April 2014 Moms

Would you fight or give in? (Vent warning)

Ok, this is kind of a vent followed by a question. I've mentioned before how I agreed to have a bigger family party for dd than I wanted to because it was important to dh and his extended family. I started planning a simple way to decorate and food, etc. But this weekend dh informs me that it's the same weekend as his nephew's birthday, so it's going to be a joint party, and his sister will brig her own cake, and dh and her agreed that we will make carnitas for the food. Pluss we are paying for dh's family from NY to stay in a hotel (at least they won't be in the house, but hotels here are not inexpensive). Basically the whole thing was planned without me, and not in a way I'm super happy about.

So here's my delima. Do I stand up and fight to get a few things that I want, which is likely to make everyone mad at me, or do I just give in and have a bad party and do something for dd on her actual birthday, which is the day after the party? Right now I'm just mad about the whole thing, but I'm worried making a big deal out of it will be worse. I don't even want to invite my parent to my daughters birthday party because I know it will be all about dh's family (and they always bring extra "cousins" that none of us have ever met).
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Re: Would you fight or give in? (Vent warning)

  • That super sucks! I personally would stand up and tell them all that's not the plan. this is your daughters first birthday! It should be all about her and not having to share it with a cousin! I'd be furious if my husband planned to do a joint birthday party for our daughter with out even a word of warning before it was all set in stone. And I don't care if some ones nose gets out of joint over it either.
  • I would make a smaller stand and just be like ok fine and thanks, these are the additions/parts of the party that will focused on my babes... Her personal cupcake, we are all going to sing to her and take pics, I want this personal memento signed by everyone for her when she gets older, etc etc. put your stamp on it then you can even do a special meal for her with just you guys the next day. Good luck! Try to see the best in it and make it special in your own way- the kiddos will only see the fun parts!
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  • I don't know if it's worth the fight or not, but I would definitely be frustrated.
    happily married since 2009, SAHM
    diagnosed with unexplained infertility, regular cycles
    Baby #1: ttc naturally for 3 years, 6 yr old daughter
    Baby #2: ttc naturally for 2 years, 2 yr old son
    Baby #3: ttc naturally since August 2016
  • I'm the type to avoid confrontation. I would probably just suck it up, and treat the joint birthday party more as a family get together than birthday. Have low expectations. Don't go over the top with decorations, theme, etc. Then do something special for your DD on her actual birthday, just your immediate family. And then I would have a conversation with DH about next year.

    I would be frustrated and upset if I were in your position! It seems like your DH didn't consider your thoughts/feelings when making these plans. Hopefully your ILs don't stay long!
  • I would fight for what you want. You only get to have a party for her first birthday once. Hopefully your DHs family can understand that. You are already compromising by having a bigger party than what you really wanted.
  • F that shi*. This is not OK. Have the party but don't do a damn thing...its their party now. Hold your own special birthday party. Make sure they know that what they did was not OK and you will roll with it for now because you aren't going to kick up a fuss, but you will not accept this again.

    March siggy challenge: Dream job = Playing with wolves

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  • F that shi*. This is not OK. Have the party but don't do a damn thing...its their party now. Hold your own special birthday party. Make sure they know that what they did was not OK and you will roll with it for now because you aren't going to kick up a fuss, but you will not accept this again.

    I agree with this.
  • Oh I'd be so irritated, but I'm not very confrontational so I probably would go with it and not say anything to anyone about it except DH (but I'd say a lot to him about it!). Maybe just start thinking of the joint party as just a family get together, then do something special just for your LO on the actual birthday and consider that her party. Sorry it's not going as you were hoping! It'll be great either way though!
  • Ugh, I'm sorry. So basically you are now hosting and paying for a party you didn't want and didn't plan?! I agree with the others about marking LO's birthday in your own special way, just your family. Do what YOU want for that, since you weren't consulted about the larger party. The bigger deal is talking with your husband.

    LO is your child too, so I would ask why these decisions are being made without you. Sounds like his family takes over when they're involved. If it's not okay with you, it's time to start speaking up. DH has to be your ally in this.

    I would not be okay with what they are doing, but my in-laws (and my own family) know better than to pull this shit. I think maybe his family knows you won't push back, so they steamroll you and do what they want. Well, you gave birth to that child, you are her mother, so YOU and DH say how you will celebrate her birthday. Who cares if they get mad? Obviously they don't care about your feelings or they would have talked to you first.

    TTC #1 since 2011

    Me: 36, anovulatory PCOS; DH: 34, fine

    Sophia Juliet conceived through IVF and born April 15, 2014

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  • The plot thickens. Now SIL told dh that she is going to also bring a cake for MIL who is upset that no one did anything big for her birthday this month. Dh thinks it's a fun idea and I'm being selfish. Seriously, this is crazy. And of course my Spanish is not great over the phone, so I can't even call and talk these people out of it.

    How bad would it be for me and the kids to not show up for it? Lol
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  • Oh man! That's crazy! Too bad you don't drink! ;)
  • Oh man! That's crazy! Too bad you don't drink! ;)

    Haha! That made me laugh, thank you :)
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  • Ugh. I'm so sorry! I hope you and your DH and kiddos can have a special celebration all on your own. Though we have never run into anything quite like this, my DH and I have a very different sense of what it means to celebrate a special occasion too. It can be tough sometimes.
  • Finally, a compromise! (Sort of)

    Last night MIL was telling dh how that week is also someone's sister's birthday and we should celebrate that too. And that they were bringing all these people (who we don't know). I think dh realized how crazy it all was. So Saturday will be a big group party (hopefully at a park) for all the birthdays in their family, and Sunday we will invite my parents over to the house after church for cake, gifts, and a simple celebration just for dd. Not perfect, but a lot better.
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