My mom is being really pushy, critical, and suffocating. She demands that we live with her after baby is born. She demands to be in the room During labor no matter how I feel. She also demands to come to every ultrasound we have. I want some of this experience to be private and between my husband and I because we are starting our own family now and need that closeness and privacy sometimes. I need my mother but it's getting to the point where I'm about to just cut her off altogether because I can't take the stress and it's not good for the baby. Please help i'm not trying to be ungrateful or selfish I know a lot of women would do anything to have their mothers with them during their pregnancy but you guys don't know my mom and it's just too much. Please only positive thoughts and advice
Re: My mother is driving my crazy!
My mother demanded to be in the delivery room, spent over 5k on baby stuff, but held it hostage at her house, demanded that me and baby move in after the birth (without DH).. It was insane and caused me so much stress.
I didn't call her when we headed to the hospital. Waited a while and she showed up and was incredibly helpful, and I am so glad she got to see her grandchild be born.. But that's what worked for us, not because she got her way.
I didn't move in with her, and she ended up bringing all the baby stuff to me.
I told her at one point that this is my child, if she wanted to be in our lives, she would respect my boundaries and listen to what I say.
You can try to talk to her, cut her off.. Etc. But the thing is, she wont be around to make you call her when you go into labor. Dont! Call her when the baby is born. Unless she's holding a gun to your husbands head while he's driving, go home after the baby is born. coming from experience, if you have a mother like that.. You must put your foot down as soon as you can. I had to go 10 months without speaking to mine for her to finally accept that DH and I were a packaged deal. feel free to pm me anytime, I can try to help you. Again, plenty of experience.
cupcakemcgee, I'm sure you love your mother very much and I am sure loves you also. But it's okay to say "No". "No. I do not want to live with you after the baby is born. No. I do not want you to be in the room during my ultrasounds." You can even give her your reasons why. But you shouldn't argue with her. If she starts countering your points, calmly tell her "No". If she keeps arguing, you state that you are done with the conversation and would like to move on. If that doesn't happen, you let her know that when she is ready to accept your decision, you are willing to speak with her again. Then you hang up.
That is what I have taught my pushy family members. I don't like to hang up. I don't want to hang up. But I will. And you know what? After doing that the first time, my mother was very upset but she stopped being so pushy. And we get along better all the more for it.
I would go crazy if my mom acted like that! My mom asked to be at the anatomy scan because this will be her seventh grandchild and she's never gotten to go to an appointment for any of the others and I obliged, but only because I was planning on asking her anyway. I want her to learn the gender and get a cake with the gender specific colored filling for my husband and I to cut and have photos taken of later on. I think it would be really cool for her to share that experience of being the first to know the gender with the baby in the future. My husband, of course, wants his mom invited to that u/s as well, which I'm fine with, I'm just worried his grandma will ask to come too. Or worse, she won't ask, she'll just show up. It has happened more than once during other things and will happen way too frequently when she just happens to be in the neighborhood and shows up at our house unannounced when baby is born...
My MIL, however, was suggesting that she be there for the birth (I do not need my MIL looking at my vajay-jay, there are enough strangers doing that already). We simply did not tell anyone we were in labour. We just called our immediate family after our daughter was born.
You need you set up boundries with your family. In my marriage I handle my parents and my hubby handles his (although my MIL is so manipulative and vicimizes herself to him to the point that he feels bad for her and I have to be the "bad guy"... she is definately not my biggest fan). Before our daughter was born we sat down and discussed what our boundries were then relayed that info to our parents.
I would take her out for coffee in a public place (with the intent of keeping her from having a blow out) and discuss what you would like from your pregnancy, how you want to experience this time in your life, and what would make you more comfortable when it comes to the birth. I am sure she will understand.
Maybe even give her a "job" involving the pregnancy that will keep her busy but still feel involved. Something that you wouldn't mind delegating like painting the nursery, or sewing you some burp cloths or blankets.