Baby Shower Planning Drama- is it worth it? (sorry this is a long one)

Ktatro3583

My Aunt is hosting a baby shower for myself and my husband at our home (which we want) however my Mother is creating drama surrounding this. She wanted to throw me a shower but currently is having financial problems (which my Aunt has been forced to loan her money to deal with) and therefore can't host it. My Aunt generously offered to host/ pay for our shower but we wanted to allow my Mom to be involved, not exclude her. We had a planning get together the other night and it turned into a nightmare! I gave them all my ideas (which my aunt and husband loved) and asked for their ideas. My mom spent the entire time trying to one up my ideas. Then when my husband brought up the budget my mother flips out and yells at us saying that he is insinuating that we want her to dish out money, which was not at all the case (she has no money to dish out and we know this).My husband is a planner and is very focused on finances so he was simply trying to get an idea of the budget so we wouldn't needlessly spend. I was ready to say "Forget the shower" at that point. I was in tears. Later my Mom came back and was quiet so we could finished the meeting so that all ideas were out there and in the end we all seemed to agree. Then she sent me an email the next day apologizing an saying how excited she is to help with the shower in any way she can. I SO wish that was the end of the story. Today I called her to confirm our shopping list and what I could go get this week and she brings up the money thing again. She says she thinks my husband is just out to spend my aunt's money because we want to order (inexpensive) invitations rather than make them ourselves. (We made our own wedding invitations and I would never do that again.) So once again I am here crying at the situation and she is mad at me and my husband. Not sure what to do at this point. (Note to self: My mother is planning to somehow throw herself a "Grandma party" because she was upset that our shower wouldn't allow her to be the center of attention.) My question is, in light of what you just read, do you think having the shower is even worth the aggravation? How can I get my mother to stop this immature behavior since there is no way she can't be involved?

Ktatro3583

Thanks ladycersei! That is precisely what I needed to hear. I so appreciate your feedback!

MyCousinVinny

I have to be honest: you are WAY too involved in the planning of your shower.  There should be no sit-down meetings, lists of things for you to purchase, invitations to be made/ordered by you, etc.  These are all things that the host should be doing, not the MTB.

My advice is to seriously take a huge step back, put your aunt and mom in contact with each other, and let them work it out like adults.  

Ktatro3583

Well the reason I am so involved is because I want to be and my Aunt wants me to have the shower of my dreams and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. My mom threw my bridal shower and it was all about her. I know I can't count on my mom to make it about me, my husband and the baby even, if she is in charge of it. Also, I enjoy being crafty and creating things like decorations in my free time. The only reason we are involving my mom is because she would feel left out if we did.

dufferoo

It seems sadly ironic that you would risk ruining your relationship with your mother in order to receive the "shower of your dreams."

VOR

O.k. - I don't have an issue w/ MTBs being somewhat involved if the host asks/wants the MTB to be involved.  BUT I do think you're TOO involved.  As said above - a shower really is JUST a party, on the same level as a birthday party.  It is NOT on the same level as a wedding. 

This "shower of my dreams" thing is really a bit eye-rolley and YOU are losing sight of what this event should be about.   While I don't doubt your mom is a pain, you're also making this shower into a much more important event than it needs to be.

My ultimate advice is that now that your aunt knows what you and DH want, SHE needs to make a plan.  If she wants to involve you in helping with some of it, fine.  But she needs to divvy up what she wants help with - to you AND TO your mom.  That's how your mom can be involved. 

KonaCoffeeBean

ladycersei said:

But aside from the shower planning part, doesn't it seem like this type of behavior is a pattern with OP's mom? I feel like this behavior will continue for any event in OP's life, if not this shower then something else.

This really does sound true. Which is all the more reason for OP to try to set a boundary and not be involved in the planning. Let these conversations happen between mom and aunt. And if the aunt gets sick of it, then it's her prerogative as the host to tell mom that her help and input won't be needed.

neverblushed

Ditto that you want to become less involved in this.  You've expressed your ideas to your aunt, who is the host.  Let her handle things with your mom.  It's time for you to back away and let your host deal with it.

ETA: You may have already agreed to do things to help your aunt.  I would strongly suggest that you avoid this.  Maybe you have a friend or a cousin who can provide support so your aunt doesn't have to do it all.  It looks really bad for the MTB to be involved in planning her own shower.

Katerina&Baby

For the record - I totally agree with PPs who say that you shouldn't be involved in planning your shower (I don't care that you want to or love this kind of stuff - it's a matter of etiquette). A LOT of these issues will be completely resolved if you immediately remove yourself from the planning (seriously - call your Aunt and thank her AGAIN for hosting a shower for you, say you had fun talking about different ideas the other night but explain that you understand that this is her party to throw so any and all decisions are hers to make).

The bigger issue here is that your mom is projecting her own money issues onto you and your husband (she probably harbors some level of guilt that she can't financially contribute to this shower so she's extra sensitive about your aunt spending "too much") - you need to shut down EVERY comment she makes with a firm "Aunt __ is in charge of the budget - she will make the decisions about how much to spend on what. If you have a problem with that, you can certainly bring it up to her but it would be pretty inappropriate for you to try and tell her how she should spend her own money".

Regarding her absolutely disgusting comment about your husband, I can tell you right now that if ANYONE said something like that to me about my husband, I wouldn't be in tears, I would be LIVID. You need to set boundaries with your mom - and she needs to know that you are on your husband's side 100% and that these types of comments will not be tolerated.

tigerlily25

Agreed with with what PP's said. If you remove yourself from the planning process (now that you have hashed out ideas with your aunt), hopefully your mother will back off (at least from you) at little. Hopefully she doesn't give you aunt too much of a hard time going forward. 

Sassenach1743

Katerina&Baby said:

For the record - I totally agree with PPs who say that you shouldn't be involved in planning your shower (I don't care that you want to or love this kind of stuff - it's a matter of etiquette). A LOT of these issues will be completely resolved if you immediately remove yourself from the planning (seriously - call your Aunt and thank her AGAIN for hosting a shower for you, say you had fun talking about different ideas the other night but explain that you understand that this is her party to throw so any and all decisions are hers to make).

The bigger issue here is that your mom is projecting her own money issues onto you and your husband (she probably harbors some level of guilt that she can't financially contribute to this shower so she's extra sensitive about your aunt spending "too much") - you need to shut down EVERY comment she makes with a firm "Aunt __ is in charge of the budget - she will make the decisions about how much to spend on what. If you have a problem with that, you can certainly bring it up to her but it would be pretty inappropriate for you to try and tell her how she should spend her own money".

Regarding her absolutely disgusting comment about your husband, I can tell you right now that if ANYONE said something like that to me about my husband, I wouldn't be in tears, I would be LIVID. You need to set boundaries with your mom - and she needs to know that you are on your husband's side 100% and that these types of comments will not be tolerated.

Amen! All of this is absolutely on point. Good luck, OP.