September 2015 Moms

My mother is driving my crazy!

My mom is being really pushy, critical, and suffocating. She demands that we live with her after baby is born. She demands to be in the room During labor no matter how I feel. She also demands to come to every ultrasound we have. I want some of this experience to be private and between my husband and I because we are starting our own family now and need that closeness and privacy sometimes. I need my mother but it's getting to the point where I'm about to just cut her off altogether because I can't take the stress and it's not good for the baby. Please help i'm not trying to be ungrateful or selfish I know a lot of women would do anything to have their mothers with them during their pregnancy but you guys don't know my mom and it's just too much. Please only positive thoughts and advice

Re: My mother is driving my crazy!

  • Yes it's the demanding nature of her requests. She is making me feel like it's not even my baby! Ugh lol
  • Loading the player...
  • I don't have my mother with me....but if she was and was making all these demands, I'd have to shut it down real quick.  My Aunt and MIL insist that they can come to my appointments with me, but I politely let them know that my husband plans on being at every appointment.  It's a very personal time, and I feel like this is really the time where my husband and myself can connect on such a different level.  Of course I know my Aunt and MIL are excited, and I love that they are, but they also need to respect boundaries.  I can hear it in their voice when I tell them that my husband is already coming with me, but once this little nugget arrives, they'll forget you said don't come, and they're just going to want to hold that baby.  You have to let your mother know that you need her, just not at all the appointments, and no matter how much advice she can give you, you will have to figure things out on your own.  

    As for her wanting to be in the room during labor....that's a whole different scenario.  I'm pretty sure they all know not to even say anything about that because the only person I want in the room is the hubby. 

    BabyFetus Ticker
  • I have told her no or we will see when the time comes. But she ignores everything I say
  • Thanks :) you made me feel better about saying no.
  • Maybe tell her that if she doesn't want to listen to YOU and respect YOUR wishes during YOUR pregnancy, you have no choice but to cut communication with her. An innocent little threat usually make pushy people stop in their tracks and hopefully start thinking a bit :)
  • You have every right to feel that way; I would object to my mom coming to my doctor's appointments and especially to her being in the room during the birth! She would only stress me out more! I would just keep explaining to her that this is a really important time for just you and your husband but that you would love to involve her as much as you can by sharing the ultrasound photos with her afterward, letting her see the baby right after the birth at the hospital, etc. Just explain to her that you don't really feel comfortable having her in the room with you when you're basically exposing yourself and that it causes you more stress! Ultimately it's your decision and she should respect it :)
  • You have every right to be frustrated with your situation. I agree with @josefink in that I'd try the little threat as she does need to respect you and your wishes, give the 3 strikes and actually go through with it after 3 mentions of said threat for a week or two and see if she gets the hint. If you have siblings, maybe see if they'll assist in backing up your decisions? I text or email pictures of my ultrasounds and I try to talk to her every couple weeks on how I'm doing or for advice, but I will go off on her if she can't respect me and my wishes during my pregnancy (though she'd probably blame my hormones). 
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • With my first DD I wanted it all about the DH and myself...my mom wasn't pushy about anything bc she had 2 of her girls pregnant at the same time..my second I made her (unwillingly) be in the room for DS's birth! I wanted her to be there even though my DH was apposed bc she can be a bit much! (I also didn't allow my mil in even though my DH wanted her there too! She was MAD but got over it) And I was very thankful she was there bc it was her voice that got me through "holding him in" for my dr to arrive. This baby I will allow her to choose bc I'm going natural and it will just be BEYOND PLEASENT! Lol! It is completely up to you!!!
  • I know exactly what you're going through. My mother demands to go to EVERY appointment with me, even though only 1 person can be in the back with me. More than that, she insists that I stay with and sleep in her bed every night because she believes our bed doesn't give the proper support (my bed is much more comfy and cozy). I've had to hurt her feelings several times and it makes me feel bad when she starts crying and saying she wants me to have the perfect pregnancy but she's driving me insane.. So as soon as you figure out how to stop the madness please let me know!!
  • I swear, I could have written this post 4 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. Seriously.

    My mother demanded to be in the delivery room, spent over 5k on baby stuff, but held it hostage at her house, demanded that me and baby move in after the birth (without DH).. It was insane and caused me so much stress.

    I didn't call her when we headed to the hospital. Waited a while and she showed up and was incredibly helpful, and I am so glad she got to see her grandchild be born.. But that's what worked for us, not because she got her way.

    I didn't move in with her, and she ended up bringing all the baby stuff to me.

    I told her at one point that this is my child, if she wanted to be in our lives, she would respect my boundaries and listen to what I say.

    You can try to talk to her, cut her off.. Etc. But the thing is, she wont be around to make you call her when you go into labor. Dont! Call her when the baby is born. Unless she's holding a gun to your husbands head while he's driving, go home after the baby is born. coming from experience, if you have a mother like that.. You must put your foot down as soon as you can. I had to go 10 months without speaking to mine for her to finally accept that DH and I were a packaged deal. feel free to pm me anytime, I can try to help you. Again, plenty of experience.
  • She's your mom so she should understand if you explain to her that you and your husband want to share this experience with each other and no one else. Let her be at the hospital when you're in labor but not in the room during the delivery. You could maybe even talk the nurses or doctor into telling her that no one else besides the husband is allowed in the room for the delivery ;) hehe  My mom was in the room for my first child but that was only because the father was not in the picture and I was only 17 years old, so she's the only person I had. When my daughter was born, she came to the hospital to visit while I was in labor but she didn't expect to be in the room during the delivery. She ended up taking my son to a movie since there wasn't much for him to do at the hospital and we had our daughter while they were gone.
  • I had to shit my mom down today and she lives 1500 miles away! You've gotta be stern and put them in their place or you won't be happy. My mom freaked about the decision to pick God Parents outside of the family and today I was like, "My child is going to be biracial and I want my child to be raised in a bilingual household in Texas around Mexican family members with strong traditional beliefs." She shut up. Plus our friends the Godparents are neutral so at least our families can't get jealous of each other lol.
  • Sounds like she's having separation issues because you are her baby girl. give in a little, mom won't be around forever and you don't want to look back and wish you had let her do those things with you. You can't take those things back. Moms want to be involved and I'm sure you'll feel the same when your first baby is having their baby, I know I sure will! She'll let up eventually, but for now I would let her feel involved! Why don't you give her a task like planning your shower?
    Expecting baby #3 Due 9/15/2015
    image
    image
    image
  • I had a very pushy mother. My mother was so bad that whenever we disagreed about something I did or not feel like doing she would get my grandparents, father, and even step-mother involved. During college I went through therapy about this and a few other issues going on in my life. There I learned not only that it was okay to say no but how to say no.

    cupcakemcgee, I'm sure you love your mother very much and I am sure loves you also. But it's okay to say "No". "No. I do not want to live with you after the baby is born. No. I do not want you to be in the room during my ultrasounds." You can even give her your reasons why. But you shouldn't argue with her. If she starts countering your points, calmly tell her "No". If she keeps arguing, you state that you are done with the conversation and would like to move on. If that doesn't happen, you let her know that when she is ready to accept your decision, you are willing to speak with her again. Then you hang up.

    That is what I have taught my pushy family members. I don't like to hang up. I don't want to hang up. But I will. And you know what? After doing that the first time, my mother was very upset but she stopped being so pushy. And we get along better all the more for it.
    *Siggy Warning*

    image


    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I am not an overly open person so if my mom were pushing like this I would be having a terrible time with it. My mom very carefully asked me about my first appointment and when I told her that I only wanted my SO with me for it she was very understanding and said no more about it. I'm still very anxious about telling her that I don't want her or any other family members in the delivery room with me. I what to share the birth of my first child to be a special moment between me and the father of my child. It's overwhelming enough to me that I have to have the medical staff there looking up in my business. Don't need everyone to see it. Plus, my mom used to work on the maternity floor and is a very take charge kind of person. I want her to be able to relax and not feel like she needs to help with anything. If I feel like I need her I can always ask for her.
  • My mom isn't here anymore, but I feel your pain with my mother-in-law. The woman drives me nuts. She acted this way with our first and we had to draw the line and distance ourselves a bit when she didnt want to respect our wishes. She started getting the same way with this pregnancy and we had to remind her again that we are our own little family and it has seemed to help. I have found being persistent with her works best. I know every mother is different though. Good luck! :)
  • My mom hasn't been around most of my life and isn't around now, so I don't know how I would feel if she was being pushy. But ultimately, it's your baby, your body, and your choice. My lovely MIL wants to be in the room for delivery and I prefer that it's just me and my husband. Now is the time to be very frank with her. Say, "Mom, I love you and want you to be a part of this, but if you don't start respecting my space and my feelings, you're going to end up missing out on a lot of this stuff because I'm not going to want you around." Ouch, I know. But I always think honesty is the best policy and you hold the ACE (the baby!) It has worked for me so far in all of these little awkward moments through early pregnancy and I plan to be just as frank throughout the rest of it. If you can't tell her how you feel, your pregnancy will be miserable and so will life after it. But I also agree with the other ladies here that you should include her in lots of baby stuff and let her enjoy it with you, but only if she's respectful! You can also just have the nurse tell everyone to get out of the room when it's time for baby to come if that's easier. Hang in there!
  • Like another commenter, my mom passed but if she were here and treated me this way I'd have a major problem. I'd set her straight and if she couldn't deal then I'd have to shut her out. I just can't handle people who push me. The harder people push, the harder I push back.
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • jyoga87jyoga87 member
    edited February 2015
    I understand.. It seems you can either set healthy boundaries with her or accept things as they are and find an outlet to cope with it. I've had longstanding issues with my mom because she is a narcissist . as an example of her narcissism, when I told her I was pregnant she asked if I could move my estimated delivery date via inducing to accomodate her work schedule. I've learned to set strong boundaries and rely on my husband, friends, and other family members for the support that I can't get from her !
    Me (27) & Hubby (40): 1/22/11
    EDD of 1st: 9/11/15
    PhD grad date: 6/1/16
  • I agree with the other posters, tell her that this is a special time for you and your husband and it's not her place to demand anything.

    I would go crazy if my mom acted like that! My mom asked to be at the anatomy scan because this will be her seventh grandchild and she's never gotten to go to an appointment for any of the others and I obliged, but only because I was planning on asking her anyway. I want her to learn the gender and get a cake with the gender specific colored filling for my husband and I to cut and have photos taken of later on. I think it would be really cool for her to share that experience of being the first to know the gender with the baby in the future. My husband, of course, wants his mom invited to that u/s as well, which I'm fine with, I'm just worried his grandma will ask to come too. Or worse, she won't ask, she'll just show up. It has happened more than once during other things and will happen way too frequently when she just happens to be in the neighborhood and shows up at our house unannounced when baby is born...
  • My mom totally respects my space and was the one who said that it is a private thing to make a baby and a private thing to have the baby.

    My MIL, however, was suggesting that she be there for the birth (I do not need my MIL looking at my vajay-jay, there are enough strangers doing that already). We simply did not tell anyone we were in labour. We just called our immediate family after our daughter was born.

    You need you set up boundries with your family. In my marriage I handle my parents and my hubby handles his (although my MIL is so manipulative and vicimizes herself to him to the point that he feels bad for her and I have to be the "bad guy"... she is definately not my biggest fan). Before our daughter was born we sat down and discussed what our boundries were then relayed that info to our parents.

    I would take her out for coffee in a public place (with the intent of keeping her from having a blow out) and discuss what you would like from your pregnancy, how you want to experience this time in your life, and what would make you more comfortable when it comes to the birth. I am sure she will understand.

    Maybe even give her a "job" involving the pregnancy that will keep her busy but still feel involved. Something that you wouldn't mind delegating like painting the nursery, or sewing you some burp cloths or blankets.
  • Thanks everyone! What great advice! I think I'm going to go with not calling her until after the baby is born it's just that kind of situation. Lol
  • You could also give your mom the job of calling all the relatives after the baby is born. This is what we are doing with my mom and mil. We also aren't going to tell anyone till the baby's born. I'm expecting a fuss from Mil since she got to be in the room when her other grandchildren were born, but DH gets to handle that
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"