~siggy warning~ Lost baby yesterday

gracefulruby33

I have had so many women that I love in my life have a miscarriage and I always felt so sorry for them. I have a beautiful daughter that was never a rainbow baby and my pregnancy was a dream. I was one of the lucky ones. One of the people that would never have to experience a loss. I got pregnant again after only trying for three months and I was absolutely naive and a fool to believe that I would never be "one of those women" that experienced a loss. I'm not a religious person at all, but I do think that karma exists. This is mine. Maybe that's a funny way of looking at it, and maybe I am ruffling some feathers by saying so. 

I started bleeding on Sunday with some minor cramping. I called the doctor on call and she wasn't alarmed, but she did want me to come into the hospital for a Rhogam shot in case the baby had a positive blood type (I'm negative). I went in nervous, of course, and hoping for my first ultrasound because I hadn't done one at my first appointment the week before with my OB. Wish granted, I saw a tiny blip in my uterus. One that I knew was too small, but was reassured that because of my irregular periods, I could just be not as far along as my LMP would suggest (9.5 weeks). I drove up to my in-laws' that afternoon with my husband and daughter. I experienced severe cramping a couple of hours later and demanded to go home. I sat in the backseat with Ellie and held her hand, telling her that now was not the time that she would be a big sister and hopefully she would be someday. Thank goodness she is only 3.5 and doesn't really understand what was happening. Thank goodness she had only kissed my tummy one time, and probably had forgotten she did it. 

I came home and quickly passed baby. So much blood. I held my baby, sobbing, apologizing, next to the toilet. I put it in a box. I couldn't throw it away. I couldn't flush it down the toilet. It was my baby. It was Ellie's little brother or sister. My first thought: I'm one of them now. I'm one of "those" women. I'm a statistic. 

I never understood. Now I do. I'm sorry to everyone for being so naive and judgmental. 

rachrobertson

I am sorry for your loss. I was naive to thinking I would never have a loss after a perfect pregnancy with my daughter too. I just thought we were those people that get pregnant easy and have big healthy babies. After six months of trying followed by losing our second baby, I see anyone can become a statistic in the blink of an eye. I think every woman just assumes they will have a healthy baby until they can't get pregnant or suffer a loss and those of us lucky enough to have had a healthy baby are more naive to that.

twointow83

We are all naive at first. My mother had multiple losses and I still never expected to join the club that nobody wants to be a member of. There is an innocence to pregnancy... until you experience a loss, then the game changes and pregnancy never feels as safe as it once did. With my pregnancy before my recent loss, and after my first loss, (my rainbow baby) I couldn't wait for him to be born so I would know he was safe and if I ever got concerned a quick peak could ease my mind. So sorry for your loss (((HUGS)))

whit3183

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm one of "those women" who have had 2 consecutive miscarriages and no successful pregnancies (yet), and I was totally blindsided because I also naively believed that because I was physically fit and in great health otherwise that I would have a perfect pregnancy. One of the hardest things about miscarriage is that it makes you realize how little control you ultimately have over your life and that bad things don't just happen to other people. So sorry you're going through this. 

ivfmommy1228

No need to apologize. Please don't feel like you're being punished for not understanding before this happened. There's no way that you could have. I was naive even though I was having to go through IVF. The only "reason" we were doing IVF was because of my husbands vasectomy that could not be reversed. We ended up with 6 embryos. I had always just wanted one child and my husband already has a 23 year old. While he of course wanted the baby, he would never have thought of having more children if it wasn't for me.

We were so confident that we were going to be successful with the first embryo transfer. I even felt a little guilty that I had "extra" embryos in the freezer. We had two embryos transferred and I feel awful saying this, but I had thoughts that I would be somewhat relieved if the first U/S would've shown just one healthy baby.

When I started miscarrying the first baby last Sunday I found out quickly how bad I wanted both of those babies and maybe all 6 of them. I went from thinking I had "extras" to not nearly enough.

It took me 2 years and a lot of money to get pregnant...and I was still naive. Don't beat yourself up.

Mamasan33

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I have been here more times than I like to admit, but I am glad you have reached out for support. Makes the road a lot less harder when there are others walking it with you. (((HUGS)))

jessicalacey1226

I'm so sorry! I was naive as well. This is my first pregnancy and I've seen so many friends have these terrific pregnancies. I was a little worried when we first got pregnant because I'm a natural worrier. So of course when I had some slight bleeding at 5 weeks, I thought that was it. But my ob assured me it was normal. Had more the next week, still normal. Finally had my u/s at 7 weeks and thought that if there was something going on that was more than just the "baby being close to a blood source" like my ob kept seeing that we would catch it. So when we got to see that little heartbeat going like crazy I figured we were in the clear. I had two rounds of bleeding and baby had a strong heartbeat even though the ob said it might be too early to see it. I started thinking that I'm young and healthy and so of course I'll have a normal pregnancy. Yeah, well, that turned out really well when I had more bleeding that weekend and by Tuesday found out that baby no longer had a heartbeat. Just went today for confirmation, and it's official: no heartbeat/ further growth. Going for my D&C on Saturday.

MrsGargoyle

I am so sorry for your loss. My feathers aren't ruffled at all, but I do want to point out for others reading this thread that nothing you did or did not do made you have a miscarriage. It is not your fault.

valleric

I'm so sorry!

peevpee

"This is not your fault"... said my doctor, everyone else, books. For some reason it does not sit well with me. I keep questioning myself every hour "is it some infection I have and don't know about?", "is it something I ate?" Doctor said I will never find out why... this uncertainty kills me.
I too had a healthy, unplanned pregnancy 11 years ago that resulted in my daughter. it took me 2 years to get pregnant this second time just to find out at 10 week appointment that baby passed away between 7 and 8 weeks. I saw the cord still pumping in unison with my pulse and no heartbeat.
I am afraid to try again because I don't think I cant go through it again. I don't know how I could possibly be pregnant again wondering every minute if my baby is still alive inside me. what if it dies right after the ultrasound and I won't know again for another four weeks. I feel defective.
I used to judge older women who do not have any kids. I always wondered how could they "choose" not to have kids in their lives. now I think "what do I know about them?" NOTHING! who am I to judge... I am nobody... just a defective statistic with a dead baby still inside of me and no one knows. but at least I am lucky enough to have one daughter.