need some kind of moral support

Sammuthu

Here's my story.

I am 25. When I was 19 I was pregnant once and consciously decided to abort the baby. It was right at that abortion I decided that when I become pregnant I will definitely not abort.

In November after a terrible break up I met my new boyfriend. He is a western classical musician. I really wanted to learn the piano and sing. I fell in love with him. I told him how I felt about kids and that in case I became pregnant I will definitely not abort. He reall wants children and said that he will never ask me to abort.

I have had a great amount of depression in life and I was trying to handle a lot of things at once in this relationship. In between this I had also been trying to quit smoking.

Once I became pregnant it felt like all the fun in our relationship vanished. His first response was if I wanted to abort the child and then he settled with it and became excited.

Then he began trying to solve everything in our relationship at once because he said we shouldn't fight when the baby is around. I told him fights are natural in relatiionships and we really can't predict them. Let alone solving everything that is wrong with us. We have to relax and find a way to work out things.

I am skipping a large part of the story and moving on now.

I have been terribly guilty about my smoking. I am 16 weeks in and just about recently actually gave up smoking. He started freaking out. He said I am selfish and that I am torturing a third person. He said that even if I am not smoking, my parents smoke and my friends smoke and that I am constantly exposing the child yo nicotine. So started suggesting I should get an abortion.

I begged and pleaded and said I couldn't go ahead with it. But then he said if I am still having a tough time with smoking I should just not have this child.

This constant fighting and depression since I came to know I am pregnant, and his family and him thinking they can decide if I need an abortion really distanced me from him.

I want this child. I will do anything to have it. I went to the doctor today and she encouraged me to end this relationship and get away from the stress. She said it is very clear this relationship is not working out. And the guilt above what I am feeling is making me shake and shiver everyday.

I have quit smoking. I hope it is never too late. The doc told me that my baby and I are healthy and that an abortion is not possible. I really want to have this child. I don't want to torture it or hurt it. I know smoking is not a cool or awesome habit. It is in fact very disgusting. Every time I have held a cigarette I have cried for hours.

I don't think I don't deserve to have a babybecause of my mistakes.

BabyFazioOnTheWay

I'm 29 and 18 weeks. First time being pregnant. My husband brought up abortion when he first found out and it ruined me. We went through weeks of fighting, terribly. It was horrible for us. Things have started to settle down over the last week or two but still aren't as good as they could be. I have major issues with anxiety and depression. My doctor started me on an antidepressant last visit, and I can't tell if that's helping or not. I too have smoked. It's hard to quit. Sometimes I just need a cigarette to help my nerves but like you, then I feel really bad and guilty. I just keep telling myself that all of my tests have been good and baby is on track and that's what is important. Staying calm and not getting upset has been very hard for me but I just keep trying. I hope you start to feel better soon!!

lrgsmith2

Mama, hang in there. Listen to the positive voices around you, like your dr. Gather a support network. If you don't have one right now, look for groups nearby where you can join. Maybe something like a prenatal workout group or even a Le Leche League (since those women have just been where you are) or a book club or Bible study or find a counselor or mentor - just someplace where you can get the support you need.

No one has the right to tell you that you have to get an abortion. And it sounds like your doctor is saying it wouldn't be healthy for you either. You are absolutely right -your past mistakes don't mean you shouldn't have this baby.

Your mama bear instincts are already roaring in, the way you quit smoking and want to protect this baby. You are going to be a great mom.

kelsa101

Hi there! I just wanted to offer you some support. First, while you are right that smoking isn't good for the baby, you've made an honest effort to try and quit. Take heart in that. And really, my grandmother just told me that while she didn't smoke when she was pregnant, she smoked while she was feeding (literally as she was breastfeeding) her children. All five of her children are alive, working and have had children of their own. There was a long time where smoking not wasn't necessarily considered bad. The most thing is you have quit now. It's tough. Give yourself credit where it's due.

Also, as for the boyfriend. No one, and I mean no one gets to decide what is best for you and your body. If you love your child and you want your child, then they don't get a say otherwise. They have no idea what type of mother you will be and should not have the audacity to claim that they do. If he doesn't want the baby, then he can walk away and doesn't have to be involved (besides his child support check). That's his choice. But he doesn't NOT get to make your choice. Walk away from him and the stress of his family. They aren't worth your time. You were tough enough to quit smoking(which you did I am assuming for a much longer time than you knew your boyfriend), you are tough enough to leave them in your dust. I was raised in a single parent household. You can do this!

Also, I second the PP's comments. Find a support group. Go to church. God will provide. May God bless you and your little bean!

eat111315

As the saying goes "put your air mask on first". You can't help your baby, or anyone else, before helping yourself. Find a therapist, talk it out, get some meds if you need them. There's no shame in asking for help from a professional. You don't have to suffer.

rue:D

Just because you have smoked or even continue to does not necessarily mean your baby will not be healthy. I'm pretty sure my mom smoked through her pregnancies with both me and my brother and we were healthy babies. Not to say that I would advise you to keep doing it, but as long as you are making the effort to quit that is amazing! Your partner telling you that you need to abort just because of the nicotine exposure is ridiculous, especially since he's known from the beginning that it isn't something you're willing to consider.

I agree that the relationship doesn't seem healthy anymore - him pressuring you to do something you don't want to do, and not realizing that happy people fight occasionally too? I agree with what others have said, look for a support group, talk with a therapist, etc. You are doing the right things, so be proud of that!

Rikki_5

Congratulations on quitting smoking!  I quit smoking 3 years ago and even though I gained about 10lbs I feel so much better! I don't understand why if you quit smoking they are still mad at you?  You say you are skipping a large part of the story so just from what you have said I don't understand why he really wants children at the beginning and now doesn't just because you were smoking.  I would just tell him you are having the baby, he can get on board and if he doesn't want to you will raise it yourself and he can pay child support.  End of discussion.

naka92

Oh sweety of course you deserve this baby! Just read your own post and look at how deeply you care already. Its so very obvious that you care for this baby. To quit smoking is a very difficult task, yet you've tried your darn hardest and you've now quit, thats an amazing accomplishment right there, and you did it for that precious baby you have growing inside of you. 
As for the relationship.. I think I'll have to side with your doctor. You and your baby do not deserve to be treated that way and it'll do you no good at all. Telling you to abort is a horrible, horrible thing thats simply going way too far, especially coming from a man that you discussed this with prior to concieving. Find a local support group to help you through this difficult time, or at least get some help. Theres no weakness in getting someone to help you out, especially while youre pregnant and in your situation. Stay strong, mama, you can do this!

curfam4

I know I may get judged for this, but I am 16+5 and smoke.  I have cut down significantly, but still struggle to fully quit.  I went through the same thing when I was pregnant with DD.  I know it's not healthy for me or the baby, but it's seriously so hard to quit, and it's no reason to feel you won't be a great mama to this baby.  Everyone has their own weaknesses, and smoking is just something some people struggle with, despite all the reasons to quit.  For the father to suggest abortion is just horrible!  The relationship does not sound like a healthy one right now, and I would suggest seeking out counseling or therapy.  Just know you are strong enough to do this, and the fact that you are fighting to have your baby is just a testament to how much you love him/her already!

TheSouffleGirl

I agree with everything everyone has said here about the abortion, but I did want to post to add to the number of voices who have known people who smoked all through pregnancy and have healthy children. One of my friends just couldn't quit (although she cut back) and has a super cute boy and a very lovely girl. Although I admire the struggle you have put up to quit smoking, the fact that you did not start on day one does not mean you are not a good mother who loves her baby and wants to give him/her a great life. We have all failed in some way, and turning your back on it by aborting will not help anyone. I will keep you in my prayers - please come back and tell us how things go!

twilight69187

I'm not proud of being a smoker, but I did smoke through both of my other pregnancies and they were just fine, no issues at all!! Not saying that it's ok, now with this pregnancy it seems like the stress just keeps building and it's been really hard to even cut back!! Smoking isn't good for anyone but it doesn't make you a terrible mother at all!! And he should stop being such a prick and try to support and help you instead of verbally abusing you!! That's so not ok!! You need to do some serious thinking and soul searching to figure out what's best for you and your baby, regardless of wha he thinks or feels!!! Best of luck to you, and if you need to talk I'd be glad to be there for you!! I've been through some awful things in life including an extremely bad relationship, so I understand!! ::hugs::

Sammuthu

Thank you so much for writing. A lot of our relationship problems boiled up and we broke up. But we are still related because of the baby. I had a very strong day today in terms of non smoking.

Sammuthu

Thank you so much for affirming me. I am so happy that baby's with me. I do know I can do this alone (well of course with a lot of compassion from people like you). Hugs from my side of the world. Next to the beach in the south of India, sweltering in heat.

kelsa101

You can do this!!!

FirstTimeMamaAricka

First and foremost, You are not a bad person. people struggle but you did quit there are many people that wouldn't even try or wouldn't care. Granted its not good for either of you but its better to quit now than never. Second, I agree with your doctor you should think about ending that relationship if you haven't already. he knows how hurt you become with the topic of abortion and sounds like he is now just using it to hurt you. And finally but most certainly not least you are going to be a WONDERFUL mother!!! never let anyone tell you different. The first step is to love that baby with all of your heart and without knowing you i can tell easily that you do, the rest will come when its time to deal with it. You've got this!

anorthro

I'm impressed by your strength, @sammuthu.  I wish you all the best - and your baby, too!