No baby shower....but family wants to throw a party anyway!

chavemann10

So, this is baby #4.  I don't need anything major (have all of it from previous babies), but my family and DH's family are of the mindset that "every baby needs a shower".  I absolutely refuse to have a shower.  My sister came up with the idea of having a small family only dinner once the baby has arrived.  My problem is I don't want the baby around too many people until she is atleast a month old.  My family's issue with this is that they think we should have a party the weekend AFTER we get home from the hospital and that it should be friends and family and whoever the hell else they want to invite.  I don't want to be rude, but apparently "That's not going to work for me" isn't getting thru.  My mother (MIL) has asked why I registered for stuff if I didn't want a shower/party (I registered for new sheets, blankets, and a few outfits).  She doesn't seem to understand that I just really want the 15% discount that Target offers! 

Please help!  How do I make them understand without hurting their feelings?  Is there a compromise possible that I haven't thought of yet? 

Advice please!!

Edit: She only knows about the registry because she was nosey and snooping on my phone one day while we had them over for supper.  I have it set up so that it cannot be searched for, to avoid this exact question!!

neverblushed

Don't engage in too much discussion about it. Just say, "We would love to do a meet the baby night with family. Any weekend after X works for us but we just can't do it any earlier." Just tell her you registered to get the coupon and let her know it's rude to examine other people's phones. You need boundaries with her.

chavemann10

neverblushed said:

Don't engage in too much discussion about it. Just say, "We would love to do a meet the baby night with family. Any weekend after X works for us but we just can't do it any earlier." Just tell her you registered to get the coupon and let her know it's rude to examine other people's phones. You need boundaries with her.

Amen on the boundaries part!  But, she always tells me, "I gave birth to you, so I always get a say in every matter".  (Mind you, she's pissed we aren't telling her babies name so she can giver her opinion on it)

I have told her a million times or more that I just can't have people around the baby before she's 4wks old.  I just won't do it.  My fear is, she'll do it anyways, and since they don't live very far away, she'll just have all the people show up to our house to surprise us!  I honestly thought about staying in a hotel in another town for a month just so this doesn't happen!! 

NoSugarCoating

chavemann10 said:

neverblushed said:

Don't engage in too much discussion about it. Just say, "We would love to do a meet the baby night with family. Any weekend after X works for us but we just can't do it any earlier." Just tell her you registered to get the coupon and let her know it's rude to examine other people's phones. You need boundaries with her.

Amen on the boundaries part!  But, she always tells me, "I gave birth to you, so I always get a say in every matter".  (Mind you, she's pissed we aren't telling her babies name so she can giver her opinion on it)

I have told her a million times or more that I just can't have people around the baby before she's 4wks old.  I just won't do it.  My fear is, she'll do it anyways, and since they live about a mile away, she'll just have all the people show up to our house to surprise us!  I honestly thought about staying in a hotel in another town for a month just so this doesn't happen!! 

She needs boundaries, like, yesterday. Yester-year. 

CatsAreShady

chavemann10 said:

neverblushed said:

Don't engage in too much discussion about it. Just say, "We would love to do a meet the baby night with family. Any weekend after X works for us but we just can't do it any earlier." Just tell her you registered to get the coupon and let her know it's rude to examine other people's phones. You need boundaries with her.

Amen on the boundaries part!  But, she always tells me, "I gave birth to you, so I always get a say in every matter".  (Mind you, she's pissed we aren't telling her babies name so she can giver her opinion on it)

I have told her a million times or more that I just can't have people around the baby before she's 4wks old.  I just won't do it.  My fear is, she'll do it anyways, and since they live about a mile away, she'll just have all the people show up to our house to surprise us!  I honestly thought about staying in a hotel in another town for a month just so this doesn't happen!! 

Good lord. Keep your doors locked and turn your phones off after coming home. I wouldn't take kindly to them blatantly ignoring my wishes during that time. I think the real issue is the total lack of boundaries.

I can relate to the baby shower thing. I had a shower for my first, then my friends (different set from the first shower) surprised me with a shower for my second, and my family threw a surprise shower for my third, despite me firmly telling them I didn't want one. However, the part about throwing a party after coming home gives me a headache just thinking about it. That's beyond rude to expect you to host all of those people after giving birth. Girl, put your foot down now.

missemmawoodhouse

I'm over here giving you a standing ovation for refusing a 4th shower unlike so many other entitled people I see.

I hope your family listens to your wishes. Be firm. Be consistent. Don't bend.

VOR

chavemann10 said:

But, she always tells me, "I gave birth to you, so I always get a say in every matter".  (Mind you, she's pissed we aren't telling her babies name so she can giver her opinion on it)

So?  She can think this all she wants.  This is the thing about boundaries - it's entirely on  YOU to create them, set them and follow them.  She actually doesn't play a role in the boundaries at all.  It's not on her to follow them. It's on you to set & enforce them.  Period.

She thinks she gets a say?  Oh well, good for her.  You just stand firm on "I won't be available for a party until X".  Rinse and repeat.  Don't argue, don't explain.  Just be firm and consistent. 

We want to have a party on XYZ.  "I won't be available until ABC".

But we want to see the baby sooner.  "I won't be available until ABC"

But i'm your mom!!!  I get a say.  "I won't be available until ABC". 

At some point, she's going to have to give up!  But the less you say, the fewer holes you give her.

chavemann10

Thanks ladies! I just hope it works...and I dont want to hurt her feelings.  I do love my mom and do want her around...but just her, not a whole party of people!

delujm0

I'd be suuuuuper careful of bringing the baby out anywhere that your mom is going to be before the date you've chosen for the party...she seems like the type to force a "surprise" on you.

Luckily if she tries to invite dozens of people to your house you can just ask them to leave. Which is what I would do.

chavemann10

So, I just realized I didn't clarify this in the beginning, but I am going to change it now.  It is my Mother in Law, who wishes to have this party. I just call her my "mom" because she has been an amazing mom to me for the past 7yrs, even when my own mother decided not to be.  (Long story short, birth mother abandoned us with father, stepmom and father disowned me for about 5yrs because they were mad I divorced my abusive ex husband and got re-married). 

The "I gave birth to you" comment is towards my husband, but she means it for me as well, since she sees me as her daughter not daughter in law.

dufferoo

chavemann10 said:

So, I just realized I didn't clarify this in the beginning, but I am going to change it now.  It is my Mother in Law, who wishes to have this party. I just call her my "mom" because she has been an amazing mom to me for the past 7yrs, even when my own mother decided not to be.  (Long story short, birth mother abandoned us with father, stepmom and father disowned me for about 5yrs because they were mad I divorced my abusive ex husband and got re-married). 

The "I gave birth to you" comment is towards my husband, but she means it for me as well, since she sees me as her daughter not daughter in law.

Um, what? Now it just sounds like you are making stuff up.

Bigboobsmcgee

dufferoo said:

chavemann10 said:

So, I just realized I didn't clarify this in the beginning, but I am going to change it now.  It is my Mother in Law, who wishes to have this party. I just call her my "mom" because she has been an amazing mom to me for the past 7yrs, even when my own mother decided not to be.  (Long story short, birth mother abandoned us with father, stepmom and father disowned me for about 5yrs because they were mad I divorced my abusive ex husband and got re-married). 

The "I gave birth to you" comment is towards my husband, but she means it for me as well, since she sees me as her daughter not daughter in law.

Um, what? Now it just sounds like you are making stuff up.

And why do people feel the need to share such personal, intimate details about their life on the fucking internet.

CatsAreShady

chavemann10 said:

So, I just realized I didn't clarify this in the beginning, but I am going to change it now.  It is my Mother in Law, who wishes to have this party. I just call her my "mom" because she has been an amazing mom to me for the past 7yrs, even when my own mother decided not to be.  (Long story short, birth mother abandoned us with father, stepmom and father disowned me for about 5yrs because they were mad I divorced my abusive ex husband and got re-married). 

The "I gave birth to you" comment is towards my husband, but she means it for me as well, since she sees me as her daughter not daughter in law.

Umm okay.

chavemann10

Sad thing is...this is all true.  I tell you, my life could be a Lifetime movie!!  It wasn't meant to go into depth, just to clarify that my "mom" is actually my mother in law.  But, regardless I think I got thru to her yesterday when I showed her an article on whooping cough.  She then said she could see why I wasn't interested in a ton of people around the baby at first.  We did agree that she can come over as soon as we are home to help with the older kids, and she even volunteered to get a whooping cough shot.  I never even thought to ask, but luckily that article awakened something inside of her. 

For everyone who was telling me to stand my ground and set boundaries, thank you!  I managed to do it without hurting her feelings, which was extremely important to me.

CatsAreShady

chavemann10 said:

Sad thing is...this is all true.  I tell you, my life could be a Lifetime movie!!  It wasn't meant to go into depth, just to clarify that my "mom" is actually my mother in law.  But, regardless I think I got thru to her yesterday when I showed her an article on whooping cough.  She then said she could see why I wasn't interested in a ton of people around the baby at first.  We did agree that she can come over as soon as we are home to help with the older kids, and she even volunteered to get a whooping cough shot.  I never even thought to ask, but luckily that article awakened something inside of her. 

For everyone who was telling me to stand my ground and set boundaries, thank you!  I managed to do it without hurting her feelings, which was extremely important to me.

Glad that worked out for you. Many people confuse boundaries with being rude. Respecting your own limits is never rude.