Bonus Daughters Behavior

MommaBre2007

When I first met my now 4 year old bonus daughter she was a... handful. Her mother was never in her life and her father, my fiance, had no experiance with children before. She was behind in everything. She said only 2 words and her way of getting what she needed/wanted was by screaming like she was being set on fire. She would do this no matter where she was. It was so bad that I recently found out she wasnt allowed at her Aunts house. Also, she would only eat pop tarts. Her Dad gave into everything just to not hear her scream. I knew she just needed motherly love, and slowly she started becoming a well balanced child. After we became engaged and soon found out we were expecting we decided I would stay home with her and my 7 year old daughter. She started improving dramatically. But since more attention has been put on the baby coming (10 weeks to go!!) she has started back tracking. The thing is, its only with her dad because he gives into her. She goes from a well behaved child that will eat whats put in front of her and very independant to crying and dependant the second he gets home. Im affraid everything we have all worked for is going to go down hill. Any ideas on what I can do to help her understand that her Daddy and I will still be there for her once the baby is here?

pistachio&blush

I'm no expert but it sounds like the problem is your husband and not the child. I think you need to talk to him about his behavior, which appears to be encouraging/causing the unwanted behavioral problems with the child. Sounds like the problem will evenutaully be solved if you two were on the same page when it comes to parenting. She only acts out when he comes home. Good luck.... Being a SM is a hard, thankless job.

MommaBre2007

We have had arguments about our parenting styles. His is "no child is or ever will be perfect" and mine is "You expect nothing then you get nothing in return". The problem is he never sees the independant child she is because she instantly changes in front of him. We will need to have another talk but you are right. This is hard. I also raised my daughter on my own and never co parented with anyone. Her dad was, and still is, pretty much a glorified uncle. So having to share parenting duties is hard for me. Thank you for your advice.

Blergbot

This may be difficult to talk your FI into, but it really sounds like a behavioral therapist might be needed here, and maybe hearing this stuff from a professional will finally have an effect on your FI.

pistachio&blush

Blergbot said:

This may be difficult to talk your FI into, but it really sounds like a behavioral therapist might be needed here, and maybe hearing this stuff from a professional will finally have an effect on your FI.

I agree. I am a SM too and I completely understand how extremely difficult it is to talk to your husband about their child's behavior. We ended up addressing those issues in therapy. Having a professional present made it much easier to discuss the problems and my husband was more receptive. Good luck. This is not easy.

somewheresublime86

I agree with PP. A neutral third party would definitely be helpful here. Best of luck!

JuliaLovesPugs

Poor little thing. It must have been so frustrating for her not to be able to communicate well at the age of four. I just want to say good job to you for stepping in to help her and give her the love she needs. Also maybe check out the blended family board. I think there are a lot of people there who understand how hard the role of step parent can be.

SeekingSmall

I would definitely have her evaluated. At 4, how is her speech? How well does she interact with others? How does she handle other changes?

NagaWater

First of all "bonus daughter" just sounds insulting.

Second you need to have her evaluated by a professional.

MommaBre2007

Thank you to all who replied. We are going are going to have her evaluated by the ECE here in town. As far as bonus daughter goes, I call her that because I dont look at her as my step child. I look at her as this amazing bonus that came with an amazing relationship. The only thing tht gets in our way of having a true mother/daughter relationship is that stupid DNA. Thank you for your input though. Also I was not aware there was a blended family board.

MommaBre2007

Her speech has improved greatly but is not where it needs to be. I do not respond to her unless she uses her words and if I know its probably something she really cant put into words I help her. I was a preschool teacher for 5 years so it was not too difficult to figure out how to treat the situation. But I still want to have her evaluated because Im sure there are loads of techniques I could be using to help her more. This is a priority. I want her to know that she and my oldest daughter will also be main priorities along with the baby.

NagaWater

So just call her your daughter. Bonus daughter sounds like she came with a box of cereal.

Sorrynotsorry.

ewilson74

It sounds like she is having what psychologists term an extinction burst. The only way to eliminate a behaviour is to be consistent, otherwise she will keep returning to what has worked in the past.

I work with a 17 year who often acts like a toddler. Her parents have found it easier to give in than to be consistent. It is not pretty.

BBS!

Glad she's being evaluated. There are lots of red flags that sound more than just parenting issues. Good luck.

redneckmomma25

As a step daughter, bonus daughter doesn't bother me. 

MommaBre2007

ewilson74 said:

It sounds like she is having what psychologists term an extinction burst. The only way to eliminate a behaviour is to be consistent, otherwise she will keep returning to what has worked in the past.

I work with a 17 year who often acts like a toddler. Her parents have found it easier to give in than to be consistent. It is not pretty.</blockquote

My fiance stays home with the girls on the weekends while I work. If he does not start treating her her age when Im not there do you believe this could be permanent thing?

MommaBre2007

redneckmomma25 said:

As a step daughter, bonus daughter doesn't bother me. 

Thank you. I have never met anyone who thought it sounded bad. I too am a step daughter.

NagaWater

MommaBre2007 said:

As a step daughter, bonus daughter doesn't bother me. 

Thank you. I have never met anyone who thought it sounded bad. I too am a step daughter.

Maybe not to your face. I, as a step daughter, Would have been appalled if my stepfather had called me that. 

MommaBre2007

To each her own.

Ndm410

Just keep in mind that kids in general can often backtrack into more babyish/attention seeking behaviors when a new baby comes into the picture. Consistency is key as you know and just lots of love and reassurance. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Will your FI be able to be there while she is evaluated and then be involved in any intervention efforts? If he is a part of all of that maybe it would help him get on the same page as you...

mhickey426

redneckmomma25 said:

As a step daughter, bonus daughter doesn't bother me. 

Same here. I think it sounds nicer then step daughter.
As other people said, your husband is the problem not her. He has to be a parent and not just give in. It is a lotttt easier to give in but that isn't teacher her anything and will get her no where in life. Time to give him some tough love about stepping. Up

mfouillard

My husbands -cousins -wife calls her husbands kids her bonus daughters as well. It does not sound bad at all, I think it's very cute actually!

BBS!

I agree bonus daughter sounds lovely. I hear no negative connotations with it.