Intro-Newbie-1st Cycle-Just venting

dehily

Well, here goes nothing. Tomorrow I will be taking the cycle-1 pregnancy test, that dreading 2WW almost killed me. But, I fought the urge to test early (didn't want a false positive)  I have been trying to just tell myself that I am not pregnant so when the test comes back BFN I won't be as disappointed, but WHO AM I KIDDING? I want a BFP!!! Even though I am trying to convince myself that it will be a BFN I will still be let down.

It took me a long time and a lot of bumps in the road to get me where I am today (on the baby wagon). Let me just tell you a little about me and my journey:

I am 32, DH is 31. We are both 2 years out from Weight Loss Surgery. We have been together since we were 15/14 (the high school sweethearts...gag :-) ) I have lost 196 pounds and he has lost 189 pounds! We are in the prime of our health and want to bring a little stinker into our lives. 

From the time that I started my periods (between 8-9 years old) I have never had a regular cycle. I would bleed for 6 weeks at a heavy flow then not have anything for months, sometimes even up to a year. When I first brought this up to my dr when I was in high school, they just told me I wasn't regular yet and gave me birth control pills to force cycles, which helped. 

Jump a little ahead, DH and I got married in '05 then in '07 decided to try to get preggers. At this point I wasn't on BC for a while, approx. a year, and my body went right back into the awesome 6 week heavy flow and the months long absences.  Which not having a period is nice UNLESS you are TTC. Went to OB/GYN, she gave me Metformin and I tried this for 6 months to no avail. I went to a fertility specialist which is when I was finally diagnosed with PCOS. We were on the right path when DH lost his job and our insurance in '09. Once he got another job in '10 we tried again but finally gave up officially in '11, when my brother had a baby (accidentally) and I was so hurt that I wanted nothing to do with him or my nephew for the first 6 months. Strange how we tend to misplace our feelings.

At this time I was close to 380 pounds and had NO BUSINESS TTC at that weight. There would be NO WAY that the pregnancy would have been healthy and I could have put my baby in danger. WTF was I thinking? Come 2013 and I was sick of being fat, enter WLS!!! The best choice I have ever made (expect marrying DH). After surgery I had Mirena placed so I wouldn't accidentally get preggers while losing weight and harm myself or the baby. 

DH and I talked for a long time (4 months) about TTC. I had myself so convinced that I didn't even want kids that it took me a long time to finally see that I did, I was just scared to be hurt and disappointed. I went to a new OB/GYN, told him my history, he took the IUD out (10-2014) , we tried, I cycled once on my own, then NOTHING. March 2015 I went to an RE and here I am ending my first cycle of Prometrium, Femara, and Ovidrel with a pregnancy test tomorrow morning. 

What if it is negative? Well; then I cry, I get mad that my stupid body can't do anything right, I call my ovaries and uterus dumb, then I shower and go to work while trying not to think about the fact that I just had a negative test and that all these emotions are flooding me like a swarm of locusts. I mean this is only cycle 1 for christ's sake and I very may well have a LONG road ahead of me. Then I board a cruise ship on May 3rd and proceed to drink my feelings into oblivion and wait for AF to arrive....(if it ever does or hasn't by that time). 

What if it is positive? Well; then I cry, I get mad that I can't drink on the cruise (but for a good reason!!), I call my ovaries good girls and give my uterus a pep talk to keep that bun in there and healthy, then I shower and go to work while trying no to think about the fact that I just had a positive test when in walks my boss and I cry to him like a little girl and tell him that I am pregnant (he is very supportive and knows EVERYTHING that is going on with me). Then I will have to keep this big ass secret for a few months until we are sure that our little bundle of goop will stay put.

Symptoms: I have been having major gas for 5 days-sore breasts for 3 days-nausea for 2 days-

Which doesn't really mean anything to me since these could be a sign of either AF or pregnancy. Especially since I have never had normal cycles (even when I did, I never got pains, cramps, PMS, bloating, anything) so I don't know what to expect of a "normal" period anyway. 

Thanks for reading my long ass post, you can get your signed copy and join my fan club ;-)

2legbaby

Sounds like you have had a struggle to get to this point...hope that your TWW ends well, but if not it sounds like you have the strength to pick up and try again....best wishes!

MKLEWIS2010

I hope this works out for you. I know how you feel! But I agree with pp you sound like you have the strength to get through if it doesn't work out this time. I do believe everything will work out the way it is supposed to. For some the journey is a lot harder than others but once you get through it you will be so much stronger. Good luck!

dehily

Thanks, ladies. Got the BFN this morning. I am sad.  Even though this is only the first cycle of trying this time it brings up the emotions of what we went through last time and also knowing that this could be the start of a long emotional roller coaster. Chin up and power through!

westiemom22

I am sorry you didn't get your BFP but am excited you are on the journey! It is a process and sometimes takes time and several different protocols but I will be praying for your BFP soon! Good luck!

dehily

Thanks. I am just thankful that I didn't tell a lot of people this time, so I don't have the added pressure of everyone asking if we are pregnant yet. Most people still think I don't want kids. 

MKLEWIS2010

Sorry hopefully next time it will work I know it's an emotional roller coaster. We started telling people the same we have been married almost 4 years and trying for over 2 so we get the questions all the time and it drives me crazy. I never ask people because you just don't know what they are going through and to me having kids is a personal decision. Good luck and keep your head up! You are a strong woman!