Shameful Gender Disappointment — The Bump
June 2015 Moms

Shameful Gender Disappointment

WhootieWhootie member
edited December 2014 in June 2015 Moms
Feeling so ashamed. I have wanted a girl literally my WHOLE life. I have 5 brothers, 11 uncles, and even 2 male dogs. The first time I asked my mom for a baby sister I was 4. I just crave a little more estrogen around. I absolutely adore my son and to be honest was around little sad when I found out he was a boy. I have obviously long since gotten over the fact the he is all boy, but I really held on to the fact that maybe our 2nd and last child would be and girl. Nay. At my almost 13 week ultrasound the tech thought it was another boy based on the nub theory (from which I understand is very acurate). I am so nervous for the 20 week u/s. I am still holding on to hope that the first tech was wrong even though I feel I will be devastated if a boy is confirmed. I feel ashamed and guilty. Even worse my husband was wanting a sweet little girl too and he does not seem nearly as excited... making me even a little more depressed. Feeling devastated and ashamed.
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Re: Shameful Gender Disappointment

  • The nub theory and checking for the sex of your baby at 13 weeks is not reliable. You may get a completely different result at your anatomy scan at 20 weeks.
    I suggest that if you are feeling this stressed and depressed about the potential of having a second boy, that you talk with your doctor about getting some additional help. Stress and depression are serious issues and can cause complications in your pregnancy.
    --Amanda--
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    blu-eyedwifeMrsRucinski85mccall35UseTheTriforce94
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  • Thank you for your reply. Maybe I should start a post about the nub theory. Perhaps I am lacking information from both sides. I guess there is a fine line between hormonal and depressed. I suppose time will allow me to see things more clearly.
  • @Whootie. Hey now, you posted on a public forum to INTERNET STRANGERS. You're going to get people who are going to be on both sides of the spectrum on your issue. Remember that.

    I agree with PP about seeking more intervention on your depression/anxiety over this issue. Therapy works, in my opinion. Good luck to you. But please, stop acting surprised when you get some responses that challenge you. 



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    sammycaChula94[Deleted User]Claire&Cub
  • On a public forum like this, there will always be very opposing opinions. This is a sensitive subject because so many of us just want that healthy baby in any shape or form! I'm sure you do too, but there's obviously some things that you really need to discuss with a professional. Echoing the sentiments of others on here, its important to seek help. Don't let your OB tell you its nonsense, depression is not in your control and this is a very real problem to you. You shouldn't be experiencing shame and guilt for how you feel.

    That's prob the best bet at being able to develop a connection to your LO (if indeed it is a boy!!) Good luck, OP...
  • I, too, think a small level of disappointment is normal in a situation like this. We found out Saturday that we are having another son, and I was disappointed for about 1 minute. Now I've already started shopping and pinning to his nursery board! :) it's normal to have a hard time getting over the family you imagined, but if it's a big enough issue that you felt you needed to talk to your doctor beforehand, I would definitely suggest finding some help. Your (potentially) new son and the rest of your family deserve at least that. Congrats on your healthy baby!!!
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    megmama[Deleted User]malgosia21sUseTheTriforce94
  • Nub theory is bullshit. The nub could be pointing up or down depending on the angle. I'm sorry about losing your mom so early, that must have been very hard for you. Don't rule out hope that this baby is a girl, just do your job of being the best mom you can be to your kids/ if it is a boy think of the wonderful relationship your son will have with a brother. Gender disappointment is normal, I have a gf who has 5 daughters and Obv would have loved a son but it just didn't happen for her. You'll be fine, I promise.
  • @mamahawk12 I'm confused about how the "as long as the baby is healthy" is offensive. I'm not being snarky; I legitimately don't understand that.
  • I guess when I say "healthy", I mean alive. I had severe IUGR with DS ( he was less than 3.5 lbs when born at 37 weeks) and he was born with hypospadias, a common male birth defect. He's had one surgery for it and will likely need another. He also had PT for a year due to a gross motor delay. I have always considered him healthy. I do like the phase in the second article that says "as long as they are here". I guess that's really what I mean when I say healthy.
    aspengroen
  • KikiCohen said:
    I guess when I say "healthy", I mean alive. I had severe IUGR with DS ( he was less than 3.5 lbs when born at 37 weeks) and he was born with hypospadias, a common male birth defect. He's had one surgery for it and will likely need another. He also had PT for a year due to a gross motor delay. I have always considered him healthy. I do like the phase in the second article that says "as long as they are here". I guess that's really what I mean when I say healthy.
    Agreed, but that's not what a lot of people hear when that phrase is used. And it's definitely not what tiny ears hear. 
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  • KikiCohen said:

    @mamahawk12 I'm confused about how the "as long as the baby is healthy" is offensive. I'm not being snarky; I legitimately don't understand that.

    I suppose I should have used the word insensitive, more than offensive. Give these a read if you have time, they describe my feelings pretty accurately (better than I could, without plagiarizing.)






    Love this.
  • At our 12 week our tech thought it was a boy, but said the genitalia can be so similar she wouldn't call it yet. Well, yesterday we had a 16 week scan, and it's a boy. We have a girl, and I already thought this baby was a boy, but I'm dissapointed. My husband was upset because I'm not excited. I feel awful that I'm not excited, I just ways pictured and imagined having girls. I have no idea how to raise a boy and I worry the bond with him won't be strong like it is with my daughter. I know at some point I will get over it and love this baby as much as my daughter, but it's hard right now. I think the most important thing is to realize it's okay to be disappointed. It's okay and your feelings are totally valid. The more you try to shove those feelings down, the worse it will be.
    emme&dubya
  • I think it is normal to be disappointed with finding out the baby isn't the sex you wanted to an extent. Shame and guilt are not good though. You may really need to talk to someone if your feelings are more than just a little disappointment. I too have a boy and am hoping since this will be our last it turns out to be a girl. I have decided not to find out either way though because I know when that baby is handed to me in the delivery room I won't be "disappointed" either way. Also agree with PP about fostering or adoption. It truly is a wonderful thing. Hoping you find out it's a girl but also hope you find peace if it's a boy!
    I agree with this! Don't find out at your 20 weeks, be team green.. that way you won't have disappointment .. when you get a healthy baby in your arms, that is all that matters!! Also, You should seek help with your depression, it can cause stress on your baby! 

    Good Luck to you
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    mandybackenaspengroenMissBridg
  • BabyList said:

    At our 12 week our tech thought it was a boy, but said the genitalia can be so similar she wouldn't call it yet. Well, yesterday we had a 16 week scan, and it's a boy. We have a girl, and I already thought this baby was a boy, but I'm dissapointed. My husband was upset because I'm not excited. I feel awful that I'm not excited, I just ways pictured and imagined having girls. I have no idea how to raise a boy and I worry the bond with him won't be strong like it is with my daughter. I know at some point I will get over it and love this baby as much as my daughter, but it's hard right now. I think the most important thing is to realize it's okay to be disappointed. It's okay and your feelings are totally valid. The more you try to shove those feelings down, the worse it will be.

    This is how I felt when I was pregnant with my now 4 year old ds. I never wanted a boy. I hate sports. I am not into cars or trucks or any of the stereotypical boy things. Oddly enough, I bonded to that baby boy from the second I layed eyes on him. Much easier to bond with him than my dd when she was born. To this day he is my sunshine. He is the sweetest, cuddliest, easiest little boy. I love both of my kids equally but I always say he is gods gift to us for putting up with my challenging dd!
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  • KikiCohen said:

    @mamahawk12 I'm confused about how the "as long as the baby is healthy" is offensive. I'm not being snarky; I legitimately don't understand that.

    I suppose I should have used the word insensitive, more than offensive. Give these a read if you have time, they describe my feelings pretty accurately (better than I could, without plagiarizing.)






    Thank you for posting these links. It was something I legitimately did not understand and even having a very unhealthy (cancer) kid I never found it offensive. I now get what people are offended by. To me it still doesn't speak to the worth of the child but happy to never use the term again since that is how some perceive it.
    mandybackenWhootiemamahawk12UseTheTriforce94
  • I agree with PPs that the "nub theory" is crap. And if it makes you feel better with DD I was told by a tech at 12 weeks that there "might be something there" and she thought it was a boy. I felt a little disappointment too as I had always dreamed of a girl. Fast forward to 20 weeks and the same tech performed the ultrasound and it was very clear that she was a girl! It's too early to tell. 
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  • This is why we are team green this time around. I have always wanted all boys and my first was a girl. I was disappointed for a little bit but it quickly changed and was non existent once she was here. My second was a boy and my daughter cried she wanted a sister so bad. This time I would love to have a boy and my hubby and daughter would love a little girl. There will be no disappointment or shameful feelings this time around. :) We are also 1/25 chance of having a baby with a trisomy defect, so that's more at the front of our minds than the sex. We're just thankful for this last little baby :) There is definitely nothing wrong with what you're feeling and it's really great you're talking about it :)
    darvoWhootieMissBridg
  • For OP...I'm sorry that it hasn't hit you that this child is a blessing. I hate to sound cliche, but after all the exams, tests, and issues you know can go wrong with a pregnancy- aren't you just happy to have a healthy baby? My SO wants a girl but I tell him I really don't care and mean that with 100% conviction. I hope you can find peace in knowing you'll have a healthy baby should you choose to stay positive.
  • I definitely didn't even get through all the comments because honestly the posts lately have made me so angry.  I think you have every right to be disappointed about the sex of your child.  I agree with the "women who can't have children" is horse shit.  Yes I feel terrible for women like this.  My best friend just delivered a baby at 24 weeks 1 month ago and thank god he's still living.  However, that doesn't make me not want to admit that yes I'd like a boy this second pregnancy.  People need to stop being so judgemental.  No I don't think you need "help" or need to go to therapy bc your disappointed about the sex of your child.  I think you have every right!
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    emme&dubyaWhootievirginiaunicorn11UseTheTriforce94
  • @littlebean4 your reading comprehension needs some work. Try again.

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  • Just saying it how i see it, there were some awful posts out there. Not once did I mention that everyone felt that way.
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  • Sunny BSunny B member
    edited December 2014
    I definitely didn't even get through all the comments because honestly the posts lately have made me so angry.  I think you have every right to be disappointed about the sex of your child.  I agree with the "women who can't have children" is horse shit.  Yes I feel terrible for women like this.  My best friend just delivered a baby at 24 weeks 1 month ago and thank god he's still living.  However, that doesn't make me not want to admit that yes I'd like a boy this second pregnancy.  People need to stop being so judgemental.  No I don't think you need "help" or need to go to therapy bc your disappointed about the sex of your child.  I think you have every right!
    The way you phrased this is incredibly insulting. It's not horseshit. It's true. It doesn't mean that OP can't have sex disappointment, but to so easily shluff off the "women who can't have children" argument as horseshit is just as insensitive as people who don't listen to OPs post about a struggle she is having with open ears. 
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  • The nub theory worked for me, it's the 'angle of the dangle' and it is pretty accurate.  I just had it reconfirmed boy (my 2nd one).  I also want a girl, but am happy that my son will have a little brother to play with =) 
  • Some rather strong replies on here. I think OP is saying she feels ashamed and guilty because she so desperately wants a daughter and feels bad about her feelings, not that she'd be ashamed of having a son. I'm sure she will very much love her son that doesn't mean she can't long for a daughter
    WhootieUseTheTriforce94
  • I would suggest some internet research into the differences between a boy and a girl on an ultrasound at 13 weeks. From what I could find (in my snowflaky search to confirm what I determined during our a/s) the difference is none and the chances of them being right are purely that - chances. You are getting worked up over something that may turn out to be nothing.

    All of that said - I agree with pps that if it is bothering you this much you may want to look into counseling or talk to your doctor about it. I was worried I was going to be disappointed if this baby turned out to be a girl but at the end of the day I knew I would be completely happy either way, I just wanted a boy too (we already have a daughter).

    You seem to not have the "but" yet (or maybe you do and just don't realize it) and that is a little scary and maybe talking it over with a doc or counselor would help ease your mind and reassure you that you are going to love this baby no matter what!
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