Baby shower a week before friend's wedding

nicki917

Hi everyone! FTM and poster here! I'm 13 weeks along, feeling great, and very excited for this new adventure! I need some advice on a situation with a friend. I'm starting to think about a baby shower since my sister-in-law and a few close friends already reached out to host one (very grateful!) I live in Maryland and most of my family and closest friends live in Florida. I will be down in Florida for a wedding in July. I'm a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding on July 11. We have been friends for 13 years. This same friend is having her spa resort bachelorette party for 3 days before the wedding. I will be attending all events and have put forth over $1000 towards the bridesmaid costs so far (dress, shoes, bachelorette party, hair/makeup, etc), not including bridal shower and wedding gifts. I'm a dedicated bridesmaid and when I first got pregnant after 2 years of trying I told my friend just in case she would be uncomfortable with me still being in the wedding. She seemed excited for me at the time and didn't seem worried about me being in the wedding. My husband and I were thinking of driving down 4th of July weekend and having the baby shower on July 5th. My husband really loves being involved and we both want a coed shower since we share so many close friends in Florida. We really don't know when else we will both be able to make it down to Florida again together prior to my due date in September due to cost of flights and inability to travel.

Anyways, my friend who is getting married is really upset by this date because it is the weekend before her wedding. She is worried about having little time to pack for her honeymoon and complete last minute tasks related to her wedding since her bachelorette is occurring the days leading up to her wedding. She said she doesn't think she will be able to make it on Sunday, July 5th and brought up changing the date. I am trying to be understanding, but this is a big event in my life, too...and a baby shower is literally 3-4 hours time on one day. I feel that she is being unsupportive, especially since I have been nothing short of supportive, monetarily and emotionally, for her wedding day. To top it off, she doesn't work (not judging) and spends all her time planning this wedding. I am hurt that her excuse for not attending is that it will cut into her honeymoon packing time. If I didn't live so far away, I would of course accommodate changing the date, but I don't know if I can due to my situation. Am I being unreasonable or a bad friend? TIA!

Nutmegger2

Oo don't think you're being unreasonable at all. In fact, the most unreasonable this about this post was that she's expecting Her friends to spend time and money on a THREE DAY bachelorette party. That's attention whore nonsense. A wedding is a weekend event that should not have anything to do scheduling-wise that impacts OTHER weekends around it. If she really has that much to do that she can't pause to spend 3 hours thinking of someone other than herself , she is incredibly bad at time management in addition to being selfish. I'd stick with your plan. It seems to make the most sense. I would do it the same way.

jen83mn

I think your friend is being unreasonable and your plan sounds perfect! You have been so accommodating in regard to her wedding and it's unreasonable for her to expect you to rearrange your plans because it's not convenient for her, especially when you're traveling and it only makes sense to have the shower that weekend. I'm assuming she won't be the one hosting the baby shower? Then I could understand more where she would be coming from if she was worried about adding another thing to her plate prior to the wedding, but if all she has to do is attend the shower, it really shouldn't be a big deal. I would just tell her that you understand she has a lot to do to prepare for the wedding, but that it's really important for you to be able have your shower and celebrate with your friends and family while you're already in Florida since you won't be able to make another trip. Hopefully she understands where you're coming from! Either way, I wouldn't change the date and I'd stick with your original plan.

Nessy430

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all... She's being bridezilla-ish & selfish if she can't take 3 hours out of her day to come celebrate your baby. It makes a lot of sense that since you are already down in FL then, you have the shower! I would do it anyway, she's the one who is going to look petty.

marceedee

I completely agree with the previous two posters.  Your friend is expecting far too much consideration from you (and everyone, I would venture to guess).  Your plan sounds perfect.  I say go forward with plans for the baby shower being the weekend before.  I would even go so far as to tell her bride that you understand how busy she is and tell her that while she'll be missed, you would completely understand if she couldn't attend.  Now you're gracious and forgiving and the decision is back on her.

excited2bmommy09

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'm pretty sure those save the date cards that get sent out for weddings only have ONE day on them, she can't claim an entire week! I would let her know you understand how special this time is for her and that you realize she has a lot to do, but this is your only opportunity to have a shower in Florida and it would mean a lot to you if she could be there for your special day as well. It seems like many brides crawl inside their own heads and get lost in their weddings and forget life is still continuing outside of their event. Maybe she just needs to understand another really important thing is happening and she needs to be there for you as well. We all need reminders that the world doesn't revolve around us from time to time haha

WDDCH

I'd tell her that date can't be changed and you're sorry you won't see her on your special day but you'll catch up with her at the bachelorette party.

Don't make more drama by starting a fight. Just focus on the people who are committing to attend and tell her you'll catch up with her at the bachelorette. She may change her mind after she thinks things through and she realizes the whole world can't stop for her wedding.

When's she back from her honeymoon, if she decided to pout like a baby and pretend she needs more than three days to pack and doesn't show for you shower... then tell her what you thought and how that hurt you.

BeachBabe22

Wow..I cannot believe that your friend can not find a few hours in her busy Sunday before her wedding to attend your baby shower.  That is extremely selfish and rude. I would keep the date and if your friend won't attend then she doesn't sound like a great friend.  

ktbkitten

I agree with the previous posters. If you want to stay her friend I wouldn't try to push for her to be there, as much as it may suck. I'm sure that she is just super wrapped up in her own life to pay much attention to what others need. It's funny how personalities can come out like that from people. I think  that you're being more than accommodating. It's not like you're asking her to change her 3 DAY PARTY!!! Have your party and enjoy your day, offer her to be there and understand that if she can't make it oh well and move on. Maybe once it gets closer she'll realize that she can miss a few hours of wedding stuff to be there for you. 

ccook83

You are in no way be unreasonable!  This is the only chance for you and travel and see your friends before you have your baby if I was in the same situation I would for sure be killing two birds with one stone!  Tell her you'd be happy for her to come and share the special time with you but you understand that she's busy and if she can't make it you won't be upset (as others have said put it back on her!)  I had three bridesmaids that were pregnant when I got married and I happily attended all the showers (one of them had two showers since her two sides of the family don't get along), although none of them were the weekend before my wedding it would not have made a difference to me at all and I would have attended with out a doubt!

twinamato

I think she is being a bitch!! Also selfish!! That is just so mean! I would be pissed!!

Your plan sounds perfect and well thought out (with you being selfless and always thinking about your friend's happenings) so... Shame on her!! Seriously, I would have already told her off, if that was my friend! I'm serious too haha

twinamato

Nutmegger2 said:

In fact, the most unreasonable this about this post was that she's expecting Her friends to spend time and money on a THREE DAY bachelorette party. That's attention whore nonsense.

This ^^ :clap:

sbellaro

I was in a similar situation where one of my bridesmaids asked if she could have her baby shower the weekend before my wedding. At the time she asked i told her that i may be busy and it would be better if she chose another weekend. We were leaving for a eurpoean honeymoon the day after the wedding. This all being said she still picked that weekend as it was the only day that worked for her. And i made the time to attend and help plan her baby shower. Hopefully she will realize you both have parts in each others lives and have to accommodate each other.

nicki917

Thanks for your replies! They validate the way I've been feeling about it and I have been feeling bitter about this friend for a while. This is the straw that broke the camel's back as far as me feeling really upset towards her. I got married 8 years ago and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. She was not the best bridesmaid...complained about everything and anything that cost time or money. I find it ironic that my bridesmaid dresses were $100 and she is asking people to spend $300 now on her dresses. I had one bridal shower...she is having 4 different ones (2 hosted by the bridesmaids) I tried to be understanding at my wedding time since I was the first of my friends to get married. I only had one night for a bachelorette party bar-hopping with my best friends and had the best time. I was so stoked to have a limo! Now it seems like everyone of my friends has this huge getaway for bachelorette parties...I don't get it. Anyways, I thought maybe she has grown since then, but this kind of proves to me that she hasn't and I am really hurt by it. I like your suggestions and I'm going to tell her exactly what many of you said...I hope you can be there, but if you can't I understand. I just hope I can understand if she doesn't and not feel a little bitter about it. I feel blessed to have plenty of people that ARE excited for me and will attend and be there for me. I am going to focus on all those people.

mrscate88

Is your friend helping plan or arrange the baby shower in some time-consuming way? Because if she isn't, it is only going to take a few precious hours away from her packing and it's a whole week before her wedding. Don't mean to be rude, but she sounds like a brat that doesn't want you taking her attention away with your baby shower. I would tell her very politely that the baby shower is a very small commitment compared to the huge commitment you've made to her and her wedding, and that you'll be hurt if she can't make it, but you understand that packing for a honeymoon is "stressful" ahem (emphasis on sarcasm here). That's just my two cents. Congrats on the baby excitement though, I'm super happy for you!!

mrscate88

Sorry for posting right after you without reading the last post, I didn't get a chance to read your response before I threw in my two cents

Unknown

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nicki917

No, she's not helping to plan. We share a circle of very close friends and every other friend has reached out to help but her. Granted, I would never ask...it is one week before her wedding and I planned my own wedding. It is time-consuming, but I feel like this whole issue is one of time management. If she wanted to make the time, she could and would. I just feel like I am not important enough to her to do that...and that is the root of the issue and the reason that I feel the way I feel.

raspell

I think you are doing the right thing, and are in no way being unreasonable or anything like that. I am so sorry that your friend is being so selfish. I know how hurtful it can be when someone you consider your friend acts this way!

Best of luck to you, I hope you have the very very best baby shower with or without her. Although, that being said, I sincerely hope she sees the error of her ways and sets herself straight before then, because she is being ridiculous.

Melzig76

Tell her to suck it up & give you a few hours of her time. If she is like most brides, the majority of the stuff will be done at that point or close to. If she can't come, that is really u fortunate because it sounds like you have gone above & beyond for her. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

pregat40

Yup. What everyone else said. Your friend must not realize with her nuptials happening real soon, that Her own baby being born will be in a few short years and yes she will expect everyone to celebrate with her. Don't sweat it if she don't come, take the high road but the heffa better send a gift in lieu of her absence. ..