For those ladies who were single moms before... question about how to proceed.

rivers714

So my son's dad and I were on good terms, we didn't need to go to court until my son was 6. With him living with his girlfriend, and the complexities of dealing with an older child who had limitations such as school affecting "parenting time", we just wanted something in writing to keep everyone honest.

I am having another baby, and like I've mentioned before it was with guy who I was newly seeing, and who now wants nothing to do with the child. I send text updates, kinda hoping for the child's sake he'd come around and want to be present but it doesn't seem like it.

My neighbor/his boss thinks I should just walk away and not talk to him anymore and raise the kid. I don't care if he's not in the picture I just want to make it legal, if he's out I don't want to leave the door open. Meaning I would want a paternity test, and hopefully him signing away rights for a child he's stated numerous times he wants no involvement in. Part of me also believes that as much as I was on the pill, it was also his choice to sleep with me and to not use a condom. A known risk of sex is pregnancy, and no form of birth control is really 100%. So I should be entitled to child support. The main reason I have been texting is that at the very least I want to sue for full legal and physical custody, and I am creating a paper trail of me keeping the door of communication open, and him not wanting part in it (this was something I didn't do with my son unfortunately and I learned the hard way).

My neighbor and I had a pretty heated argument, where he also let slip he'd been talking to the dad about me. He had previously said he doesn't want to be put in the middle and be Switzerland, so I don't talk about the dad to him at all. I assumed it was a two way street, I also found out he had texted pictures of stuff I had mailed to me (breast pump, pak n play) to the dad. So as much as I kind of knew my " plan of action" he's been making me feel maybe I am being unfair, because we weren't serious, and I am keeping the baby against his wish. But is that rational? Or is it just him trying to help his friend out and save him the expense of a court case?

For those of you who have been here before what did you do? I know I need to start getting a retainer ready, and talking to a lawyer, but some perspective would be nice.

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blaberge

Ignore the neighbor, check your states laws on severance, abandonment and child support. In AZ it's extremely hard to sever parental rights, but if done, it does not eleviate the severed parent from financial obligation. Good luck!

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rivers714

 So in Massachusetts Support and Custody are separate. I have full physical custody of my son, and joint legal custody. All it took for my ex to get joint legal custody was to basically ask for it, and take a paternity test.As I mentioned before we just kind of did it verbally until he was 6.

 So for my little girl as much as just not contacting him, and not putting him on the birth certificate is an option- if for whatever reason ( e.g. his girlfriend wants to see the baby, his mom wants to see the baby) it would be easily amended and I would have to prove he's unfit.

Which leaves with two real options.

1. Get a paternity test and ask him to sever his rights- this is a bit more complicated and we would have to do it jointly. I would have to prove that financially I can support a child on my own. This protects him from me collecting child support from him, but it also protects me and the baby from him deciding to play dad and be an inconsistent influence on my daughters life (this is what my dad did and it was 100 times more detrimental to me then him just not being there).


2. Get a paternity test. File for full legal and physical custody and child support. This allows him to go for visitation if he so chooses, which I doubt he will. Even if he does it would be really hard for him to them overturn the full legal and physical custody. He would have to prove that I am unfit. If he does go for visitation if he is inconsistent, this could legally be taken away. Support order would still stand.


   I really appreciate I am not the only one who thinks they are both being assholes. I figured I might be being hormonal, and maybe my friends are siding with me because I am their friend.. so unbiased internet people make me feel less crazy about all this. I am seriously considering moving when my lease is up.

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tashad18

Cut ties with that neighbor. He is being incredibly rude and creepy. As PP stated, look into the specific laws for your state. Good luck with everything.

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rivers714

@mermomof6‌ I live in Salem. With my sons dad there was a bit of a push with Dads rights. I know with my son the judge was saying there's been a move to change unmarried moms getting full legal and physical custody automatically, which was why without me being able to prove he was unfit he was able to get joint legal custody.

Not saying my sons dad is unfit by any means it was just a lot to swallow that when my son turned six he decided he wanted a say/input.

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masonsmomandmaybaby

I'm not a single mom so I'm not sure if I can comment. But your neighbor is a total jerk and needs to mind his own business. He's only caring about his friend. I think your child deserves child support he doesn't just get to choose not to contribute. I'm not even sure how the courts work but I hate how men just get to choose that's bs.

sml72978

I do know that courts will work with him to give him visitation rights if he wants it. He does not have to prove you are an unfit mother to get joint legal custody. He can get that basically just with a paternity test. Doesn't mean he will get to take her just that legally he is responsible for her as well. If he decides later down the road to try to get visitation and shared custody he would have to go to court but they would work with him to get it. They do try to give the fathers a chance even ones that didn't really want to be part of the child's life in the beginning. I went through the courts in CT and PA for custody with my 13 yo daughter. I now have sole custody of her and allowed him to have visitation at my discretion and supervised in the state of PA. It took years of having to prove to the courts he is unreliable and unfit to have her. But from the get go they let him take her for weekends and such...he just never showed up.

hbn7614

I totally disagree with the comment he doesn't hve an obligation to help in anyway. Wtf? Uhhhh what about moral obligation? THEY got pregnant TOGETHER! She didn't squeeze his sperm out while he didn't know. How is that not an obligation??? Attitudes like that help perpetuate the deadbeat dad mentality in my opinion.

Lezzie82

Your neighbors opinion shouldn't mean shit to you. He's obviously not on your side. Fuck him.

Do what everyone else said. Sue his ass, get hold support, move on. Don't let anyone bully you!

melodysmommy09

Honestly if he isn't wanting anything to do with your child then I would leave it alone. He more than likely wont pay his child support either and if you get a dna test done through the courts your really opening a can of worms that you don't want to mess with. Because then you are giving him rights that he obviously doesn't deserve and at some point he may want to take you up on those rights which is very emotionally disturbing to your child when he isn't a constant father figure in the first place. Because then you will have to deal with the questions from your child like"When is daddy coming to see me again?" " Why haven't I seen him?" "Does he not love me?" Save your child and yourself the pain and leave it alone. I made the mistake of putting my now ex on my daughter's birth certificate and we ended up separating when she was 3. He comes around very rarely even after dragging me through court for visitation. Completely pointless btw. He get's 1-3 hours twice a week supervised and spends maybe an hour with her once every 4 months if she's lucky and you cant just sign your rights over either. Sorry it's not that easy and the courts wont take rights away now unless the father has put the child in physical danger. my ex is 3000 behind in child support and all they've done is suspend his license which has changed nothing. Yay!

chavez2685

If he severes his rights you get no support, if he pays support he gets rights to visits unless he chooses to not use them, or you can prove he isn't fit. It sounds like he won't really use the visits, but check with your states attorney general and start the paper work process. They will DNA test both baby and him and then establish the suport amount, and back amounts if necessary. Just because it gets set doesn't mean he will pay but once on record then he is in contempt and the govn can go after wages after it's gets to a high amount.

rivers714

@allybells I'm learning a lot about him which I was unaware of before, which isn't flattering. From my understanding it seems like he has the potential to be a good person and he's very skilled at what he does, he's just hanging out with not a great group and making poor choices. So some of that makes me uncomfortable and I'd really want to limit his time until he cleaned up his act a little bit.

I think as long as he can be a consistent presence in our daughters life, it'll be better for them both in the long run. Obviously I want to protect my child and make sure he's a positive influence, but I also know his relationship with his child has nothing to do with whatever relationship I have with him.

My sons dad sees him 6 nights a month. But he's consistent with those days and it works for them. He is a really good part-time parent and I'm hoping this guy also turns into that.