Unsupportive Parents (A/W)

mommybelanova

This may seem a bit "dear diary" post, but I've tried searching related topics and haven't found much.

My SO's family sucks.
His parents are very religious, and since we aren't married (even though together for 7 years now) his mom and dad are not showing us any support. Recently, SIL had a stillbirth, and just after we had found out we were pregnant. We knew that telling anyone in his family would be hard, but didn't think it'd still be this way 2 months later. I know there's no time limit on grieving and expect it to be a touchy subject, however, now that SIL is expecting again, we thought it would become a lot easier.
Truth is it's become a lot harder! At any family thing everyone constantly wants to talk about SIL's pregnancy, however not once even asking how I'm feeling or any baby updates.
I feel as though they are just avoiding the fact were pregnant hoping that it will go away. Every time we visit them I end up leaving crying.
My question is, has anyone else had this issue? Did things change as you went along? How can I deal with this, and am I being overly bitter by not wanting them to be involved with baby, since they are so uninvolved with us.

dana1047

My husband and I have supportive parents but his grandma is being a negative nancy. Every time we turn around it's more negativity about the baby. Everything from hating our decision of making his uncle/wife the godparents (they couldn't have children), to even saying "why would you bring a baby into this world the way it is today, to misplaced financial concerns.

I'm 35 well established in my career field and DH finally stood his ground and told her how he felt. We haven't heard from her again and didn't attend their Thanksgiving not receive an invite/phone call. I'm over it. My family & his parents/other grandparents are support enough. If they can't be happy then they can kiss my ass!

Sorry you're also going through a tough time. I think many relatives overstep their boundaries but I couldn't imagine ignoring the subject all together. I doubt I'd be able to hold my silence without gushing about my own baby while they discuss your SIL's.

mommybelanova

@dana1047‌ I'm sorry your grandma is so outspoken and negative! Wow. I understand how annoying it can be.

Everyone keeps telling us not to worry about it because once baby is here they'll be in love regardless!
Bitter me says no, if they weren't supportive about baby before then they shouldn't act supportive once baby arrives!

Each time I offer input on my baby they room goes silent and everyone gets a shocked look as if they didn't know!

ally3242

OP, maybe you need to address the elephant in the room and ask them what their issue is and why they aren't coming across supportive of your pregnancy. Better yet, your SO should confront them. No one wants drama, but I think once everything is out on the table, you won't set yourself up for disappointment or leave family functions in tears. 

ChanStew

mommybelanova said:

@dana1047‌ I'm sorry your grandma is so outspoken and negative! Wow. I understand how annoying it can be. Everyone keeps telling us not to worry about it because once baby is here they'll be in love regardless! Bitter me says no, if they weren't supportive about baby before then they shouldn't act supportive once baby arrives! Each time I offer input on my baby they room goes silent and everyone gets a shocked look as if they didn't know!

That's just bizarre

hillbillywife

I agree with @ally3242‌ have your SO bring it up next time (tactfully) that way even if they don't act more supportive at least you'll know what their deal is and you can act appropriately off of that.

mommybelanova

@ChanStew‌ it's so bizarre, makes me feel like an idiot for mentioning any thing about it.

picklesx

ally3242 said:

OP, maybe you need to address the elephant in the room and ask them what their issue is and why they aren't coming across supportive of your pregnancy. Better yet, your SO should confront them. No one wants drama, but I think once everything is out on the table, you won't set yourself up for disappointment or leave family functions in tears. 

I agree that your SO should address this with his family in a gentle manner. Losing a child is an extremely painful thing and that pain isn't limited only to the parents. I would say they are probably still reeling from the loss and possibly associating your happy news with their tragedy. It's not necessarily "fair" that they are behaving that way toward you but emotions are a funny thing.

I don't even know if that makes sense to anyone else, but that's my $.02.

mommybelanova

I wish that SO would confront them, but I can't see it happening or going over well with how his parents are.

mommybelanova

@picklesx‌ it makes sense! I agree emotions are a funny thing but now that SIL is expecting again, and they're so open about it, they should be able to openly discuss my pregnancy as well

ally3242

mommybelanova said:

@picklesx‌ it makes sense! I agree emotions are a funny thing but now that SIL is expecting again, and they're so open about it, they should be able to openly discuss my pregnancy as well

I think things are a little different with her, because it's their daughter (I assume). Granted, that doesn't excuse poor behavior and a lack of support from them to their son who is about to become a father. Were you close with them before you got pregnant? Did ya'll have a really good relationship and then you got pregnant and they got icy? If that's the case, then it really ought to be addressed. But if you didn't have a really great relationship with them prior to your pregnancy...maybe you shouldn't be expecting so much from them? 

mommybelanova

ally3242 said:

mommybelanova said:

@picklesx‌ it makes sense! I agree emotions are a funny thing but now that SIL is expecting again, and they're so open about it, they should be able to openly discuss my pregnancy as well

I think things are a little different with her, because it's their daughter (I assume). Granted, that doesn't excuse poor behavior and a lack of support from them to their son who is about to become a father. Were you close with them before you got pregnant? Did ya'll have a really good relationship and then you got pregnant and they got icy? If that's the case, then it really ought to be addressed. But if you didn't have a really great relationship with them prior to your pregnancy...maybe you shouldn't be expecting so much from them? 

SIL is actually their sons wife, but you know, their married so it's TOTALLY different. I know they are bitter about us not being married. I wouldn't say we were overly close but we were on good terms and would do things together (shopping and going to the show) however, once me and their son moved in together they started to treat me differently, then after being shunned by the church for living together, we stopped going, and I think they blame that all on me.

mommybelanova

I suppose maybe I do expect too much from them, I just know I will be labeled the bad person when baby always goes to my parents rather than his

ally3242

It sounds like you two need to sit down and have a real conversation with his parents and kind of lay it all out on the table. 

Prpljade

Sorry but it sounds like their religion and their church holds more value to them than their own flesh and blood and that's just sad.

mommybelanova

@Prpljade‌ probably true!

bowman958

I think step one is to have your SO sit down and talk to them. Even if it's hard for him, it's his family and he should address the issue. Maybe they will respect him more for doing so, and you more in turn.

It's none of my business, but is there any reason you wouldn't get married? You shouldn't do it for your ILs benefit, but you shouldn't not get married to spite them if it's something you and SO want to do. Just curious.

theinvadermothership

Prpljade said:

Sorry but it sounds like their religion and their church holds more value to them than their own flesh and blood and that's just sad.

This exactly. OP, it might just be time to stop getting disappointed. And further this by not setting yourself up for it. They won't acknowledge you or your child, then so be. They don't get to after it comes either. I would not even acknowledge them. If your family is supportive, then focus on them. I know my husband's family has never been very kind to him (except his mother who is very kind and sweet) and for year drove the wedge between them by always comparing him to his older brother and for not playing life safe like him. I think after explaining his awful family situation to my own just made them more accepting of him. They always make him feel loved and welcomed and that is the type of energy you both need to be around.

They sound toxic and hateful. Is that really what you want your kid around? A chance for them to fill your child's head with overly religious hate or worse, go behind your back and try and baptise/communion/ect (this almost happened to me and my siblings with my grandmother. My dad is a religious man but we were not baptised as infants bc my parents thought we should decide which church we ahould belong to and NO INFANT has sin and should be condemned if it passes before batism) your kid if they ever were to watch them? I'm no no nonsense about issues like this. If they can't be supportive over such a closed minded issue of you guys not being married, then why should they be involved at all? After all, marriage is technically just a piece of paper at this point. You guys are clearly already married to each other in time and commitment.

Sorry this got long. I feel strongly about families who treat kids like shit bc they aren't the golden children their parents wanted them to be. Both my husband and my father had to deal with this, so really, i get it.

mommybelanova

@theinvadermothership‌ your post really hit me! I'm glad that you can relate, sometimes I feel so awful for not wanting their negativity in our life, but in the end it might be better. Bringing the child to church and attempting to brainwash is something I could defiantly see happening. @sugarCraze‌ I do thankfully have family close! My side is super supportive and show both of us, and the baby all the love and support in the world. And perhaps that's why I expect more from them. @bowman958‌ we talked about marriage before we found out we were pregnant, but it's kind of taken the back burner since we have so much to already be excited and busy about! I think we're just in no rush since if we were to get married tomorrow, not much would change in our day to day life!

mommybelanova

I feel that once we are married they will be more accepting, which almost makes me see them worse! Since our relationship with them is being determined by a piece of paper.
I am so grateful for my supportive family!
I'm happy your ILs came around and are now more supportive!

theinvadermothership

@mommybelanova‌ Definitely speak with your partner though. It was my husband's choice to cut everyone but his mom out and i was just there to support him. I would never force him to go back unless he truly wanted to.

Definitely see what he has to say and just explain your feelings. I mean these feelings going back to making you feel alienated so much you don't feel you can go back to church? That's just in my opinion, absurd. There are other churches, other people, who will be more supportive. I hope your partner understands this.

But in all seriousness, big hugs and sorry you have to deal with this bullshit at all. A baby is a blessing, no matter how hard that is for your inlaws to understand that.

theinvadermothership

And i feel really silly now bc i am upset for you bc it makes me remember how upsetting especially my grandmother was. This is issues from 14+ years ago and thinking back to how my grandmother treated my uncle over my dad and how disrespectful she was to my mother (going as far as going through her things when she would come over and baby sit us! Or bitch at how messy the house was despite my mother having 3 kids under 10 in it...). I really only mention it bc if you think it's bad as a wife, imagine growing up with grandparents who have little respect for your parents. You don't forget that. Clearly i haven't.

AshleighK305

I think that everyone has already given you some great advice. I just want to say I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Your baby is a blessing and if they want to be negative it's their loss! I hope your SO will at least try to talk to them, and if not or if it doesn't change anything, I wouldn't allow their negativity in your lives anymore. Good luck!

fatcat11188

I am in a simular position with my IL's- minus the SIL having a baby. But really mine suck too, FIL has yet to say Congrats or anything- I refused to tell them until I was about 19 weeks, just to avoid the stress and the frustration that would come along with them knowing. The way I look at it now is that it is THEIR loss not to be part of the excitement and joy our little baby girl will bring. I use to care but I refuse to let them tear me down. Hang in there and focus your extra energy on your little family and the people that matter and care about you!

bowman958

@mommybelanova‌ - if getting married is important to you, I hope you and SO will find a time to do it when it fits for you, and that it will be a wonderful thing for you. If two people both want to be married, then IMO they should get married! I do disagree that it is "just a piece of paper," but I would never say that not being married invalidates your commitment to your SO.

And your ILs are being dicks. A grandchild is a wonderful blessing, period. Treating you, their son, and their grandchild in a loving way would have a much bigger influence than being exclusionary. It pisses me off when parents don't understand that.

Prpljade

@mommybelanova do his family know that you and your SO have discussed marriage? That it's in the cards for you two at all? If not, then maybe letting them in on that fact would help ease them up a little. If they are already aware, and just being jerky asstwits because you're having a child out of wedlock, then there really isn't anything you or your SO could say or do that would change their attitudes or behavior towards you. Similarly, if you have no desire to indoctrinate your child in their church, that's going to drive even more of a wedge between them and your family. It's unfortunate, and probably a bit 1950's but it's the hard to tolerate truth. 

Honestly it makes me a bit sad and angry for you and your SO that you're both having to deal with such a frustrating family situation during such a happy and celebratory time in your lives and relationship, but it sounds like you know them well enough to know how they will continue to behave and the best you can do is stand up for yourself, your relationship and especially your future LO. I'm actually really excited for your baby, cause it sounds like regardless of it's future life choices it will have two amazing and loving parents who would never treat it the way your SO's family are treating you and him. That says a lot about who you and he are as people and to me, that's far more in line with biblical teachings than anything you're tolerating from them right now. 

mommybelanova

@Prpljade‌ we have mentioned that marriage is in the cards to them before. But to be honest, we just haven't had the chance before finding out we're pregnant (we're 19 & 20) so marriage was coming up, but something much more important popped up, so it's been pushed aside for the time being. They are wanting us to elope and to just go to church tomorrow and tie the knot. That's not happening. A) We still want our wedding to be a celebration and day to remember and B ) Over my dead body will I get married in their church!

I've talked to my boyfriend about the topic and he's very on my side, which is awesome! He understands why I feel the way I do and admits to feeling the same from them. We've decided that we will sit down with them and mention again we are planning to get married but it won't be rushed, and we want to know when they expect to step up to the title of grandparents. If they just need a little more time to accept it, and before LO gets here they will start acting as such, or they plan to continue ignoring us and baby until were married. Because that decision will play a big roll on how often we choose to visit then farther.

Thank you so much for your post @Prpljade‌ you've made my whole day brighter with your kind comments ! I appreciate it all so much

theinvadermothership

@mommybelanova‌ wah, you guys are so young and getting so much flack! That makes me more sad for you. I hope the talk works for you guys. I really do. Boundaries need to be set and you are both adults. Wishing you the best!

mommybelanova

clairhuxtable said:

@mommybelanova - I didn't realize that you guys were so young.  Maybe his parents are having a hard time just accepting you both as adults in addition to not being married.  I think that can be a hard transition for parents especially if they had plans for their children that did not include a grandchild so soon.  It seems you've been together all of your teen years and all through high school.  So maybe they are just having a hard time not seeing you both as you were before. 

I'm hopeful with open communication and time that they will come around when they see sweet LO's face.

This is a really good point actually, it makes a lot of sense and I agree this could be a factor. His mom still refers to him as "her baby" since he is the youngest of 6 children. It may be hard for her to adjust to the thought of her baby, having his own baby. I agree they may still picture us as the 13&14 year old couple we started out as. Hopefully it just takes time and maybe as my bump begins to show more it will hit them.

And @theinvadermothership‌ you just rock all around !! Thanks again :x