husband is wanting me to cook dinner and try and have BOTH sides come, which would be kind of odd in my opinion.

Christmas eve he wants us to host it the same way, but I'm going to try and talk him into Christmas eve I will host for my family and Christmas afternoon we spend with his family. We will see how it goes. Right now both of our families have their own traditions of celebrating Christmas on Christmas eve, so one family will be disappointed, just not sure who!

MouseMama817

I have some apprehension about Thanksgiving as well with my family. Everyone keeps their shit together on other holidays but for some reason Thanksgiving is the day when certain family members show up drunk and consequently I am always frazzled and cranky. My aunt and her husband/children have stopped celebrating Thanksgiving with the family to avoid the drunk relatives and I'm considering doing the same. Problem is, it will be the first holiday with the baby so I really don't think it's going to go over well.

amylianne

We have a similar situation, except that both sides of our family (and extended family) all live really close. The unfortunate part of that is we have to do 2 of many holiday's... However, there is an up side to that as well. Kids LOVE the to-do of holidays, and for us, they get multiple rounds of it every holiday, every year.

For the big dinners we have done our best to combine both families. So both sides come to our house for Thanksgiving, and both sides go to my parents for Christmas. It's aunts/uncles from both sides, siblings from both sides... we don't all fit at one table, so it's more of a chaotic get together, but everyone brings some piece of food so there isn't a tremendous amount of cooking. The point is to be together and we accomplish that nicely. This is also nice because it leaves Christmas Eve open for us to do our own thing, or join in one of the family things. Since DH has more family out of town, we usually drive to see lights and do activities with his family the week before, and then see my family on Christmas Eve, but as our kids get older we'll start our own Christmas Eve tradition. Then we wake and do presents on our own, DH family comes over to do presents and eat breakfast, and then after naps we head to my parents to do more presents before everyone arrives for dinner. Other people are chasing my hyped up son and soon to be daughter, so I actually get to sit and drink my coffee/wine. It's win-win! 

For Easter we do the morning on our own, then brunch with my family and dinner with his after nap time. That's 3 different Easter egg hunts, which DS thought was the bomb. We do 2 Mothers day's, 2 fathers days, and have to do every other 4th of July. The more you can do together, the better!!

sushilove15

My concern for Christmas this year is a bit different...

This year we are supposed to go to my in laws which is a 7-8 hour drive. We stay in a hotel when we visit but spend all day at their house. The only activity is sitting on the couch watching TV. Here is my concern: their 2 little yappy jumping dogs that have zero training! Their house has a horrific odor of dog pee that slaps you in the face when you walk in. The dogs actually go INSIDE the house to do their business. It's REVOLTING!

I don't want my daughter breathing in those fumes and being in the dirty house. Not to mention the dogs jumping and scratching her as well. I've asked my husband if they could board the dogs when we are there but he refuses to ask.

Am I overreacting? This is actually a big concern for me haha. My husband doesn't want the baby in that environment either but doesn't want to hurt his parents feelings and thinks we should go.

what would you do in this situation? It's awkward because they are not my parents.

lifesabeach85

mwt8673 said:

My concern for Christmas this year is a bit different...

This year we are supposed to go to my in laws which is a 7-8 hour drive. We stay in a hotel when we visit but spend all day at their house. The only activity is sitting on the couch watching TV. Here is my concern: their 2 little yappy jumping dogs that have zero training! Their house has a horrific odor of dog pee that slaps you in the face when you walk in. The dogs actually go INSIDE the house to do their business. It's REVOLTING!

I don't want my daughter breathing in those fumes and being in the dirty house. Not to mention the dogs jumping and scratching her as well. I've asked my husband if they could board the dogs when we are there but he refuses to ask.

Am I overreacting? This is actually a big concern for me haha. My husband doesn't want the baby in that environment either but doesn't want to hurt his parents feelings and thinks we should go.

what would you do in this situation? It's awkward because they are not my parents.

I would tell DH that there would be a limit to how long you and the baby will stay indoors at the house. You'll probably have to go, but you could make a rule of an hour or two, once or twice per day. Blame breastfeeding, or a really strict nap schedule or something. You could try a few out of the house activities too.

sushilove15

Thank you @lbeach5885 for the advice. Those are some great suggestions and you are right, I will probably have to end up going (

I will have to be creative with our activities so we can stay out of the house as much as possible!

kettlekitten

Wering said:

@messymolly08 - I am ALL about establishing your own traditions. But I will tell you, at 4 months, your baby should be able to sleep anywhere. Before a year old, we had our daughter out until all hours of the night (well, not all hours, but you know). She would sleep wherever we were - a restaurant had her sleeping in her carrier

SOME babies will do this. Mine was not one of them. It has never been worth the effort to keep her out late. As a newborn she screamed for hours til she fell asleep - I wouldn't have wanted to take her anywhere. Even now at 2.5 yrs I do not like to mess with her sleep time. Not worth it. We are still up to her in the night most nights, so I need all the sleep I can get and I rarely stay out late.

@messymolly08 If you get a baby like that, I would be telling the in laws I am not comfortable being out that late with the baby. Eventually when he or she is older, he/she can be included in the celebrations