Need advice

chunter0526

my sister in law is christening her baby next week. My husband and I are one of the sets of God parents. I DO NOT WANT TO GO! What should I do. I'll be about 6 weeks post mc then.

rachrobertson

I have never been to a christening and don't know how big of a deal it would be if you didn't go. However, I feel your SIL should understand you are still processing your loss and that something like this will be difficult for you. Some people feel you should be moving on with your life and the events that come with that, however, you can't put a timeline on your grief and others shouldn't expect you to. If she does get offended by it, I would brush it off and hope that one day she will get it and offer an apology. My SIL had her 4th baby the night before my d&c and she told me she would not be offended and totally understands if it is awhile before we meet our new nephew. Hopefully your SIL will have a similar response.

Mamasan33

Do they know aboyt the MC? I'd say you are still in a sensitive place with just having miscarried. You don't want to be salty toward your family so I would decide if you can handle it first. If not please try to talk with your SIL. They will hopefully understand.

bntfroggie

I'm am not a person who would tell someone to do something out of their comfort zone, but I think if you are a God parent you really don't have an option. just an opinion.

carrieandr

I'm kind of with bntfroggie on this. If it was a baby shower, I'd say don't go if you're not up to it. But as a god parent, you would be taking this child as your own if anything happened to its parents. I would see this as a responsibility. A tough one, but an important one.

I'm not sure how long it's been since your mc, but it's been 6 weeks since I found out I was going to mc. (4 weeks since d&e)  I am in a much better place emotionally than I was at the beginning. I could go to a baby shower tomorrow if a friend was having one. Not everyone is the same, but if the christening is still a while away, it's possible that you will be better able to handle it at that point.

carrieandr

Maybe you could spend a little time with the baby ahead of time so you won't be having your first emotional response to it in front of a crowd.

whitneydpc

If it were me, I wouldn't go if I didn't feel like I could handle it.  After my first mc, I forced myself to go through with social situations involving babies in an effort to be polite.  Lots of times, I would go into a situation feeling totally fine and 100% in control, only to cry uncontrollably in my car on the ride home.  For me, personally, and hour of being polite for the sake of a friend did not outweigh the week of deep depression that would inevitably follow.  After my second miscarriage, I cut out painful triggers and felt much better. My friends understood; place yourself in the opposite position -- you would probably never want to make a friend or family member who had a miscarriage feel worse than they already do, and they probably feel the same about you as well. 

carrieandr

If it was just for the sake of being polite to a friend, I would agree.

@chunter0526, I'm assuming that you and your husband are the ones that would raise your niece or nephew if anything happened to the parents? By going, it would show that you would be there for the child no matter what.

If this isn't the case, then maybe it isn't the big deal that I think it is.

bntfroggie

An alternative would be you could talk to them and see if they could push back the christening, if it is a low key event that they didn't invite many people to then they could possibly postpone.

I am 6wks out today from finding out about my child not having a heartbeat, and 5+3wks from my D&C.  Emotionally I would be fine to become a God Mother and participate in a baptism, I may shed some tears, but that is to be expected.

I also don't know you or this situation, but let me say this I wouldn't dread something that is 6wks away when you don't know how you will feel in 6wks.  The more dread you put into and around this event, it is going to become what you fear of it to be.  Instead give yourself a reasonable deadline like 4 weeks away.  Say to yourself at this date I will decided if I want to go to the christening and become a God Mother, if you feel the same then tell your friend how your feel and see if there is a way around you being the main attraction.

whitneydpc

@CarrieandRoy I agree it makes a difference depending on what the significance of being a God parent means in this particular context. Most of the people I've known who have designated God parents for their kids use it as more as an honorary title for friends/siblings, rather than a form of estate planning.

chunter0526

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's on Sunday and i have zero intentions of being there unless I have a change of heart. It'll be too much to handle. Some of the ppl know at church and I feel like all eyes will be on me. I rather do without the unwarranted sympathy hugs and stares. Ppl are cray cray and most of the time shouldn't say some of the most idiotic things they come up with and I would hate to snap lol.

bntfroggie

@chunter0526 I hear you there.  I really hate people feeling sorry for me, but I know that people want to be sympathetic to the situation.  I feel like the worst ones are the people who tell you how many miscarriages their friend had before having a health baby, when I am on my first and hopefully only miscarriage.  I think is that supposed to make me feel better, because it doesn't.

kimey1

bntfroggie said:

@chunter0526 I hear you there.  I really hate people feeling sorry for me, but I know that people want to be sympathetic to the situation.  I feel like the worst ones are the people who tell you how many miscarriages their friend had before having a health baby, when I am on my first and hopefully only miscarriage.  I think is that supposed to make me feel better, because it doesn't.

Sending you hugs.