Child care for infants. Go back to work or stay at home?

melodysmommy09

Ok so my husband wants me to go back to work after the baby is 6 weeks old but I have looked in to child care costs per week and it equals up to most of what I make. I don't know how to tackle this problem with him at all or what really would be best. He acts as if it will all be fine but we havent really talked about it. His parents live an hour away and mine are about as far so they obviously can't keep the baby for us though he thinks they will. Help! These months are going by fast!

melodysmommy09

I would like to stay home but before i became pregnant he told me i would need to still work. But it seems pointless if it all goes to child care anyways.

caligal07

Everyone is going to have their own take/situation that goes into their decision. I agree with PP - what do you want? And you should be discussing this with your husband.

Pintobean39

This is going to be something the two of you have to come to an agreement on. You need to sit down with him and tell him you want to SAH and explain with child care cost it doesn't make sense. The accountant in me would have an excel spreadsheet to make my point. B

ladyteach0505

I think I'd make a pro/con list with things like retirement (if any), cost of gas, clothes, daycare and any other work related expenses vs things like staying home, avoiding child care costs, etc. See what you all come up with.

littlecookie

Sounds like you guys need to have a discussion. Talk to him about your desire to SAH as well as what you are finding about the price of childcare. Look at your budget or make one if you don't have one to see what you all need to do to get you to SAH. If there is a small shortfall perhaps you could occasionally work part time or find some other way to make a few extra dollars. Good luck deciding.

melodysmommy09

I've tried talking to him about it in the past and his response was that his mother would come down and watch the baby for us. But that isn't going to happen. like I said they live an hour away and I can't expect her to do that. If they lived closer it wouldn't be so bad. He doesn't understand and I don't want to argue with him. I don't know how to get him to understand that we can't keep putting this off and to understand that we need to face reality. 

melodysmommy09

Pintobean39 said:

This is going to be something the two of you have to come to an agreement on. You need to sit down with him and tell him you want to SAH and explain with child care cost it doesn't make sense. The accountant in me would have an excel spreadsheet to make my point. B

I don't know the first thing about accounting but I sure wish I did. It would be very hard for him to argue with facts.

Pintobean39

melodysmommy09 said:

I've tried talking to him about it in the past and his response was that his mother would come down and watch the baby for us. But that isn't going to happen. like I said they live an hour away and I can't expect her to do that. If they lived closer it wouldn't be so bad. He doesn't understand and I don't want to argue with him. I don't know how to get him to understand that we can't keep putting this off and to understand that we need to face reality. 

Personally I don't give a damn about causing an argument. If it's something I feel strongly about I'll say it loud and proud. If this is truly what you want to do get all the figures on paper and show him. Who cares if it causes an argument. He needs to listen to you. In the end you both have to agree but you have to get your point across. You also need to find out why he's so adamant about you going back to work, especially if it's going to cost as much in child care.

MrsLolaSky

What does he mean, "his mother would come down"? An hour each way each day? Or would she come and live with you? Would his parents move down to be near you? These questions are all relevant to whether this is a reasonable option.

I think that needs to be settled bc it looks like if paying for child care is put into the equation then you staying at home might make more sense for your family.

melodysmommy09

He said his mom would stay at a hotel but then again he still isn't thinking long term. When I agrue with him he just get defensive but if I can figure out a way to do it without arguing he may listen. I dont know how we will afford me not working either. The child care ive seen is 250 a week which is 1000 a month i make about 1200 a month.

AliceKC9876

Can you afford to not work? If not, can you maybe find a part-time job at night a few days a week to make some extra money and stay with the baby during the day (and dad is responsible on the nights you work)? Honestly, to stay at home your husband really needs to be on board with it otherwise it can cause lots of resentment. I would talk with him and go over all of the finances to see what makes the most sense. Start putting your income into savings right now and see if your able to just live on his income. If he sees that you're able to do well with just his salary, maybe he will feel more comfortable with the idea.

MAdams728

When you write out your budget, include the new costs, as well. Diapers, baby products, formula if you plan on using it at any time (even months from the birth). You end up buying a lot of stuff that you don't really think about beforehand, especially because they grow so quickly, and their needs change on a regular basis. Don't forget to include the increase in your monthly medical insurance, if applicable.

roundtwoOMG

I think figuring out the financial aspect is probably the best way to approach your husband about this.

However...I do think you should tread lightly/ease into the conversation because it sounds like you agreed to these terms prior to getting pregnant (unless I misinterpreted...which I could have). I'm just saying he may get defensive with what *seems* to be the old bait and switch now that you are pregnant and want to re-negotiate the deal.

However, if you can lay out the financial aspects and have a solid idea of whether your MIL would watch your LO...your argument may have some traction! Good luck!

annerz22

I agree with the other ladies that this is something that must be discussed regardless of the argument it'll cause. He can't seriously think his mother would drive an hour each way, everyday to watch LO nor should she be expected to.

Before talking to your DH come up with all of the costs associated with working and compare that to the costs associated with daycare. If you're breaking even or even losing money by working then it doesn't make sense, especially when you take into account the time spent away from baby.

For us it came down to the fact that after all costs I would be bringing home around $500 a month. To me, that wasn't worth the 12hr days I would be out of the house for or the hour commute on the train both ways.

gsancho

You need to find out what his mother will commit to.  He can't make the offer for her.  It's unlikely she'll be willing to drive every day...or maybe she'll commit to 2x a week.  Find out, then work our budget scenarios on a spreadsheet - whether it's her coming every day (you may still need to cover gas and some higher food bills), every couple of days and supplementing the rest with daycare, or you staying at home.

Lalalady54

You may also want to look at doing a nanny share or an alternative to daycare because it could possibly be much cheaper. For daycare full time in our area I pay $1600 a month, for the first year of my daughters life I worked evenings/weekends three days a week so we only needed a nanny 6-12 hours a week even at 18/hr it was still much cheaper(noon-6p, when DH could get home) now DD is FT daycare and I work days, when this babe comes I will either stop working or go back to nights/weekends bc 2 in daycare is way to much, if my boss can't accommodate my schedule change, I have I'll try to get into a nanny share situation for days

Another option we are looking at is an au pair but I feel like it only makes sense with multiple kids

Pintobean39

melodysmommy09 said:

He said his mom would stay at a hotel but then again he still isn't thinking long term. When I agrue with him he just get defensive but if I can figure out a way to do it without arguing he may listen. I dont know how we will afford me not working either. The child care ive seen is 250 a week which is 1000 a month i make about 1200 a month.

She's going to stay in a hotel every week? For how long?

My friends MIL stays with her son 2 days a week and drives 45 min. Her MIL is about 75 too. I can see a grandparent drive an hour a couple days a week, not staying in a hotel. That sounds like crazy talking!

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melodysmommy09

Pintobean39 said:

He said his mom would stay at a hotel but then again he still isn't thinking long term. When I agrue with him he just get defensive but if I can figure out a way to do it without arguing he may listen. I dont know how we will afford me not working either. The child care ive seen is 250 a week which is 1000 a month i make about 1200 a month.

She's going to stay in a hotel every week? For how long? My friends MIL stays with her son 2 days a week and drives 45 min. Her MIL is about 75 too. I can see a grandparent drive an hour a couple days a week, not staying in a hotel. That sounds like crazy talking!

I agree completely crazy. He isn't rationalizing or taking this seriously. Other times when I try to talk to him about it he says don't worry about it the last thing we need is for you to stress. It will be ok which doesnt make me feel any better.

Lezzie82

That is a personal choice that y'all will go back and forth on over and over until the baby comes or you make a permanent set in stone plan.

Everyone's situation is completely different.  I am very blessed and my family is lucky enough to not have to work, so I am a stay at home but we manage several properties in and around Nashville that I have to available for at any time... so there's that, but honestly my dad does most of the work for those for now.  I will eventually take over.  

But each person has to do what works for them.  Make your voice heard and stand up for what you want, but also be prepared to take one for the team if he is doing his share as well.

FreddyisReady

There are other options besides SAH or work. You can switch to a job with different hours, look very hard for alternative child care, or find a way to WAH. For me, I want to work because the benefit I get from employer-contributed retirement funds will pay off in the long run, no matter how expensive daycare now may be.

Regardless, it sounds like you and your partner need to sit down and face reality. Get some quotes from daycare providers, your monthly bills and budget, and your pay stubs and bank account statements and schedule a time with your partner to talk about it.

melodysmommy09

Well I did like you guys said and came up with prices for nannies and child care and talked to him about it. While crying my eyes out because I got so worked up over it and his response was, "Well there is no way we can afford that. You'll just have to become a stay at home mom and we'll make it work." I have to say I was both shocked and relieved.

Lezzie82

You don't HAVE to make the end all be all decision right now.  Set something in semi-stone, and then play it by ear.  God laughs at our plans, and you never know what is around each corner!

You will definitely have your time as a stay at home mom initially, you'll have to recover and get situated.  After that you never know, you may love being a SAHM or you may hate it and want to go back to work.  Just enjoy the moment now and trust in your heart that things are going to work out  Good luck!  Stay positive!

CamoBride2010

I had always thought I would go back to work but shortly before we became pregnant I informed my husband I did not plan to go back to work until all the kids were in school. Needless to say this was a shock for him since I had always planned to go back. I broke it down for him, it would have taken all my pay plus some of his to cover child care. By staying home I was able to nurse ( no formula) part time CD ( less diapers to buy) and we didn't have to pay anyone. Not to mention the gas we save ( I drove 45 mins to work, in a truck). Plus I didn't want to miss everything in those first few years and the hours at my job we weird and could literally change in an instant. I'd think I was getting off at 2 then be asked to stay until 5....this was a normal thing. Which was fine before kids but I knew after I had them that was not a life I wanted for them or me. Once I wrote out the money side of things for him, he came around quickly. Black and white numbers do not lie.

FairfaxMom26

melodysmommy09 said:

 His parents live an hour away and mine are about as far so they obviously can't keep the baby for us though he thinks they will. Help! These months are going by fast!

My husband also thinks that his parents will help/take care of it.  They have said they probably can't.  The live half an hour away. And they are starting to get serious medical problems.  I can't seem to repeat it enough times that they are not a viable option and we'll need to pay some professionals. 

molls332233

OP, Here is a great worksheet that helped be decide to stay home. There is a great printer-friendly version that you can fill out and show to your hubby!

 

 https://www.babycenter.com/0_worksheet-can-i-afford-to-stay-home_10354828.bc

Edit: I put a link in here, but its not working.... you can find the worksheet on babycenter dot com (click on "getting pregnant", then "Preparing your Life" then "Finances" then "Can I afford to stay home" worksheet!

melodysmommy09

The hubby informed me last night that he had gotten a raise that day for being a key performer at work and had another place offering him a job. So all of this just might work out. I'm going to do my best to not stress over it anymore because I will not be able to find a higher paying job with the same hours I have and pto time not to mention a fantastic boss. I informed her(my boss) today on the situation and the entire stay at home thing after she told me another facility is wanting her and she is going for an interview today. So this has got to work out.

Linds1083

6 weeks is really quick. I wasn't even fully recovered from birth complications at 6 weeks last time. Whatever you decide to do, know that the plan may change! 

Brittanyg713

Like PP have said, crunch the numbers. Before we even got pregnant my husband and I sat down and figured this out and it has been less stressful because of this. Luckily, I have a great job that pays very well and provides me with great benefits. However, with the cost of day care, work clothes, and gas to get to work we would only be making very little extra.  In the end we decided it would be best for me to stay at home and maybe get a job a year or so after he is born.

Do not be afraid to speak up. This should be a joint decision, not one that your husband gets to make on his own.