I lost the baby this morning at 9wks. I had gone in last week since I had been increasingly spotting from week 5-8 and lightly bleeding starting Sunday before last. We saw an on track intrauterine pregnancy with a HB of 139. Anyway, this morning was pretty intense/scary because I was hemorrhaging in the hospital(s) the whole time.
Of immediate concern: I think emotionally it's finally sinking in but I still feel like I'm crying for no reason. I'm a Myers-Briggs INTJ, so emotions are REALLY weird for me. I'm normally pretty stoic with an outstanding sense of humor. The crying started hours after I got home when I called my regular doc to leave a message to update my record. Maybe it's because it was fucking scary. Too much blood and I felt like everyone was powerless to help me. I was afraid they'd put me out and decide to do a hysterectomy instead or something. My belated reaction feels like when you narrowly miss a major car accident and minutes later, when you're safe and out of harm's way, that's when your adrenaline kicks in making you want to puke and your heart races. I swear I have PTSD from this already. Thanks to the D&C my bleeding has all but stopped, physically it was the best choice. Mentally, I think they let me bleed too long (6.5hrs) before putting me under. I'm having phantom/ghost sensations of passing huge clots, warm sticky blood pooling under me and feeling wet & uncomfortable. Does this ever go away?
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The following is just my story from this morning. I only put in here in hopes that someone won't make the mistake of downplaying excessive bleeding. I feel like I wouldn't have made it trying to do this privately at home. It was just... too much. I hope you don't mind if I x-post my updates from my EDD group:
Last night started light cramping. Was able to sleep and woke this morning with more severe cramping. DH is using a leave day to watch the kiddos. I Started gushing with clots. It was like peeing blood from my uterus. I have a history of PP hemorrhage and hemorrhaged after my 2003 loss. Drove to the nearest ER but the hospital portion was closed because they just built a new one a 30min drive north, so D&C isn't possible here. With my history and considering I soaked one pad just walking from the car, I was taken straight back.
Got the big ass IV, got pain Meds which don't take the edge off cramps, but make me hazy enough in between to rest. Just got ultrasound. Waiting on full results but obviously miscarrying. They're not even bothering with the pads anymore as I'd have to change every 10min. Every time I move I pass golf-ball to plum sized clots which they say are huge. It's straight up Carrie in here. I'm not allowed to get up except to pee and with an escort (poor housekeeping! I'm pretty much covered in blood from the top of my butt crack to my knees, so um... the seat and floor in the head get covered any time I gotta pee.) I'm on my second gown and I've gone through 6 pads in the first hour (maternity pads and mesh undies are a JOKE) and then like 8 puppy pad things. Right now they're just trying to keep me comfortable and dry (another joke). I have to breathe through the cramps but am able to keep a sense of humor with the staff the rest of the time. There's not much dignity to be had in this situation. Going to see if they're going to give me the magic stop bleeding meds like after delivery. Obviously can't go home until bleeding is under control. This isn't even remotely under control now. If bleeding can't get under control I'll need to get taken to the new hospital for a D&C. Not sure if ambulatory or if they'll want DH to drive. In any event. I can't drive my car home today. Not an option with the meds.
** Doc just came in, fetal sac is causing pressure on cervix, obviously no cardiac activity. He's calling to consult at the big hospital now to try and get me referred for a D&C to get bleeding under control.
***Doc just came back. They're transferring me via ambulance to the new hospital.
****Thanks ladies. This will be a little TMI but I think it may help someone maybe in determining what's normal/abnormal. I'm so glad I went to the hospital. I'm afraid I could've bled out at home without IVs or care.
After 6 maternity pads, 4 destroyed panties (one set of super comfy period panties I was kinda sad to see go and 3 of the *super sexy* mesh ones), an ambulance transfer, 4 gowns, 2 large bore IVs, something like 14 puppy (chuck) pads, an unknown amount of linens, and some really cool drugs I was taken back for a D&C that breezed by in 35min. My clots were getting up to fist-sized. My nurses were pretty freaked out/nervous. Basically, I told them the secret to keeping me happy/comfortable was just to try their best to keep me "dry" and to keep the packets of body wash wipes coming (heaven! Wiping with TP never felt so pointless. It was like trying to wipe while you were still sopping wet from swimming... it just disintegrates). Dry & clean = (everything considered) happy me. I was given a lot more cocktails after the procedure and a narcotics script. The most emotional/confusing point in all of it was when they provided me fetal disposal paperwork without much verbal explanation... opted for the hospital to take care of it in a (mass?) unmarked grave in a nearby cemetery after testing. I think I could only see doing the mortuary thing for a 2nd tri loss or stillbirth. I'm just focused mostly on physical healing. I think emotionally I made my peace with this possibility over the last month of spotting/bleeding/limbo.
I'm very pleased to say that I'm home now where a maternity pad with mesh panties can handle it now and clots are grape size or smaller. DH came to pick me up, unfortunately but unavoidably with my 10yo and 5yo in tow. I told them it was an ovarian cyst that had to be removed surgically since it was threatening torsion (mostly my 10yo, LOTS of questions). DH was able to go in another room with the recovery nurse and get all the nitty gritty post-op directions. He let his boss know and the Sgt. Major (boss's boss) is telling him to take a full week *off the books*. How's that for "paternity leave"? My one other IRL contact in-the-pregnancy-loop-from-the-beginning BFF knows, has experienced a loss herself, now knows and is available to talk.
This group has been really, really wonderful and I was so looking forward to going through the next 7 months with you all. I will miss you all dearly, especially those few I've really "clicked with" here. We will likely try again soon and maybe I'll catch some of you in a trimester group down the road.
Re: Intro
BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks;
BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016
The good news is that my PCM says that as soon as my two weeks of pelvic rest are up, we can ignore the 1-3 month recommended waiting period because I'm well versed in TCOYF/temping/Billings. Due to my mentality surrounding this... having had a month of spotting to come to grips with the possibility, accepting the loss as soon as I was told there was no heartbeat, and expressing frustration that I've lost 2-3 precious months, he thinks it'll just make depression set in if I'm forced to wait. So that's good news.